(no subject)

[longsufferingly]

iFight Crime
Supernatural/iCarly, 1600 words.

So I was reading summaries of iCarly fanfic to my brother ultiville, and he thought when I said Sam was pregnant, I meant Sam Winchester, and I was reading Supernatural/iCarly crossover fic, and I asked him what that would entail, and he told me, and this is that fic.


"Seattle," says Sam.

Dean looks over. "What?"

"Seattle, Washington. Potential haunting."

Dean shoves some more hashbrowns into his mouth and makes a go on motion.

Sam clears his throat. "Um, during a broadcast of a popular webshow, the cast experienced sudden chills, electrical failure, scratching noises--"

Dean swallows. "Yeah? Let me see."

Sam blanches. "See what?"

"The show, you dumbass."

"Oh. Uh, yeah! Sure," says Sam.

Dean raises his eyebrows. "What?"

"Nothing," says Sam. "Okay, here."

As soon as Dean sees the website, he gets why Sam was acting so weird. "Did one of your girlfriends link you to this during homeroom?" he asks.

"Shut up," Sam mutters. "Just watch."

"I'm Carly!" says the brown-haired tween.

"And I'm Sam!"

"And this is iCarly, the only webshow that cures cancer--"

"But gives you rabies!"

"What the shit is this," says Dean.

"All right," says the brown-haired girl, Carly, "today on iCarly, we're going to do a new bit we call--"

"FISHING FOR TUBAS!" they both say in unison.

"Sam's got a fishing pole."

"Right here!"

"And we've got this vat of water, full of tubas!"

"And I'm going to fish in it."

She's casting the rod when the screen goes blank. A second later, Carly reappears. "We're experiencing slight power difficulties," she says, and Dean can see a little ice forming in the vat with the tubas.

"Stand by!" says a boy's voice.

"Is this water freezing?" asks blonde-Sam.

"OH MY GOD!" comes a voice from off-screen.

"Who the hell watches this?" mutters Dean.

A dude in a towel comes in, hair in a pink shower cap. "THE SHOWER WATER JUST FROZE. AND THERE IS A RAT IN THE WALL."

"You saw a rat?" asks Carly.

"No! But I heard its little rat claws."

The power crashes again.

"So," says Sam, as Dean closes the laptop. "Worth a look, right?"

"You better not ask for their autographs, dude," Dean warns.

"Oh, shut up."

*

Dean has to scam harder than he ever has in his entire life to get past the creepy doorman. He wants to exorcise the dude on the spot, because no normal human's got a wart like that, but Sam assures him that Lewbert (seriously, Lewbert?) is a recurring part of the show.

"How many of these did you watch, Sammy?"

"Shut up," Sam mutters. He double-checks the address and knocks.

"Did you order Chinese again?" asks a voice from inside.

"No. But maybe I--"

"No! No Chinese until we're done!"

Carly opens the door.

"Hi," Dean starts, "I'm a--"

"Come in!" says Carly. She grins at the camera, which--oh, shit, they're on camera. Hopefully no one in the FBI watches iCarly. Or remembers who they are.

"Next on iCarly, we have two random dudes," says blonde-Sam.

"Tell us about yourselves, random dudes!" says Carly.

"I--" starts Dean.

"I'm Sam," says Sam, "and this is my brother Dean."

"I'm already Sam," says blonde-Sam.

"Yeah, we're going to need to give you a new name."

"I'm gonna call you Flopsy," says blonde-Sam.

"Uh," says Sam.

"So," says Carly, "tell us about yourselves, Dean and Flopsy!"

"Do you have Chinese food?"

"We're actually electricians," says Sam, with a nervous smile. "And, uh, our niece, she's a big fan of your show, and we were watching with her, and we saw you were having trouble with your electricity."

"Yeah!" says Dean, catching on quickly. "Thought we could be, y'know, good Samaritans."

"Well!" says Carly. "Our building super hasn't found anything, but I guess I can show you guys around."

"Meanwhile," says blonde-Sam, to the camera, "I'm going to see how many blackberries I can fit in my mouth."

"Great!" says Carly.

Dean relaxes once they get off camera.

"So do you know if the electric problems were just your apartment, or the whole building?"

"I think the whole building," says Carly.

"And there was some other weird stuff too, right?" asks Sam, with his most caring, interested expression. "Like your brother's shower freezing?"

"Yeah, that was really weird. I thought maybe the electricity going out knocked out the heat, but it happened really fast," says Carly.

"Any unusual deaths in the building?" asks Dean, sticking his head in a vent.

"Excuse me?" says Carly.

"He's a trivia buff," says Sam quickly. "Just--really interested in dead people."

"Okay," says Carly, hesitantly. "I don't really know. How does the wiring look?"

The EMF is off the charts.

"Pretty funky," says Dean. "Could we grab some supplies and come back to look at it tomorrow?" he asks.

"Sure!" says Carly. "Can you help us finish off the show?"

Dean and Sam exchange a look. Sam shrugs, why not?, and Dean nods. "Okay."

They tromp back downstairs, where blonde-Sam is still stuffing blackberries in her mouth.

"How many are we at, Freddie?" Carly asks the camera guy.

"Twenty-three."

"A new record!" says Carly.

"What was the old record?" asks Sam.

"Semeneen," says blonde-Sam, stuffing another blackberry in her mouth.

"Seventeen," clarifies Freddie.

"How many times have you done this?"

"We have rehearsals," says Carly.

The next blackberry falls out of Sam's mouth, and she spits the whole thing into a cup. "Twenty-four!"

"Still the champion!" says Carly. "All right, we're almost done, but before we go--"

Blonde-Sam hits a button, the lights go dim, and a voice says, "RANDOM DANCING!"

Carly and blonde-Sam immediately start jumping around with a sort of rhythm, and Sam, horrifyingly, only takes another second. He gives Dean a look like, blend in, retard, and Dean sighs and starts shimmying.

He can feel his dignity curling up and dying.

*

The spend all night researching abnormal deaths in the building. Sam comes up with a suicide, and Dean comes up with someone who was seriously injured by a girl with a leg of lamb, but apparently recovered.

"I think that was Sam," says Sam, sounding something between concerned and impressed.

"She beat a dude unconscious with a leg of lamb?"

"Seems plausible," says Sam.

"Huh," says Dean. "Anything on where the suicide's buried?"

"Cremated," says Sam, sighing. He keeps scrolling and perks up suddenly. "But looks like she lived in Carly's apartment."

"Yeah?" says Dean. "How'd she kill herself?"

"Slit her wrists," says Sam.

"So what are we gonna do?"

"Check out the apartment, I guess. See if we can find anything of hers in there."

"Did you see that place?" asks Dean. "How the hell would we know what was hers? There's so much crap in there I don't know where to start."

"Me neither," says Sam. "But what else are we gonna do?"

"You just wanna get on their show again."

"Shut up, Dean."

"Do you write them fan mail?"

"Shut up, Dean."

*

They bring a tool kit, to make it look legit. Carly's older brother opens the door this time, wearing a wetsuit.

"Oh, the electricians," says Carly's older brother. "I'm Spencer Shay."

"Nice to meet you," says Dean.

"I hear you're going to check the place out. Please ignore the jello, it's temporary."

"Okie dokie," says Dean.

"You say okie dokie," says Spencer. "I like that."

"Man after my own heart," says Dean.

"Come in," says Spencer. "Feel free to look around. Carly and Sam and Freddie are upstairs if you need them."

"What about you?" asks Sam.

"Me and this jello got unfinished business."

"Right," says Sam. He gives Dean a look. Spencer doesn't seem to notice, and jumps right back into the jello.

Dean suspects a malevolent spirit might be the least of these people's problems.

*

They're looking through the bathroom when they hear the scream.

"Shit," says Dean. "Where--"

"Stairs," says Sam. "Come on."

They take the stairs three at a time, pulling their guns out of their jeans as they burst through the door.

And then they stop.

Carly and Freddie are watching in mute horror as blonde-Sam attempts to beat the shit out of the ghost, which keeps going incorporeal.

It looks almost like it's--

"Is she winning?" asks Sam.

"Come on and fight me!" says blonde-Sam. "Coward!"

"Sam, I think that's a ghost," says Carly.

"Well, it's a ghost who needs a pounding," says blonde-Sam. The spirit rematerializes behind her.

"Sam!" says Carly.

Blonde-Sam turns, jumps on the ghost, and slams it into the wall.

"What do we do here?" asks Sam.

"Ask if she wants a job. Dude, she fights better than you."

"She fights better than you too."

Blonde-Sam has the ghost pinned to the floor, keeping it from moving. "Say uncle!" she says.

"Ghosts can't talk," says Dean.

Carly and Freddie turn to them.

"We're ghost-hunters," says Sam, with an embarrassed smile.

"Then help her!" Carly screeches.

"Honestly, I don't know what we could add to this," says Dean. "She's kicking ass."

"Pound the floor if you promise to never bother us again," says blonde-Sam.

The ghost immediately pounds the floor.

"Better," says blonde-Sam. She slams the ghost's head into the floor decisively, and then gets up.

The ghost immediately vanishes.

Blonde-Sam gets up and brushes off her jeans. "It takes two of you guys to do that?" she asks.

"Well," says Dean, "he really sucks."

"Dude, shut up."

*

"I'm Carly!"

"And I'm Sam!"

"And this is a very special iCarly!"

"You guys remember Flopsy and Dean," says blonde-Sam.

"Well, it turns out they're not really electricians. They're ghost hunters. So today, they're gonna teach you what to do if you're attacked by the undead."

"In case you're not as awesome as me," says blonde-Sam.

"And they're going to do it--"

The girls grin and speak in unison. "On rollerskates!"

"Dude, I hate you," hisses Dean.

Sam slips and nearly falls over. "Just get the rock salt and let's get this over with."