(no subject)

[longsufferingly]

Title: He Comes to Save the Day
Author: chash
Fandom: Supernatural RPS
Pairing: Jared Padalecki/Jensen Ackles
Rating: R
Warnings: ...crazy superhero hooker Jared.
Word Count: 2100.
Summary: Jared is really just an old-fashioned boy out to save the world. With lapdances. Featuring confused Jensen, helpful Chris, receptionist Chad, and pimp Misha.
Notes: I blame lazy_daze and her posts about hooker Jared. I was like I WOULD LIKE TO WRITE SOME HOT HOOKER JARED PORN. But then I wrote this. Which is. What it is.
Disclaimer: Lies and untruths.


There are a lot of heroes in the world.

Superman, Batman, Spider-Man. Okay, maybe those aren't real heroes in the world so much as fictional characters, but that doesn't mean they aren't role models. Jared still thinks that they set an important example, being out there, doing good.

Jared wants to be that same kind of person. Jared wants to do good.

If he does it in an unconventional way, well, who cares?

*

"Yo yo yo, bitch, this is the Chaddinator. How may I direct your call?"

Chris has been warned about this guy. He's prepared. "My friend, yeah? He's got finals coming up. He needs some relaxin', if you know what I mean."

"Can you get him to a bar?" asks the Chaddinator.

Chris snorts. "I wish, dude."

"All right. I'm gonna send you the Jay-man."

"He's good?"

"He's the best. Just gimme a time, a place, and a room key."

"A room key?"

"The Jay-man has his own personal style."

*

Jensen is studying. He's studying hard. His brain might start leaking out his ears if he's not careful. He groans and rubs his temples, leaning back.

Then his door bursts open.

He expects Chris, but when he spins his chair around it's--well, it's a giant guy wearing:

1. a belly shirt with a big J in the center, in the style of a Superman-S
2. hot pants
3. a cape
4. a mask

"Uh," says Jensen.

"WHO WANTS A LAPDANCE?" says the guy.

"What the fuck," says Jensen.

"I'm the Jay-Man, here to fulfill your every desire. Personally, I like starting with a lapdance, but I'm clearly easy."

"So, you're . . . what, a superhero prostitute?"

"Pretty much," says the Jay-Man. "I'm selling my ass for the greater good. Now, how about that lapdance?"

*

The worst part of the whole experience (and, Jensen thinks, that is saying a lot, given this experience involved a hooker dressed as a superhero whom his friends hired for him because they were depressed about his recent dry spell) is that, by the time it was over, he kind of liked Jared. Once he was out of the bizarre spandex he was really hot, and as he was getting dressed they'd chatted a little.

"I didn't get your name," Jared said.

"Jensen. And you're--the Jay-Man?"

Jared grinned. "Jared. The Jay-Man is my working name."

Jared was pretty sure hooker names are supposed to be hotter than real names, but he didn't comment on it. "Well, uh, thanks? I needed that."

"That's what I'm here for, man. Saving the world, one handjob at a time."

It was an uncomfortable reminder that Jared was here because he was paid to be, that this was what he did. His occupation was running around in hot pants and talking about how he was coming to save the day. Which was the worst pun in the world, and Jensen wished he'd never heard it.

And then Jared had taken off and Jensen was left feeling unhappily interested in him.

Jesus, he really does have issues.

*

"God, he was hot," says Jared, sighing.

Chad clucks his tongue. "Jay, man, come on. What happened to your ass being for the greater good? One for all and all for one? The one's you, remember? And everyone fucks you?"

"I'm not talking about quitting," says Jared. "He was just--I liked him. He can be my Lois Lane, or something. I'm still out there every day saving people, but when the spandex comes off and the glasses go on, he's the one I'm going home to."

Chad shakes his head. "You're fucked up, dude."

"I run around dressed as a superhero fucking guys for money," says Jared. "Of course I'm fucked up."

*

Jensen wonders if Jared is kept informed about who hires him. He assumes Jared knows that he wasn't expecting him last time--the shock and confusion must have been a dead giveaway. Unless he thinks Jensen is into that? Is getting ambushed by cosplaying superheroes a fetish for some people?

Not important right now.

What is important is that Jensen would like to fuck Jared again. A lot. And because Jared is a hooker, this seems to be within the realm of possibility. After all, hookers get paid to have sex with people. So if Jensen pays him, Jared will come to his dorm and they can have dirty superhero sex.

Apparently Jensen has some kind of superhero fetish. Which is a little upsetting to find out.

"Hey, Chris?"

"Dude, you left your room. Did you get my present?"

"You mean the hooker?"

Chris grins. "C'mon, man, what else would I give you?"

"Yes, Chris, I got the hooker."

"Awesome. Did you use him? You didn't get morally hung up or some shit, right?"

"No, I didn't. I mean--I didn't get hung up. I--look, that's not the issue here!"

"There's an issue? What's the issue?"

"Uh," Jensen coughs. "Where'd you get him?"

Chris practically whoops. "Oh man, you want him back? Dude, that's--yes! Holy shit! Jensen's gonna go to a prostitute on the regular!"

Jensen glares at him. "I am not, fuck you."

"I'll get you the number," says Chris. "Nothing to be ashamed of. A man's got needs."

"I'm going to kill you in your sleep."

*

What Jensen is absolutely not expecting is to find Jared hanging out on a corner.

He knows, from pop culture, that hookers work on corners. But he sort of figured Jared was a by-appointment-only hooker, if those exist. He didn't think that he was the kind of guy who worked the streets.

On the streets, he dresses differently. Tight jeans--really, really tight jeans--over his long, long legs, and a wife-beater turning towards gray. Jensen hadn't really seen a lot of male hookers in life, but even if he hadn't known Jared had sex for money, he would have figured it out.

"Hi," he stutters, and then realizes that Jared might not remember him. Jared presumably has sex with a lot of guys.

"Hey!" says Jared. His face goes from detached-and-possibly-tragic hooker to excited puppy in seconds. "Jensen, right?"

"Yeah. Hi. Are you, uh--you're working?"

"Someone's gotta do it."

Jensen is fairly certain that prostitute is not actually a job that the world needs to function.

Well, maybe.

"I, uh. Well--I mean. How much?"

Jared blinks. "What?"

"How much for the night?"

Jared licks his lips. "It's by the hour."

"Oh. How much an hour?"

"Fifty bucks."

That seems--cheap. To Jensen. But he doesn't really want to call Jared a cheap whore. That seems mean. Maybe Jared tries to keep his prices low to accommodate the less fortunate. Who still need superhero sex.

Jared's entire profession hurts Jensen's brain.

"Well, uh. If you're--willing?" he tries. This is the hardest thing ever. No pun intended.

"Yeah!" says Jared, rushing it a little. "No, that's--your place?"

"My place," Jensen agrees.

When they get back to Jensen's dorm and Jensen shoves Jared against the wall, kissing him hard and working the button on his jeans, he's not surprised to find that Jared is still wearing his hot pants.

"Clark-Kent style," Jared pants into his mouth.

"You are the dorkiest prostitute I have ever met."

"Thanks."

*

"A hundred bucks?" asks Chad. "Jesus, how much did you charge the guy?"

"Fifty an hour," Jared mutters. "He's a student!" he protests at Chad's look. "He probably doesn't have a lot of disposable income."

"Neither do you. You can't afford to fuck people pro boner."

"That is not the phrase. Also, I didn't! I charged!"

"Either ask him out or charge him like a normal person," says Chad. "I'm not made of hookers here."

"You're a colossal tool," says Jared.

"I have a colossal tool. I can see how you'd get confused."

*

Jensen finally decides that it is his lot in life to be totally fucking confused by Jared Padalecki.

Because he stops by the bar where Danneel works as a hostess on a Saturday and finds Jared there having a beer and relaxing and nearly chokes.

He's wearing normal jeans--tight, but not as tight--and a t-shirt and glasses and Jensen wants to lick every part of his body.

The thing is, he doesn't seem to be working. He just seems to be having a beer.

Don't go talk to him, Jensen thinks. He's off duty, he doesn't want to see you, don't talk to him, don't talk to him, don't--

"Hey, Jared," he says.

His brain sucks.

"Hi!" says Jared. "I didn't--hi!"

"Hi," says Jensen again. This is not actually a conversation yet. It's just stupid. He gestures to the seat next to Jared. "Can I . . .?"

"Yeah, absolutely!" Jared grins. "What are you drinking?"

"Dos Equis," says Danneel, plopping it down in front of him. "Same thing he always drinks. Friend of yours, Jensen?"

"Yeah," says Jensen. "This is Jared."

Jared ducks his head and smiles a little.

"He's cute," says Danneel. "You should keep him."

Jensen blushes. "Get back to work."

Jared bites his lip. "Sorry, if I'd known--"

"If you'd known what?" Jensen snorts. "Besides, I sat down next to you, moron."

"Oh," says Jared. "Right."

"So--you go to school?" he asks. It's mostly a campus bar.

"Part time," says Jared.

"When you're not saving the world?" says Jensen.

Jared grins. "Exactly."

*

Jared is riding pretty high on a long conversation with Jensen that did not involve either of them paying the other for sex. They had fun, they chatted about Jensen's thesis (apparently what was stressing him out) and Jared's classes and mostly stayed away from prostitution.

But when he gets back, Misha is there.

Misha is, Jared guesses, a pimp. Pimp has such negative connotations he doesn't want to call him a pimp, but that's what he is. And Jared honestly appreciates that. Misha treats him well and gets him jobs. Which is definitely good, because apparently finding people who looked stressed, stalking them, and breaking into their houses dressed as a superhero to proposition them is illegal.

Jared thinks that's bullshit, frankly. He was just trying to help.

So having a pimp doesn't really make it legal, but it means that he only breaks into consenting people's houses, so it works out.

"Jared," says Misha, in a kind of despairing tone. "What is wrong with you?"

Therapists have been asking Jared this for years. Apparently it's freakish to wear a cape and have sex for money.

"Nothing," says Jared. "I just want to help people."

"Look, you have to charge people to have sex with you if you're on the clock," says Misha.

"I did!"

"Okay, you have to charge them your actual rate."

Jared pouts.

Misha rubs his forehead. "You could just sleep with him on your own time."

"What if he doesn't want to?"

"What?"

"I mean, maybe he just wants--"

"He's paying you," says Misha. "For sex."

"But discounted!"

"He doesn't know that! Trust me, if he's willing to pay for sex, he'll take it for free."

When Jared thinks about this, it really does make a lot of sense.

"Huh," he says. "I can't believe I didn't think of that."

"I hate this job," mutters Misha.

*

"So I was thinking about Lois Lane."

Jensen blinks and looks up. Jared's leaning against his table in the library, wearing normal clothes and his glasses and looking--like a student.

"What?" asks Jensen dumbly.

"See, she really wanted Superman and thought Clark Kent was boring, right?"

"Right," says Jensen, like he might get bitten by the agreement.

"But Clark Kent and Superman are the same person and he just couldn't tell her, and she realized she loved them both."

"Jared," says Jensen. "Not that I don't like talking to you, man, but--is this going somewhere? I've got work to do."

Jared huffs out a breath. "Want to be my Lois Lane?"

Jensen just stares at him for a minute, dumbfounded. "What?"

"Like. I still go out every night and save the world, cuz the world needs saving. But, uh--I'd like to go out with you? Like, on dates? Maybe?"

Jensen is pretty sure that Jared is actually insane. He is an insane prostitute with delusions of superheroics, and he wants to date Jensen.

More worrying than any of this is that Jensen is going to say yes.

"Yeah," says Jensen. "I'd love to go out with you."

Jared beams.

*

As relationships go, it's pretty fucked up. Jared spends a lot of time sleeping with other people, which actually works out okay because Jensen spends a lot of time working on his thesis, so it's not like he's bored. And then he and Jared go out on dates and make out for hours and have sex which Jensen is pretty sure is not going to save the world.

"I know," says Jared. "That's why I'm going to be a doctor."

"Are you still going to wear a cape?" asks Jensen.

Jared smiles. "That's why I'm going to be a pediatrician."


THE END.