sobbb.

[longsufferingly]

Things that are awkward:

1. Writing porn about a character who doesn't know words like "dick" and "orgasm."
2. Writing porn about a character who doesn't really know much about sex period.
3. Writing porn based on a beloved childhood novel.
4. Writing porn with your grandmother sitting right next to you.

Which is to say! Originally, this was going to be a scene in "The Lad That Loved You...," but then I had a crisis of faith about both my ability to write Anne of Green Gables AU porn, and also anyone else's desire to read Anne of Green Gables AU porn. inarticulate reassured me on the latter, and it's not like I've ever let the former stop me, so yesterday I decided to soldier on and turn this into a deleted scene!

Now it's 3100 words long, so it's less a scene and more its own special story. wtf self.

ALSO I am really behind on comments, but will be replying soon. Promise! I am the worst comment responder, I'm sorry :(

Title: I Sing the Body Electric
Author: chash
Fandom: Supernatural RPS
Pairing: Jared Padalecki/Jensen Ackles, Jim Beaver/Jeffrey Dean Morgan
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: ...anne of green gables J2 au porn. sob my life. Also, Jared is 17.
Word Count: 3100.
Summary: Sequel to The Coming of Wisdom With Time and The Lad That Loved You Was One That Kept His Word. In which Jared is naive, Jensen is patient, and Jeffrey Dean Morgan has to give Jared the talk.
Notes: Title from Whitman.
Disclaimer: I make this shit up.


Jared is, unfortunately, almost completely ignorant about the practicalities of being in love--especially with another man. After years of feeling superior to Chad, who has always seemed like a slave to his baser instincts, Jared realizes that the primary reason he never wanted to kiss Sandy McCoy was that he just wasn't very interested in her. Now that he has Jensen, however, Jared finds himself wishing he had allowed Chad to tell him more about making love, because Jared has no idea what to do. He thinks there must be more than what they have--not that Jared is unhappy with what they have. Jensen seems happy beyond measure just to be with Jared, as he always has, and when they're together, they spend much of their time just walking a little more closely than they used to, looking longer, smiling more. When they're alone, they're mostly curled up in Jensen's room or Jared's, sitting on the bed for lack of any other furniture that will fit both of them, working on their readings or their studies. Sometimes, Jensen will kiss him, or he will kiss Jensen, and it's wonderful for the warm feelings it sparks in Jared's soul, but his body remains unsatisfied.

When Jared was twelve and living with the Grahams, he experienced arousal for the first time. It had been one of the most humiliating experiences of his life--in his curiosity, he had tried touching himself, and his loud moan of pleasure at the contact had brought Mrs. Graham in. At once, she had flown into a rage, a jumble of words about hedonism and the sin of Onan and God's righteous judgment. Since then, Jared has sometimes woken up with his sheets sticky after blurs of dreams, but he never considered touching himself again.

At least, he didn't until Jensen, because being around Jensen now is like there is a fire under his skin at all times, and what they're doing now does nothing to extinguish it. He wakes up sticky from dreams of Jensen most nights, and he knows if they don't do something more soon, he's going to lose his mind.

He doesn't know how to bring this up to Jensen, of course. Jensen seems so transcendently happy that Jared has trouble believing he wants anything more than what he has.

He slips it, as casually as he can, into his next letter to Chad.

I hope marriage is treating you well. Redmond is treating me very well, although everyone here is so much more experienced than I am. How is one ever supposed to learn to kiss when everyone else already knows? It's very embarrassing. You'd better give me some advice.

He hasn't told Chad about Jensen yet, not because he's embarrassed, but because he thinks these are the kinds of things he should bring up in person. He knows that if he'd met a girl, he wouldn't be able to shut up about her, and his sudden silence on Beth is almost certainly raising eyebrows with his friends. Jensen is so different, though. He wants to shout his love from the rooftops, but he knows he can't, and besides, there's something oddly nice about it being just between the two of them (and, Jared suspects, given the melting of his frosty attitude, Steve Carlson), warm and secret.

Chad's eventual response is both helpful and completely unhelpful, which Jared has come to expect from Chad: Open your mouth and turn off your brain. Stop thinking so much, stupid.

He isn't sure what opening his mouth is supposed to do, but he supposes that's because he's thinking too much, so he should just give in and try it out.

*

Jared works up his nerve to try more with Jensen a week after he receives Chad's letter. That's not exactly what happens, actually--Jared has been thinking, continuously, about the possibility of putting Chad's advice to use, but he never makes any firm decisions. He doesn't plan it; it just sort of happens.

It's Friday night when it does--Jensen comes to visit him at around eight, looking tired and wrung out.

"Why do I play rugby, Jared?" he asks. "It's the devil's sport."

Jared smiles. "Poor Jen. Tired out?"

"Mmm," says Jensen, stretching out on Jared's bed. His shirt pulls untucked from his trousers, and Jared catches a flash of his stomach, hard and flat. Heat spikes in his stomach. "I wanted to see you anyway," Jensen continues, blushing lightly. "Even if I won't be good company."

And like that, Jared is gone. He's too in love to weigh his decision, to consider that Jensen is tired and might not be interested in kissing him right now. He crosses the room in two huge steps, props himself up on his knees and and his hands over Jensen on the bed, and kisses him, opening his mouth.

For a second, nothing happens, and then Jensen groans and his hands come up to hold Jared's face just as his tongue comes in to Jared's mouth.

The shock of that new kind of contact hits Jared so hard he makes a noise, but it goes straight into Jensen's mouth, and Jared suddenly understands why Chad told him kissing was wet.

Jared closes his eyes and gives himself over to the sensation, the way Jensen sucks on his tongue, his lips, the way Jensen's hands trail over his face. When they'll pull apart for breath, a second's time at best, Jensen will say, "Jared," as if he's forgotten all other words, and Jared's chest feels so full there's nothing he can do but kiss Jensen again.

His arousal is an unforgettable urgent weight between his legs, but he doesn't want to stop kissing Jensen long enough to try to figure out what to do about it. Jensen moves his hands down Jared's back, slightly under his shirt, and everywhere Jensen's hands touch, it's as if he's burning up. The feeling of Jensen's callused hands against his back makes him gasp, and he feels Jensen smile.

Jensen holds fast on Jared with his hands and surges up, carefully repositioning them so Jared is straddled across his lap, their groins hot against each other. Jared hisses at the contact, and Jensen moves his mouth down Jared's jaw, to his neck, rubbing up against Jared with wanton shamelessness. It's all too much, and it's only seconds before everything builds to a peak and Jared finds himself spilling his seed into his pants, sagging against Jensen.

When he regains use of his facilities, he realizes he can still feel Jensen's arousal, and he doesn't think as he puts his hand between them, stroking his hand over the front of Jensen's trousers.

"Jesus," Jensen groans, and Jared feels him buck and then feels the wetness seeping through Jensen's trousers. He thinks this might be a sin, especially before marriage, but it's really God's fault, and the Prime Minister's, for not allowing him and Jensen to be married in the first place.

Jensen falls back against the sheets, panting, and Jared goes after him, stretching out by his side as best he can in the limited space.

"God," says Jensen. "Jared." And then they're kissing again, long, lazy, open-mouthed kisses.

What feels like hours later, Jared is curled against Jensen and dozing when he realizes something. "You knew how to do that," he points out.

"Hmm?" asks Jensen, half-asleep.

"You knew how to do the better kissing and...what to do after," he says, blushing at things he doesn't have words for.

"So did you."

"I didn't! I had to ask Chad!"

Jensen blanches. "You asked Chad about that?"

"Just about the kissing. And I didn't say I was doing it with you."

Jensen laughs, shakes his head. "I've never done any of that before, Jared. Well, I kissed a few girls before I ever met you, but...never anything else."

"Not after?" Jared asks.

Jensen shrugs, blushing dark. "I didn't want them."

"Oh," says Jared, small and pleased. "Well, why didn't you kiss me like that before?"

"I didn't know if you wanted to," Jensen admits.

"I do," Jared assures him.

Jensen smirks. "I noticed. Can we go back to sleep?"

"You aren't going back to your room?" At the flash of sadness Jensen can't completely hide, Jared presses his arm more firmly over Jensen's chest. "I don't want you to, but won't it look strange if you're still here in the morning?"

"I'll say I fell asleep while I was reading. Anyone who saw me after practice can vouch for how tired I was. And," he adds, almost shyly, "I want to stay with you."

"Good," says Jared, kisses him again, quickly, and settles in to sleep.

*

Three nights later, Jensen growls, pulls Jared's shirt off his shoulders, runs his tongue all over Jared's chest, nipping and sucking as he goes, and Jared wonders if this is what being married is like. He returns the favor two nights after that, finds that he likes the taste of skin, and loves the sounds Jensen makes even more.

The first time Jensen pulls down Jared's trousers and touches Jared there, he nearly screams. He bites down on his own hand, thrusts his hips against Jensen's hand, and it's over in seconds.

"Jesus," says Jared.

Jensen smirks.

*

It occurs to Jared a few weeks before the end of the term that if Jensen likes when Jared mouths over his skin and also likes when Jared touches his penis, combining the two might work even better.

It's awkward and messy, but Jensen seems to really, really enjoy it, and when Jensen returns the favor, Jared can't say he disagrees.

*

Sandy is the first person to find out about them. Jared has trouble staying away from Jensen in public--they drift close together, shoulders knocking against each other, Jared throwing a casual arm over Jensen's shoulder. It's never anything inappropriate, nothing other men don't do together, and Jared has always been an affectionate person, so he doesn't think anyone will notice. Beth seemed baffled by Jared's sudden loss of interest, but never pressed the issue, and certainly never asked if Jensen had anything to do with it.

Sandy knows them better.

"You and Jensen seem close," she tells Jared as they watch the last rugby match of the term.

"We've always been close," says Jared. "Except for when I hated him."

"Except for that," agrees Sandy, sounding amused. "But closer."

Jared shrugs easily. "We get on well."

"I don't think that's it," she says. "I think Jensen finally told you he's in love with you."

"What?" he asks, trying to stay calm.

"He's been in love with you forever," she says easily. "And I think he told you, and you realized you love him back."

Jared is quiet for a long moment. "Yes," he finally says. "That's exactly what happened."

Sandy slips her arm into the crook of Jared's. "I'm glad."

Jared looks down, feels tears prickle his eyes a little. He pretends it's only the cold, but he knows it's not. He's been scared; he knows this isn't what people do, not the way people are supposed to be. But Sandy doesn't mind. "Thank you," he says, and they watch Jensen play.

*

Jared isn't at all unhappy in his relationship; he is thrilled with Jensen. But he wonders if there's more. The things they do are unlike what he knows men and women do together, and he wonders if there's something like that.

He gets through three days of the Christmas holidays before he can't help himself; he slips his hand under the sheets and touches himself, pretending it's Jensen, deciding that no matter what, he's sinning, so he might as well be as happy as he can with it. Whenever he thinks of Jensen, it's a jumble of imaginings--Jensen's hands, Jensen's mouth, the small noises Jensen makes, the happiness that radiates off him the few times they think it's safe to spend the night together, curled together.

The next day, he gives up and does what he's been thinking about for months, what he's been dreading.

"I'm in love," he announces to Jim and Jeffrey.

"Still Beth?" asks Jim, not looking up. "Haven't been talking about her in your letters."

"No," says Jared firmly, "not Beth."

Now Jim does look up. He and Jeffrey exchange a look. Jared can guess why.

"Yes," he says. "Jensen."

Jim grins widely. "Knew you'd see it sooner or later."

"I know you did," says Jared, sighing. "And now I need your advice."

"Jared, if you don't know that boy thinks you hung the moon, then I don't know what's wrong with you. You don't have to worry he don't feel the same," says Jim.

"No!" says Jared. "No, I know that. We're...that is, we've...we've discussed that. It's," he swallows. "There's more, isn't there?"

Jim and Jeffrey exchange a look. Then, Jim breaks out laughing.

"What?" asks Jared, miffed.

"I explained his marital duties," says Jim, still laughing. "This one's all you, Jeff."

"We've done..." Jared knows his face is burning, red as it can possibly go. "We've found some things that...well..."

Jeffrey looks about as uncomfortable as Jared feels. "It's really," he starts, glaring at Jim. "You just do what comes natural, Jared. What feels good."

"We do! But isn't there...is there somewhere..." he swallows. "Somewhere it can go?"

Jeffrey coughs so hard Jim actually gets up and thumps him on the back.

"I mean," Jared soldiers on, because it's too late to give up now, "I know my mouth works, but..."

Jim laughs again, while Jeffrey looks like he's waiting for the earth to open up and swallow him whole.

"Yes," says Jeffrey finally. "There's, uh...Jesus, Jared."

"I didn't know who else to ask!" Jared protests. "I can't tell anyone, and even if I did, they wouldn't...I don't think most people know!"

Jeffrey rubs his forehead, then gets up, goes into the other room, and comes back in with his old dictionary. He hands it to Jared.

"S-O-D-O-M-Y," he spells slowly.

"Coward," says Jim, grinning, as Jared flips through the book.

Jared reads the definition several times, then blinks. "Doesn't that hurt?"

"You want to, well," Jeffrey rubs the back of his neck. "Get some lotion, or something...slick. You need to...stretch it out first. With your fingers."

"Oh," says Jared. "And that feels good?"

"Yes," says Jeffrey shortly. "We're never talking about this again."

Jared blinks at the book several more times.

"Thank you," he finally says.

"I'm getting some whiskey," mutters Jeffrey, and Jim keeps laughing.

*

Jared finds some lotion and tries it on himself that night. It's a strange sensation, but not entirely unpleasant--hot and tight around his finger. He doesn't find it particularly erotic, but he can imagine feeling Jensen around him like that would be different, better. And besides, when he licks his own skin, it's nothing special, but when Jensen does it, it's wonderful, so he thinks it's definitely worth looking in to once they get back to Redmond.

*

"I should have told you some other things the other night," says Jeffrey.

"Oh?" asks Jared.

Jeffrey looks down. "This ain't easy, you know. Me and Jim...hasn't been the smoothest road for us. Long time before we could be together, even longer before we could live in the same house without raising too many eyebrows."

Jared shakes his head. "It's not an option, Jeffrey," he says. "It's not a choice. It's how it is. How it always will be, for me."

Jeffrey nods. "And you're happy?"

Jared grins, trying to let everything he's feeling onto his face. From the way Jeffrey smiles back, he thinks he got it.

*

"I asked Jeffrey and Jim if there's any more we can do," Jared says. Jensen came over to exchange Christmas presents--a notebook, blank pages waiting for Jared to fill them, from Jensen, and a collection of Shakespeare sonnets from Jared--and Jeffrey and Jim found somewhere else to go, leaving the two of them alone and curled up in front of the fire.

"Hmm?" says Jensen, barely looking up from the book.

"Jeffrey had me look up sodomy in the dictionary."

Jensen lets out a noise that's half laugh, half cough. "You asked about that?"

"I didn't know who else would know! And how did you know about sodomy?"

Jensen shifts, moves away a little. "I wanted to work for Jeffrey over the summer when I was ten. My mother wouldn't allow it--gave me a lecture about sodomites and sinning. It stuck with me."

Jared blinks rapidly. "She knows?"

Jensen shrugs. "Suspects, at least. About Jim and Jeffrey. I don't think I'll ever be able to tell them about you."

"But you..." Jared swallows. "You always seem so sure, so...doesn't it bother you?"

"It did, for a long time. I was fifteen when I started thinking I was like that. For a year or so, I really hated it, but then...I actually talked to Jeffrey."

"To Jeffrey?"

"I didn't know who else would know," Jensen retorts, slanting Jared a glance. "I tried not to make it obvious, but he caught on quick."

Jared groans. "No wonder they knew you were in love with me."

"I can't believe you asked them about that," says Jensen, groaning. "I'll never be able to look either of them in the face again."

Jared laughs. "I wonder if that's why they left us alone."

"We're not doing anything here!" Jensen protests.

"We're huddled together in front of the fire," Jared points out. "And I was thinking of kissing you."

Jensen looks down at the book in his hands. "I guess we can do that," he concedes.

Jared grins and does as he's told.

*

The first time they try anal intercourse, it's painful and awkward and Jensen apologizes for an hour afterward.

The second time, Jared has to work himself open in front of Jensen to get him to try again, and Jensen only does only because he can't help himself. Jared finds a place inside himself that makes him see stars, and when Jensen finds it later, it's so good Jared has to bite his pillows.

The third time, Jared tries it on Jensen, and it's wonderful enough he thinks he needs to write poetry about it.

"No one would publish it," Jensen points out.

"No one would have to," says Jared. "All I need is to have "An Ode to Jensen Ackles' Anus" to read when I am alone and missing you."

"If you ever write a poem called that," says Jensen, "I will stop loving you."

"No you won't," says Jared.

"No I won't," Jensen admits. "But you shouldn't do it, all the same."

*

In February, Jensen says, "We should find a house for rent next year. No one will think anything of two students living together."

Jared thinks of Jensen in his bed every night, Jensen with him every morning, in the same house.

"Yes," he says happily, "we really should."