(no subject)

[longsufferingly]

I like how my weekend is full of fic while my week is a barren wasteland of pain.

Anyway, here's my second-favorite plotline from Love, Actually, starring Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Jared Padalecki, and Jensen Ackles.


It makes sense that Jared is upset--Jeff doesn't know how he wouldn't be upset. But Jeff feels out of his element, as if he's drowning. He hadn't been planning to be a father when he met Sherri; sure, he'd thought that someday, he'd have kids, but it had been far away, almost unfathomable. But he loved Sherri so much, and her having a son didn't change that. Jared had come as part of the package, and Jeff adored him at once, still adores him, loves him like his own.

But he'd never thought he'd be the only one in Jared's world. He'd planned on Sherri being there, to take care of her son.

He'd planned on the three of them being a family, and now it's the two of them, and Jared is so sad.

"His mother is dead," Jeff tells Samantha. "Of course he's sad. Christ, I know that. But--I don't know what to do, you know? What do I say?"

Sam rubs his shoulder. "You love this kid, Jeff. He loves you. Just be there for him." She smiles a little, shaking him. "It's not rocket science, you know. Tons of stupider men than you have been dads."

"Step-dad," says Jeff. He's never been more aware of it, never more aware of that distance. "He's an orphan, Sam. You know that?"

"He's not," says Sam sternly. "You're his family. You are."

*

Twelve is a difficult age even without your mother dying. Jeff remembers being twelve, how even tiny things were earth-shattering.

He buys Jared an ice cream cone and says, "We need to talk."

Jared looks at him. The kid's gangly, skinny, kind of pointy. Jeff's pretty sure he's going to be tall and good-looking sometime soon, but he's definitely at an awkward stage. "What's up?"

"You know I'm here, right?"

"I know," says Jared, still looking confused.

"If you need to talk, or to...I know you're upset, Jared. There's--I know there's nothing I can do about your mom, but...I want to help."

Jared looks down at his ice cream. "It's not that," he says quietly.

"What?"

"I am having trouble," Jared admits. "But it's not mom. And you can't help. No one can."

"What is it?" asks Jeff.

Jared hedges. He looks everywhere but at Jeff.

"Sometimes just saying it can help, Jared."

"I'm," says Jared. "I'm in love."

Jeff gapes at him. "Love?"

"Don't get me wrong," says Jared. "Mom--I miss her, Jeff. I miss her more than anything. But--I'm in love. Even before what happened. And it won't go away."

"But," Jeff coughs. "You've been moping--I thought--you're so miserable."

"Yeah," says Jared. "I'm in love."

Jeff coughs. "Okay then."

"It's the worst," says Jared, gloomily. "Tragic."

"Definitely," says Jeff. "Tragic."

*

"So," says Jeff, a week later. "I want to hear about it."

"About what?" asks Jared.

"The girl--boy--you're in love with."

Jared blushes. "Boy," he admits quietly. "His name is Jensen."

Jeff nods. "Jensen. He's in your class?"

"Yeah. He's--he's a transfer student from Dallas from a public school so they put him in our class even though he's a year older. And all the girls are in love with him because he's so much more mature. And that's not why I am. He's just--he's really shy, Jeff! And he laughs like...like he doesn't think he wants anyone to hear it, and he doesn't know how good it sounds. He's--" Jared stops, and Jeff can see him squeeze the quilt between his fingers. "I really like him," Jared says. "And I don't think he even knows I exist."

Jeff puts his arm around Jared's shoulders and squeezes. "Man, it sucks to be you, kid."

Jared shoves him. "See if I ever tell you anything again," he says, but he's smiling a little. Like maybe Jeff isn't a total fuck-up at this.

*

Jeff's cooking dinner when Jared comes home from school genuinely excited for once. Jeff's still not great with the cooking, but Jared seems okay with it. He's very encouraging; even the worst dishes get some compliment. Granted, when Jeff burned the hell out of some scallops, Jared had only managed to find something good to say about the plates Jeff used, but Jeff couldn't blame him.

"Jeff!" says Jared, grinning ear-to-ear, his dimples flashing. "Okay, I got a plan."

"A plan? What'd I tell you about thinking, boy?" asks Jeff, smiling back.

"Quiet so you can appreciate my brilliance," Jared says. "Okay, so. Actors."

"Actors?"

"Everyone loves actors! They're totally popular and have sex all the time."

"I guess so."

"And Jensen is going to be in the Christmas play. So I think if I get in it, and I'm awesome, then, because I've been a good boy this year, he will realize I'm amazing and fall in love with me."

"Flawless," says Jeff. "I don't see where that could possibly go wrong." He grins, to let Jared know he's kidding and happy.

"Ye of little faith," says Jared. "Just you wait. I'm going to be great, and you won't be able to pay me to be seen with you."

Jeff ruffles his hair. "Go set the table, JT."

"I'm a serious actor now," he scoffs. "Call me Jared."

*

"How come we only talk about my love life?"

"Because I'm old and gross," says Jeff easily.

"I'm curious!" says Jared. "There must be someone who's willing to have you."

Jeff shrugs. "I've been a done deal for a long time, Jared," he says. "There wasn't anyone else for me but your mom."

Jared nods. "I know what that's like."

And it's strange, because when Jeff looks at Jared, he really believes it.

*

"It's not the most romantic casting," says Jeff as Jared practices his line.

"I can add sexual tension in, right?"

"Between Scrooge and Tiny Tim?" asks Jeff.

"Dickens wouldn't mind," says Jared. "Tiny Tim has a case of hero worship for his savior. It totally makes sense."

Jeff scrubs his eyes. "Just don't start humping his leg on stage or anything."

"I'm crippled, remember?" says Jared. "I don't have that kind of maneuverability."

Jeff shakes his head. "You're impossible."

"I'm tenacious," Jared corrects. "I know what I want."

*

Jeff is excited to see Jensen opening night of the play. He doesn't really know what he's expecting--he's heard about Jensen, but not much about his looks, except that the girls like him. He knows very little about what appeals to twelve-year-old girls, and even less about what appeals to Jared.

But he's glad when his first and overwhelming impression of the boy playing Scrooge is that he seems good. He's a little shy and nervous, like Jared said, but he gains confidence quickly. He plays his part well, and just seems like a great kid, never stealing the stage when he shouldn't, smiling encouraging at a girl who's having trouble with her lines.

Jeff even has to admit that the hero worship thing Jared does at Tiny Tim works. He's good, and the grin that lights up his face when Jensen takes his hand at the end of the play for the bows is bright and happy and unbelievable.

Jeff sticks his fingers in his mouth, whistles as loud as he can; waves when Jared finds him in the crowd.

He's being that embarrassing parent and he doesn't even care; he's really fucking proud of his son.

*

He picks Jared up and hugs him, knowing he won't be able to lift him for much longer, appreciating the small, happy body in his hands, the preciousness of this moment.

"You were amazing," he says, genuinely.

"I know," says Jared. "But--it's. It didn't work."

"What?" says Jeff. "How did it not work?"

Jared shrugs. "He still doesn't--he doesn't know who I am. Or...anything."

"So tell him," says Jeff.

"What?"

"Tell him you love him," says Jeff, putting him down.

Jared flushes. "I can't just--I can't just tell him."

"Why not?"

"Because I--because he--"

Jeff hears a slight noise, looks up to see the Jensen in question hovering, looking nervous. Jeff smiles at him, sees him flush immediately.

"Hey, Jared," Jeff says. Pushes Jared's shoulder a little so he turns, watches the heat flood his kid's cheeks.

"Hi," Jared says, looking shocked. Jeff quickly moves to busy himself in another area of the hallway, still close enough to eavesdrop. Out of concern for his son, of course.

"Hey, Jared," he hears Jensen say, quiet and shy.

"I, uh. I didn't think you knew my name," says Jared.

"I do," says Jensen quickly. "You were, um. Really good tonight, you know."

"You were too," says Jared.

"Thanks," says Jensen. "I'll just--" he turns to go, and he sounds so nervous that Jeff doesn't have a doubt in the world that this Jensen kid is just as tripped up in Jared as Jared is in him. He can't help grinning into the announcements he's not reading.

"Hey," says Jared. "Um. Do you want to--come play video games this weekend? Or something."

"I," says Jensen. "I'm going back to Richardson for Christmas tomorrow," he admits. "But...maybe after I get back?"

"Yeah," says Jared eagerly. "Once you're back."

Jeff glances over, sees Jensen grinning and Jared grinning back. Something in his heart twists--maybe several things. He's not sure.

"Merry Christmas, Jared," says Jensen, waving and ducking his head.

"Merry Christmas, Jensen," Jared echoes, watches the older boy goes.

He turns back to Jeff, face lit up like a Christmas tree. He runs in for another hug, burrows in close, and Jeff thinks, yeah, he can do this.

He can be this.

He wants to.