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longsufferinglyTitle: The Process of Mourning
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
chash
Fandom: Supernatural
Pairing: Past Sam/Dean.
Rating: PG-13.
Warnings: AU, non-related Winchesters.
Word Count: 1100 words.
Summary: Sam and Dean head to New Jersey in search of clues.
Notes: Previous parts here. I'm not totally happy with this, but in the spirit of semi-NaNo, I am soldiering on!
Disclaimer: Not mine, don't sue.
It's strange, tromping through the woods with Dean again. When Bobby was injured and Dean was hunting with Sam and his father, it wasn't rare for him and Dean to team up. John seemed to think Dean was good at taking care of Sam.
Sam had often wondered, back then, if his father had seen the way he looked at Dean. The way Dean sometimes looked back. Sam was never sure if he knew and thought their feelings for each other would help, or was oblivious and never would have left them alone if he had known the truth.
He had always hoped his father knew, and he realizes like a punch in the guts that he'll never be sure now.
It's the most embarrassing thing; the next thing he knows, he's on his knees in the woods, crying his eyes out. He'd known if he started crying, he wouldn't be able to stop, and he was trying so hard to just never start in the first place. He knows he looks disgusting and ridiculous when he's crying, and it's even worse in the middle of New Jersey pines, in the dusk.
Dean notices, of course. How could he not? He doubles back and stops about five feet away, obviously trying to decide what to do.
A few years ago, it wouldn't have been a question. The reminder that it is now doesn't make the crying better.
"Sam..." says Dean uncertainly.
That's when the Devil shows up.
Sam hears it first, whirls around and can't really see it because his stupid eyes are still crying.
From what he can see, it's gray--lean and angular, with a thin face and blur of red eyes.
Except for the way it's strangely hunched, it looks like Sam would have expected.
And it seems mean.
He hears Dean fumbling for his gun, obviously about as ready as Sam for the thing to show up now. Before he can, it rushes at Sam, running along on its--long, twisted, hooved arms, its legs stuck forwards, claws bared.
It looks so bizarre Sam has to laugh. It comes out hysterical and he's not surprised.
The thing hooks its arms on Sam's shoulder, pushing itself up. Sam can feel chunks of his flesh ripping out as it pushes off, thrusting its arms forward and up, giant wings flapping.
"Sammy!" yells Dean, in the same minute Sam screams against the pain. He always forgets how much it hurts, pain. It should be obvious, shouldn't be a surprise, but after all these years, it is.
Dean's first shot gets the Devil in the arm, the second breaks a wing and the thing spirals out of the sky.
Dean isn't going toward it, though--Dean's coming to Sam.
"You okay?" he asks. His eyes are wild, worried.
Sam rakes his sleeve across his eyes. "Fine. Check the Devil."
Dean nods once, his body starting to move before he takes his eyes off Sam. Sam wipes his face off a few more times, until he can actually see.
He hears two more gunshots--they don't know what it is, and Dean's still killing it. He staggers over, hands tight against his shoulder, trying to hold the blood in. He can hear Dean's voice in his head, the terrified, involuntary Sammy.
When Sam gets to Dean, the thing is twitching. Up close, it seems small and frail; the thinness seems less like wiry strength and more like fragility. It seems tiny and scared, its breathing fast and frantic.
Dean's staring at it.
"It's just a baby," Sam breathes.
"A baby that nearly ripped your shoulder off," says Dean. His eyes are trained on the creature's short legs, the claws still full of Sam's skin.
Dean shoots it in the head, once, and it stops moving completely.
*
Dean salts and burns the body, just to be safe, while Sam tries to patch up his shoulder. It's his right shoulder, so it's not going very well, especially with how out of practice he is. He wishes everything about hunting was as easy as being with Dean again.
Sammy, he thinks. That means something. It means a lot.
"You suck at this," says Dean, coming over. Sam can see the blaze of the fire behind him. "Let me."
Dean takes over, wrapping the bandages around Sam's shoulder with practiced ease.
"Thanks," says Sam roughly.
"You need to talk about this?" asks Dean.
Sam laughs a little. "You want to talk?"
"Sam, you broke down crying in the middle of a hunt. That makes this a business problem."
"Well, my dad's dead," says Sam. "Sorry if that's a problem for you."
Dean ties the bandage neatly and leaves his hand for a minute; Sam's not sure if he even realizes he's doing it. "You're not alone here. I'm going through this too," he says quietly.
"He wasn't your dad," says Sam, too harsh.
"He killed my dad," Dean retorts. "So it's not like I'm unfamiliar with the grieving process."
Sam swallows hard. They never talk about that. The years when their families wouldn't even speak, the way Sam hasn't seen Dean's mother or sister since then. "Dean, I didn't--I didn't mean..."
Dean waves his hand. "I'm saying I get it, Sam. And I'm here." He tries for a smile. "Just don't cry during hunts anymore. Don't want the ghosts to think we're wusses."
"You can call me Sammy," says Sam, quietly.
"Sammy's more of a pudgy twelve-year-old name," says Dean, his voice easy. "It's not really you anymore."
"It is," says Sam. "It always is."
Dean stands up, goes to examine the fire. "Looks pretty good," says Dean. "I think we can go."
"Where are we going?"
"You're the research guy. You tell me. Find us a hunt."
"What about dad?"
"I dunno," says Dean, shrugging. "I'll call Bobby, get him to look into it. Til we find out? Saving people, hunting things."
Sam smiles a little. "Family business?"
"Family business."
They walk for a distance before Sam finally says, "Thanks, Dean."
Dean's back is a vague shape in the darkness. "Whatever. I'm not gonna offer to talk again."
Sam smiles. "I know."
It's full night by the time the get to the hotel. Dean showers and comes back out of the bathroom fully dressed, his hair wet, and goes to his own bed.
"Night, Sam."
In the darkness, Sam hears Sammy, over and over, and smiles. He's not better, and he and Dean aren't perfect, but they have time. He's got hope.
He can wait.
Bonus feature!
Sorry Ladies, They're Taken
Following the passing of California's proposition 8, Supernatural hotties Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles have revealed that art really does imitate life. The two actors are currently involved, and have been since before the show began. Padalecki, 26, granted us an interview.
Entertainment Weekly: How long have the two of you been together?
Jared Padalecki: Oh, man, let me think. It was right after I moved out here for Psych, so...a year and five months? Give or take a few days. Our anniversary's July 2, which Jensen makes fun of me all the time for remembering. But I know he remembers it too and just doesn't want to admit it.
EW: So the two of you were together before Supernatural ever started?
JP: Yeah. I told Jensen to read for Dean because I figured I might as well get paid to make out with him.
EW: Not that Dean and Sam do a lot of making out.
JP: [laughs] I know, right? I've been telling Kripke I want more kissing. And more scenes where Jensen's shirtless.
EW: Can you tell us a little about how the two of you got together?
JP: Honestly, it's not that interesting. We met, we hit it off. We were friends for a couple years, then when I moved up to Vancouver, Jensen asked me out. And I said yes, because, seriously, have you seen Jensen?
EW: And the two of you have been together ever since?
JP: Yeah. We're planning to buy a house next year if Supernatural gets renewed. Our apartment's nice, but the dogs could use more room.
EW: The two of you live together?
JP: Yeah.
EW: You said your decision to come out was influenced by Proposition 8. Can you talk about that?
JP: Absolutely. Jensen's a pretty private guy--there's a reason you never see anything about his relationships. So we're out to all our friends, but as much as we love our fans, we didn't see as it was any of their business whether or not we were together. It's our private lives, you know? But we're both California residents, and registered to vote there, so we've been following Prop 8 pretty religiously. We're definitely planning on getting married some day, and it's always an option in Vancouver, yeah, but we thought it would be for California too.
EW: And now it's not.
JP: Now it's not. And in this kind of environment, we decided--well, it's important. We're not just actors who play gay guys on TV. We're two gay guys who want to get married, and now we can't. Not in our home, close to our families, anyway.
EW: Can you talk to us about your relationship with Alexis Bledel?
JP: What about it?
EW: The two of you had quite a falling out. Was it because of your sexuality?
JP: No, it was because she dumped me for Milo Ventmiglia.
EW: When did you learn you were gay?
JP: When I started dating a guy. Look, I don't see how this matters. I've dated girls. But I've got an amazing boyfriend who I'm totally in love with, and I'm planning on spending the rest of my life with him. That's what matters to me.
EW: Anything else you'd like to say?
JP: Fight against prop 8. It's passed, yeah, but that's not the end. We deserve to be happy. So fight for it.
Author:
chashFandom: Supernatural
Pairing: Past Sam/Dean.
Rating: PG-13.
Warnings: AU, non-related Winchesters.
Word Count: 1100 words.
Summary: Sam and Dean head to New Jersey in search of clues.
Notes: Previous parts here. I'm not totally happy with this, but in the spirit of semi-NaNo, I am soldiering on!
Disclaimer: Not mine, don't sue.
It's strange, tromping through the woods with Dean again. When Bobby was injured and Dean was hunting with Sam and his father, it wasn't rare for him and Dean to team up. John seemed to think Dean was good at taking care of Sam.
Sam had often wondered, back then, if his father had seen the way he looked at Dean. The way Dean sometimes looked back. Sam was never sure if he knew and thought their feelings for each other would help, or was oblivious and never would have left them alone if he had known the truth.
He had always hoped his father knew, and he realizes like a punch in the guts that he'll never be sure now.
It's the most embarrassing thing; the next thing he knows, he's on his knees in the woods, crying his eyes out. He'd known if he started crying, he wouldn't be able to stop, and he was trying so hard to just never start in the first place. He knows he looks disgusting and ridiculous when he's crying, and it's even worse in the middle of New Jersey pines, in the dusk.
Dean notices, of course. How could he not? He doubles back and stops about five feet away, obviously trying to decide what to do.
A few years ago, it wouldn't have been a question. The reminder that it is now doesn't make the crying better.
"Sam..." says Dean uncertainly.
That's when the Devil shows up.
Sam hears it first, whirls around and can't really see it because his stupid eyes are still crying.
From what he can see, it's gray--lean and angular, with a thin face and blur of red eyes.
Except for the way it's strangely hunched, it looks like Sam would have expected.
And it seems mean.
He hears Dean fumbling for his gun, obviously about as ready as Sam for the thing to show up now. Before he can, it rushes at Sam, running along on its--long, twisted, hooved arms, its legs stuck forwards, claws bared.
It looks so bizarre Sam has to laugh. It comes out hysterical and he's not surprised.
The thing hooks its arms on Sam's shoulder, pushing itself up. Sam can feel chunks of his flesh ripping out as it pushes off, thrusting its arms forward and up, giant wings flapping.
"Sammy!" yells Dean, in the same minute Sam screams against the pain. He always forgets how much it hurts, pain. It should be obvious, shouldn't be a surprise, but after all these years, it is.
Dean's first shot gets the Devil in the arm, the second breaks a wing and the thing spirals out of the sky.
Dean isn't going toward it, though--Dean's coming to Sam.
"You okay?" he asks. His eyes are wild, worried.
Sam rakes his sleeve across his eyes. "Fine. Check the Devil."
Dean nods once, his body starting to move before he takes his eyes off Sam. Sam wipes his face off a few more times, until he can actually see.
He hears two more gunshots--they don't know what it is, and Dean's still killing it. He staggers over, hands tight against his shoulder, trying to hold the blood in. He can hear Dean's voice in his head, the terrified, involuntary Sammy.
When Sam gets to Dean, the thing is twitching. Up close, it seems small and frail; the thinness seems less like wiry strength and more like fragility. It seems tiny and scared, its breathing fast and frantic.
Dean's staring at it.
"It's just a baby," Sam breathes.
"A baby that nearly ripped your shoulder off," says Dean. His eyes are trained on the creature's short legs, the claws still full of Sam's skin.
Dean shoots it in the head, once, and it stops moving completely.
*
Dean salts and burns the body, just to be safe, while Sam tries to patch up his shoulder. It's his right shoulder, so it's not going very well, especially with how out of practice he is. He wishes everything about hunting was as easy as being with Dean again.
Sammy, he thinks. That means something. It means a lot.
"You suck at this," says Dean, coming over. Sam can see the blaze of the fire behind him. "Let me."
Dean takes over, wrapping the bandages around Sam's shoulder with practiced ease.
"Thanks," says Sam roughly.
"You need to talk about this?" asks Dean.
Sam laughs a little. "You want to talk?"
"Sam, you broke down crying in the middle of a hunt. That makes this a business problem."
"Well, my dad's dead," says Sam. "Sorry if that's a problem for you."
Dean ties the bandage neatly and leaves his hand for a minute; Sam's not sure if he even realizes he's doing it. "You're not alone here. I'm going through this too," he says quietly.
"He wasn't your dad," says Sam, too harsh.
"He killed my dad," Dean retorts. "So it's not like I'm unfamiliar with the grieving process."
Sam swallows hard. They never talk about that. The years when their families wouldn't even speak, the way Sam hasn't seen Dean's mother or sister since then. "Dean, I didn't--I didn't mean..."
Dean waves his hand. "I'm saying I get it, Sam. And I'm here." He tries for a smile. "Just don't cry during hunts anymore. Don't want the ghosts to think we're wusses."
"You can call me Sammy," says Sam, quietly.
"Sammy's more of a pudgy twelve-year-old name," says Dean, his voice easy. "It's not really you anymore."
"It is," says Sam. "It always is."
Dean stands up, goes to examine the fire. "Looks pretty good," says Dean. "I think we can go."
"Where are we going?"
"You're the research guy. You tell me. Find us a hunt."
"What about dad?"
"I dunno," says Dean, shrugging. "I'll call Bobby, get him to look into it. Til we find out? Saving people, hunting things."
Sam smiles a little. "Family business?"
"Family business."
They walk for a distance before Sam finally says, "Thanks, Dean."
Dean's back is a vague shape in the darkness. "Whatever. I'm not gonna offer to talk again."
Sam smiles. "I know."
It's full night by the time the get to the hotel. Dean showers and comes back out of the bathroom fully dressed, his hair wet, and goes to his own bed.
"Night, Sam."
In the darkness, Sam hears Sammy, over and over, and smiles. He's not better, and he and Dean aren't perfect, but they have time. He's got hope.
He can wait.
Bonus feature!
Sorry Ladies, They're Taken
Following the passing of California's proposition 8, Supernatural hotties Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles have revealed that art really does imitate life. The two actors are currently involved, and have been since before the show began. Padalecki, 26, granted us an interview.
Entertainment Weekly: How long have the two of you been together?
Jared Padalecki: Oh, man, let me think. It was right after I moved out here for Psych, so...a year and five months? Give or take a few days. Our anniversary's July 2, which Jensen makes fun of me all the time for remembering. But I know he remembers it too and just doesn't want to admit it.
EW: So the two of you were together before Supernatural ever started?
JP: Yeah. I told Jensen to read for Dean because I figured I might as well get paid to make out with him.
EW: Not that Dean and Sam do a lot of making out.
JP: [laughs] I know, right? I've been telling Kripke I want more kissing. And more scenes where Jensen's shirtless.
EW: Can you tell us a little about how the two of you got together?
JP: Honestly, it's not that interesting. We met, we hit it off. We were friends for a couple years, then when I moved up to Vancouver, Jensen asked me out. And I said yes, because, seriously, have you seen Jensen?
EW: And the two of you have been together ever since?
JP: Yeah. We're planning to buy a house next year if Supernatural gets renewed. Our apartment's nice, but the dogs could use more room.
EW: The two of you live together?
JP: Yeah.
EW: You said your decision to come out was influenced by Proposition 8. Can you talk about that?
JP: Absolutely. Jensen's a pretty private guy--there's a reason you never see anything about his relationships. So we're out to all our friends, but as much as we love our fans, we didn't see as it was any of their business whether or not we were together. It's our private lives, you know? But we're both California residents, and registered to vote there, so we've been following Prop 8 pretty religiously. We're definitely planning on getting married some day, and it's always an option in Vancouver, yeah, but we thought it would be for California too.
EW: And now it's not.
JP: Now it's not. And in this kind of environment, we decided--well, it's important. We're not just actors who play gay guys on TV. We're two gay guys who want to get married, and now we can't. Not in our home, close to our families, anyway.
EW: Can you talk to us about your relationship with Alexis Bledel?
JP: What about it?
EW: The two of you had quite a falling out. Was it because of your sexuality?
JP: No, it was because she dumped me for Milo Ventmiglia.
EW: When did you learn you were gay?
JP: When I started dating a guy. Look, I don't see how this matters. I've dated girls. But I've got an amazing boyfriend who I'm totally in love with, and I'm planning on spending the rest of my life with him. That's what matters to me.
EW: Anything else you'd like to say?
JP: Fight against prop 8. It's passed, yeah, but that's not the end. We deserve to be happy. So fight for it.
