(no subject)
Dec. 14th, 2008 12:39 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
longsufferinglyTHIS IS MOSTLY ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
synergic's FAULT. Also timmesque and rachia.
WIIFIT IS JUDGING YOU
a sam/dean fanfic
no spoilers
no point
no excuse
"So what did it do again?" asks Dean.
Sam looks at the computer. "You ever hear of the Wii?"
"Sam, you're not five. I think you can call it taking a piss now."
"That's not--it's a gaming system, Dean. Nintendo Wii."
"So, like...Mario?"
"Exactly. The Wii's the newest gaming system, and one of its most popular titles is WiiFit."
"Dude, that is the stupidest name for anything ever."
"Focus, Dean. It's an exercise program--yoga, stretches, some minigames."
"Okay, fine. And?"
"And it's one of the hottest titles out right now. This one's being sold on eBay as "the cursed WiiFit.""
"I don't think eBay scammers are really our thing, Sammy. E-mail the abuse line or something."
"I looked into it. All their links for the dead ex-owners check out. The thing actually drove six people to suicide."
Dean comes over to squint over Sam's shoulder. "Dude, someone's paying $500 for that thing?"
"And we have to outbid them."
"We're paying for this thing?"
"They're fake credit cards."
"Yeah," says Dean. "But--it's the principle of the thing, Sammy."
Sam shakes his head. "I'll do it. Just go buy us a Wii."
"Come on, can't I at least steal it?"
Sam just looks at him.
"Dude. You are so not fun."
*
Sam nearly gets sniped, but not having to actually pay his own real money helps a lot, and it's not like he cares about his eBay buyer rating. Actually, he does care about his a little, which is why he changes to Dean's last minute. But he gets it, and they rent an apartment, and two weeks later Dean and Sam have one Wii, one WiiFit, one plasma screen TV, and about twelve other Wii games, all of which Dean is pretty addicted to.
"We have work, Dean."
"Come on, Sam, you don't want Ganondorf to win, do you?"
"If WiiFit doesn't kill you," Sam mutters darkly, "I will."
*
It's a week before Dean finally gives in to Sam's nagging and starts paying attention to their actual case.
Except that's not quite how it goes.
How it goes is this: they're making out on the couch, and Dean is about to give Sam a handjob, when the TV turns on.
Sam figures one of them hit the remote in their squirming, doesn't pay much attention and works on giving Dean a hickey. But then Dean, facing the TV, tenses under him.
"What?" asks Sam. Dean's hand is down his pants and not moving and Sam hates the world.
"Sammy," says Dean. "It's talking."
"What?"
Sam turns him around.
"Have you been busy, Dean?" says the screen. The WiiFit is there, in the corner, looking at them.
"Uh," says Sam.
"Uh," says Dean.
"Before you start," says the TV, "could you tell me how heavy your clothes are?"
Sam blinks at their undone jeans and cast off shirts.
The WiiFit answers for them and moves on.
"Please sit on the couch with your ass spread evenly," says the WiiFit.
Dean shoots it.
"Okay," he says, moving his hand, "back to business."
Sam forgets the whole thing pretty fast, because Dean's kissing him and jerking him off, fast and messy, and he can't really think anything after a few seconds of that. Minutes later, he's arching and coming in his jeans.
He's about to return the favor when Dean shoots at the TV again. Sam turns around to see "Hand job" at the top of the screen. Beneath it is, "Time to ejaculation (sec.): 387.45" and then two stars.
Sam stifles a snort, because this is hilarious, but Dean might kill him.
"That was a little sloppy, Dean! Do you often find your partners are unsatisfied?"
There's dead silence for a minute. Then Dean says, "Sammy."
"What?" says Sam.
"We're doing that again."
*
Dean gets to three stars before Sam absolutely vetoes any more hand jobs, on the grounds that his dick fucking hurts.
"Can't we just exorcise it?" he asks.
"Not until it admits I'm awesome at sex! Come on, I'm fucking you up the ass."
"You say the sweetest things," says Sam.
"I'm serious! I'm way better at assfucking than handjobs."
"Fine," says Sam. "You can fuck me in the morning. I'm going to bed."
"Sam!"
Sam gives him the finger as he trudges into the bedroom. Dean doesn't come in for a long time, and Sam really, really doesn't want to know what he's doing in there.
*
"Your thrusting is a little uneven. Do you find your penis slipping out during sex often?"
Dean throws Ruby's knife into the WiiFit at that one. It sparks, but it doesn't die.
"It's not even plugged in," says Sam.
"Can we salt and burn it?" asks Dean.
"I've been trying to make you salt and burn it for days."
"It says I'm bad at sex!"
"It's a demon! Demons lie!" Sam's not actually sure it's a demon, but he's willing to say pretty much anything to make Dean stop at this point.
"So I'm not bad at sex," says Dean, looking wary.
"No, Dean. You're not bad at sex."
Dean kicks the WiiFit. "Suck on that! My brother thinks I fucking rock at sex."
Sam doesn't mention how fucked up this sentiment is. After all, this entire situation is fucked up, and every time he reminds Dean that most people think incest is freaky, Dean gets all guilty and won't have sex with him for like a week, and Sam likes sex. So he just moves on.
"Come on," he says, "let's salt and burn this sucker."
*
In the end, they salt it, burn it, put the ashes in a garbage back full of rocks, and throw the bag into the sea. Afterward, Dean insists they have victory sex, and the TV stays blessedly off.
Still, Sam can't help himself.
"You know, Dean," he says, casually, "that thrusting was a little uneven..."
Dean glares at him. "Shut the fuck up."
synergic's FAULT. Also timmesque and rachia.WIIFIT IS JUDGING YOU
a sam/dean fanfic
no spoilers
no point
no excuse
"So what did it do again?" asks Dean.
Sam looks at the computer. "You ever hear of the Wii?"
"Sam, you're not five. I think you can call it taking a piss now."
"That's not--it's a gaming system, Dean. Nintendo Wii."
"So, like...Mario?"
"Exactly. The Wii's the newest gaming system, and one of its most popular titles is WiiFit."
"Dude, that is the stupidest name for anything ever."
"Focus, Dean. It's an exercise program--yoga, stretches, some minigames."
"Okay, fine. And?"
"And it's one of the hottest titles out right now. This one's being sold on eBay as "the cursed WiiFit.""
"I don't think eBay scammers are really our thing, Sammy. E-mail the abuse line or something."
"I looked into it. All their links for the dead ex-owners check out. The thing actually drove six people to suicide."
Dean comes over to squint over Sam's shoulder. "Dude, someone's paying $500 for that thing?"
"And we have to outbid them."
"We're paying for this thing?"
"They're fake credit cards."
"Yeah," says Dean. "But--it's the principle of the thing, Sammy."
Sam shakes his head. "I'll do it. Just go buy us a Wii."
"Come on, can't I at least steal it?"
Sam just looks at him.
"Dude. You are so not fun."
*
Sam nearly gets sniped, but not having to actually pay his own real money helps a lot, and it's not like he cares about his eBay buyer rating. Actually, he does care about his a little, which is why he changes to Dean's last minute. But he gets it, and they rent an apartment, and two weeks later Dean and Sam have one Wii, one WiiFit, one plasma screen TV, and about twelve other Wii games, all of which Dean is pretty addicted to.
"We have work, Dean."
"Come on, Sam, you don't want Ganondorf to win, do you?"
"If WiiFit doesn't kill you," Sam mutters darkly, "I will."
*
It's a week before Dean finally gives in to Sam's nagging and starts paying attention to their actual case.
Except that's not quite how it goes.
How it goes is this: they're making out on the couch, and Dean is about to give Sam a handjob, when the TV turns on.
Sam figures one of them hit the remote in their squirming, doesn't pay much attention and works on giving Dean a hickey. But then Dean, facing the TV, tenses under him.
"What?" asks Sam. Dean's hand is down his pants and not moving and Sam hates the world.
"Sammy," says Dean. "It's talking."
"What?"
Sam turns him around.
"Have you been busy, Dean?" says the screen. The WiiFit is there, in the corner, looking at them.
"Uh," says Sam.
"Uh," says Dean.
"Before you start," says the TV, "could you tell me how heavy your clothes are?"
Sam blinks at their undone jeans and cast off shirts.
The WiiFit answers for them and moves on.
"Please sit on the couch with your ass spread evenly," says the WiiFit.
Dean shoots it.
"Okay," he says, moving his hand, "back to business."
Sam forgets the whole thing pretty fast, because Dean's kissing him and jerking him off, fast and messy, and he can't really think anything after a few seconds of that. Minutes later, he's arching and coming in his jeans.
He's about to return the favor when Dean shoots at the TV again. Sam turns around to see "Hand job" at the top of the screen. Beneath it is, "Time to ejaculation (sec.): 387.45" and then two stars.
Sam stifles a snort, because this is hilarious, but Dean might kill him.
"That was a little sloppy, Dean! Do you often find your partners are unsatisfied?"
There's dead silence for a minute. Then Dean says, "Sammy."
"What?" says Sam.
"We're doing that again."
*
Dean gets to three stars before Sam absolutely vetoes any more hand jobs, on the grounds that his dick fucking hurts.
"Can't we just exorcise it?" he asks.
"Not until it admits I'm awesome at sex! Come on, I'm fucking you up the ass."
"You say the sweetest things," says Sam.
"I'm serious! I'm way better at assfucking than handjobs."
"Fine," says Sam. "You can fuck me in the morning. I'm going to bed."
"Sam!"
Sam gives him the finger as he trudges into the bedroom. Dean doesn't come in for a long time, and Sam really, really doesn't want to know what he's doing in there.
*
"Your thrusting is a little uneven. Do you find your penis slipping out during sex often?"
Dean throws Ruby's knife into the WiiFit at that one. It sparks, but it doesn't die.
"It's not even plugged in," says Sam.
"Can we salt and burn it?" asks Dean.
"I've been trying to make you salt and burn it for days."
"It says I'm bad at sex!"
"It's a demon! Demons lie!" Sam's not actually sure it's a demon, but he's willing to say pretty much anything to make Dean stop at this point.
"So I'm not bad at sex," says Dean, looking wary.
"No, Dean. You're not bad at sex."
Dean kicks the WiiFit. "Suck on that! My brother thinks I fucking rock at sex."
Sam doesn't mention how fucked up this sentiment is. After all, this entire situation is fucked up, and every time he reminds Dean that most people think incest is freaky, Dean gets all guilty and won't have sex with him for like a week, and Sam likes sex. So he just moves on.
"Come on," he says, "let's salt and burn this sucker."
*
In the end, they salt it, burn it, put the ashes in a garbage back full of rocks, and throw the bag into the sea. Afterward, Dean insists they have victory sex, and the TV stays blessedly off.
Still, Sam can't help himself.
"You know, Dean," he says, casually, "that thrusting was a little uneven..."
Dean glares at him. "Shut the fuck up."
