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Aug. 17th, 2011 04:52 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
longsufferinglyThis is just a fluffy little fic inspired by reading some online advice columns! Format is a little experimental, but I hope you guys enjoy it :D
Agony Uncle
J2 AU, PG-13, 2222 words. In which Jared gives advice.
March 10, 2011: Jared Labels Lipstick Lesbians, Unravels Unrequited Love, and Waxes Poetic on Waxing
Dear Jared:
Disclaimer: I know a lot of this is wildly unfair. You don't have to tell me.
I have a crush on this girl in my Philosophy class. She's smart, and funny, and completely gorgeous. Like--completely gorgeous. I know from Facebook stalking (creepy, I know) that she sometimes kisses girl, but it looks like she's always drunk in the pictures. She doesn't say if she's interested in men or women, but she is single.
I want to ask her out, but I honestly can't believe she's a lesbian. I know that lesbians don't have just one look, but I've been to LGBT meetings at my college (which she isn't at) and all of the other lesbians here are pretty dykey. I am too. I don't think I'm very subtle about my sexuality, but she and I have never talked about it one way or another.
I can't get a read on her at all. Sometimes I think she's flirting with me, sometimes I think she's not interested at all. I don't know what to do. Help!
Sincerely,
Lovelorn Lesbo
Dear Lesbo:
First off, starting your letter acknowledging you're being wildly unfair is pretty dumb. Because all I'm really going to tell you is that you're honestly being pretty stupid. There's a really simple solution to this problem: call her up and ask her out. You seem to have a lot of respect for her, but you're not really close friends or anything. She probably won't hate you if she finds out you're gay, and the easiest way to find out if someone is interested is just to ask them flat out. And all this stereotyping about how she dresses is seriously outdated. Lesbians: they look like people too.
Seriously, Don't Ask, Don't Tell is a thing of the past! She who dares wins.
Jared
Dear Jared:
My best friend is dating this total asshole.
He has the worst taste in men of anyone I've ever met, and it drives me crazy, because if he'd just let me, I know I could be great for him. Which is kind of a separate issue, I guess.
Anyway, his current bf is this total meathead. He doesn't appreciate what he has, and he's constantly checking out other guys. I've never seen him act on anything, but whenever my friend turns his back, his bf is scoping out some twinky dude. And he never asks my friend for his opinion on anything--he assumes he knows best and steamrolls my friend's objections. My friend's a laid-back guy, so I don't know if he realizes it's happening.
So I guess I have two questions: how do you tell your best friend his boyfriend sucks, and is it possible to do that in an objective way when you want him for yourself?
Sincerely,
Pathetic
Dear Pathetic:
I can't really approve of your choice of moniker, man. Don't get me wrong, that sounds like a pretty sucky situation, but it doesn't make you pathetic. I think a lot of us have been there. I know I have.
From what I can tell, you've got one problem that makes it tough to figure out how bad your other problem is. Like I said, I've been in love with friends before, and it can be really hard to tell if you don't like their SOs because they're really bad, or if you're just jealous. From what you've said here, it seems clear that there are serious problems with this guy and the way he's treating your friend. If all that's accurate, I think you have an obligation to let your friend know about it--if you don't, you're doing a disservice to him. I know I trust my friends to let me know if they have issues with my SOs.
But you also have to make sure you can take a step back and make sure you aren't finding problems that aren't real. Does your friend care if he's being steamrolled? Is that just part of their relationship? Are you sure that he's really looking at other people and you're not imagining things? I'm not calling you a liar or anything, but it's easy to see what you want to see in situations like this.
If you have another friend you trust, talk to them about it. Chances are if this guy is as much of an ass as you say he is, someone else has noticed. Don't stage an intervention or anything, but just make sure you're not letting your feelings get in the way. And good luck.
Jared
Dear Jared:
Short and sweet: my boyfriend wants me to wax my pussy. I don't want to. Thoughts?
Sincerely,
American Longhair
Dear Longhair:
It's your pussy. Just because he's fucking it doesn't mean he gets control of it. If this is a dealbreaker for him and you want to keep him, you could talk about other grooming possibilities--shaving, trimming, whatever you want to do. But if it's waxing or nothing for him, that might be a warning sign--if he thinks your body is his to control, that's a problem.
Alternately, you could always tell him you'll wax yours if he waxes his first. That might give him a more realistic idea of how painful it is.
Good luck! Hope you get him to see reason.
Jared
March 24, 2011: Jared Bemoans Biphobia, Believes Bimbos, and Befriends Besties
Dear Jared:
I'm in love with this girl who is pretty much perfect. She's gorgeous, she's talented, she has enormous tracts of land, she's everything I've ever wanted, except for one little detail.
She's bisexual.
All my friends are jealous, they think it's awesome! I did too, at first. When I said a girl was pretty, she had an opinion! We could both check out Angelina Jolie. I loved it. But the more serious we get, the more it bothers me. I mean, she likes girls, right? How can she be happy with just me? I don't want to lose her, but I know I'm already pulling away. What do I do?
Sincerely,
Stressed Suitor
Dear Stressed:
Stop. Being. A. Biphobic. Douchebag.
It's easy! She's dating you. That means she likes you. I don't know exactly what you like about her--based on your letter, it sounds like the big draws in the relationship were she's hot and she likes boobs, and now you're insecure and think she likes boobs more than you. Which is another sign of being a biphobic douchebag.
For anyone who's reading this and nodding along with this dude, I'm going to tell you something: "bisexual" does not mean "incapable of monogamy." Just because I like dick and boobs doesn't mean I have to have both in all relationships at all times. Just like your heterosexual partner does not need all the penis to satisfy her. If she says she's monogamous and happy, believe her. If you don't, you're a douchebag.
Hope that helps!
Jared
Dear Jared:
I've got this friend who is just not very bright. She kissed a girl while she was drunk the other day, and now she's convinced she's a lesbian. I told her that wasn't how it works, and she won't believe me! How do I make her see reason?
Sincerely,
Smarter Bear
Dear Bear:
Well, you don't.
If she wants to identify as a lesbian, that's her business. Being dumb doesn't mean you don't know what you want, or that you're incapable of making decisions about your own sexuality. And if she's wrong, what does it matter? She'll figure it out, and come up with her own answers. She needs your support in this, not you policing her sexuality.
Dear Jared:
Hi, it's me again. I talked to my best friend about some things we noticed, and we had a good talk. He doesn't think the stuff I mentioned was a problem, and I disagree with him, but I want to respect his decision.
But the other night, his bf started hitting on me. Saying how pretty I was, how he'd like to bend me over and take a shot. He even said he knew about my "little crush" and thought he could set up a threesome. Like he was doing me a favor! I think it goes without saying that I'm skeeved out by the whole thing and want nothing to do with this asshole, but I don't know how to bring this up to my friend. Is it just going to look like I'm trying to break them up because I don't like him? I have no idea how to approach this.
Sincerely,
The Artist Formerly Known As Pathetic
Dear Artist:
I'm glad you talked to your friend, but it sucks that you're in this position again! It's always tough. From my own experience I can say that it's always better to bring that shit up. My BFF recently took me aside and told me he thought my girlfriend might be cheating on me. We talked it through, and while I didn't agree that she was sleeping around, I really appreciated that he'd brought it up. If you guys really parted on good terms after your last conversation, then you should still be able to be honest with him about what's going on now.
Jared
April 21, 2011: Jared Makes Matches, Loves Easter Candy
First off, thanks to all y'all who sent me candy for Easter! I have so much I'm pretty sure I'm going to burst. I thought it'd be nice to have an upbeat column for the holiday, so here we go!
Dear Jared:
Me again. My best friend finally broke up with his asshole ex a few weeks ago, and now I'm trying to figure out how to tell him how I feel. He's the most amazing person I've ever met, I've been in love with him since halfway through freshman year of college, and I don't think I could handle him dating another asshole.
So, what do you say to the man of your dreams after eight years of pining?
Sincerely,
The Artist Formerly Known As Pathetic
Dear Artist:
I wish I could give you a script for this, but there's really no magical one-size-fits all way to confess your love to someone. Especially a close friend. My advice would be to sit him down and honestly tell him you're interested and would like to give this a try, but emphasize that you still want to be friends.
That being said, he's your best friend, not mine. You know him, and your relationship, better than I do. Think about what will make him comfortable. Don't stress out about doing this the "right" way. Follow your heart, man.
Best of luck!
Jared
Dear Jared:
I finally got up the guts to talk to the girl I've been crushing on all semester, and we casually established that we're both gay. I want to take her on a low-pressure date--ideally something where we can get a feel for each other, but aren't spending much (or any) money and it could easily be a friend outing in case it doesn't work well romantically. Any suggestions?
Sincerely,
Optimistic
Dear Optimistic:
Coffee's always a classic, if a little cliche! If there's a nice park near you, I always like taking a walk and chatting, but I have dogs, and they help a lot with that. If there are any fairs or fun student events going on, that's always a good thing to try! There's always a lot going on at college campuses. I'd advise against anything performance-based--movies and concerts are fun, but if you want to get to know her, try something where the two of you can talk more.
Also, bowling. Bowling is awesome.
Good luck!
Jared
Dear Jared:
How would you propose to your girlfriend? I'm looking for ideas.
Sincerely,
Worth a Shot
Dear Shot:
My girlfriend and I actually recently broke up, so I can't really speak specifically to this. But I like private, quite proposals! I'm a pretty laid back guy, not really into big public displays of affection. Okay, I love hugging and kissing, but something like engagement really should be private between you and your partner. In my opinion, nothing beats a nice dinner, some candlelight, and an earnest declaration. But as I said to Artist up there, you're actually the expert here! You know what your girlfriend likes. I wish you both all the best.
Jared
April 28, 2011: An Open Letter From Jared
Dear Artist Formerly Known As Pathetic:
If you aren't honest with me about your problems, I really can't help you with them effectively. Don't switch boyfriends for girlfriends, muddle up the facts, and expect me to be able to give you good advice about how to deal with what you're going through. If I'd known what was happening, I really think we could have resolved this with a lot less stress and angst for everyone. Some problems really aren't as big as you make them out to be. Because I fell in love with my best friend halfway through freshman year of college too.
So the answer to your last question is: say "I'm in love with you, Jared." I guarantee it will work.
Love,
Jared
Agony Uncle
J2 AU, PG-13, 2222 words. In which Jared gives advice.
March 10, 2011: Jared Labels Lipstick Lesbians, Unravels Unrequited Love, and Waxes Poetic on Waxing
Dear Jared:
Disclaimer: I know a lot of this is wildly unfair. You don't have to tell me.
I have a crush on this girl in my Philosophy class. She's smart, and funny, and completely gorgeous. Like--completely gorgeous. I know from Facebook stalking (creepy, I know) that she sometimes kisses girl, but it looks like she's always drunk in the pictures. She doesn't say if she's interested in men or women, but she is single.
I want to ask her out, but I honestly can't believe she's a lesbian. I know that lesbians don't have just one look, but I've been to LGBT meetings at my college (which she isn't at) and all of the other lesbians here are pretty dykey. I am too. I don't think I'm very subtle about my sexuality, but she and I have never talked about it one way or another.
I can't get a read on her at all. Sometimes I think she's flirting with me, sometimes I think she's not interested at all. I don't know what to do. Help!
Sincerely,
Lovelorn Lesbo
Dear Lesbo:
First off, starting your letter acknowledging you're being wildly unfair is pretty dumb. Because all I'm really going to tell you is that you're honestly being pretty stupid. There's a really simple solution to this problem: call her up and ask her out. You seem to have a lot of respect for her, but you're not really close friends or anything. She probably won't hate you if she finds out you're gay, and the easiest way to find out if someone is interested is just to ask them flat out. And all this stereotyping about how she dresses is seriously outdated. Lesbians: they look like people too.
Seriously, Don't Ask, Don't Tell is a thing of the past! She who dares wins.
Jared
Dear Jared:
My best friend is dating this total asshole.
He has the worst taste in men of anyone I've ever met, and it drives me crazy, because if he'd just let me, I know I could be great for him. Which is kind of a separate issue, I guess.
Anyway, his current bf is this total meathead. He doesn't appreciate what he has, and he's constantly checking out other guys. I've never seen him act on anything, but whenever my friend turns his back, his bf is scoping out some twinky dude. And he never asks my friend for his opinion on anything--he assumes he knows best and steamrolls my friend's objections. My friend's a laid-back guy, so I don't know if he realizes it's happening.
So I guess I have two questions: how do you tell your best friend his boyfriend sucks, and is it possible to do that in an objective way when you want him for yourself?
Sincerely,
Pathetic
Dear Pathetic:
I can't really approve of your choice of moniker, man. Don't get me wrong, that sounds like a pretty sucky situation, but it doesn't make you pathetic. I think a lot of us have been there. I know I have.
From what I can tell, you've got one problem that makes it tough to figure out how bad your other problem is. Like I said, I've been in love with friends before, and it can be really hard to tell if you don't like their SOs because they're really bad, or if you're just jealous. From what you've said here, it seems clear that there are serious problems with this guy and the way he's treating your friend. If all that's accurate, I think you have an obligation to let your friend know about it--if you don't, you're doing a disservice to him. I know I trust my friends to let me know if they have issues with my SOs.
But you also have to make sure you can take a step back and make sure you aren't finding problems that aren't real. Does your friend care if he's being steamrolled? Is that just part of their relationship? Are you sure that he's really looking at other people and you're not imagining things? I'm not calling you a liar or anything, but it's easy to see what you want to see in situations like this.
If you have another friend you trust, talk to them about it. Chances are if this guy is as much of an ass as you say he is, someone else has noticed. Don't stage an intervention or anything, but just make sure you're not letting your feelings get in the way. And good luck.
Jared
Dear Jared:
Short and sweet: my boyfriend wants me to wax my pussy. I don't want to. Thoughts?
Sincerely,
American Longhair
Dear Longhair:
It's your pussy. Just because he's fucking it doesn't mean he gets control of it. If this is a dealbreaker for him and you want to keep him, you could talk about other grooming possibilities--shaving, trimming, whatever you want to do. But if it's waxing or nothing for him, that might be a warning sign--if he thinks your body is his to control, that's a problem.
Alternately, you could always tell him you'll wax yours if he waxes his first. That might give him a more realistic idea of how painful it is.
Good luck! Hope you get him to see reason.
Jared
March 24, 2011: Jared Bemoans Biphobia, Believes Bimbos, and Befriends Besties
Dear Jared:
I'm in love with this girl who is pretty much perfect. She's gorgeous, she's talented, she has enormous tracts of land, she's everything I've ever wanted, except for one little detail.
She's bisexual.
All my friends are jealous, they think it's awesome! I did too, at first. When I said a girl was pretty, she had an opinion! We could both check out Angelina Jolie. I loved it. But the more serious we get, the more it bothers me. I mean, she likes girls, right? How can she be happy with just me? I don't want to lose her, but I know I'm already pulling away. What do I do?
Sincerely,
Stressed Suitor
Dear Stressed:
Stop. Being. A. Biphobic. Douchebag.
It's easy! She's dating you. That means she likes you. I don't know exactly what you like about her--based on your letter, it sounds like the big draws in the relationship were she's hot and she likes boobs, and now you're insecure and think she likes boobs more than you. Which is another sign of being a biphobic douchebag.
For anyone who's reading this and nodding along with this dude, I'm going to tell you something: "bisexual" does not mean "incapable of monogamy." Just because I like dick and boobs doesn't mean I have to have both in all relationships at all times. Just like your heterosexual partner does not need all the penis to satisfy her. If she says she's monogamous and happy, believe her. If you don't, you're a douchebag.
Hope that helps!
Jared
Dear Jared:
I've got this friend who is just not very bright. She kissed a girl while she was drunk the other day, and now she's convinced she's a lesbian. I told her that wasn't how it works, and she won't believe me! How do I make her see reason?
Sincerely,
Smarter Bear
Dear Bear:
Well, you don't.
If she wants to identify as a lesbian, that's her business. Being dumb doesn't mean you don't know what you want, or that you're incapable of making decisions about your own sexuality. And if she's wrong, what does it matter? She'll figure it out, and come up with her own answers. She needs your support in this, not you policing her sexuality.
Dear Jared:
Hi, it's me again. I talked to my best friend about some things we noticed, and we had a good talk. He doesn't think the stuff I mentioned was a problem, and I disagree with him, but I want to respect his decision.
But the other night, his bf started hitting on me. Saying how pretty I was, how he'd like to bend me over and take a shot. He even said he knew about my "little crush" and thought he could set up a threesome. Like he was doing me a favor! I think it goes without saying that I'm skeeved out by the whole thing and want nothing to do with this asshole, but I don't know how to bring this up to my friend. Is it just going to look like I'm trying to break them up because I don't like him? I have no idea how to approach this.
Sincerely,
The Artist Formerly Known As Pathetic
Dear Artist:
I'm glad you talked to your friend, but it sucks that you're in this position again! It's always tough. From my own experience I can say that it's always better to bring that shit up. My BFF recently took me aside and told me he thought my girlfriend might be cheating on me. We talked it through, and while I didn't agree that she was sleeping around, I really appreciated that he'd brought it up. If you guys really parted on good terms after your last conversation, then you should still be able to be honest with him about what's going on now.
Jared
April 21, 2011: Jared Makes Matches, Loves Easter Candy
First off, thanks to all y'all who sent me candy for Easter! I have so much I'm pretty sure I'm going to burst. I thought it'd be nice to have an upbeat column for the holiday, so here we go!
Dear Jared:
Me again. My best friend finally broke up with his asshole ex a few weeks ago, and now I'm trying to figure out how to tell him how I feel. He's the most amazing person I've ever met, I've been in love with him since halfway through freshman year of college, and I don't think I could handle him dating another asshole.
So, what do you say to the man of your dreams after eight years of pining?
Sincerely,
The Artist Formerly Known As Pathetic
Dear Artist:
I wish I could give you a script for this, but there's really no magical one-size-fits all way to confess your love to someone. Especially a close friend. My advice would be to sit him down and honestly tell him you're interested and would like to give this a try, but emphasize that you still want to be friends.
That being said, he's your best friend, not mine. You know him, and your relationship, better than I do. Think about what will make him comfortable. Don't stress out about doing this the "right" way. Follow your heart, man.
Best of luck!
Jared
Dear Jared:
I finally got up the guts to talk to the girl I've been crushing on all semester, and we casually established that we're both gay. I want to take her on a low-pressure date--ideally something where we can get a feel for each other, but aren't spending much (or any) money and it could easily be a friend outing in case it doesn't work well romantically. Any suggestions?
Sincerely,
Optimistic
Dear Optimistic:
Coffee's always a classic, if a little cliche! If there's a nice park near you, I always like taking a walk and chatting, but I have dogs, and they help a lot with that. If there are any fairs or fun student events going on, that's always a good thing to try! There's always a lot going on at college campuses. I'd advise against anything performance-based--movies and concerts are fun, but if you want to get to know her, try something where the two of you can talk more.
Also, bowling. Bowling is awesome.
Good luck!
Jared
Dear Jared:
How would you propose to your girlfriend? I'm looking for ideas.
Sincerely,
Worth a Shot
Dear Shot:
My girlfriend and I actually recently broke up, so I can't really speak specifically to this. But I like private, quite proposals! I'm a pretty laid back guy, not really into big public displays of affection. Okay, I love hugging and kissing, but something like engagement really should be private between you and your partner. In my opinion, nothing beats a nice dinner, some candlelight, and an earnest declaration. But as I said to Artist up there, you're actually the expert here! You know what your girlfriend likes. I wish you both all the best.
Jared
April 28, 2011: An Open Letter From Jared
Dear Artist Formerly Known As Pathetic:
If you aren't honest with me about your problems, I really can't help you with them effectively. Don't switch boyfriends for girlfriends, muddle up the facts, and expect me to be able to give you good advice about how to deal with what you're going through. If I'd known what was happening, I really think we could have resolved this with a lot less stress and angst for everyone. Some problems really aren't as big as you make them out to be. Because I fell in love with my best friend halfway through freshman year of college too.
So the answer to your last question is: say "I'm in love with you, Jared." I guarantee it will work.
Love,
Jared
no subject
Date: 2011-08-17 11:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-08-17 11:54 pm (UTC)