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Jul. 25th, 2011 10:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
longsufferinglyBallistic Penises and Corkscrew Vaginas
J2, 748 words, hard R? NC-17? I don't even know. PRETTY MUCH I was at dinner tonight with![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
sadcypress and beckaandzac (and later balefully, but she missed most of this conversation), and we somehow got to talking about duck sex, and I was like PEOPLE ARE GOING TO START WRITING CORKSCREW DICK SEX just you watch, it is going to be the next knotting.
And then they were like, well clearly you must start this trend.
And then I had two more beers.
And here we are.
Title from this article, which taught me everything I always wanted to know about duck sex, but was afraid to ask.
Jensen was tired of assholes always trying to stick their corkscrew penises where they didn't belong.
It was only a small portion of the population who had the genetic abnormality--a small percentage of "drakes" and "hens," and Jensen was an unlucky male hen, who all the mallards thought was just waiting for an ass full of duck dick.
The truth of it was, Jensen was happy as he was. Yes, his asshole was some kind of nightmareish labyrinth from which no one could escape unscathed, but he doesn't really use it for much. Well, the obvious thing, but he doesn't need some over-enthusiastic drake deciding he wants to make a map of his colon with his weird inside-out penis.
He has his own (very straight and external) hardware, and he's happy to use it on straightforward, easy vaginas.
He does not need a drake.
"Hey baby," says the guy at the bar. He doesn't have the over-testosteroned look of a man whose genitalia is internal except for one-third of a second during a confusing and upsetting climax, but he still has the feel of a drake. "Want to let my snake into your chamber of secrets?"
Jensen blinks. "Was that seriously a Harry-Potter pickup line?"
The guy flushes. "Depends. Do you find that endearing or sad?"
"Do I have to choose just one?" Jensen asks.
"As long as endearing is on the table, I'm good with that," says the guy, sitting down next to Jensen. "I'm Jared."
"Jensen," says Jensen. "Has that pickup line ever worked?"
"It does sometimes," says Jared, with a sigh. "But mostly on girls who feel sorry for me? But they're not hens, and their, uh--areas?"
"Va-jay-jays," says Jensen, sagely.
"Va-jay-jays," Jared agrees. "They're just too--straightforward. I, uh, burst out in all my glory, and my dick is like, this is too easy! What's happening!"
"Your dick says that," says Jensen, dubiously.
"Yeah!" says Jared. "It's like, why did I come out of your abdomen for this? A child could find its way through here! Wake me up when you've got a challenge."
"Wow," says Jensen. "Have you thought about professional help?"
"I don't need professional help," says Jared, earnestly. "I need a difficult-to-navigate orifice."
"I can see why the ladies swoon for this kind of talk," says Jensen. "I'm flattered. Really."
"If it helps, you're also really pretty," says Jared, still earnest. He is the most earnest person Jensen has ever met while this drunk. "And I would be interested in the relatively simple interaction of your dick with my ass too."
"Huh," says Jensen. "You make an interesting point."
Which was how he ended up on the bed, with Jared's cloaca (multi-purpose opening) pressing up against his asshole, waiting for a drake to finally attempt to navigate the many corridors of his anus.
"Wow," says Jared. "This is a lot of pressure. I've never tried to find my way around one of these before."
"Just get to it," says Jensen. His ass is all weird and relaxed. He thinks it's going to metaphorically give Jared signposts and directions. He hopes Jared's dick asks for directions, instead of driving a billion miles in the wrong direction, like a stereotypical man.
Jared's dick explodes into him like a zig-zagging cannon, twisting and turning through the dark alleys of his inner sanctum with a single-minded intensity, like a rat looking for the pleasure button at the end of a maze. Jensen's body opens up, taking Jared's dick by its (metaphorical) hand, and leading him home.
Then it's been a third of a second, and it's over, and Jensen's ass is filled with cum in a place he did not know he had.
"Wow," says Jared.
"Yeah," says Jensen.
"So."
"So."
"Is it just me, or was that weird?" asks Jared.
"So weird."
"Okay, cool." Jared awkwardly manages to get his dick back in his cloaca, and then gives Jensen a sheepish smile. "Uh, I had fun."
"Really?" asks Jensen. "Did you?"
"It was educational?"
"Great," says Jensen. "So, do I get to fuck you in the ass now?"
"I actually lied," says Jared. "I only have a cloaca."
"What?" asks Jensen.
"It's a multi-purpose opening," Jared explains.
"So I fuck you where your dick came out?"
"Pretty much."
"Whatever," says Jensen. "Just give me a condom and let's roll."
That wasn't much better either, but Jared was cute, and Jensen didn't have any other prospects. So they lived happily ever after. With corkscrew penises.
J2, 748 words, hard R? NC-17? I don't even know. PRETTY MUCH I was at dinner tonight with
sadcypress and beckaandzac (and later balefully, but she missed most of this conversation), and we somehow got to talking about duck sex, and I was like PEOPLE ARE GOING TO START WRITING CORKSCREW DICK SEX just you watch, it is going to be the next knotting.And then they were like, well clearly you must start this trend.
And then I had two more beers.
And here we are.
Title from this article, which taught me everything I always wanted to know about duck sex, but was afraid to ask.
Jensen was tired of assholes always trying to stick their corkscrew penises where they didn't belong.
It was only a small portion of the population who had the genetic abnormality--a small percentage of "drakes" and "hens," and Jensen was an unlucky male hen, who all the mallards thought was just waiting for an ass full of duck dick.
The truth of it was, Jensen was happy as he was. Yes, his asshole was some kind of nightmareish labyrinth from which no one could escape unscathed, but he doesn't really use it for much. Well, the obvious thing, but he doesn't need some over-enthusiastic drake deciding he wants to make a map of his colon with his weird inside-out penis.
He has his own (very straight and external) hardware, and he's happy to use it on straightforward, easy vaginas.
He does not need a drake.
"Hey baby," says the guy at the bar. He doesn't have the over-testosteroned look of a man whose genitalia is internal except for one-third of a second during a confusing and upsetting climax, but he still has the feel of a drake. "Want to let my snake into your chamber of secrets?"
Jensen blinks. "Was that seriously a Harry-Potter pickup line?"
The guy flushes. "Depends. Do you find that endearing or sad?"
"Do I have to choose just one?" Jensen asks.
"As long as endearing is on the table, I'm good with that," says the guy, sitting down next to Jensen. "I'm Jared."
"Jensen," says Jensen. "Has that pickup line ever worked?"
"It does sometimes," says Jared, with a sigh. "But mostly on girls who feel sorry for me? But they're not hens, and their, uh--areas?"
"Va-jay-jays," says Jensen, sagely.
"Va-jay-jays," Jared agrees. "They're just too--straightforward. I, uh, burst out in all my glory, and my dick is like, this is too easy! What's happening!"
"Your dick says that," says Jensen, dubiously.
"Yeah!" says Jared. "It's like, why did I come out of your abdomen for this? A child could find its way through here! Wake me up when you've got a challenge."
"Wow," says Jensen. "Have you thought about professional help?"
"I don't need professional help," says Jared, earnestly. "I need a difficult-to-navigate orifice."
"I can see why the ladies swoon for this kind of talk," says Jensen. "I'm flattered. Really."
"If it helps, you're also really pretty," says Jared, still earnest. He is the most earnest person Jensen has ever met while this drunk. "And I would be interested in the relatively simple interaction of your dick with my ass too."
"Huh," says Jensen. "You make an interesting point."
Which was how he ended up on the bed, with Jared's cloaca (multi-purpose opening) pressing up against his asshole, waiting for a drake to finally attempt to navigate the many corridors of his anus.
"Wow," says Jared. "This is a lot of pressure. I've never tried to find my way around one of these before."
"Just get to it," says Jensen. His ass is all weird and relaxed. He thinks it's going to metaphorically give Jared signposts and directions. He hopes Jared's dick asks for directions, instead of driving a billion miles in the wrong direction, like a stereotypical man.
Jared's dick explodes into him like a zig-zagging cannon, twisting and turning through the dark alleys of his inner sanctum with a single-minded intensity, like a rat looking for the pleasure button at the end of a maze. Jensen's body opens up, taking Jared's dick by its (metaphorical) hand, and leading him home.
Then it's been a third of a second, and it's over, and Jensen's ass is filled with cum in a place he did not know he had.
"Wow," says Jared.
"Yeah," says Jensen.
"So."
"So."
"Is it just me, or was that weird?" asks Jared.
"So weird."
"Okay, cool." Jared awkwardly manages to get his dick back in his cloaca, and then gives Jensen a sheepish smile. "Uh, I had fun."
"Really?" asks Jensen. "Did you?"
"It was educational?"
"Great," says Jensen. "So, do I get to fuck you in the ass now?"
"I actually lied," says Jared. "I only have a cloaca."
"What?" asks Jensen.
"It's a multi-purpose opening," Jared explains.
"So I fuck you where your dick came out?"
"Pretty much."
"Whatever," says Jensen. "Just give me a condom and let's roll."
That wasn't much better either, but Jared was cute, and Jensen didn't have any other prospects. So they lived happily ever after. With corkscrew penises.
no subject
Date: 2011-07-27 10:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-16 03:06 am (UTC)