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Jun. 24th, 2009 09:47 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
longsufferinglyFAMOUS ON THE INTERNET
A story about Chad Michael Murray, friendship, love, and the capacity of Jensen Ackles' ass.
i.
When Chad Michael Murray was sixteen, he discovered the internet.
Not like Al Gore did, like, the delusional crazy way, just in a normal, teenage-boy way. That is: here is a new way to look at naked people.
Back then, he had not yet realized how much more you could do with it.
ii.
Of course, as far as Chad is concerned, the primary reason to use the internet is still to look at naked people. Granted, now that he is a huge-ass movie star, he can just look at naked people whenever he wants because naked people just throw themselves on his dick and start humping.
Being a movie star is amazing.
But Chad still loves porn, because rational people love porn.
It isn't until he meets Jensen fucking Ackles that he decides there is another use for the internet: making people go crazy.
iii.
Chad doesn't, like, hate Jensen Ackles or anything. But the thing is, before Jensen Ackles got cast in Supernatural, Chad was Jared's best friend. And it's not like Chad doesn't have people out the door who just wish they could be his best friend, but none of them have been trained and housebroken like Jared has.
It would be a pain, is the point.
So Chad starts trolling.
iv.
Trolling is, like, the second greatest thing that man has invented, after porn. You can just come up with a name and get on the internet and make up total lies and people will believe you.
Granted, trolling IMDB is like shooting fish in a barrel made of fish, with bullets made of fish. And maybe you're also made of fish.
Point is, trolling on IMDB is like getting fish really, really easy. Like. It's harder to NOT troll on IMDB. As far as Chad knows, no one has ever tried it.
v.
Chad trolls in a number of ways.
1. Pretending to be Jensen Ackles.
2. Pretending to be Jared Padalecki.
3. Pretending to be a fangirl who used to date someone.
4. Pretending to be Ted Casablanca.
5. Pretending to be Chad Michael Murray.
No matter which he does, he reveals Jensen Ackles' horrible secrets, including that he is gay (barely a secret), he is in love with Jared but Jared is totally too good for him (even less of a secret), he is illiterate, he used to be a woman, he is a tool.
For some reason, people usually believe him if he pretends to be a fangirl who used to date someone. Internet is stupid.
vi.
Chad has seventeen twitters.
It's hard being such an epic sockpuppeteer, but now that he's not on One Tree Hill, he has more time.
vii.
@mishacollins omg tell jensen that i luvvvvvvvv him!!1
@mishacollins is it ture jensen has herpes? did he give it to jared?
@mishacollins will u marry me?
viii.
If taking a picture of Jensen with Jared's phone and using it to prove that his jacklesass twitter is legit is wrong, then Chad doesn't want to be right.
ix.
By the time Jensen and Jared actually start fucking, Chad has successfully convinced people on the internet that:
-Jensen Ackles can't read
-Jensen Ackles has a distinct old-man smell
-Jensen Ackles once denied the holocaust
-Jensen Ackles once had three dicks in his ass at the same time and liked it
-Jensen Ackles owns three pairs of high heels
-Jensen Ackles thinks his fans have rabies
It's kind of like those Chuck Norris facts, except awesomer, and possibly true.
x.
"So now that you're, like, dating Jensen or whatever," says Chad.
"Dating, yes," says Jared. "Just because we're guys doesn't mean it's not dating."
"Whatever. Now that you're getting anal regularly, I'm your best friend again, right?"
Jared raises his eyebrows. "Chad, Jensen is--we're not. I mean."
Chad sighs. "Yeah, yeah. Your epic gay romance is all-consuming and he's your everything."
"You're still my--you're still Chad," says Jared, which is the kind of gay shit Chad had been hoping to avoid.
"Whatever," says Chad. He doesn't really mind. He doesn't need Jared, anymore. His sockpuppets? They've got followers.
Besides, if he was Jared's best friend again he wouldn't have a reason to make up shit about Jensen. And that? Would be fucking tragic. Someone's gotta tell the internet that Jensen Ackles has three nipples. They are never gonna guess where it is.
Third greatest thing man has invented? Photoshop.
A story about Chad Michael Murray, friendship, love, and the capacity of Jensen Ackles' ass.
i.
When Chad Michael Murray was sixteen, he discovered the internet.
Not like Al Gore did, like, the delusional crazy way, just in a normal, teenage-boy way. That is: here is a new way to look at naked people.
Back then, he had not yet realized how much more you could do with it.
ii.
Of course, as far as Chad is concerned, the primary reason to use the internet is still to look at naked people. Granted, now that he is a huge-ass movie star, he can just look at naked people whenever he wants because naked people just throw themselves on his dick and start humping.
Being a movie star is amazing.
But Chad still loves porn, because rational people love porn.
It isn't until he meets Jensen fucking Ackles that he decides there is another use for the internet: making people go crazy.
iii.
Chad doesn't, like, hate Jensen Ackles or anything. But the thing is, before Jensen Ackles got cast in Supernatural, Chad was Jared's best friend. And it's not like Chad doesn't have people out the door who just wish they could be his best friend, but none of them have been trained and housebroken like Jared has.
It would be a pain, is the point.
So Chad starts trolling.
iv.
Trolling is, like, the second greatest thing that man has invented, after porn. You can just come up with a name and get on the internet and make up total lies and people will believe you.
Granted, trolling IMDB is like shooting fish in a barrel made of fish, with bullets made of fish. And maybe you're also made of fish.
Point is, trolling on IMDB is like getting fish really, really easy. Like. It's harder to NOT troll on IMDB. As far as Chad knows, no one has ever tried it.
v.
Chad trolls in a number of ways.
1. Pretending to be Jensen Ackles.
2. Pretending to be Jared Padalecki.
3. Pretending to be a fangirl who used to date someone.
4. Pretending to be Ted Casablanca.
5. Pretending to be Chad Michael Murray.
No matter which he does, he reveals Jensen Ackles' horrible secrets, including that he is gay (barely a secret), he is in love with Jared but Jared is totally too good for him (even less of a secret), he is illiterate, he used to be a woman, he is a tool.
For some reason, people usually believe him if he pretends to be a fangirl who used to date someone. Internet is stupid.
vi.
Chad has seventeen twitters.
It's hard being such an epic sockpuppeteer, but now that he's not on One Tree Hill, he has more time.
vii.
@mishacollins omg tell jensen that i luvvvvvvvv him!!1
@mishacollins is it ture jensen has herpes? did he give it to jared?
@mishacollins will u marry me?
viii.
If taking a picture of Jensen with Jared's phone and using it to prove that his jacklesass twitter is legit is wrong, then Chad doesn't want to be right.
ix.
By the time Jensen and Jared actually start fucking, Chad has successfully convinced people on the internet that:
-Jensen Ackles can't read
-Jensen Ackles has a distinct old-man smell
-Jensen Ackles once denied the holocaust
-Jensen Ackles once had three dicks in his ass at the same time and liked it
-Jensen Ackles owns three pairs of high heels
-Jensen Ackles thinks his fans have rabies
It's kind of like those Chuck Norris facts, except awesomer, and possibly true.
x.
"So now that you're, like, dating Jensen or whatever," says Chad.
"Dating, yes," says Jared. "Just because we're guys doesn't mean it's not dating."
"Whatever. Now that you're getting anal regularly, I'm your best friend again, right?"
Jared raises his eyebrows. "Chad, Jensen is--we're not. I mean."
Chad sighs. "Yeah, yeah. Your epic gay romance is all-consuming and he's your everything."
"You're still my--you're still Chad," says Jared, which is the kind of gay shit Chad had been hoping to avoid.
"Whatever," says Chad. He doesn't really mind. He doesn't need Jared, anymore. His sockpuppets? They've got followers.
Besides, if he was Jared's best friend again he wouldn't have a reason to make up shit about Jensen. And that? Would be fucking tragic. Someone's gotta tell the internet that Jensen Ackles has three nipples. They are never gonna guess where it is.
Third greatest thing man has invented? Photoshop.
