thanks for being INEXPLICABLE, lj!

[longsufferingly]

Title: The Grave's a Fine and Private Place
Author: poor_choices
Fandom: Supernatural RPS
Pairing: Jensen Ackles/Jared Padalecki
Rating: PG
Warnings: None I can think of!
Word Count: 4200.
Summary: In which Jared and Jensen are two globetrotters looking for artifacts in ruins, and not actually gay for each other. No, really. Everyone can stop saying that any time.
Notes: For peppervl for helpbrazil2011! I hope you enjoy it ♥ Heavily inspired by the way I have been addicted to The Sims 3: World Adventures this weekend, title from Andrew Marvell. Beware of totally unrealistic tomb-raiding antics! I blame video games.
Disclaimer: Lies and untruths.


"France," says Jensen.

"France? What the hell is there in France?"

Jensen roots around his bag and finds the right papers. "Louis Renault's estate. Apparently, he was this crazy guy who collected antiquities. No known relations--collectors want everything in there, but apparently he studied pyramids for a while and set up serious security."

Jared makes grabby hands, and Jensen hands over the sheet. Jared scans it quickly and swears. "Nope. It's in Martiel," he says, making a face. "Which is where crazy Sylvia lived."

"We're turning down a job because of a girl you slept with two years ago?" asks Jensen, dubious. "This is an awesome opportunity."

"I bet you have tons of other awesome opportunities in there, doll face."

"Doll face?" asks Jensen, dubious. "That's worse than sugar lips."

"How about muffin top?"

"That's not what muffin top means."

"Whatever," says Jared, kicking back with a grin. "Just give me your next option, Ackles."

Jensen shakes his head. "Okay, Scotland. You haven't dated anyone in Scotland, right?"

Jared grins. "Highlands or lowlands?"

Jensen rolls his eyes. "Dick."

*

Jensen met Jared three years ago, when they were both working the same job in Australia. Jensen's specialty is traps; his father trained him in pyramids, Egypt and South America, and Jared likes to joke that the mummies cursed him with inhumanly good looks. Jared's more of an all-arounder; his background is actually in art history and curation, and he worked in a natural history museum for a few years before he realized that he wanted something with more action. He's a lot better at recognizing what's valuable than Jensen is--Jensen once tried to sell a collector what turned out to be part of another adventurer's shoe.

Jensen yanked Jared out of the way of a dart trap in Australia, and they went through the rest of the tomb together, and then they just--stuck together. Jensen's always preferred working with a partner, and Jared's a good one. He's great in a fight, charming enough to talk his way out of most difficult situations. They work well together. Jensen's happier. He's richer. He's not dead.

If he sometimes suspects he's not totally happy, well. Everyone sometimes suspects that.

*

The town is called Penpont; honestly, Jensen hesitates to even call it a town. It's got about 1000 sheep, and maybe half as many people, if it's lucky. The bed and breakfast he and Jared set up at is quaint, homey, and surprisingly accepting when they check in together.

"They think we're in love," Jared coos as they head up the stairs. "They think we're adorable. They're gonna make us breakfast."

"Laugh now," Jensen grumbles. "They only gave us one bed. And Scottish breakfast has weird cooked tomatoes in it."

Jared laughs. "I'll live. You don't kick, do you?"

"I'm going to kick you," says Jensen. "Just you." He sighs and tosses his bag onto the chair. The room is cutesy--he really prefers going larger places, but Jared heard Bronze age fort and immediately geeked out; he has a thing for pre-Roman Britain. Jensen doesn't pretend to understand. "Do you need to nap, or are we heading out?"

"Heading out," says Jared, yawning and stretching. His shirts are perpetually just too short; there's a sliver of skin every time he stretches, and Jensen has to wonder why he doesn't just get bigger clothes. Maybe they don't make them.

Then he realizes that he's been staring at Jared's stomach and not listening. He zones in to, "before nightfall," which isn't that helpful, in isolation.

"We're waiting to excavate until tomorrow, right?" says Jensen, giving Jared a stern look. "We need supplies."

"I don't know if they have supplies here," says Jared dubiously. "But we'll probably be fine with the rations we have."

Jensen gives him a look. "Jared," he starts.

"I know, I know," says Jared, sighing. "There's no such thing as probably when it comes to rations. We're going to lose at least a few hours going to Glasgow, you know."

"I was thinking Newcastle," says Jensen.

"Newcastle? Why Newcastle? It's farther."

"That's where Jeff is right now."

"Jeff?" asks Jared, perking up. "Since when is Jeff in England?"

Jeffrey Dean Morgan is pretty much Jensen's favorite collector--he's smart, savvy, and great at forging provenances. Which is pretty much all Jensen needs in a person. Plus, he's hot. And Jared loves him because they can geek out about art history together, and Jeff takes the time to ensure that, in the case of artifacts raided from another culture, the stuff gets back to its original owners. That's a big thing for Jared. He thinks of himself as an anti-colonial crusader, Jensen is pretty sure. It's kind of hilarious.

"Working at the Great North Museum," says Jensen. "You didn't hear?"

"Awesome. So he can tell us what he wants? And what to look for?"

"That's the general idea," says Jensen. He grabs his flashlight and the provisions they've got. "So, recon?"

"Recon," Jared agrees. He grins. "Man, Bronze age. This is gonna be awesome."

Jensen shakes his head, grinning back. "Yeah, whatever. Geek."

*

"So, let me get this straight," said Danneel, a few months after he started working with Jared. "He's tall. He's hot. He gets a hard-on for ancient relics. You're living together. And you're not fucking him."

"Of course I'm not fucking him," Jensen said, giving her a wary look. "Why would I be fucking him?"

"Um, everything I just said?"

"I don't actually find guys who like ancient relics hot."

"Jeff," Danneel pointed out, instantly.

"Yeah, okay, but not because he likes ancient relics. Also, Jared isn't that hot."

"Really," said Danneel, dubiously. "Jensen, I'm a lesbian and I know he's hot."

"Good for you," said Jensen. "He's not my type." Danneel looked like she wants to respond to that, and Jensen didn't really want to engage on that one; Jared was kind of his type, but he was mostly just, well. Jared. "And he's probably not even into guys."

"Probably?"

"We haven't had the sexuality chat yet. I know, I know," he said, holding up his hand. "I should have told him. I will."

He had, of course, eventually, and Jared had shrugged and said he couldn't give up boobs, but dick had its appeal too. Over the years Jensen has learned that Jared doesn't much care where the sex comes from, as long as it's plentiful.

"So you're really planning to have a completely business relationship with the tall, muscley guy with the stupid hair?"

"That's what I'm planning," Jensen agreed.

Danneel lifted her glass. "I'll believe it when I see it."

Jensen had clinked his glass against hers, but it had been a lie. Every time Danneel sees him, she gives him this look that says I don't know why you're not sleeping with him, and every time Jensen just grins back.

*

"I can't believe you're not sleeping with him," says Danneel, surprisingly direct.

"I can't believe I'm hanging out with you instead of flirting with Jeff," Jensen grumbles. "Seriously, this is unfair. Jared's talking to the hot collections manager and I'm stuck with the--"

"Hot lesbian," says Danneel. "I'm still hot. And I'm just mad you didn't tell me you were in the area."

"I didn't know you were in the area."

"Roman fort," says Danneel. "Got hired by the Ashmolean. Pretty sweet deal."

"Yeah, brag about it," says Jensen, but he's smiling.

"Don't tell me, you're here because Jared thinks Scottish burial mounds are awesome."

"Forts," Jensen corrects. "And no. Well, yes. Well, kind of. We're here because Jared thinks Scottish forts are awesome and he slept with some girl in France and therefore will never go back."

"If Jared won't go anywhere he's slept with someone, he's going to have to find a new planet."

Jensen laughs. "Tell me about it. In his defense, the girl did kind of lose it when she realized he wasn't going to marry her."

"And did she realize that because he's already married to you?"

"Shut up," says Jensen. His cell rings, and he's happy for the interruption when he sees it's Jared. "What?"

"You got the food?"

"Yeah."

"Awesome, I've got instructions from Jeff. Where are you? I'll come pick you up. We are totally sleeping in an ancient fort tonight. Get pumped! So say goodbye to your girlfriend."

"If Danneel is my girlfriend, she is the worst girlfriend of all time," says Jensen. "She abuses me all the time and is afraid of my dick."

"Huh, by that definition you're my girlfriend," says Jared, thoughtfully.

"I'm not afraid of your dick."

"Yes you are. I've seen you. You're intimidated by its massive size."

"I've had bigger," says Jensen, which may or may not be true. It's not like he's measured his conquest's dicks to compare to Jared's. "Also, I am done with this conversation. Just get over here."

Danneel gives him a look as he hangs up.

"Jared says hi," he says, awkwardly.

"Obviously."

Jensen sighs. "Look, I know you're convinced I'm secretly pining away for him or whatever, but I'm not."

"I don't think that," says Danneel, and Jensen looks at her a little warily. She seems--shockingly sincere.

"You don't," he says, dubiously.

"No," she says. She grins. "I just think you're a blind idiot."

Jensen laughs. "That's my girl." He kisses her on the cheek. "I'll call you when we get out of the fort."

"Yeah," says Danneel. "You better."

*

The fort is--well, honestly, the fort is pretty awesome. Jensen isn't as invested in the whole thing as Jared is, but still. He wouldn't be doing this if he didn't like ruins, didn't love going through massive subterranean labyrinths, trying to figure out which way to go, where the floors will fall in, where there might be traps for raiders just like them. It's thrilling, and amazing, and Jensen gets a rush of giddy joy every time they make it to a new site.

Jared elbows him. "Like a kid in a candy store, I swear," he says, but with a fond, easy smile that Jensen can't help returning.

"Whatever, like you're not excited," he says, starting off around the perimeter of the fort. Most of the ancient sites like this have secret entrances, ways to get into the catacombs beneath, and Jensen doesn't like to brag, but he's amazing at finding them.

"I'm gonna go check out the fort," says Jared, bouncing a little on his heels.

"Now who's like a kid?"

Jared sticks out his tongue, which really just proves Jensen's point. "Just holler when you find the entrance, okay?"

"Gotcha," says Jensen. "Try not to rub up against the artifacts, okay?"

"It's not my fault they're so sexy," says Jared, grinning. He salutes Jensen. "See you in a few. I'll bring you something pretty."

*

True to his word, when Jensen finds the door and calls Jared down, Jared's got a few artifacts, things the other raiders must not have found yet. "Mostly shitty, but we could sell them to tourist shops for a few bucks."

"If that's all we get, this is going to be a total bust of a trip," says Jensen.

"It's never a bust if we have fun," says Jared. "Where's the door?"

Jensen's got the basic outline marked out, but Jared's got the tools--after all, what's the point of having a partner the size of a work horse if you don't use him like one?--so Jensen hasn't started excavating yet.

"Here," he says, gesturing. "It's going to be a little short for you."

"Shocking," says Jared. "This is totally the wrong occupation for a tall guy."

"Hey, I'm tall," Jensen notes mildly. "You're just freakish."

"You're so bitter. It's sad."

"Less talking, more digging," says Jensen, and that actually does shut Jared up. He's a good worker, when he stops mouthing off--fast, efficient, and strong. They've got an entry cleared in short order, and Jensen feels another thrill as the entrance looms in front of them, dark and deep.

"Just so we're clear," says Jared, "we have the coolest job ever."

Jensen grins and bumps his fist against Jared's. "No kidding."

*

Most of Jensen's friends don't get it. He doesn't blame them, exactly--it's hard to really understand what it's like if you haven't done it. He suspects half of them don't believe he really does this, and he's just lying.

Of course, they all love Jared.

"He's such a cool guy!" Alona once told him. "Seriously, how do I get a boyfriend like that?"

"You need a rich fantasy life as Lara Croft," Aldis said.

"Hey, we all know you have one of those, and yet, you're single," Alona shot back. Jensen thinks the two of them should just hook up and get it over with. "Seriously, Jensen. How did you guys really meet?"

"World of Warcraft," Jensen said, winking. "And he's still not my boyfriend."

"Does that mean I can have him?" Alona asked, perking up.

"Believe me, you don't want him," said Jensen. "But you want to try it? Yeah, go nuts."

Apparently she did, because Jared mentioned it a few days later. "So, your friend Alona asked me out."

"Please tell me you didn't love her and leave her," said Jensen. "It'll be awkward. She'll ask you about me all the time."

"I said no," said Jared, shrugging. "Didn't want to make your life more complicated."

Jensen had been a little surprised, but pleased. "Thanks, man."

Jared laughed, but he was flushing a little too. "It's not really a hardship not sleeping with people, man," he said, way too casual.

And that was about when Jared became his best friend.

*

"Stop," says Jensen.

"You cannot seriously think there's a trap there," says Jared, but he stops anyway.

"If you don't want me to check, you can keep going," Jensen says easily.

Jared sighs. "I just don't get your Spidey-senses."

"Don't be jealous. You probably also have some skills. Maybe."

"Asshole," says Jared.

"Asshole who just found a hidden door," says Jensen. "So maybe you should stop bitching and show me a little gratitude."

"Dibs on whatever's in the room," says Jared.

"We share all the spoils," Jensen points out. "So it doesn't really matter." He yawns. "You want to get the stuff and I'll set up camp?" he asks. It's slow business, getting through an old site like this, and Jensen is prepared to sleep here a few days.

"Sure," says Jared, already heading into the room.

Jensen sets out the sleeping bags quickly and efficiently, everything about the process being old hat at this point. He and Jared have done this enough they could probably manage in silence, if they wanted.

Jensen shivers a little. It's a drafty place, he guesses.

Jared flops down on his sleeping bag with a grin. "Gold. Jeff is going to love us. If I let you deliver it, I'm pretty sure you'd get laid."

"So I assume you're not gonna let me deliver it," says Jensen dryly. "I never cockblock you, you know."

"Beijing," says Jared.

"I'm 90% sure she was involved with the yakuza."

"What, mobsters don't deserve love? That's prejudice, Jensen. Besides, it's Jeff. If you fuck it up with Jeff, we're screwed."

"Unlike you, I'm not allergic to serious relationships," says Jensen.

Jared rolls over to look at him, more thoughtful than Jensen expected. "So you'd date Jeff?" he asks. "Settle down?"

"I wouldn't settle down," Jensen hedges. "Long distance, it's magic. Or, maybe not. But I wouldn't fuck him and then decide I could never go back to Newcastle for fear of seeing him."

"It's not like I tell them it's going to be a relationship and then skip out," says Jared. "It's not like that. I'm pretty clear about what's happening."

"I didn't mean it like that," says Jensen. "You know I didn't."

"I know."

"You okay?"

Jared sighs. "Chad was asking me when I turned gay."

"Wow," says Jensen. "That's surprisingly polite, for Chad."

"Okay, he actually said So how is the ball sucking? Do they taste like peanuts? I thought they'd taste like peanuts. But it's the same basic idea."

"Peanuts?" asks Jensen.

"I don't know, it's Chad."

"Okay. So--why is that a problem? People ask me if you're gay all the time."

"They do?"

"Not in so many words," Jensen admits. "I mean, they mostly ask me how my boyfriend's doing."

"Yeah, that's the thing," says Jared. "Every single person I know thinks I'm in love with you."

Jensen swallows, because no one's ever put it to him like that. They all think they're dating, and that seems less serious.

And he knows they're not dating. That's easy. It's just--in love is different.

"Again, really polite. For Chad."

"Jensen."

"Yeah?"

"I've been thinking."

"Well, you should stop," says Jensen, too fast and too harsh. Because Jared isn't in love with him. Jared's just having some weird doubts. He's stressed. There are all kinds of reasonable explanations.

Jared's not in love with him, and he's not in love with Jared. Talking to Chad always makes people confused and alarmed. Jensen does it as little as possible.

"Yeah," says Jared, quietly. "Yeah, I probably should."

*

"So, you're Jensen. Dude, I am glad you don't like pussy, because chicks love pretty boys and you'd totally take all my chicks."

Jensen blinked at the squinty blond dude glaring at him. "Are you the Secrets of the Tomb guy?" he finally asked.

The guy brightened immediately. "Motherfucking yes!" he says. "Dude, Jay! Your wife watches my show! I knew gay guys liked me. Now I can tell my producer that the chicks in bikinis totally aren't hurting our appeal."

"I don't watch," Jensen clarified quickly, because he really didn't want to hear any more of that. Secrets of the Tomb was some cheesy SyFy show about the guy--Chaz? Chad? Chet?--going around Egypt trying to find a mummy. Or something. Jensen had never made it more than five minutes without wanting to hurl something at the screen. He has no idea how girls in bikinis got involved, but he really doesn't want to know.

"Jensen, this is Chad," said Jared, coming over with two beers and handing one to Jensen. "He and I were in college together, which means he has enough blackmail material to force me to appear on his show for the rest of my natural life."

"I can see why you're gay for him," Chad said gravely. "I approve. Both of you stop trying to steal my pussy. The pussy is mine."

"Is he drunk?" Jensen asked Jared.

"I wish," said Jared, and clinked his beer against Jensen's. "You're stuck with both of us now."

And Jensen hadn't left right then and there.

So that's something.

*

The rest of the exploration is--awkward. They don't talk much, they talk less, and Jensen feels awkward the whole time, uncomfortable like he never is with Jared. Jared doesn't get excited over any of the stuff they find, no matter how old and dusty it is.

Basically, it sucks out loud, except for the part where it's mostly eerily silent and stilted.

Jensen's never been so glad to get out of a job, back into the overcast Scottish day and the tiny rental car Jared keeps driving on the wrong side of the street. They go straight to Newcastle with their haul, not even discussing it. Jensen doesn't think they could share a bed right now; the B&B is out of the question.

"Here," says Jared, jerking his head at the loot when they get to the museum.

"Yes," says Jensen, slowly. "That is our stuff."

Jared huffs. "No. I need a drink. You take the stuff to Jeff."

It doesn't have to be anything. It's casual, logical even. It's nothing at all, but the way Jared is looking at him speaks volume.

He's saying, Take this stuff and go fuck Jeff, see if I care.

And he's gone before Jensen can figure out how to respond.

*

"Gotta say," says Jeff, checking over the artifacts Jensen brought in, "I was expecting your boyfriend."

Jensen can't help wincing, and of course Jeff notices.

"Don't tell me," he says, smiling a little. "Trouble in paradise?"

"You know we're not actually dating, right?"

"I've heard," says Jeff, raising his eyebrows. "What's wrong?"

Jensen groans. "I don't even know. He's just--it's weird." He sighs. "The jokes are a little awkward right now."

"Huh," says Jeff, nodding. "Well, you two better not break up. I need you guys bringing me the good shit."

"He sent me here so I could sleep with you," Jensen blurts out, and Jeff raises his eyebrows, like he's not sure how Jensen has ever gotten laid in his life with lines like that. Jensen isn't really sure either. "I mean, not in so many words."

"Wow," says Jeff. "I guess that's why he never lets you come."

"I guess," Jensen says.

"You know, you don't have to have a pile of old shit with you to come visit."

"I know," Jensen says. He takes a deep breath. "So I'm probably in love with Jared."

"Yeah," says Jeff.

"Yeah," Jensen says, nodding. "Okay. Yeah. Thanks. I'm gonna go. You enjoy the bowls."

If Jeff responds, he's gone too fast to hear it.

*

"You really don't want to step there," Jensen said.

"Yeah?" the guy asked. "Why not?"

"Because there's a hole in the wall," said Jensen, pointing over. "And I'm pretty sure darts come out of it. And I'm not sure they'd kill you, but they probably wouldn't be fun."

"Huh," said the guy. "Okay. What do you suggest?"

Jensen pulled out his pack of lockpicks. "Give me five minutes."

"I've got five minutes," said the guy. "I'm Jared, by the way. If you're gonna be saving my life."

"So if I wasn't saving your life, I wouldn't get your name?" Jensen asked.

"Definitely not."

"So I'm not giving you mine. Not unless you manage to save my ass."

Jared laughed. "Yeah, okay, fair enough."

And, yeah, he was attractive, obviously.

But that's never really been the most important thing.

*

Jensen's had GPS on Jared's phone for the last two-and-a-half years. There's never been any reason for him not to know where Jared is.

Right now, he's in a pub, and Jensen makes it there in no time. He might run. It's not exactly dignified.

Jared isn't hitting on anyone--in fact, he's pretty much not even looking at anyone else in the bar, and it's beyond disconcerting.

He slides in next to Jared at the bar, and Jared barely looks at him.

"So, when I told you to stop thinking? That was a dick move. I was a dick," says Jensen.

"You're always a dick," says Jared.

"Yeah," says Jensen. "But not to you. Not like that."

"So, what, you're apologizing?"

"No," says Jensen. "I mean, yeah, obviously. I'm sorry. It was a dick move. But that's not what I wanted to say."

"Okay," says Jared. "What did you want to say?"

"I didn't sleep with Jeff," says Jensen.

"God, because I'd be really depressed at your endurance," says Jared.

"Will you stop being a mopey asshole for a second? I'm trying to help here."

Jared smiles a little. "I can't see how you failed to get laid, you charmer."

"Jesus," says Jensen. "I told him I was in love with you. Which I'm guessing is not a turn-on for most guys."

Jared stares at him.

"I'm hoping it's a turn on for you," says Jensen. "I mean, it would really suck for me if it wasn't."

Jared licks his lips. "You're in love with me?"

"Yeah," says Jensen, shrugging a little. "So--if you wanted to keep thinking about it--"

Jared laughs, short and bright, and slides off his stool so he can lean over and kiss Jensen. "I really don't need to think about it," he says, and then they're kissing again.

"So, hey, you want to go back to that B&B and have sex?" Jensen asks, when they finally stop kissing. "I mean, they're totally going to be disappointed if we don't have sex."

Jared grins. "Yeah, we don't want to disappoint the poor B&B people."

"Definitely not."

He offers his hand and Jensen takes it, and it feels so easy.

It feels nice. Jensen doesn't really need anything else.

*

"So, mystery savior," said Jared, when they made it out of the Australian tomb. "You wouldn't happen to be looking for a partner in crime, would you?"

Jensen grinned. "Yeah, I could use a partner." He shrugged. "Do you think you're gonna be saving my life in your capacity as my partner?"

"Probably once or twice."

"Yeah, probably."

"Okay," he said. "So, I'm Jensen."

"Jensen," said Jared, and extended his hand. "Partners?"

"Partners," said Jensen.

And that was that.