SPN/Bones fic: But What Are Your Thoughts on Yaoi (Dean/Sam)

[longsufferingly]

Title: But What Are Your Thoughts on Yaoi?
Author: Chash
Fandom: Bones/Supernatural
Pairing: Sam/Dean.
Rating: R
Warnings: Incest, retardation.
Word Count: ~1,800 words
Summary: Dr. Brennan is pretty much okay with brother-on-brother action. It's just everyone else who needs convincing.
Notes: With thanks to phrenk, for encouragement and ideas. Many bizarre and confusing sequels go here.
Disclaimer: I am a terrible person. I mean, um. These are not my characters, and please don't sue me.


"Have you noticed," Booth asks, "that Sam and Dean are...close?"

"They're brothers," says Brennan. "Of course they're close."

"No, I mean, like, close."

"Close to us? I think they're in Virginia right now."

"I mean they like each other, Bones."

"Yes, they're brothers."

"Not like brothers."

"Then like what?"

Booth stares at her for a long time. Brennan stares back. She's a good starer. "Sex, Bones. Sex."

"With each other?"

"You don't think so?"

Brennan considers this. "No, I don't think Sam and Dean are currently in a sexual relationship. But they're two attractive, virile young men who don't have much meaningful contact with other people. So it wouldn't be surprising if they developed feelings for each other."

Booth stares some more. "Only you would say that gay incest isn't surprising."

"You were the one who brought it up."

"Yeah, because it's weird, not because it makes sense."

"But it does," says Brennan.

"You know what, forget I said anything."

"No, I think it's a good idea."

"Wait, what?" asks Booth.

"They're in a stressful profession with very few emotional outlets. I think a relationship would be beneficial to both of them."

"Isn't there some kind of, I don't know, anthropological reason this is bad? Like the way it's gross?"

"Actually, many of the taboos now associated with incest arose because of genetic concerns. Since Dean and Sam can't reproduce, there isn't any real problem with the two of them having a sexual relationship."

"How about the way it's gross?"

"That's a problem for you, not for them."

"I can't believe we're having this conversation!"

"You brought it up," Brennan points out again. "What did you expect me to do?"

"I don't know, separate them for their own good?"

"Separating them would be one of the worst things I could do," says Brennan. "I think assuring Sam that there's nothing wrong with his feelings would be much more helpful."

Booth snorts. "So you're going to call Sam up and tell him to be gay for his brother? Yeah, tell me how that goes."

"I'm not going to call him and tell him to be gay for his brother."

"Thank god."

"I was going to do it over coffee."

*

Sam likes Dr. Brennan, he really does. But she's, well.

She starts conversations with: "Booth thinks you're sexually interested in your brother, and I agree with him."

Sam spits his coffee out all over the table.

"And I think a romantic and/or sexual relationship between the two of you would be healthy."

"What?"

"You're in a unique position with a very unusual upbringing. In a way, the two of you have created your own society, one no one else can enter in to it. Any other sexual relationships are, I think, probably doomed to failure."

"Are you seriously telling me to sleep with my brother?"

"Yes."

"He's my brother."

"He's also your partner and the only person with whom you have significant contact at this point."

"We're related!"

"Many of the cultural taboos associated with incest are related to reproduction," says Dr. Brennan. "Since you and your brother are incapable of reproducing, being related isn't actually a problem."

"So if you couldn't have kids, would you be with your brother?" asks Sam.

"No. But my brother and I aren't in the same position as you and Dean."

"You mean the incestuous position?"

"It just seems as if the two of you have a deeper relationship than most siblings. And you might be happier if you embraced that relationship."

"I'm not sleeping with Dean!"

"Why not?"

"Because he's my brother!"

"And if he wasn't, you would be in a sexual relationship with him?"

"No!"

"But that's the only reason you've provided that you're not."

Sam rubs his forehead.

"I just think you should think about it," says Dr. Brennan. "Sex is an excellent way to de-stress."

"Incest isn't," Sam shoots back.

"Incest with your brother!" she says. "There's nothing biologically objectionable about that!"

Sam just goes. Some days, it's not worth it.

*

It's not like Sam has never thought about having sex with Dean. Everyone spends so much time thinking he's having sex with Dean, it's hard not to sometimes think about it. But usually when they bring up that they're related, people stop.

Of course, Dr. Brennan is weird. And has weird beliefs about people. But Sam didn't think she'd go so far as to encourage incest.

Of course, being related isn't the only reason he's not sleeping with Dean. He just always thought it was a good enough one that he never bothered thinking up any others.

*

"Sam seemed resistant to the idea of a sexual relationship with Dean," says Brennan.

"You don't say," says Booth.

"I think given some time, the idea will grow on him."

"I don't."

"You thought they were already together."

"I thought Dean had a thing for his brother."

"You didn't tell me that!"

"Well, you started running with it. I didn't want to encourage you."

"So you think I should have talked to Dean?"

"I think you should leave the gay brothers alone and focus on our case."

"I don't see why you told me about this if you didn't want me to help."

"See, Bones, most people don't think helping is playing matchmaker for two guys who are related."

"You all need to stop focusing so much on genetics. It really isn't a concern in this case."

"Yes, Bones, it is. Being related is always a concern."

"You're just being close-minded."

"If being against gay incest is wrong, then I don't want to be right."

"Well, that's good. Because you're wrong."

"Yeah, I got that."

*

"Dean, give me one good reason we're not sleeping together," says Sam, just as Dean starts drinking his coffee. Just as planned, Dean spits out all his coffee and starts choking.

Sam laughs at him, because that was totally perfectly timed.

"What?" asks Dean.

"Dr. Brennan thinks being related isn't a legitimate reason not to sleep together," says Sam, still grinning. Dean has coffee on his nose. It's awesome. "So I need something else to tell her."

"What?"

"What?"

"Why were you talking to the crazy bone chick about us sleeping together?"

"She brought it up. She thinks we should be sleeping together."

"Dude, you aren't allowed to have friends anymore."

"She's not my friend, she's..."

"A crazy bone chick who wants us to fuck."

"Pretty much."

"Why?"

Sam shrugs, kind of uncomfortable, finally. The awkwardness of discussing hypothetical incest had to come sometime. "Because we've created our own society based on shared experiences that no one else can understand."

"Uh huh," says Dean. "Let's try that again in English."

"Because we get each other," says Sam, and it sounds like a way better argument when he says it like that.

"Huh."

"So I need to tell her why else I won't sleep with you."

Dean considers. "Nah, I got nothing."

"What?"

"Hey, man, have you seen me? I'm god's gift to sex. Seriously, everyone should want to bone me."

"But I'm your brother!"

"I thought we weren't counting that as a reason."

"So if I wasn't your brother, you'd fuck me?"

"Eh," says Dean.

"Dean!"

"Dude, you know me. I'm easy."

"You like girls!"

"Exactly."

It takes a minute for this to sink in. "I'm not a girl, Dean!"

"Could've fooled me."

"I hate you so much."

"Aww, baby, don't be that way."

"So you seriously...you're really saying that if we weren't related, you'd have sex with me."

"I never said that. You said that and I didn't say no."

Sam scrubs his hand across his face. "I can't believe we're having this conversation."

"You brought it up."

"You were supposed to help!"

"I am helping."

"How?"

"Okay, I'm not helping."

"God, this is so stupid."

"You can say that again."

"There's a really simple way to solve this," says Sam.

"There is?"

"Yeah. Just...stand up."

Dean looks confused and kind of wary, but he stands. Sam crosses the room, puts down Dean's coffee cup, and gets right in his personal space.

"Uh. Sammy?"

"Look, I just...we try it and it's terrible and then I can just...tell Dr. Brennan she's nuts."

"Yeah, she's totally the crazy one right now," says Dean. "Sam--"

It's going to be a terrible kiss and then they're never going to talk about it again, and Sam is going to tell Dr. Brennan she's insane.

Except five minutes later, they're still kissing, and it's unbelievably good.

"Huh," says Sam.

"You're so lucky I like girls," says Dean.

*

"We're not sending a fruit basket," says Dean the next day.

"Well we have to thank her somehow."

"I don't care how gay you are now," says Dean, " we are not sending a fucking fruit basket."

"Flowers?"

"No."

"We have to do something!"

"Can't you just call her and say, like, thanks for reminding me my brother is smoking hot and has a monster dick?"

"I am never saying that to Dr. Brennan," Sam objects.

"Oh, and sending her a fruit basket is better."

*

"Sam and Dean are now sexually involved," says Brennan. Booth nearly swerves the car off the road. "Do you want me to drive?"

"No! God, Bones, you can't just say that to a guy!"

"Why not? I told you we'd been discussing it."

"Look, I don't want to know about the Winchesters' sex life. Hell, they're already felons who are wanted for breaking a ton of laws. Do you really have to tell me when they break more laws?"

"You're responsible for their relationship. I thought you'd be happy to hear that it's working out for them."

"No, Bones. If I inspire you to convince two brothers to have gay sex? I don't want to hear about it. I want you to never mention it again."

"Fine."

"Fine. Good. Let's talk about the case."

"You know, brother and brother incest isn't specifically prohibited in the Bible."

"I did not know that. I could have gone my whole life without knowing that."

"I'm just saying."

"Bones, stop just saying. Stop talking. We're done. We're never talking about this again."

"I told them we'd go bowling with them. Does that mean we're not going bowling with them?"

"Why did you tell them that?"

"Sam wanted to thank me. I suggested bowling."

"Of course you did."

"I can cancel."

"No, no. We can go bowling with the incestuous brothers, and then we're never talking about this again."

"Should I ask Sweets if he wants to come? Will that make it better?"

"No. Having a therapist on our double date with gay brothers would not make it better."

"I can ask them to not be physically affectionate in front of you."

"Yeah, that would be nice."

"Would a fruit basket help? That was Sam's other idea."

"No," says Booth finally, with a long sigh. "A fruit basket would not help"