(no subject)

[longsufferingly]

Title: At a Certain Age, the Child Is Grown (And Puts Away Childish Things)
Author: chash
Fandom: Supernatural RPS
Pairing: Jared Padalecki/Jensen Ackles, Jensen Ackles/OFC
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Outsider POV, kidfic, character death (prefic, OFC), hate speech (seriously, lots of faggots).
Word Count: 2000.
Summary: Kyle remembers his father. Kyle remembers what happened. Second in the Natalie 'verse.
Notes: Sigh I need a tag for this now. Anyway, takes place the day after Childhood Is the Kingdom Where Nobody Dies, which, incidentally, gets its title from Edna St. Vincent Millay's amazing poem. As does this.
Disclaimer: Lies and untruths.


Natty is already out of bed by the time Kyle wakes up. She always wakes up before him these days, pretty much ever since he turned twelve and started wanting to stay up too late. These days, he doesn't even stay up late, he's just tired all the time.

He pulls on jeans and a t-shirt before he goes out of the room. At home, he would just go out in his boxers, but the faggot Jensen lives with is probably a perv, and Kyle doesn't want to encourage him.

The faggot's not in the kitchen, though, just Jensen.

Jensen doesn't dress like a faggot--that was the first thing Kyle noticed. When he was in Texas, he wore nice clothes, slacks and button downs, suits and ties. Today, he's dressed like Kyle, faded jeans and an old t-shirt for a band that Kyle hasn't heard of. He's got his glasses on too, and Kyle recognizes those from when he was a kid.

Jensen is drinking coffee and reading the paper, looking for all the world like a normal guy. He looks up when Kyle comes in.

"Morning," he says.

"Where's the coffee?" asks Kyle.

Jensen gives him a measured look, like he doesn't believe that mama let Kyle drink coffee. She didn't, but Kyle must fool Jensen, because he says, "Pot's on the counter. Milk's in the fridge, sugar's on the table."

"I drink it black," says Kyle.

"Me too," says Jensen. "Jared likes lots of sugar."

Kyle carefully doesn't react. "Where's Natalie?"

"She and Jared went to the store. She said she knew what you'd want to eat."

Under normal circumstances, Kyle wouldn't trust Natty to get him what he really wanted. She'd get him gross stuff he doesn't like. But normal circumstances don't exist anymore.

"You let her go out with him?" asks Kyle, pouring his coffee.

"Yes," says Jensen. He gives Kyle a minute to reply, and when he doesn't, he continues, "There's cereal in the cabinet over the sink."

"I'm not hungry."

He takes a gulp of coffee and can't help making a face. When he looks up, Jensen is trying to hide a smile in his coffee.

Kyle glowers. "Your coffee sucks."

"Sorry," says Jensen. not meaning it. Then he looks serious. "Look, Kyle, I know this isn't--I know this whole place sucks. But I--"

"I know you're gay, but I'm not," says Kyle. "Don't try to talk about your fucking feelings."

"Don't swear," says Jensen.

"I bet you swear."

"When you're thirty-seven, you can swear as much as you want." He takes a sip of his coffee. "How'd you sleep?"

"I could hear you having gay sex."

"Then you have a very vivid imagination. Jared and I didn't have sex last night."

"But you do."

"Yes, I have sex with my boyfriend from time to time." He looks up, and Kyle feels antsy under his gaze. "Look, I know it bothers you that I'm gay. But this isn't just my apartment, it's Jared's too. He's not going to leave his home just because you don't like him."

"I don't like you either," says Kyle, and Jensen does react to that. The flinch of pain doesn't make Kyle feel triumphant like he thought it would.

"I know you don't," says Jensen, and he sounds so sad. "I know you wish you were with your mama, and I wish she wasn't dead. But you have no idea how happy I am to see you. I missed you so much."

Kyle takes a gulp of coffee and doesn't say anything.

He hears the door open, and Natty comes in with a gallon of 2% milk.

"Put that in the fridge," he hears the faggot saying. He's behind her with a bunch of bags, and he's not dressed like a faggot either, just camo cargo shorts and a t-shirt. He looks so normal, no one could ever tell.

Kyle wishes faggots just looked like faggots, because then stuff like his whole life wouldn't happen.

"Good morning, Kyle," says the faggot, and he leans down to kiss Jensen as he passes him with the bags. "Hey. You get my note?"

"Got it," says Jensen. "Thanks for shopping."

"No problem. I totally got nothing but junk food."

"I'm shocked. Kyle, you want one of the billion pop tarts he got?"

"Please," says the faggot, "like eighteen is so bad. That's barely enough for a week."

"You're a freak of nature," says Jensen.

Kyle pulls Natty into his lap. She's a little too big for it, but it's important right now. "How'd you sleep, Natty?"

She makes a face, which she wouldn't have done three days ago. "Don't call me Natty. I slept okay. Jared let me get Lucky Charms."

"You're a menace," says Jensen.

"Bite me," says the faggot. "Lucky Charms rule. Right, Natalie?"

Natty smiles, just a little, and Kyle wants to shove her out of his lap, but he doesn't. "Right!" she says.

Kyle drinks his coffee, and wishes he had a pop tart.

*

Kyle wishes he didn't remember his dad. Natty doesn't, not really--she remembers the good parts, because she was too young for mama to tell her the bad parts. She doesn't know that Jensen abandoned them, that he decided he was a cocksucker and didn't want them. That he didn't love them.

Natty remembers that mama was sad, but she doesn't understand just how wrong dad was.

*

Kyle makes it one week.

Natty unpacks the first day, puts her clothes into the IKEA dresser that the faggot bought them while Jensen was in Texas. Kyle lives out of his suitcase, and finally, he's had it. He's done with Jensen being at work all day and him being expected to watch Natty because the faggot is currently employed--he doesn't even have a real job, he's just some actor, not even D-list, doing guest spots and somehow getting by on that. He's like thirty-five, he should have a real job, not a fantasy life.

He stuffs all his clothes back into his bag, not bothering to be quiet. Natty wakes up and blinks at him.

"Kyle. What're you doing?"

"I'm leaving," he says. "I'm going home. Gramma'll let me live with them."

Natty sits up, looks like she might cry. "Kyle, you can't. Dad'll--"

"I hate dad!" he says. "I don't care what dad thinks. I'll be gone before he wakes up."

"They won't sell you a ticket."

"I'll hitchhike."

"That's dangerous!"

"I don't care."

"I'll tell," says Natty.

"You better not," he says, "or I'll never forgive you."

Her lip trembles, and he knows as soon as he's gone, she'll wake Jensen anyway and tell him.

He walks out past Jensen's room. The door is a little open, and inside he can see Jensen and the faggot asleep together, Jensen's head resting against the faggot's chest, the faggot's arm draped over Jensen.

His parents always slept on their own sides of the bed.

His mama never kissed his dad good morning.

His dad never loved his mama.

Kyle takes his bag and leaves as quietly as he can.

*

He's on the street, sitting on his bag with his thumb up, for all of ten minutes before Jensen hands him a cup of coffee. It's tan with milk and probably full of sugar, just how he likes it.

He takes it and sniffles.

"I'm sorry," says Jensen. "I know I'm not what you wanted."

Kyle doesn't say anything, just drinks the coffee. He needs both hands to hold it, so he stops hitchhiking.

"We're trying to get a house," says Jensen. "Our lease isn't good for four people, the land lord made an exception because of--everything. But I want you to have your own room. Jared wants a dog. But--we talked, and," he swallows, like it's hard to keep talking. "Jared doesn't have to live with us. He can get his own place, if you can't live with him. If it's you or him, I pick you."

Kyle's hands shake on his mug, because he thinks Jensen might be crying. "But you didn't," he says quietly. "You left us for him."

"What?" asks Jensen.

"You met him, and he made you gay, and--"

"I didn't meet Jared until I moved to L.A.," says Jensen, sitting down on the suitcase next to Kyle. "He didn't make me anything."

"Then why did you leave?" asks Kyle.

He's not sure Jensen heard, because Jensen is quiet for a long time. Finally, he says, "Because the judge gave your mother full custody, and she told me I was never allowed to see you again. I was ruled to be an unfit parent because I was gay."

Kyle looks at him for the first time. Jensen has stubble on his face, and he's wearing a t-shirt that's too big and a pair of flannel pajama pants. He must have grabbed one of Jared's shirts when he ran out. He has his own cup of coffee, black, that he doesn't seem to have drunk at all.

"I never cheated on your mother," Jensen continues. "I didn't leave her because I met someone. I didn't want to do that to her. I thought I loved her when I married her, and when I realized--I told her. I wanted to hurt her as little as possible." He laughs shortly. "It didn't go very well."

"I thought you didn't love us," he says, and he means me, and Jensen knows it.

"No," says Jensen. "I've always loved you. I never stopped."

"You didn't say goodbye. Not really."

"Your mother kicked me out," says Jensen. "I thought she just needed time to cool off, but--six years and she never did."

"And then she died," says Kyle. He hasn't said it outloud, not much.

"And I'm so sorry. I never--I didn't divorce her because I hated her. I thought she deserved better, someone who would really love her."

"She just had a lot of crappy boyfriends," he says. He swallows. "How long have you been with Jared?"

"Coming up on five years."

"And you'd leave him for me?"

Jensen's quiet for a long time. "No," he says. "I'd stop living with him. He'd get his own place. But I wouldn't break up with him."

"You like him better than mama," he says. He knows it's true.

"I'm in love with him," says Jensen. "I thought I was in love with your mom, but I wasn't. And I'm sorry it was so hard for you. I never wanted to not be a part of your life."

Kyle nods.

"I still want to be part of your life," says Jensen. "So if you didn't hitchhike to Texas, I'd really appreciate it."

Kyle smiles a little. "Gramma would've just sent me back."

"I doubt it," says Jensen.

"Why?"

"I haven't seen anyone in the family since I came out. They disowned me."

Kyle turns and stares at him. "What?"

Jensen doesn't look at him. "They told me it was unnatural, and I was a disgrace. The usual stuff. Jared's family likes me okay."

"I'm sorry I called you a faggot," says Kyle quietly.

"It's okay," says Jensen. "I didn't really think it was about me being gay."

Kyle shakes his head.

Jensen gets up, takes a sip of coffee.

"I want a dog too," Kyle says in a rush.

Jensen smiles. "I'm so outnumbered," he says. He adds, "Your sister's pretty worried you're never going to talk to her again. You better apologize."

"Okay," says Kyle. "I will." He swallows. "Dad."

Jensen grins.

*

Upstairs, Natty is drinking milk and looking guilty while Jared cracks eggs.

"Morning," says Jared, when he sees them. Dad crosses the room to refill his cup, and Jared gives him the usual kiss and his own quiet, "Hey."

"Morning," says Kyle, as evenly as he can, mostly to Natalie, but not not to Jared. "I'm sorry I got mad at you, Natty."

"Natalie," she says. When she glares at him, he can see she's been crying, and he gives her a hug.

"Sorry," he says again.

"Don't go," she mutters.

"I'm not gonna."

Jared says, "I'm making pancakes, Kyle. You want some?"

"Yes," says Kyle. "If it's not too much trouble."

Jared gives him a big smile. "No problem at all."