THIS WAS AN ACCIDENT
Dec. 27th, 2009 09:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
longsufferinglyJONAS and Princess Jensen
A fanfic about how Kevin Jonas savedChristmas Jensen Ackles. I want to blame ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
wanttobeatree, but really, this is no one's fault but my own. ON THE BRIGHT SIDE my laptop is better.
Kevin is great at helping people. He has superpowers, seriously. He can find people in need like magic, and then he saves them.
Well, Nick and Joe say that he doesn't really save them so much as give them headaches and make them even more miserable so they're just relieved when he leaves them alone. But Nick and Joe are clearly jerks.
Kevin is like a fairy godmother, but his hair is better. He saves lives, and the next life he's going to save is Jensen Ackles.
It's gonna be awesome.
*
Jensen Ackles lives across the hall from them. Nick, who has almost as good a gaydar as Kevin has a saving-people-dar, says Jensen is gay, but he's not nearly as fabulous as he needs to be. Kevin, who is only kind of bicurious, has way better hair than he does. Jensen has a lot of natural good looks, but he is not fully utilizing them, and Kevin assumes that's why he's so miserable and bitter.
"Hi, Mr. Ackles!" says Kevin, waving as he goes up the stairs.
"Hi Kevin," says Jensen.
"You should get highlights," Kevin enthuses. "You would look so hot with highlights! And what kind of conditioner do you use?"
Jensen rubs his forehead. "Kevin, I have a job."
"Do you have love in your life, Mr. Ackles?" asks Kevin earnestly.
"Not right now," says Jensen, with a glare.
"It's okay," says Kevin. "I know how you feel."
"No you don't."
"Don't worry, Mr. Ackles. I'm on the case."
"Yeah, that's great, Kevin. Can you get on the case in your apartment?"
"I'll get my Lisa Frank notebook!"
"Great."
*
"Okay," says Kevin. He has his notebook with the tiger on it, because this will take strength and perseverance. Also, tigers are adorable. "What does Jensen Ackles like?"
"Nothing," says Joe.
"Dick," says Nick.
"What does he want in a man?"
"Someone crotchety and angry," says Joe.
"A dick," says Nick. "I mean, a penis. And a jerk, probably."
Kevin sighs. "No. Come on! Jensen is already angry, he doesn't need someone angry in his life."
"Does he have friends?" asks Joe. "I am really curious."
Nick and Kevin think.
"We need to follow him," says Nick finally. "We need to understand his life."
"You're right," says Joe. "You know what that means."
"Stalking ensembles!" says Kevin.
"To the Armani!"
*
"Kevin," says Jensen, "I can see you."
"No you can't," says Kevin.
"You're not even hiding. You're just holding a branch in front of your face."
"I'm not Kevin."
"Are you Nick? I can't really tell you guys apart."
"No!" says Kevin. "I'm cuter than Nick! And older! And my pants are tighter."
"How could I miss that," says Jensen. "Why are you guys following me?"
"Do you have any friends?"
"Of course I have friends. I--"
"Dude, there you are!"
A tall guy runs over, waving at Jensen. He's pretty hot. Kevin would be willing to go totally bi for him.
"Where were you?" asks the guy.
"My neighbors are stalking me," says Jensen.
"Oh," says the tall guy. "The boy band."
"He talks about us!" says Kevin. "I knew you cared!" He's so overcome with emotion he leaps into Jensen's arms.
"I hate you so much," says Jensen, to the tall guy. It's maybe the first time Kevin has ever heard him say this without it being addressed at him.
"Yeah, yeah," says the tall guy. "I'm Jared," he says to Kevin. "Which one are you?"
"I'm Kevin. I save lives."
"Good for you," says Jared.
"Yeah, but I need Nick, because I don't have a magical gaydar."
"Okay," says Jared, looking confused. He turns back to Jensen. "You ready to go?"
"Once I get rid of Kevin, yeah."
"You're so warm," says Kevin, wonderingly. "And your sweater is surprisingly soft and stylish."
"It's cashmere," says Jared. "Because he's fabulous."
"Not that fabulous. He needs highlights."
"Oh man, that'd be awesome!" says Jared.
"This is why I never ask you over, by the way," Jensen tells Jared. "Because I have nightmares about this exact situation."
"We should get him a manicure," says Kevin.
Jensen drops him. He may bruise Kevin's ass, but he'll never dent his spirit.
*
"Yeah, he's totally gay," says Nick.
"I'm so glad you use your powers for good," says Kevin.
"How would I possibly use a flawless gaydar for evil?" asks Nick.
"You could be like Perez Hilton. Going online and outing innocent celebrities," Joe suggests.
"Look, we're getting away from our goals," says Kevin, rapping his pen on the Lisa Frank notebook. "We need to make Jensen Ackles beautiful--"
"Jensen Ackles is really hot," says Joe.
"You're just saying that because you're gay," says Nick.
"He is?" asks Kevin. Curse his faulty gaydar! "Wait, point! Jensen clearly needs to find love with Jared, and we need to help him with a makeover!"
"Jensen hates us," says Joe.
"He does not!" Kevin protests, scandalized.
"No, he does," says Nick.
"Well then we'll have to use all our cunning to make him accept our help!" says Joe.
"Yeah!" says Kevin.
"Well," says Nick. "At least it won't take long."
*
Kevin stands outside Jensen's door with a boombox playing Peter Gabriel until Mrs. Harvey from the fifth floor comes down and tells him he's creating a disturbance.
"If I let you in, will you shut up?" asks Jensen.
"Yes!" says Kevin.
"But if you wait another ten minutes, I'll probably beat him to death," adds Nick.
"Are you Nick?" asks Jensen.
"Yeah."
"You're totally my favorite."
"I'm everyone's favorite."
"Come on in," says Jensen, sighing. "What exactly do you want?"
"We're romantics at heart," says Joe.
"We want to help you find love and happiness!" adds Kevin.
"I'm just bored and nothing's on TV," says Nick.
"Guys, you're--very nice. And well-meaning. And honestly really creepy," says Jensen. "But I don't need help finding love and happiness."
"But you aren't dating that Jared guy, are you?" asks Kevin.
"Jared?"
"Your soulmate!"
"What makes you think Jared is my soulmate?"
"He's gay, you're gay," says Kevin.
"I'm gay and Nick's gay and he's not my soulmate," says Joe.
"I'm not?" asks Nick.
"Guys, now is not the time for your confusing incest!" says Kevin. "This is Jensen's time!"
"If I let you do whatever I want, will you leave me alone?"
"I thought that," says Nick wistfully. "But no."
"I think you need highlights!" says Kevin.
"And a pedicure!" says Joe!
"Makeover!" they say together.
"You want a beer?" Jensen asks Nick.
"I'm seventeen."
"I won't tell if you don't."
Kevin and Joe are holding hands and jumping up and down and squealing.
"Deal," says Nick.
*
Jared shows up just as Nick is painting Jensen's last toenail.
"If you say anything, I will punch you," says Jensen.
"Do you have a snuggie wrapped around your neck?"
"It's mine," says Joe. "I was giving him a haircut."
"I should have known," says Jared.
"They said they'd go away," says Jensen. "But I'm pretty sure I'm stuck with them forever."
"He loves us," says Joe.
"I can see that," says Jared, looking amused.
"But not as much as he loves you!" says Kevin.
"Kevin, you are so bad at this," says Nick.
"What? No! I am totally helpful! This is my super power!"
"What's going on, exactly?" asks Jared, looking confused.
"Jensen wasn't fabulous enough to love," says Joe. "But now he totally is!"
"Hey, I am totally fabulous," says Jensen.
"Yes you are," says Kevin, patting his shoulder. "All you need is to believe in yourself."
"So your boyband neighbors gave you a makeover so you could win my love?" asks Jared, raising his eyebrows at Jensen.
"It wasn't my idea," Jensen grumbles.
"Do we need to sing?" asks Joe.
"We totally need to sing," Kevin agrees.
"There you see her," Joe starts.
"Him," says Nick.
"Sitting there across the way," Joe continues, undaunted.
Jared leans over and kisses Jensen.
"You're supposed to wait until the end of the song!" says Kevin.
"I don't think they kiss in the movie at the end of the song," Nick points out.
"Oh yeah. I always get really sad."
Jared is still kissing Jensen.
"We should probably go," says Nick, after a minute.
"I totally saved them, though," says Kevin.
"Yeah, Kevin, that was all you," says Nick.
Kevin beams.
He is the best fairy godmother ever.
A fanfic about how Kevin Jonas saved
wanttobeatree, but really, this is no one's fault but my own. ON THE BRIGHT SIDE my laptop is better.Kevin is great at helping people. He has superpowers, seriously. He can find people in need like magic, and then he saves them.
Well, Nick and Joe say that he doesn't really save them so much as give them headaches and make them even more miserable so they're just relieved when he leaves them alone. But Nick and Joe are clearly jerks.
Kevin is like a fairy godmother, but his hair is better. He saves lives, and the next life he's going to save is Jensen Ackles.
It's gonna be awesome.
*
Jensen Ackles lives across the hall from them. Nick, who has almost as good a gaydar as Kevin has a saving-people-dar, says Jensen is gay, but he's not nearly as fabulous as he needs to be. Kevin, who is only kind of bicurious, has way better hair than he does. Jensen has a lot of natural good looks, but he is not fully utilizing them, and Kevin assumes that's why he's so miserable and bitter.
"Hi, Mr. Ackles!" says Kevin, waving as he goes up the stairs.
"Hi Kevin," says Jensen.
"You should get highlights," Kevin enthuses. "You would look so hot with highlights! And what kind of conditioner do you use?"
Jensen rubs his forehead. "Kevin, I have a job."
"Do you have love in your life, Mr. Ackles?" asks Kevin earnestly.
"Not right now," says Jensen, with a glare.
"It's okay," says Kevin. "I know how you feel."
"No you don't."
"Don't worry, Mr. Ackles. I'm on the case."
"Yeah, that's great, Kevin. Can you get on the case in your apartment?"
"I'll get my Lisa Frank notebook!"
"Great."
*
"Okay," says Kevin. He has his notebook with the tiger on it, because this will take strength and perseverance. Also, tigers are adorable. "What does Jensen Ackles like?"
"Nothing," says Joe.
"Dick," says Nick.
"What does he want in a man?"
"Someone crotchety and angry," says Joe.
"A dick," says Nick. "I mean, a penis. And a jerk, probably."
Kevin sighs. "No. Come on! Jensen is already angry, he doesn't need someone angry in his life."
"Does he have friends?" asks Joe. "I am really curious."
Nick and Kevin think.
"We need to follow him," says Nick finally. "We need to understand his life."
"You're right," says Joe. "You know what that means."
"Stalking ensembles!" says Kevin.
"To the Armani!"
*
"Kevin," says Jensen, "I can see you."
"No you can't," says Kevin.
"You're not even hiding. You're just holding a branch in front of your face."
"I'm not Kevin."
"Are you Nick? I can't really tell you guys apart."
"No!" says Kevin. "I'm cuter than Nick! And older! And my pants are tighter."
"How could I miss that," says Jensen. "Why are you guys following me?"
"Do you have any friends?"
"Of course I have friends. I--"
"Dude, there you are!"
A tall guy runs over, waving at Jensen. He's pretty hot. Kevin would be willing to go totally bi for him.
"Where were you?" asks the guy.
"My neighbors are stalking me," says Jensen.
"Oh," says the tall guy. "The boy band."
"He talks about us!" says Kevin. "I knew you cared!" He's so overcome with emotion he leaps into Jensen's arms.
"I hate you so much," says Jensen, to the tall guy. It's maybe the first time Kevin has ever heard him say this without it being addressed at him.
"Yeah, yeah," says the tall guy. "I'm Jared," he says to Kevin. "Which one are you?"
"I'm Kevin. I save lives."
"Good for you," says Jared.
"Yeah, but I need Nick, because I don't have a magical gaydar."
"Okay," says Jared, looking confused. He turns back to Jensen. "You ready to go?"
"Once I get rid of Kevin, yeah."
"You're so warm," says Kevin, wonderingly. "And your sweater is surprisingly soft and stylish."
"It's cashmere," says Jared. "Because he's fabulous."
"Not that fabulous. He needs highlights."
"Oh man, that'd be awesome!" says Jared.
"This is why I never ask you over, by the way," Jensen tells Jared. "Because I have nightmares about this exact situation."
"We should get him a manicure," says Kevin.
Jensen drops him. He may bruise Kevin's ass, but he'll never dent his spirit.
*
"Yeah, he's totally gay," says Nick.
"I'm so glad you use your powers for good," says Kevin.
"How would I possibly use a flawless gaydar for evil?" asks Nick.
"You could be like Perez Hilton. Going online and outing innocent celebrities," Joe suggests.
"Look, we're getting away from our goals," says Kevin, rapping his pen on the Lisa Frank notebook. "We need to make Jensen Ackles beautiful--"
"Jensen Ackles is really hot," says Joe.
"You're just saying that because you're gay," says Nick.
"He is?" asks Kevin. Curse his faulty gaydar! "Wait, point! Jensen clearly needs to find love with Jared, and we need to help him with a makeover!"
"Jensen hates us," says Joe.
"He does not!" Kevin protests, scandalized.
"No, he does," says Nick.
"Well then we'll have to use all our cunning to make him accept our help!" says Joe.
"Yeah!" says Kevin.
"Well," says Nick. "At least it won't take long."
*
Kevin stands outside Jensen's door with a boombox playing Peter Gabriel until Mrs. Harvey from the fifth floor comes down and tells him he's creating a disturbance.
"If I let you in, will you shut up?" asks Jensen.
"Yes!" says Kevin.
"But if you wait another ten minutes, I'll probably beat him to death," adds Nick.
"Are you Nick?" asks Jensen.
"Yeah."
"You're totally my favorite."
"I'm everyone's favorite."
"Come on in," says Jensen, sighing. "What exactly do you want?"
"We're romantics at heart," says Joe.
"We want to help you find love and happiness!" adds Kevin.
"I'm just bored and nothing's on TV," says Nick.
"Guys, you're--very nice. And well-meaning. And honestly really creepy," says Jensen. "But I don't need help finding love and happiness."
"But you aren't dating that Jared guy, are you?" asks Kevin.
"Jared?"
"Your soulmate!"
"What makes you think Jared is my soulmate?"
"He's gay, you're gay," says Kevin.
"I'm gay and Nick's gay and he's not my soulmate," says Joe.
"I'm not?" asks Nick.
"Guys, now is not the time for your confusing incest!" says Kevin. "This is Jensen's time!"
"If I let you do whatever I want, will you leave me alone?"
"I thought that," says Nick wistfully. "But no."
"I think you need highlights!" says Kevin.
"And a pedicure!" says Joe!
"Makeover!" they say together.
"You want a beer?" Jensen asks Nick.
"I'm seventeen."
"I won't tell if you don't."
Kevin and Joe are holding hands and jumping up and down and squealing.
"Deal," says Nick.
*
Jared shows up just as Nick is painting Jensen's last toenail.
"If you say anything, I will punch you," says Jensen.
"Do you have a snuggie wrapped around your neck?"
"It's mine," says Joe. "I was giving him a haircut."
"I should have known," says Jared.
"They said they'd go away," says Jensen. "But I'm pretty sure I'm stuck with them forever."
"He loves us," says Joe.
"I can see that," says Jared, looking amused.
"But not as much as he loves you!" says Kevin.
"Kevin, you are so bad at this," says Nick.
"What? No! I am totally helpful! This is my super power!"
"What's going on, exactly?" asks Jared, looking confused.
"Jensen wasn't fabulous enough to love," says Joe. "But now he totally is!"
"Hey, I am totally fabulous," says Jensen.
"Yes you are," says Kevin, patting his shoulder. "All you need is to believe in yourself."
"So your boyband neighbors gave you a makeover so you could win my love?" asks Jared, raising his eyebrows at Jensen.
"It wasn't my idea," Jensen grumbles.
"Do we need to sing?" asks Joe.
"We totally need to sing," Kevin agrees.
"There you see her," Joe starts.
"Him," says Nick.
"Sitting there across the way," Joe continues, undaunted.
Jared leans over and kisses Jensen.
"You're supposed to wait until the end of the song!" says Kevin.
"I don't think they kiss in the movie at the end of the song," Nick points out.
"Oh yeah. I always get really sad."
Jared is still kissing Jensen.
"We should probably go," says Nick, after a minute.
"I totally saved them, though," says Kevin.
"Yeah, Kevin, that was all you," says Nick.
Kevin beams.
He is the best fairy godmother ever.
