(no subject)

[longsufferingly]

So, I have no doubt this will turn into a verse of some kind, but for now, I am at the beach and I need to do challenge fic if I'm doing anything, so I'm posting this, which is something like a first part, and hoping that means it will leave me alone to finish my challenges before I have to write more of it.

Title: Childhood Is the Kingdom Where Nobody Dies
Author: chash
Fandom: Supernatural RPS
Pairing: Jared Padalecki/Jensen Ackles, Jensen Ackles/OFC
Rating: G
Warnings: Outsider POV, kidfic, character death (prefic, OFC).
Word Count: 1700.
Summary: Natalie is moving in with her father, and she doesn't remember him, and her hands won't stop shaking. First in the Natalie 'verse.
Disclaimer: Lies and untruths.


Natalie is sitting in the window seat.

Kyle is in the middle seat, and dad is in the aisle seat.

Natalie's hands are shaking.

Natalie's hands are shaking so much she can't open the peanuts, because the peanuts are always tough for her, they never want to open, and now her hands are shaking too. Dad offers to help her, and as soon as he does Kyle does too, and Natalie thinks that now it will always be like this, always dad and Kyle helping, because mama is--

Natalie is sitting in the window seat, and outside is the sky. The sky is blue and has clouds. Natalie has a soda. Mama wouldn't let her get a soda, even on the plane. Dad doesn't know that she isn't allowed.

But now she is allowed.

Natalie is sitting in the window seat, and she has hands, and her hands are shaking.

She cannot stop them.

Kyle sees that her hands are shaking, and he puts his arm around her.

She hears dad ask if she needs anything. He might be asking Kyle.

She does not answer, and Kyle does.

Kyle says he will take care of her.

Before, Natalie sometimes wanted to meet her dad again.

Natalie is sitting in the window seat. Kyle would not let her sit next to dad, because Kyle doesn't like dad. Kyle remembers dad from before, and Kyle doesn't like him. Natalie doesn't know what dad did to make Kyle not like him, because she doesn't remember dad, except that he was nice, and he still sends Christmas presents, so she thinks he must still be nice. But Kyle never opens his.

Now he'll have to, because dad will see. Because mama is--

Natalie is sitting in the window seat.

Natalie is trying to sleep, but she doesn't know how to stop thinking, or how to stop her hands shaking. In four hours, she will be in California, where she has never been.

It's good she can start the school year at the beginning, the counselor had told dad, over Natalie's head. She'll have an easier time acclimating.

Dad didn't seem to believe her, and Natalie didn't either.

Dad is not like Natalie expected. He is quiet and looks sad, and he is very cautious with her, like they are strangers, but dad must remember her even if she doesn't remember him, because he was older. But he treats her like they have never met, and everything about him says he is sorry.

Natalie closes her eyes and waits.

*

Natalie wakes up when the plane touches down. Los Angeles has palm trees, like in the movies, and everyone is anxious to stand. Dad gets up first, hands Kyle his bag, and then gives Natalie hers.

"How'd you sleep?" asks Dad.

"Good."

"It's not--I don't know how the apartment's going to be. While I was gone--" he rubs his neck. Kyle rubs his neck the same way. Maybe they both picked it up from mama, or mama picked it up from dad. No matter what, it's a matter of family. "Anyway. We'll change whatever you don't like."

"No you won't," mutters Kyle, and Kyle is right.

*

Dad was in Richardson for two weeks. They stayed in the house that was Natalie's, and that was dad's too once upon a time. They put things in boxes, and they picked what to keep of mama's things, and what to sell, and what to do with everything in the whole house.

They all went to the funeral together, but not together, because Kyle and Natalie were apart. Natalie cried, and she didn't look at Kyle, so he cried too.

Dad cried, but he was quiet, like he was embarrassed to be sad, and relatives came up and glared. Grandma said he shouldn't have come.

Natalie was glad he did, but she was embarrassed to say it.

*

Most of Natalie's things are in boxes, in a truck, driving to California. She has one bag that mama bought her because she begged. It is pink. She wants to wait longer to see it, because she thinks she might cry. She begged mama, and she will never beg mama again.

Natalie's hands haven't stopped shaking.

Natalie is walking to the baggage claim. She is looking at her feet. Her feet do not shake. Her feet follow each other like always.

Dad takes one of her hands, and she holds it. Dad's hands are bigger than Kyle's, and they're shaking too.

The first thing dad said was, "It's so good to see you. God, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Natty."

"I'm Natalie now," was the first thing she said to dad.

She wishes it had been better.

She squeezes his hand, and he smiles a little, but he doesn't look happy. He looks tired, and old, and not like she remembered him, but he's her dad.

There is a tall man at the baggage claim.

There are a lot of people at the baggage claim, but when dad sees the tall man, he stops, and he stares, and for the first time, he doesn't just look sad. He looks a little happy and a little angry too, and he shakes his head and gives the tall man a hug with just one arm, because he keeps holding Natalie's hand. He leans his forehead into the tall man's neck, and the tall man hugs him back.

"I told you not to come," says dad.

"Yeah," says the tall guy. "I didn't listen."

"Brat," says dad, and then he pulls back from the tall guy. "Uh. Kyle, Natalie, this is my roommate, Jared. Jared, these are my kids."

Kyle snorts. "Roommate? Jesus, dad, tell the truth."

Dad flushes. "Kyle, I don't know what your mother told you, but--"

"She told me the truth," says Kyle. "You're a faggot, and he's a faggot too."

"Don't use that word," says dad, and it's the first time he's gotten mad at either of them. But he sounds serious. "Never use that word."

When Kyle swears, he gets all red and splotchy, because he's embarrassed and he's not very good at it. He's twelve, and he thinks he should be.

Natalie doesn't know that word, but Kyle is splotchy and dad is angry, so it must be a swear.

"Natalie," says dad, kneeling down so he is shorter than her. "Do you know what gay means?"

"Lame," says Natalie.

The tall man winces.

The tall man's name is Jared.

Jared winces.

"No, it doesn't," says dad. "It means--it means when you're a man, you love other men. You want to marry them. And if you're a woman, you want to marry other women."

"And dad's gay," says Kyle. He says it like it means lame.

"Jared's my boyfriend," says dad. "He lives with me. He's going to live with us."

"I did your room," says Jared, like he isn't sure he should. "So if it sucks, it's my fault."

"We should get our bags," says dad.

Kyle isn't saying anything, and Natalie knows he is angry. He is angry at dad, for being gay, and maybe at Jared, for being gay too.

Natalie takes her shaking hand and lets go of dad and takes Kyle's instead. She doesn't look at dad while she does it.

"Let's go," says Natalie, and Kyle follows her.

*

Kyle says, "That's why they got divorced."

"Why?" asks Natalie. Her bed has white sheets and a pink comforter. It's the bottom bunk. She has never had bunkbeds before.

Before she had a house and her own room, and space for all her own things. Dad's apartment is small. One bedroom is his and Jared's, and one is hers and Kyle's. Before she would have been angry to have to share, but now she wants to keep him close.

"Because dad's gay."

"So he didn't love mama?"

"No," says Kyle. "He didn't."

"Is that why you hate him?"

Kyle doesn't answer. Soon, he's asleep.

*

Mama was going to the store. Kyle was at home, and he was annoyed, because he had to stay home with Natalie and not go over to Jack's house.

Mama never came home, and now they're in California, and Kyle is never going to Jack's again.

*

Natalie can't sleep. Natalie probably can't sleep because she slept on the plane, and because Los Angeles is louder than Texas, and because her mother is dead.

Her mother is dead.

Natalie is in the bathroom, sitting on the toilet. Her hands are shaking.

She is not crying.

She splashes water on her face and looks at herself in the mirror.

Her hair is blonde, that's mama.

She has freckles, that's dad.

She's alive, and she's in California, and she will never see her mother again.

Natalie is in the hall, and she hears voices. She isn't supposed to listen, but she can't move either.

"Jesus, Jared," dad is saying. His door is a little open, she can see the light. "What am I doing?"

"The only thing it's humanly possible to do? You're being a dad."

"Yeah, but--god, I don't know the first thing--"

"Hey, come on. You were a dad for six years, right? Before the divorce."

Dad makes an unhappy sound. "Kyle hates me and Natalie doesn't remember me."

"Kyle doesn't hate you. His mom just died. He hates everyone."

"Yeah, it's--my mom's still alive. I don't even--god, I can't begin to--"

"Hey. I know it's the worst fucking thing in the world. It's the shittiest situation. But you know what? They've got you. And you love them. That's a hell of a lot better off than they could be."

Dad is quiet for a long time, and Natalie thinks maybe he's asleep too.

Finally, he says, "Thanks for staying. For making me let you, I guess."

"I'm really persuasive. And there was no way I was leaving you alone, dumbass."

"Yeah. Thanks."

"You really don't have to thank me, Jensen."

"Yeah, I know."

*

Natalie remembers that her father loved her. She knows that "dada" was her first word, that he carried her around on his shoulders. She knows that he sends presents and writes letters.

She knows that when he left, no one told her why. She knows that he paid child support. She knows that she waited for him to come back.

She has no idea who he is.