My Name Is Trouble 2/3
Jun. 9th, 2009 11:44 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
longsufferinglyPart one
Jensen shifts from one foot to the other outside Jared's door. It's a nice house; very normal, ordinary. He feels overly large and conspicuous in Ithaca; it's smaller than LA, smaller than Vancouver, even smaller than Richardson. He's not a huge star, and he knows it, but he still feels recognizable and exposed. If Jared kicks him out, he's got nowhere to go. He doesn't know anyone else here.
But he hasn't got a choice.
He knocks.
The door opens a few minutes later, and Jensen--Jensen just stares.
He hasn't seen Jared Padalecki in person in six years. He knows if he thought about it, he could get it down to a matter of months, days, maybe even hours, maybe even small divisions. But that's over now, because Jared's in front of him.
He's still tall, but he's not quite as large as he used to be. He's still in-shape, definitely, but he clearly can't bench as much as once did, probably doesn't have as much reason to work out.
He's staring back at Jensen, and Jensen wonders what changes matter to him; if he cares that Jensen's more ripped than he used to be, if he cares that Jensen's hair is a little gray at the temples.
"Hi," he manages, and raises one hand, an almost wave, pulling one side of his mouth up so he's almost smiling.
"Jesus," Jared breathes, and then he grins, and then he's hugging Jensen, pulling him up off the ground a little. "Hi," he says.
"Dude," says Jensen, hugging back as best he can with his arms crushed to his sides. "Air."
Jared puts him on the ground and lets go. "Jesus," he repeats. Then, his face changes, gets more serious. "What are you doing here?"
Jensen rubs the back of his neck. "Uh. We should--go inside?" he suggests.
"Yeah," Jared shakes his head. "Yeah, come in."
Jensen steps in and looks around the hallway. He can see pictures of Jared's family, his parents, his brother and sister and their kids, Jared's coat, shoes. The bare fragments of Jared's life.
"I'm, uh," he says. Jensen really wishes he could tell Jared he just wanted to see him, because it would almost be true. But that's not why he's here. "I need a place to stay."
Jared raises his eyebrows. "In Ithaca?"
"Someone's stalking me," says Jensen in a rush.
Jared blinks. "What?"
"I dunno, it's--"
Jared grabs his arm. "C'mon, let's sit down. You can tell me--whatever."
Jared gets him situated in the living room and brings him a glass of ice tea--not beer, Jensen thinks, wondering if Jared's ever given him a non-alcoholic drink before--and then sits down across from him, all concern.
Just like old times.
"You get invited to Cassidy's party?"
"Yeah, why?"
"I went to that," he says. "And the next day, I got this call. Unknown number, hung up as soon as I said hi. I figured I just gave my number to one of those girls from that stupid 90210 remake and she realized I wasn't--whoever," he says. The tea is cool and tastes like home. "But it kept happening. Got to be longer before they hung up. It freaked me out. So I changed my number."
"Yeah," says Jared. "I got the e-mail."
Jensen nods. He wonders if Jared thinks it's weird that Jensen sent it. Of course, Jared sent his new address years ago. That's how Jensen knew where to find him. "I wasn't sure," he says. "That's why I didn't call."
"Yeah," says Jared again, and Jensen's pretty sure he knows the other reasons Jensen didn't call too. Jared always knew better than Jensen did what Jensen meant when he talked. "So...?"
"So I just sent that number to people I knew. And, uh, the calls didn't stop. Started coming to my house."
"Jesus," says Jared. "Creepy."
"Letters too. And yesterday one with no postmark, no address, and--man, I couldn't stay there."
"I don't blame you," says Jared. He leans back on the couch, staring up at the ceiling. His neck isn't as tan as it used to be, but it's taut and Jensen can see his Adam's apple bob as he swallows. "God. Did you call the police?"
"After the first letter, yeah. They're on it, I guess."
"And they told you to leave?"
"I wanted to. I couldn't--"
"Yeah," says Jared. He speaks again after a break, too casually. "And I guess no one'll look for you here."
"Jared," he says. "Man, that's not--I mean, I thought about that, yeah, but--"
Jared waves his hand. "Hey, it's kind of lucky, right? Works out."
"Ja--"
"Come on," says Jared, standing up. "I'll give you the grand tour."
Jensen could smack himself. But he doesn't. He just follows Jared into the house.
*
Jensen is right behind him, and Jared almost can't breathe.
He's kept up with Jensen, of course--watches his show every week, sees his movies, everything. Because he's still proud of Jensen.
He's still--nothing's changed for Jared. He didn't stop seeing Jensen at the end of Supernatural because he didn't like him.
But it's hard to take your best friend drunkenly making out with you and proposing to his girlfriend a week later as anything other than a rejection.
And sleeping with said girlfriend two years later certainly hadn't helped.
Jared takes a breath. "So this is the hallway."
"You don't say," says Jensen. He's closer than Jared realized.
"Don't be a jerk," says Jared. "This is the kitchen in here, where I cook my awesome meals."
"I remember your awesome meals. I've got some doubts about that one."
"You loved my cooking."
"Rice doesn't crunch, Jared."
"Awesome rice does."
"Uh huh."
It scares Jared, a little, how easy it is to fall back into being with Jensen. How familiar he is, after six fucking years.
"This is the study."
Jensen pokes around, looking at things. "You grade a lot."
"I give a lot of quizzes."
Jensen looks up, a smile playing around his lips. "I bet you're a total hardass, aren't you."
"Total."
Jensen looks back at the books, takes a deep breath. "I missed you," he says.
"Jensen--"
"I meant to--" he laughs. "Everybody's been telling me to call you for years. And I--kind of suck."
"Yeah," Jared agrees. "But I suck too. Want to see upstairs? I can show you your room."
"My room?"
Jared flushes. "The guest room," he says. "I kind of--you need a place to stay, right?"
"Yeah. I--thanks. For, you know."
"Everything?" asks Jared, smiling a little.
"Not being a jerk."
"Eh, it got old," says Jared. "I figure we can try something else for a change."
They're on their way up the stairs when the door opens, and Greg calls, "Hey!"
Jensen freezes.
Jared shoves him lightly. "First door on the left," he whispers. Then, loudly, "Hey, Greg!"
"Shouldn't I--"
"Let me explain first," says Jared. He tromps down the stairs. "What's up?"
"I wanted to apologize," says Greg. "Look, I knew you weren't--I know this isn't a thing for you. Not a long-term thing. I knew that coming in and I shouldn't--"
"Don't apologize," says Jared. "This isn't you. But, um. Now really isn't the best time. I--"
"Hi," says Jensen brightly, from behind him. Jared kind of wants to punch him. "I don't think we've met."
His voice is friendly and casual, more cheerful than he usually is. It's the voice he uses when he's meeting people as an actor, not as another person.
Greg's jaw drops. "Holy shit."
"You must be Greg," Jensen continues.
"Yeah. I'm, uh. I. I love your show."
Jensen grins. "Thanks, that's nice of you to say."
"What are--Jared, why--"
"Jensen's visiting for a couple weeks," says Jared, slinging an arm over Jensen's shoulder. The motion is as familiar as breathing. "He's got a hiatus."
"Oh," says Greg. "Yeah, of course, I guess he would--I thought you guys were--"
"I was an asshole," says Jensen. "Jared's giving me a chance to make it up to him."
"Oh."
"I was just trying to get him settled," says Jared. "You want to put your stuff upstairs, Jensen?"
"Sure. Nice to meet you, Greg."
"Yeah," Greg echoes.
Jensen takes off upstairs and Jared might kick his ass later. "I didn't know he was coming," Jared says quickly. "You can't tell anybody."
"What?" asks Greg. He's still looking dazed; Jared doesn't blame him. He's not sure there's a gay guy alive who doesn't have a little crush on Jensen.
"He's--no one knows he's here. That needs to stay true."
"I would--I wouldn't ever--"
"I know," says Jared quickly. "Just gotta say it."
"I thought you guys didn't get along."
"No," says Jared. "We've always gotten along. I just slept with his ex-girlfriend."
Greg nods. "I, um. I guess I should go?"
"Yeah, probably. He really--he just got here. But I'll call you later."
"Okay."
He kisses Greg quickly and wishes he wasn't still thinking about Jensen when he did it. As soon as the car turns on outside, Jared heads up the stairs. He finds Jensen sitting on the guest bed, looking down at his hands with an intensity he can't quite interpret.
It's been too long, apparently.
"You shouldn't have come down."
"Why, so you could lie to your boyfriend?"
"Isn't the point of coming here being, you know, in hiding? No one's supposed to know!"
"He's your boyfriend. I assume he visits. I'm not going to ask you to break up with him to keep me secret, man."
Jared glares. "We could have come up with a plan."
"Maybe I wanted to meet him. See if he's good enough for you, you know."
Jared huffs out a laugh. "You're such a bastard."
"I've been told."
*
Jared cooks, and Jensen sits in the kitchen and tells him about how Aldis and Chris pranked him at the end of filming with a scarily realistic goat mask. Jared laughs as he cooks, full-bodied guffaws that Jensen's missed so much he can't articulate it.
It's so normal it's actually eerie. Something's got to break.
"Will--he teaches chem--he's the senior class adviser so they keep putting random shit in his room. Last week it was chickens."
"Chickens?"
"Hey, I just teach them, I don't understand them."
"Like hell, man, you're basically a middle schooler."
"Shut up."
Jensen laughs. "It seems like it's working for you."
"What?"
"Everything. Your life."
"Yeah, I am currently alive."
"You know what I mean. I always thought you were good with acting, but--you seem happy."
"You know me, Jensen," he says with a smile. "I'm always happy."
Jensen snorts. "Sure."
"What about you?"
"Everybody in the fucking world knows I'm not happy," says Jensen.
"Yeah, but you could be. You've gotta--you could stop being an asshole, you know."
"I am," says Jensen. "Did I say I'm sorry?"
"Yeah, and I told you not to. I was just as much of a jerk as you. I fucked your ex-girlfriend."
"Yeah, but in your defense, my ex-girlfriend is really hot."
Jared lets out a surprised laugh. "You're right, she really is."
Jensen smiles at the table and Jared clears his throat.
"So--stalker."
"Or something, I guess. I--it's so creepy."
"Yeah, I bet. You always did attract the crazies."
"Ha ha. I'm so glad I came to stay with you. Mike would've been more sympathetic."
"Like hell. Should've gone to Tahiti, Misha would've taken you in. Shown you the sights."
"No one had that number I didn't send it to. No one knew I'd left my house I didn't tell."
Jared hadn't gotten the e-mail about Jensen moving out until after he arrived, and Jensen had clarified the timeline for him a little, but he still--he doesn't fucking know anything.
"Not a lot of people know your address either," Jared points out.
"Would you believe that was less scary?"
"Why?" asks Jared. He sets a plate of pasta down in front of Jensen. It looks completely edible; Jensen is honestly surprised.
"You can probably find that on the internet or something; that's--creepy as hell, but I get how it happens. The other stuff--I told my friends. So what the hell does that say about who I can trust?"
Jared nods, digging in to his food. "I guess I get it. But, I dunno. There's gotta be something else, right? Something you're missing. Because--I know most of the people you tell your number to, and I really don't think any of them are stalking you."
"At first I thought it was Mike," he admits.
"Mike?"
"As a joke," he clarifies quickly. "But the first call--he was there," he says, blushing. He's never mentioned to Jared the habit he has of sometimes fucking Mike Rosenbaum. Not just because he hasn't talked to Jared since it started happening. He isn't sure he's ready to address the fact that both their preferences have shifted to men.
Actually, he knows he isn't ready.
"I told him it might be a creepy stalker, he thought it was funny," Jensen explains.
"Sounds more plausible than I'd like," says Jared, nodding.
Jensen finally starts in on his dinner, is still pretty surprised to find it edible. He tells Jared as much.
"Fuck you."
"You're such a crappy host."
"I know, I know." Jared taps his chin. "Rosenbaum wouldn't send you notes."
"Definitely not."
"Are the two of you . . . ?"
Jensen shrugs uncomfortably. "We hook up sometimes. Nothing serious."
"Not like I'm judging. Just from what I heard, you might as well have joined a monastery."
"I tried," says Jensen easily, "but they weren't willing to work around my filming commitments."
Jared laughs. Jensen missed making Jared Padalecki laugh. "You'd look hot with that haircut, though. Bald on top? Chicks dig it."
"Yeah, I hear robes and bowlcuts are making a real comeback."
Jared laughs and shakes his head. "It's really good to have you here, you know? Good to see you."
Jensen swallows. "Yeah. I know."
*
Jared drags himself downstairs to the smell of coffee already brewing. He doesn't remember it's Jensen and not Greg who started the pot until he gets to the kitchen and Jensen is there.
"Hey," says Jensen, with an awkward half-wave like the one when he first saw Jared. "I made coffee. I didn't want to try anything else in case I burned down your house or something."
Jared laughs. "Since when do you wake up before me?"
"Since my mom called me in a panic. Guess my 'I'm okay' e-mail didn't really come across like I thought."
"What a shocker," says Jared. He pours himself coffee; it's weirdly familiar, sitting in the kitchen together first thing in the morning, getting their caffeine fix. They've done this before, a thousand times, last time they lived together.
"You saying I'm not smooth?"
"Me, man? Never." He throws a grin over his shoulder as he checks out the fridge. "Eggs sound good?"
"Works for me, yeah." He takes a seat at the table, takes another swig of coffee. "You don't have a dog."
Jared swallows. "No, I don't."
"Sorry. I was just--I figured you'd always have one."
He shakes his head. "I haven't--hasn't been the right time. Greg keeps saying we should get one, and if I get one now, it'll be like--"
"Like you're getting a dog with him."
"Yeah."
"You think it's too soon?"
"I think it might always be too soon." He refuses to look at Jensen for a reaction to that.
"You guys have been dating for a while, right?"
"About a year."
"But you're not?"
From anyone else, it wouldn't be a question, but he knows exactly what Jensen means. "I'm not serious about him."
"He's serious about you."
"Yeah."
"Sorry. That's--awkward as hell, actually."
That startles another laugh out of Jared. "Been there?"
"I've been having nothing but casual sex for like five years. I live there."
"Must be hard, being so pretty, having so many people want you."
"Shut up."
Jensen's phone rings as Jared laughs, and Jensen smiles as he checks the caller ID and picks up. "Hey, Chris."
Jared fools around with the eggs, shamelessly eavesdropping. If Jensen doesn't want him to hear, he'll leave the room. Simple as that.
"No, I'm not in the hotel. Yeah, I took off." Jensen laughs. "No, it's a secret. Not from you, from everybody. Yes, Maria knows I'm gone. But nobody knows where I am." Another laugh. "Yeah, I'm in Tijuana. Bodyshots."
Jared holds in a snort at that one.
"Yeah, you know I'm always thinking of you, baby," Jensen shoots back, but he sobers quickly. "Yeah, honestly, I'm fine. I just--I really need a break. From the world. Nothing personal, I swear." He smiles. "Yeah, jerkface, I'll call you."
Jared grins as Jensen hangs up. "You know, I miss that guy sometimes."
"You could always visit," says Jensen.
"Now I could, yeah."
Jensen smirks, but the cockiness is fake. "Don't tell me I was keeping you away."
"No offense Ackles, but when you're awkward? You're awkward."
"Like you weren't."
Like we're not, Jared thinks. Because--this isn't better.
The fact of the matter is, six years ago, Jared kissed Jensen, and Jensen kissed him back. Six years ago they made out slow on Jared's couch, half an hour of lips and tongues and hands on each other's faces, nothing so fleeting either of them could pretend it was a mistake.
But they'd never talked about it, not once, and Jensen proposed to his girlfriend a week later, and even though she turned him down, they still never talked about it.
"This is good," says Jensen. "Can't believe you learned to cook."
"I'm a highly functional adult," Jared protests.
"Never thought I'd see the day."
Even as it feels the same as always, Jared can't help thinking that everything between them is new and fragile. Dangerous, almost.
He doesn't say I didn't think you would either.
He smiles and eats breakfast, legs not touching Jensen's under the table.
*
They fall into a routine, which Jared didn't see coming, somehow. Even though they're easy together and always have been, it seemed impossible to think that after six years they'd just fall back together like nothing. Especially with Jensen having a stalker. But when Jared comes home from work there's food cooking, and when Jensen wakes up there's coffee made, and it's as nice as it always had been. Nights, they sit side by side on the couch, Jared making up or grading quizzes, Jensen reading through a pile of scripts he brought with him.
It's sickeningly domestic and comfortable.
Jensen stretches and cracks his neck Wednesday night. "Any bad kid stories today?" he asks.
"I caught Miles and Wendy making out in the gym."
"Behind the bleachers?"
"No."
"Kids got no sense of tradition."
"I know. Any news from the police?"
"Nothing. No leads."
"How many calls?"
"None."
"So--nothing since you got here, right?"
"Owen told Olivia what's happening, she's been checking my mail. Two more letters."
"Is that good or bad?"
"I'm not sure. I guess it's good they're not coming here."
"No one except you and your boyfriend know I'm here. Speaking of which," Jensen glances over, "haven't seen your boyfriend."
"It's the school week. We're busy."
"You seriously telling me you wouldn't be seeing him if I wasn't here?"
"I didn't tell him not to come or anything," says Jared.
It's true; he hasn't really talked to Greg much one way or the other since Jensen showed up. Things were awkward enough before Jared started living with his best friend in the world again, and now it just seems like everything is going to end up fucked beyond recognition. Jared doesn't really want to have a conversation with Greg about anything right now, and Greg's the kind of guy who likes talking about stuff.
"You could tell him to come," Jensen says. "I'm not going to be pissed or anything."
Jared shrugs. "We'll probably go out this weekend. Which reminds me, you ever gonna go out?"
"On dates?"
"Of the apartment."
"What part of 'in hiding' do you not get, Jared?"
"The part where you go stir-crazy and try to kill me in my sleep."
"I went into the backyard to read the other day."
"For a TV star, you have the saddest life I have ever heard of."
"I do not," Jensen grumbles. "You still hang out with Chad Michael Murray."
"Not often," says Jared, but it's true, he does. And Chad's life is on the sad side.
"It's kind of nice," says Jensen. "Relaxing."
"Cuz you're not a homebody all the time."
The first two years after Supernatural, Jensen went out, partied, hooked up. It seems cosmically unfair that Jensen should have gotten like this, so introverted and unhappy, because of something Jared did, because of Jared and Danneel and the shitstorm that followed with Danneel being a rising star. She's still called a whore for sleeping with her ex's best friend, and he's still congratulated by high school boys who think she's hot, and Jensen wasn't involved at all and his name still gets dragged out because he's so heartbroken.
Having actually spoken to Jensen now, Jared's pretty sure he just can't be bothered to have relationships anymore.
"I've got Chris and Steve."
"Yeah, you guys have a winning non-sexual threesome going on."
"I hate you," says Jensen. His phone rings. "Fuck, shit."
"What?"
"Unknown caller."
"You think it's the guy?"
"Who else is it gonna be?"
"An unknown caller, I guess," says Jared.
Jensen picks up. "Hello?" Jensen's face falls farther. "Hello?" He hangs up.
"Sorry," says Jared. What do you say to that? He thinks it could be worse, but it's worse because there's nothing Jensen can do. There's no one to track down. There are no clues.
"Thanks," says Jensen. "You--I'm glad I'm staying with you. Glad you're letting me."
"Yeah, I'm definitely the kind of guy who turns his best friend out on the streets."
It's the first time either of them has said that, has acknowledged that they were best friends.
That they are best friends.
Jensen laughs, relieved. "Yeah, you've always been that guy. Remember season four when you totally wouldn't let me live with you?"
"Yeah, that was a real jerk move."
"Well, you're a real jerk."
Jared knocks his knee against Jensen's.
If he's honest, he hasn't thought about calling Greg once.
*
"You think I should call him?"
Muriel rolls her eyes. "I think you should break up with him."
Greg stares. "What? You like Jared."
"Jared's a great guy, but he's not looking for what you are. If you had a friend over, you wouldn't not call him for five days, would you?"
Greg hadn't actually told Muriel who Jared's friend was, because Jared had made him promise, but that does make a difference. He thinks that it's different because Jensen Ackles is Jared's best friend and has been forever, and because when Jared looks at Jensen he looks happier to see him than he ever has when he sees Greg.
"No, I wouldn't."
"Look," says Muriel, patting his knee, "I love you, and I love Jared, but I don't think I can get to loving you and Jared together."
Greg leans his head back against the brick of the school. He thinks about Jensen Ackles, who's probably the most attractive person he's ever seen in real life, and Jared, whom he--
"What if I love Jared?" he asks softly.
Muriel gives him a look, all sadness, like he knew she would. "I was hoping you didn't."
"Yeah," says Greg, "I know."
*
Jared gets home from school and tosses his coat on the sofa with a long sigh.
"Rough day at work, honey?" asks Jensen. He pretends not to notice the brief tension that stiffens Jared's back. He guesses they aren't back at the level where acting like they're married is okay.
"The usual."
Jensen looks down at his hands. He doesn't think he should ask yet, but it's been driving him nuts since he got here--longer than that, honestly. Whenever he thought of it, on and off, for years. "You like it?"
Jared pauses in loosening his tie. "Like what?"
"This," says Jensen, with an expansive motion. "I dunno, man, I figured if one of us was gonna be living the big Hollywood dream, it'd be you."
Jared raises his eyebrows. "From what I hear, neither of us is living the big Hollywood dream."
Jensen doesn't take the bait. "You had it, Jared. You could've."
Jared goes into the kitchen, so Jensen can't see him anymore. "I didn't want to anymore."
"You wanted to marry Gen," Jensen says. He's never been sure if this is true--he's always worried that Jared was just pissed at him for--whatever happened.
Jensen still isn't sure.
Jared laughs hollowly. "I wanted to try something else. I didn't have a lot of other options."
"You had all the options in the world, dumbass. How do you end up thinking all you can do is propose to a girl and become a physics teacher or keep on being an actor?"
"I didn't plan on physics teacher. It just happened."
"You're a good actor, you know that?"
Jared's head sticks out of the kitchen, looking surprised. "I know that, yeah. Why?"
"Thought I might have driven you out of the business with my awesome. You know, felt like you weren't good enough."
Jared snorts. "Yeah, that was exactly it."
"It wasn't me, though," says Jensen. He doesn't make it a question, because he doesn't want Jared to say he's wrong.
Jared goes back in to the kitchen. "Nah, man, not you."
*
Greg calls on Friday night, while Jensen and Jared are watching Fired Up. Jensen had mocked Jared mercilessly for the fact that he owned Fired Up, which Jared can't really fault him for, but they'd agreed that the whole thing was fairly hilarious, and that they were loser enough to spend their Friday night watching a movie where a woman they'd both slept with pretended to be a lesbian.
"It's Greg," Jared says when his phone rings.
"You guys work together," says Jensen. "How have you not talked?"
"We've talked!" Jared protests. "But it's not like either of us is out at school so we can't--we don't talk about our relationship there at all."
"Isn't that weird?" asks Jensen.
"All parts of this are weird," Jared mutters. "Hey, Greg!"
"Thought you might've forgotten my name," says Greg. He sounds like he might be drunk.
Jared stands up, presses play on the DVD and makes shooing motions when Jensen protests. This is going to be a long, bad, conversation. Jensen should at least be amused during it.
Jared heads upstairs into his room and shuts the door. "I didn't forget, I've been--I haven't seen Jensen in six years. We've been catching up."
It's not strictly true. Jensen knows what Jared's been up to because Donna calls every month, and Jared knows what Jensen's been up to because he's got newspapers and Danneel and Misha and Jim and everyone else. There's not a lot to catch up on. Mostly they've been skirting around why they stopped being friends, and Jared thinks that's just because there isn't a good reason. Even some serious necking shouldn't have screwed them up.
If Jensen had just married Danneel, they'd probably be fine. None of this would have happened.
"If I was catching up, I would have called."
"It's complicated. We're--"
"You like him better."
Jared blinks. It's--it's true, is the problem. Jared likes Jensen better than pretty much anyone else in the world.
"He's my best friend."
"I'm your boyfriend. Except I don't--I think maybe I shouldn't be."
"Because of Jensen?"
"Because you don't want to come to my sister's wedding and you don't want to meet my parents and you don't love me!"
It's not something that Greg should be saying over the phone, and it should worry Jared that it's something he wants to say at all. Jared should tell him that's not true.
But it is.
And it's pretty much because of Jensen, too.
"I'm sorry," says Jared. "I--I never wanted to--I didn't mean to. I'm just not the guy you want."
Greg laughs, laughs hard and long, like Jared has just said the most hilarious thing he's ever heard. "That's it exactly," he manages finally. "You're not what I want. That's our whole problem right there."
Jared swallows. "Greg--"
"Bye, Jared."
The phone goes dead and Jared falls back on the bed, lets out a long sigh. He wants to feel bad because he hurt Greg, but he just feels kind of relieved.
He calls Danneel; he doesn't think he can talk to Chad about it yet, and he wants to talk to someone before he sees Jensen. If for no other reason than to pretend the conversation with Greg was longer. So Jensen will think he put up more of a fight.
Danneel's out somewhere--Jared can hear music in the background.
"Hey, Jared!" she shouts. "What's up?"
"You busy?" he asks.
"For you? Never!" There's a pause, and the din lessens as she closes a door. "What's up?"
"My boyfriend broke up with me."
"Am I sad for you?" she asks.
"You're sad for him. I'm a shitty boyfriend."
He hears her suck a breath in; she's smoking.
"You know you're a bad influence on the youth of today, right?"
"I know. Was it Jensen?"
"Why does everyone always think it's Jensen?"
"Maybe because it's been six years since either of you had a functional relationship."
"So that means we fucked each other up?"
"You saying I'm wrong?"
He used to. But his boyfriend just broke up with him, and he doesn't even care, because Jensen is here.
"No," he says. "We definitely fucked each other up. Why didn't you just marry him?"
"Because he's gay now," she says.
"Maybe he wouldn't be."
"It was a really bad proposal," Danneel tells him. "I was waiting for it--three years, you know? And he was always a good boyfriend. But he half-assed that, and--" she laughs, and Jared feels shittier for this than he does about Greg. Shittier because she sounds so pained remembering it, and he knows why Jensen proposed, and why he sucked at it. "I don't want to marry a guy who half-asses stuff for me."
"He loved you," Jared offers.
"Yeah," she agrees. "But still."
"Thanks," he says.
He doesn't tell her Jensen is there. It feels like he's lying to her.
*
Jared comes down the stairs slowly, and Jensen pauses the DVD as soon as he hears it.
"Going out?" he asks.
Jared laughs. "No, man. Not anymore."
"What?"
"We broke up."
"What--Jesus! Do you have, I dunno, booze? Something? I haven't had to do this in a while."
Jared laughs. "What, none of your friends break up anymore?"
"Not in a while."
"Glad to remind you, I guess."
"Seriously, do we need to get drunk til you feel better?"
The last time they got drunk, they made out.
From the way Jared stares for just a beat too long, he knows that too.
"Let's just switch to something with lots of explosions," Jared says, too casually.
"You don't want to talk about it or anything?"
"You can't tell me this is actually a surprise for you. You've seen me when I'm in love with someone."
He doesn't say who, and Jensen hates noticing that.
They should probably talk, sometime soon, about--what the fuck is wrong with them.
Jensen always swore Jared was too good to let go of; he really shouldn't have fucked that one up.
*
Danneel calls about an hour in to Power Play, which Jensen hasn't actually seen before, but it has thermonuclear disasters and unrealistically attractive physicists, so it works for a breakup movie. Jared mutes it and lets Jensen pick up.
"Jared broke up with his boyfriend," Danneel tells him.
Immediately, Jensen thinks this is not a conversation he should have with Jared in the room.
"Why are you telling me this?" he asks, when he gets to the kitchen. He hears the movie restart distantly.
"Because I'm pretty much your fairy godmother these days. You guys suck, and you don't hate each other, so suck it up and be friends again so you stop fucking up every other part of your lives."
"Jared's fine," Jensen protests immediately, because, okay, yes, Jensen is a total fuckup right now, but Jared isn't. And even if he is, Jensen doesn't subscribe to the belief that they are each other's completion or some shit. Which seems to be Danneel's message.
Danneel ignores him. "I know you're not fighting over me. So whatever you're fighting over, quit it, because it's not worth it."
Jensen sometimes hates Danneel, because she's totally right.
*
Danneel blames herself a little.
She mostly doesn't, because when she slept with Jared, he and Jensen hadn't spoken in two years, so it's not really her fault that they stopped talking, just that Jensen got fucking paranoid about his personal life.
She didn't plan to sleep with Jared, really, but she'd called him up in Vancouver and asked him to go to a bar, so she knew that sleeping with him was a possibility.
She figured Jared and Jensen's weird relationship issues weren't her problem. Jared was hot, she was hot, and neither of them talked to Jensen anymore, so what the fuck ever.
And now she thinks, well, they're both dating guys, they're both clearly obsessed with each other, so they should really just fuck each other and save everyone else their massive issues.
So, yeah, she doesn't blame herself, but she calls Jensen anyway. She's the only person involved in this entire mess who isn't a broken shell of a human being. No one else is going to do it.
"Have you thought about asking him out?" she asks.
"You want me to ask out my best friend who I haven't talked to for six years?"
"Yeah," she says. "Why not?"
"I don't date anymore, and I don't date my best friend I haven't talked to in six years, and you're nuts."
"I'm not nuts, you're an idiot."
"Yeah," Jensen agrees. "I gotta go, Steve's making faces at me."
"Think about it," says Danneel.
"Yeah," says Jensen. "Bye."
She still loves him, is the fucking kicker. Not like she wants to marry him, but like she wants him to be happy, wants the best for him, even though he's kind of a douchebag sometimes, and even though he broke her heart with a proposal that just didn't sound like he meant it. That sounded like he thought it was what he was supposed to do, not what he wanted.
Maybe she's a little more fucked over by him than she'd like to think.
She hesitates for only a minute before she speed-dials Fred.
"Hey," he says, picking up on the the first ring, unselfconscious about wanting to talk to her. "What's up?"
"Just wanted to talk to you," she says, and she smiles suddenly, amazed by how much better she feels just hearing his voice.
It's nice to feel like that again.
*
They're sitting on the couch watching football when Jensen screws up his courage and says, "We need to have a fight."
Jared raises his eyebrows. "What's my motivation? You leaving the toiletseat up?"
Jensen doesn't take the bait. "We've been fighting for six years and we never actually fought. So let's get it over with."
Jared lets out a breath. "Okay. Sorry I slept with your ex-girlfriend. That was shitty."
"That was never really our problem."
"You're right," says Jared. He looks straight at Jensen, eyes steady. "I'm not sorry I kissed you. I'm sorry it fucked everything up, but not for doing it."
Jensen looks away first. Maybe Jared doesn't look away at all. "You had a girlfriend. I had a girlfriend."
"I know. Man, Jensen, all you had to say was that. Say, sorry, not interested, I've got Danneel. You know I loved her. I didn't--I wasn't trying to break you two up. I didn't want to."
Jensen swallows. "I wanted to marry her someday. Just--after that it felt like I had to pick."
"Could've said that, dumbass," says Jared, but it's fond.
"It's not that I didn't want you," Jensen makes himself say. "It's that I already had her.''
There's a pause. "So if you didn't?"
"Have her?" Jensen asks.
"Yeah."
Jensen thinks about paparazzi and scandals and how hard it can be to get work when you're out.
All the stuff he tells himself to convince himself he's happier like this.
"If I didn't," he says, "I would have said yes."
And then suddenly Jared's hand is on his jaw, getting his face tilted up, and Jared's lips are against his, and Jensen kisses back as easy as breathing.
"If you're gonna say no," Jared says into his mouth, "say it now."
Jensen fists his hands in Jared's shirt and pulls him closer and keeps kissing.
Part three
Jensen shifts from one foot to the other outside Jared's door. It's a nice house; very normal, ordinary. He feels overly large and conspicuous in Ithaca; it's smaller than LA, smaller than Vancouver, even smaller than Richardson. He's not a huge star, and he knows it, but he still feels recognizable and exposed. If Jared kicks him out, he's got nowhere to go. He doesn't know anyone else here.
But he hasn't got a choice.
He knocks.
The door opens a few minutes later, and Jensen--Jensen just stares.
He hasn't seen Jared Padalecki in person in six years. He knows if he thought about it, he could get it down to a matter of months, days, maybe even hours, maybe even small divisions. But that's over now, because Jared's in front of him.
He's still tall, but he's not quite as large as he used to be. He's still in-shape, definitely, but he clearly can't bench as much as once did, probably doesn't have as much reason to work out.
He's staring back at Jensen, and Jensen wonders what changes matter to him; if he cares that Jensen's more ripped than he used to be, if he cares that Jensen's hair is a little gray at the temples.
"Hi," he manages, and raises one hand, an almost wave, pulling one side of his mouth up so he's almost smiling.
"Jesus," Jared breathes, and then he grins, and then he's hugging Jensen, pulling him up off the ground a little. "Hi," he says.
"Dude," says Jensen, hugging back as best he can with his arms crushed to his sides. "Air."
Jared puts him on the ground and lets go. "Jesus," he repeats. Then, his face changes, gets more serious. "What are you doing here?"
Jensen rubs the back of his neck. "Uh. We should--go inside?" he suggests.
"Yeah," Jared shakes his head. "Yeah, come in."
Jensen steps in and looks around the hallway. He can see pictures of Jared's family, his parents, his brother and sister and their kids, Jared's coat, shoes. The bare fragments of Jared's life.
"I'm, uh," he says. Jensen really wishes he could tell Jared he just wanted to see him, because it would almost be true. But that's not why he's here. "I need a place to stay."
Jared raises his eyebrows. "In Ithaca?"
"Someone's stalking me," says Jensen in a rush.
Jared blinks. "What?"
"I dunno, it's--"
Jared grabs his arm. "C'mon, let's sit down. You can tell me--whatever."
Jared gets him situated in the living room and brings him a glass of ice tea--not beer, Jensen thinks, wondering if Jared's ever given him a non-alcoholic drink before--and then sits down across from him, all concern.
Just like old times.
"You get invited to Cassidy's party?"
"Yeah, why?"
"I went to that," he says. "And the next day, I got this call. Unknown number, hung up as soon as I said hi. I figured I just gave my number to one of those girls from that stupid 90210 remake and she realized I wasn't--whoever," he says. The tea is cool and tastes like home. "But it kept happening. Got to be longer before they hung up. It freaked me out. So I changed my number."
"Yeah," says Jared. "I got the e-mail."
Jensen nods. He wonders if Jared thinks it's weird that Jensen sent it. Of course, Jared sent his new address years ago. That's how Jensen knew where to find him. "I wasn't sure," he says. "That's why I didn't call."
"Yeah," says Jared again, and Jensen's pretty sure he knows the other reasons Jensen didn't call too. Jared always knew better than Jensen did what Jensen meant when he talked. "So...?"
"So I just sent that number to people I knew. And, uh, the calls didn't stop. Started coming to my house."
"Jesus," says Jared. "Creepy."
"Letters too. And yesterday one with no postmark, no address, and--man, I couldn't stay there."
"I don't blame you," says Jared. He leans back on the couch, staring up at the ceiling. His neck isn't as tan as it used to be, but it's taut and Jensen can see his Adam's apple bob as he swallows. "God. Did you call the police?"
"After the first letter, yeah. They're on it, I guess."
"And they told you to leave?"
"I wanted to. I couldn't--"
"Yeah," says Jared. He speaks again after a break, too casually. "And I guess no one'll look for you here."
"Jared," he says. "Man, that's not--I mean, I thought about that, yeah, but--"
Jared waves his hand. "Hey, it's kind of lucky, right? Works out."
"Ja--"
"Come on," says Jared, standing up. "I'll give you the grand tour."
Jensen could smack himself. But he doesn't. He just follows Jared into the house.
*
Jensen is right behind him, and Jared almost can't breathe.
He's kept up with Jensen, of course--watches his show every week, sees his movies, everything. Because he's still proud of Jensen.
He's still--nothing's changed for Jared. He didn't stop seeing Jensen at the end of Supernatural because he didn't like him.
But it's hard to take your best friend drunkenly making out with you and proposing to his girlfriend a week later as anything other than a rejection.
And sleeping with said girlfriend two years later certainly hadn't helped.
Jared takes a breath. "So this is the hallway."
"You don't say," says Jensen. He's closer than Jared realized.
"Don't be a jerk," says Jared. "This is the kitchen in here, where I cook my awesome meals."
"I remember your awesome meals. I've got some doubts about that one."
"You loved my cooking."
"Rice doesn't crunch, Jared."
"Awesome rice does."
"Uh huh."
It scares Jared, a little, how easy it is to fall back into being with Jensen. How familiar he is, after six fucking years.
"This is the study."
Jensen pokes around, looking at things. "You grade a lot."
"I give a lot of quizzes."
Jensen looks up, a smile playing around his lips. "I bet you're a total hardass, aren't you."
"Total."
Jensen looks back at the books, takes a deep breath. "I missed you," he says.
"Jensen--"
"I meant to--" he laughs. "Everybody's been telling me to call you for years. And I--kind of suck."
"Yeah," Jared agrees. "But I suck too. Want to see upstairs? I can show you your room."
"My room?"
Jared flushes. "The guest room," he says. "I kind of--you need a place to stay, right?"
"Yeah. I--thanks. For, you know."
"Everything?" asks Jared, smiling a little.
"Not being a jerk."
"Eh, it got old," says Jared. "I figure we can try something else for a change."
They're on their way up the stairs when the door opens, and Greg calls, "Hey!"
Jensen freezes.
Jared shoves him lightly. "First door on the left," he whispers. Then, loudly, "Hey, Greg!"
"Shouldn't I--"
"Let me explain first," says Jared. He tromps down the stairs. "What's up?"
"I wanted to apologize," says Greg. "Look, I knew you weren't--I know this isn't a thing for you. Not a long-term thing. I knew that coming in and I shouldn't--"
"Don't apologize," says Jared. "This isn't you. But, um. Now really isn't the best time. I--"
"Hi," says Jensen brightly, from behind him. Jared kind of wants to punch him. "I don't think we've met."
His voice is friendly and casual, more cheerful than he usually is. It's the voice he uses when he's meeting people as an actor, not as another person.
Greg's jaw drops. "Holy shit."
"You must be Greg," Jensen continues.
"Yeah. I'm, uh. I. I love your show."
Jensen grins. "Thanks, that's nice of you to say."
"What are--Jared, why--"
"Jensen's visiting for a couple weeks," says Jared, slinging an arm over Jensen's shoulder. The motion is as familiar as breathing. "He's got a hiatus."
"Oh," says Greg. "Yeah, of course, I guess he would--I thought you guys were--"
"I was an asshole," says Jensen. "Jared's giving me a chance to make it up to him."
"Oh."
"I was just trying to get him settled," says Jared. "You want to put your stuff upstairs, Jensen?"
"Sure. Nice to meet you, Greg."
"Yeah," Greg echoes.
Jensen takes off upstairs and Jared might kick his ass later. "I didn't know he was coming," Jared says quickly. "You can't tell anybody."
"What?" asks Greg. He's still looking dazed; Jared doesn't blame him. He's not sure there's a gay guy alive who doesn't have a little crush on Jensen.
"He's--no one knows he's here. That needs to stay true."
"I would--I wouldn't ever--"
"I know," says Jared quickly. "Just gotta say it."
"I thought you guys didn't get along."
"No," says Jared. "We've always gotten along. I just slept with his ex-girlfriend."
Greg nods. "I, um. I guess I should go?"
"Yeah, probably. He really--he just got here. But I'll call you later."
"Okay."
He kisses Greg quickly and wishes he wasn't still thinking about Jensen when he did it. As soon as the car turns on outside, Jared heads up the stairs. He finds Jensen sitting on the guest bed, looking down at his hands with an intensity he can't quite interpret.
It's been too long, apparently.
"You shouldn't have come down."
"Why, so you could lie to your boyfriend?"
"Isn't the point of coming here being, you know, in hiding? No one's supposed to know!"
"He's your boyfriend. I assume he visits. I'm not going to ask you to break up with him to keep me secret, man."
Jared glares. "We could have come up with a plan."
"Maybe I wanted to meet him. See if he's good enough for you, you know."
Jared huffs out a laugh. "You're such a bastard."
"I've been told."
*
Jared cooks, and Jensen sits in the kitchen and tells him about how Aldis and Chris pranked him at the end of filming with a scarily realistic goat mask. Jared laughs as he cooks, full-bodied guffaws that Jensen's missed so much he can't articulate it.
It's so normal it's actually eerie. Something's got to break.
"Will--he teaches chem--he's the senior class adviser so they keep putting random shit in his room. Last week it was chickens."
"Chickens?"
"Hey, I just teach them, I don't understand them."
"Like hell, man, you're basically a middle schooler."
"Shut up."
Jensen laughs. "It seems like it's working for you."
"What?"
"Everything. Your life."
"Yeah, I am currently alive."
"You know what I mean. I always thought you were good with acting, but--you seem happy."
"You know me, Jensen," he says with a smile. "I'm always happy."
Jensen snorts. "Sure."
"What about you?"
"Everybody in the fucking world knows I'm not happy," says Jensen.
"Yeah, but you could be. You've gotta--you could stop being an asshole, you know."
"I am," says Jensen. "Did I say I'm sorry?"
"Yeah, and I told you not to. I was just as much of a jerk as you. I fucked your ex-girlfriend."
"Yeah, but in your defense, my ex-girlfriend is really hot."
Jared lets out a surprised laugh. "You're right, she really is."
Jensen smiles at the table and Jared clears his throat.
"So--stalker."
"Or something, I guess. I--it's so creepy."
"Yeah, I bet. You always did attract the crazies."
"Ha ha. I'm so glad I came to stay with you. Mike would've been more sympathetic."
"Like hell. Should've gone to Tahiti, Misha would've taken you in. Shown you the sights."
"No one had that number I didn't send it to. No one knew I'd left my house I didn't tell."
Jared hadn't gotten the e-mail about Jensen moving out until after he arrived, and Jensen had clarified the timeline for him a little, but he still--he doesn't fucking know anything.
"Not a lot of people know your address either," Jared points out.
"Would you believe that was less scary?"
"Why?" asks Jared. He sets a plate of pasta down in front of Jensen. It looks completely edible; Jensen is honestly surprised.
"You can probably find that on the internet or something; that's--creepy as hell, but I get how it happens. The other stuff--I told my friends. So what the hell does that say about who I can trust?"
Jared nods, digging in to his food. "I guess I get it. But, I dunno. There's gotta be something else, right? Something you're missing. Because--I know most of the people you tell your number to, and I really don't think any of them are stalking you."
"At first I thought it was Mike," he admits.
"Mike?"
"As a joke," he clarifies quickly. "But the first call--he was there," he says, blushing. He's never mentioned to Jared the habit he has of sometimes fucking Mike Rosenbaum. Not just because he hasn't talked to Jared since it started happening. He isn't sure he's ready to address the fact that both their preferences have shifted to men.
Actually, he knows he isn't ready.
"I told him it might be a creepy stalker, he thought it was funny," Jensen explains.
"Sounds more plausible than I'd like," says Jared, nodding.
Jensen finally starts in on his dinner, is still pretty surprised to find it edible. He tells Jared as much.
"Fuck you."
"You're such a crappy host."
"I know, I know." Jared taps his chin. "Rosenbaum wouldn't send you notes."
"Definitely not."
"Are the two of you . . . ?"
Jensen shrugs uncomfortably. "We hook up sometimes. Nothing serious."
"Not like I'm judging. Just from what I heard, you might as well have joined a monastery."
"I tried," says Jensen easily, "but they weren't willing to work around my filming commitments."
Jared laughs. Jensen missed making Jared Padalecki laugh. "You'd look hot with that haircut, though. Bald on top? Chicks dig it."
"Yeah, I hear robes and bowlcuts are making a real comeback."
Jared laughs and shakes his head. "It's really good to have you here, you know? Good to see you."
Jensen swallows. "Yeah. I know."
*
Jared drags himself downstairs to the smell of coffee already brewing. He doesn't remember it's Jensen and not Greg who started the pot until he gets to the kitchen and Jensen is there.
"Hey," says Jensen, with an awkward half-wave like the one when he first saw Jared. "I made coffee. I didn't want to try anything else in case I burned down your house or something."
Jared laughs. "Since when do you wake up before me?"
"Since my mom called me in a panic. Guess my 'I'm okay' e-mail didn't really come across like I thought."
"What a shocker," says Jared. He pours himself coffee; it's weirdly familiar, sitting in the kitchen together first thing in the morning, getting their caffeine fix. They've done this before, a thousand times, last time they lived together.
"You saying I'm not smooth?"
"Me, man? Never." He throws a grin over his shoulder as he checks out the fridge. "Eggs sound good?"
"Works for me, yeah." He takes a seat at the table, takes another swig of coffee. "You don't have a dog."
Jared swallows. "No, I don't."
"Sorry. I was just--I figured you'd always have one."
He shakes his head. "I haven't--hasn't been the right time. Greg keeps saying we should get one, and if I get one now, it'll be like--"
"Like you're getting a dog with him."
"Yeah."
"You think it's too soon?"
"I think it might always be too soon." He refuses to look at Jensen for a reaction to that.
"You guys have been dating for a while, right?"
"About a year."
"But you're not?"
From anyone else, it wouldn't be a question, but he knows exactly what Jensen means. "I'm not serious about him."
"He's serious about you."
"Yeah."
"Sorry. That's--awkward as hell, actually."
That startles another laugh out of Jared. "Been there?"
"I've been having nothing but casual sex for like five years. I live there."
"Must be hard, being so pretty, having so many people want you."
"Shut up."
Jensen's phone rings as Jared laughs, and Jensen smiles as he checks the caller ID and picks up. "Hey, Chris."
Jared fools around with the eggs, shamelessly eavesdropping. If Jensen doesn't want him to hear, he'll leave the room. Simple as that.
"No, I'm not in the hotel. Yeah, I took off." Jensen laughs. "No, it's a secret. Not from you, from everybody. Yes, Maria knows I'm gone. But nobody knows where I am." Another laugh. "Yeah, I'm in Tijuana. Bodyshots."
Jared holds in a snort at that one.
"Yeah, you know I'm always thinking of you, baby," Jensen shoots back, but he sobers quickly. "Yeah, honestly, I'm fine. I just--I really need a break. From the world. Nothing personal, I swear." He smiles. "Yeah, jerkface, I'll call you."
Jared grins as Jensen hangs up. "You know, I miss that guy sometimes."
"You could always visit," says Jensen.
"Now I could, yeah."
Jensen smirks, but the cockiness is fake. "Don't tell me I was keeping you away."
"No offense Ackles, but when you're awkward? You're awkward."
"Like you weren't."
Like we're not, Jared thinks. Because--this isn't better.
The fact of the matter is, six years ago, Jared kissed Jensen, and Jensen kissed him back. Six years ago they made out slow on Jared's couch, half an hour of lips and tongues and hands on each other's faces, nothing so fleeting either of them could pretend it was a mistake.
But they'd never talked about it, not once, and Jensen proposed to his girlfriend a week later, and even though she turned him down, they still never talked about it.
"This is good," says Jensen. "Can't believe you learned to cook."
"I'm a highly functional adult," Jared protests.
"Never thought I'd see the day."
Even as it feels the same as always, Jared can't help thinking that everything between them is new and fragile. Dangerous, almost.
He doesn't say I didn't think you would either.
He smiles and eats breakfast, legs not touching Jensen's under the table.
*
They fall into a routine, which Jared didn't see coming, somehow. Even though they're easy together and always have been, it seemed impossible to think that after six years they'd just fall back together like nothing. Especially with Jensen having a stalker. But when Jared comes home from work there's food cooking, and when Jensen wakes up there's coffee made, and it's as nice as it always had been. Nights, they sit side by side on the couch, Jared making up or grading quizzes, Jensen reading through a pile of scripts he brought with him.
It's sickeningly domestic and comfortable.
Jensen stretches and cracks his neck Wednesday night. "Any bad kid stories today?" he asks.
"I caught Miles and Wendy making out in the gym."
"Behind the bleachers?"
"No."
"Kids got no sense of tradition."
"I know. Any news from the police?"
"Nothing. No leads."
"How many calls?"
"None."
"So--nothing since you got here, right?"
"Owen told Olivia what's happening, she's been checking my mail. Two more letters."
"Is that good or bad?"
"I'm not sure. I guess it's good they're not coming here."
"No one except you and your boyfriend know I'm here. Speaking of which," Jensen glances over, "haven't seen your boyfriend."
"It's the school week. We're busy."
"You seriously telling me you wouldn't be seeing him if I wasn't here?"
"I didn't tell him not to come or anything," says Jared.
It's true; he hasn't really talked to Greg much one way or the other since Jensen showed up. Things were awkward enough before Jared started living with his best friend in the world again, and now it just seems like everything is going to end up fucked beyond recognition. Jared doesn't really want to have a conversation with Greg about anything right now, and Greg's the kind of guy who likes talking about stuff.
"You could tell him to come," Jensen says. "I'm not going to be pissed or anything."
Jared shrugs. "We'll probably go out this weekend. Which reminds me, you ever gonna go out?"
"On dates?"
"Of the apartment."
"What part of 'in hiding' do you not get, Jared?"
"The part where you go stir-crazy and try to kill me in my sleep."
"I went into the backyard to read the other day."
"For a TV star, you have the saddest life I have ever heard of."
"I do not," Jensen grumbles. "You still hang out with Chad Michael Murray."
"Not often," says Jared, but it's true, he does. And Chad's life is on the sad side.
"It's kind of nice," says Jensen. "Relaxing."
"Cuz you're not a homebody all the time."
The first two years after Supernatural, Jensen went out, partied, hooked up. It seems cosmically unfair that Jensen should have gotten like this, so introverted and unhappy, because of something Jared did, because of Jared and Danneel and the shitstorm that followed with Danneel being a rising star. She's still called a whore for sleeping with her ex's best friend, and he's still congratulated by high school boys who think she's hot, and Jensen wasn't involved at all and his name still gets dragged out because he's so heartbroken.
Having actually spoken to Jensen now, Jared's pretty sure he just can't be bothered to have relationships anymore.
"I've got Chris and Steve."
"Yeah, you guys have a winning non-sexual threesome going on."
"I hate you," says Jensen. His phone rings. "Fuck, shit."
"What?"
"Unknown caller."
"You think it's the guy?"
"Who else is it gonna be?"
"An unknown caller, I guess," says Jared.
Jensen picks up. "Hello?" Jensen's face falls farther. "Hello?" He hangs up.
"Sorry," says Jared. What do you say to that? He thinks it could be worse, but it's worse because there's nothing Jensen can do. There's no one to track down. There are no clues.
"Thanks," says Jensen. "You--I'm glad I'm staying with you. Glad you're letting me."
"Yeah, I'm definitely the kind of guy who turns his best friend out on the streets."
It's the first time either of them has said that, has acknowledged that they were best friends.
That they are best friends.
Jensen laughs, relieved. "Yeah, you've always been that guy. Remember season four when you totally wouldn't let me live with you?"
"Yeah, that was a real jerk move."
"Well, you're a real jerk."
Jared knocks his knee against Jensen's.
If he's honest, he hasn't thought about calling Greg once.
*
"You think I should call him?"
Muriel rolls her eyes. "I think you should break up with him."
Greg stares. "What? You like Jared."
"Jared's a great guy, but he's not looking for what you are. If you had a friend over, you wouldn't not call him for five days, would you?"
Greg hadn't actually told Muriel who Jared's friend was, because Jared had made him promise, but that does make a difference. He thinks that it's different because Jensen Ackles is Jared's best friend and has been forever, and because when Jared looks at Jensen he looks happier to see him than he ever has when he sees Greg.
"No, I wouldn't."
"Look," says Muriel, patting his knee, "I love you, and I love Jared, but I don't think I can get to loving you and Jared together."
Greg leans his head back against the brick of the school. He thinks about Jensen Ackles, who's probably the most attractive person he's ever seen in real life, and Jared, whom he--
"What if I love Jared?" he asks softly.
Muriel gives him a look, all sadness, like he knew she would. "I was hoping you didn't."
"Yeah," says Greg, "I know."
*
Jared gets home from school and tosses his coat on the sofa with a long sigh.
"Rough day at work, honey?" asks Jensen. He pretends not to notice the brief tension that stiffens Jared's back. He guesses they aren't back at the level where acting like they're married is okay.
"The usual."
Jensen looks down at his hands. He doesn't think he should ask yet, but it's been driving him nuts since he got here--longer than that, honestly. Whenever he thought of it, on and off, for years. "You like it?"
Jared pauses in loosening his tie. "Like what?"
"This," says Jensen, with an expansive motion. "I dunno, man, I figured if one of us was gonna be living the big Hollywood dream, it'd be you."
Jared raises his eyebrows. "From what I hear, neither of us is living the big Hollywood dream."
Jensen doesn't take the bait. "You had it, Jared. You could've."
Jared goes into the kitchen, so Jensen can't see him anymore. "I didn't want to anymore."
"You wanted to marry Gen," Jensen says. He's never been sure if this is true--he's always worried that Jared was just pissed at him for--whatever happened.
Jensen still isn't sure.
Jared laughs hollowly. "I wanted to try something else. I didn't have a lot of other options."
"You had all the options in the world, dumbass. How do you end up thinking all you can do is propose to a girl and become a physics teacher or keep on being an actor?"
"I didn't plan on physics teacher. It just happened."
"You're a good actor, you know that?"
Jared's head sticks out of the kitchen, looking surprised. "I know that, yeah. Why?"
"Thought I might have driven you out of the business with my awesome. You know, felt like you weren't good enough."
Jared snorts. "Yeah, that was exactly it."
"It wasn't me, though," says Jensen. He doesn't make it a question, because he doesn't want Jared to say he's wrong.
Jared goes back in to the kitchen. "Nah, man, not you."
*
Greg calls on Friday night, while Jensen and Jared are watching Fired Up. Jensen had mocked Jared mercilessly for the fact that he owned Fired Up, which Jared can't really fault him for, but they'd agreed that the whole thing was fairly hilarious, and that they were loser enough to spend their Friday night watching a movie where a woman they'd both slept with pretended to be a lesbian.
"It's Greg," Jared says when his phone rings.
"You guys work together," says Jensen. "How have you not talked?"
"We've talked!" Jared protests. "But it's not like either of us is out at school so we can't--we don't talk about our relationship there at all."
"Isn't that weird?" asks Jensen.
"All parts of this are weird," Jared mutters. "Hey, Greg!"
"Thought you might've forgotten my name," says Greg. He sounds like he might be drunk.
Jared stands up, presses play on the DVD and makes shooing motions when Jensen protests. This is going to be a long, bad, conversation. Jensen should at least be amused during it.
Jared heads upstairs into his room and shuts the door. "I didn't forget, I've been--I haven't seen Jensen in six years. We've been catching up."
It's not strictly true. Jensen knows what Jared's been up to because Donna calls every month, and Jared knows what Jensen's been up to because he's got newspapers and Danneel and Misha and Jim and everyone else. There's not a lot to catch up on. Mostly they've been skirting around why they stopped being friends, and Jared thinks that's just because there isn't a good reason. Even some serious necking shouldn't have screwed them up.
If Jensen had just married Danneel, they'd probably be fine. None of this would have happened.
"If I was catching up, I would have called."
"It's complicated. We're--"
"You like him better."
Jared blinks. It's--it's true, is the problem. Jared likes Jensen better than pretty much anyone else in the world.
"He's my best friend."
"I'm your boyfriend. Except I don't--I think maybe I shouldn't be."
"Because of Jensen?"
"Because you don't want to come to my sister's wedding and you don't want to meet my parents and you don't love me!"
It's not something that Greg should be saying over the phone, and it should worry Jared that it's something he wants to say at all. Jared should tell him that's not true.
But it is.
And it's pretty much because of Jensen, too.
"I'm sorry," says Jared. "I--I never wanted to--I didn't mean to. I'm just not the guy you want."
Greg laughs, laughs hard and long, like Jared has just said the most hilarious thing he's ever heard. "That's it exactly," he manages finally. "You're not what I want. That's our whole problem right there."
Jared swallows. "Greg--"
"Bye, Jared."
The phone goes dead and Jared falls back on the bed, lets out a long sigh. He wants to feel bad because he hurt Greg, but he just feels kind of relieved.
He calls Danneel; he doesn't think he can talk to Chad about it yet, and he wants to talk to someone before he sees Jensen. If for no other reason than to pretend the conversation with Greg was longer. So Jensen will think he put up more of a fight.
Danneel's out somewhere--Jared can hear music in the background.
"Hey, Jared!" she shouts. "What's up?"
"You busy?" he asks.
"For you? Never!" There's a pause, and the din lessens as she closes a door. "What's up?"
"My boyfriend broke up with me."
"Am I sad for you?" she asks.
"You're sad for him. I'm a shitty boyfriend."
He hears her suck a breath in; she's smoking.
"You know you're a bad influence on the youth of today, right?"
"I know. Was it Jensen?"
"Why does everyone always think it's Jensen?"
"Maybe because it's been six years since either of you had a functional relationship."
"So that means we fucked each other up?"
"You saying I'm wrong?"
He used to. But his boyfriend just broke up with him, and he doesn't even care, because Jensen is here.
"No," he says. "We definitely fucked each other up. Why didn't you just marry him?"
"Because he's gay now," she says.
"Maybe he wouldn't be."
"It was a really bad proposal," Danneel tells him. "I was waiting for it--three years, you know? And he was always a good boyfriend. But he half-assed that, and--" she laughs, and Jared feels shittier for this than he does about Greg. Shittier because she sounds so pained remembering it, and he knows why Jensen proposed, and why he sucked at it. "I don't want to marry a guy who half-asses stuff for me."
"He loved you," Jared offers.
"Yeah," she agrees. "But still."
"Thanks," he says.
He doesn't tell her Jensen is there. It feels like he's lying to her.
*
Jared comes down the stairs slowly, and Jensen pauses the DVD as soon as he hears it.
"Going out?" he asks.
Jared laughs. "No, man. Not anymore."
"What?"
"We broke up."
"What--Jesus! Do you have, I dunno, booze? Something? I haven't had to do this in a while."
Jared laughs. "What, none of your friends break up anymore?"
"Not in a while."
"Glad to remind you, I guess."
"Seriously, do we need to get drunk til you feel better?"
The last time they got drunk, they made out.
From the way Jared stares for just a beat too long, he knows that too.
"Let's just switch to something with lots of explosions," Jared says, too casually.
"You don't want to talk about it or anything?"
"You can't tell me this is actually a surprise for you. You've seen me when I'm in love with someone."
He doesn't say who, and Jensen hates noticing that.
They should probably talk, sometime soon, about--what the fuck is wrong with them.
Jensen always swore Jared was too good to let go of; he really shouldn't have fucked that one up.
*
Danneel calls about an hour in to Power Play, which Jensen hasn't actually seen before, but it has thermonuclear disasters and unrealistically attractive physicists, so it works for a breakup movie. Jared mutes it and lets Jensen pick up.
"Jared broke up with his boyfriend," Danneel tells him.
Immediately, Jensen thinks this is not a conversation he should have with Jared in the room.
"Why are you telling me this?" he asks, when he gets to the kitchen. He hears the movie restart distantly.
"Because I'm pretty much your fairy godmother these days. You guys suck, and you don't hate each other, so suck it up and be friends again so you stop fucking up every other part of your lives."
"Jared's fine," Jensen protests immediately, because, okay, yes, Jensen is a total fuckup right now, but Jared isn't. And even if he is, Jensen doesn't subscribe to the belief that they are each other's completion or some shit. Which seems to be Danneel's message.
Danneel ignores him. "I know you're not fighting over me. So whatever you're fighting over, quit it, because it's not worth it."
Jensen sometimes hates Danneel, because she's totally right.
*
Danneel blames herself a little.
She mostly doesn't, because when she slept with Jared, he and Jensen hadn't spoken in two years, so it's not really her fault that they stopped talking, just that Jensen got fucking paranoid about his personal life.
She didn't plan to sleep with Jared, really, but she'd called him up in Vancouver and asked him to go to a bar, so she knew that sleeping with him was a possibility.
She figured Jared and Jensen's weird relationship issues weren't her problem. Jared was hot, she was hot, and neither of them talked to Jensen anymore, so what the fuck ever.
And now she thinks, well, they're both dating guys, they're both clearly obsessed with each other, so they should really just fuck each other and save everyone else their massive issues.
So, yeah, she doesn't blame herself, but she calls Jensen anyway. She's the only person involved in this entire mess who isn't a broken shell of a human being. No one else is going to do it.
"Have you thought about asking him out?" she asks.
"You want me to ask out my best friend who I haven't talked to for six years?"
"Yeah," she says. "Why not?"
"I don't date anymore, and I don't date my best friend I haven't talked to in six years, and you're nuts."
"I'm not nuts, you're an idiot."
"Yeah," Jensen agrees. "I gotta go, Steve's making faces at me."
"Think about it," says Danneel.
"Yeah," says Jensen. "Bye."
She still loves him, is the fucking kicker. Not like she wants to marry him, but like she wants him to be happy, wants the best for him, even though he's kind of a douchebag sometimes, and even though he broke her heart with a proposal that just didn't sound like he meant it. That sounded like he thought it was what he was supposed to do, not what he wanted.
Maybe she's a little more fucked over by him than she'd like to think.
She hesitates for only a minute before she speed-dials Fred.
"Hey," he says, picking up on the the first ring, unselfconscious about wanting to talk to her. "What's up?"
"Just wanted to talk to you," she says, and she smiles suddenly, amazed by how much better she feels just hearing his voice.
It's nice to feel like that again.
*
They're sitting on the couch watching football when Jensen screws up his courage and says, "We need to have a fight."
Jared raises his eyebrows. "What's my motivation? You leaving the toiletseat up?"
Jensen doesn't take the bait. "We've been fighting for six years and we never actually fought. So let's get it over with."
Jared lets out a breath. "Okay. Sorry I slept with your ex-girlfriend. That was shitty."
"That was never really our problem."
"You're right," says Jared. He looks straight at Jensen, eyes steady. "I'm not sorry I kissed you. I'm sorry it fucked everything up, but not for doing it."
Jensen looks away first. Maybe Jared doesn't look away at all. "You had a girlfriend. I had a girlfriend."
"I know. Man, Jensen, all you had to say was that. Say, sorry, not interested, I've got Danneel. You know I loved her. I didn't--I wasn't trying to break you two up. I didn't want to."
Jensen swallows. "I wanted to marry her someday. Just--after that it felt like I had to pick."
"Could've said that, dumbass," says Jared, but it's fond.
"It's not that I didn't want you," Jensen makes himself say. "It's that I already had her.''
There's a pause. "So if you didn't?"
"Have her?" Jensen asks.
"Yeah."
Jensen thinks about paparazzi and scandals and how hard it can be to get work when you're out.
All the stuff he tells himself to convince himself he's happier like this.
"If I didn't," he says, "I would have said yes."
And then suddenly Jared's hand is on his jaw, getting his face tilted up, and Jared's lips are against his, and Jensen kisses back as easy as breathing.
"If you're gonna say no," Jared says into his mouth, "say it now."
Jensen fists his hands in Jared's shirt and pulls him closer and keeps kissing.
Part three
