(no subject)

[longsufferingly]

Title: My Man Ackles
Author: chash
Fandom: Supernatural RPS
Pairing: Jared Padalecki/Jensen Ackles, Misha Collins/Danneel Harris, Milo Ventimiglia/Danneel Harris, Jared Padalecki/Sandy McCoy
Rating: R
Warnings: WHYYYY.
Word Count: 8300.
Summary: Being a story about Jared Padalecki, his new valet, his school chums Mishmash Collins and Bonzo Ventimiglia, and all that followed when they went into the country.
Notes: FOR sadcypress, WHO IS A DIRTY ENABLER and who also provided the beautiful art. And who agreed to read this with funny voices, which I will not be letting her forget. Draws very heavily from P.G. Wodehouse's brilliant Jeeves and Wooster, among other things.
Disclaimer: Lies and untruths.




It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a valet.

This, in Jared Padalecki's reckoning, was a far more accurate and valid statement than any author's claims about wives and that rot. After all, while getting married and passing on the family name was very well and good, until such time as that was a requirement, there were a number of other concerns of household which a young man of fortune could not be expected to attend to all on his own.

His own father's valet having been snatched up by his older brother, Jared found himself reduced to contacting an agency, who delivered to him a gentleman named Murray.

In only three short hours, Murray proved himself to be a blight upon society and reason, as well as being incapable of mixing even the simplest of cocktails, and Jared was obliged to ask him to leave his employ immediately, and send a strongly worded letter to the agency requesting a valet with a modicum of skill.

And thus it was that Ackles came to him.

*

Ackles is the model valet. In his first day with Jared, he makes a hangover cure that is beyond compare and selects an extremely flattering ensemble for his lunch at the Drones, combining diverse elements which Jared had never considered wearing together. The pained expression he wore at the shirt Jared had chosen for himself was a bit perplexing, but everyone has their foibles, and, as Jared tells his old chum Mishmash Collins three weeks later, after Ackles has already saved him from two women to whom he had no desire to be affianced, he thinks the entire enterprise will work out decidedly in his favor.

"Well that's all well and good," says Mishmash, "but we have bigger problems to deal with."

"What are you talking about?" asks Jared.

"I'm talking about Danneel Harris."

"Danny?" asks Jared. "I love Danny! What about her?"

"You love her?" asks Mishmash. "When you say love, do you mean . . . ?"

"I mean she's one of my oldest friends, and I adore her in a manner that wouldn't get in the way of your proposing, if I read your intention correctly."

"Thank goodness," says Mishmash. "I thought I might have to demand satisfaction."

"My dear Mishmash, you know I'm a lover, not a fighter. Now, tell me all about you and dear old Danny."

The facts, as Mishmash lays them down, are these: Danny Harris, one of, in Jared's humble opinion, the finest girls of their generation, has bewitched old Mishmash, and he can see nothing but her, and she is not opposed to him. Her aunt and guardian, Lady Kelly, however, is on all levels opposed to the union, and has put her foot down that under no circumstances shall poor Mishmash be allowed to darken her halls--specifically, Scoatney Hall, where Danny will be summering.

"I am utterly hopeless," says Mishmash.

"That is rotten luck," Jared agrees.

"I was hoping that an old friend of mine might see fit to help me out in my hour of need. Someone upon whom I can rely."

Jared does not miss his implication. "So I am to understand," he says, "that you wish me to go with you into the wilds of England in order to woo old Danny?"

"That is exactly what I am telling you," says Mishmash.

"Well," says Jared, "it's damn good that I have a valet now to take care of me."

*

"Ackles!"

Ackles glances up from ironing one of Jared's shirts. "Sir?"

"We need to pack immediately. An old school friend of mine is having romantic woes, and he cannot get by without me."

"Indeed, sir?" asks Ackles.

"You don't know me very well yet, Ackles, but as it happens I have unparalleled skills in these matters. At least, when it comes to getting others into engagements."

"You seem adept at getting yourself into engagements as well, sir."

Jared laughs. "In any case will be driving out promptly to visit my Aunt Lauren, who is fortunately close to old Mishmash's goal. Isn't it extraordinary when these things come together?"

"Positively supernatural," says Ackles.

"You'll be happy to meet my Aunt Lauren. Of all my relations, she is the only one who has not tried to kill me."

"Then I will be able to relax while we are under her care."

"Oh, you can't worry about every one of my relations who tries to kill me," says Jared. "Most of them stopped when puberty began and I lost my boyish smallness."

"Indeed, sir."

"Absolutely. Now, I think a small lunch is in order, and then we will leave as soon as possible."

"Very good, sir."

Ackles bobs his head and leaves, and Jared grins. He has no idea how he ever lived without a valet.

*

"Now, Ackles," says Jared, "we will have to be very careful during our stay at Belmont Hall."

"Will we, sir?"

"Tragically that is the case. My Aunt Lauren has recently remarried, and the Lord Bledel's daughter was, upon last sighting, rather enamored of me."

"You do have a way of attracting nubile young ladies," says Ackles.

"There is something about a young man with money that is undeniably attractive to a certain set of women."

"And, perhaps, a young man who fills out his suit so well," mutters Ackles.

"Yes, but it wouldn't be right to toot my own horn like that," says Jared cheerfully. "Although I do have exceptionally well-tailored suits, Ackles, and I'm delighted that you noticed."

"You're very welcome, sir."

"In any case, we will have to be extremely cautious. I have no desire to become engaged to Alexis once again. The first time was horrible enough."

"I'll keep a careful lookout."

"I appreciate it, Ackles."

Ackles leans back in the seat and closes his eyes, looking suddenly very young. Jared cocks his head.

"How old are you, Ackles?"

"Sir?"

"I was just curious. I am accustomed to valets being much older than you."

"Twenty-eight, sir. My father was a valet."

"Family business, eh?"

"Exactly, sir."

"Well, I'm glad you've taken it up. Feel free to rest until we arrive, I'm sure we have a harrowing weekend ahead of us."

"I'm breathless with anticipation," says Ackles, settling back into his seat and closing his eyes again.

Jared is sure that a truly exemplary valet wouldn't sleep on the job, even during a car ride. But he finds that he doesn't mind.

*

"Jared, my dear boy!" says Aunt Lauren as he drives in. "You should have wired sooner, I'd have enough food in the house for you."

Jared laughs and gathers his aunt up in a hug. "I would have, if I had more warning. Ackles and I can always go to the inn if you run too low on provisions."

"Ackles?" asks Aunt Lauren.

Ackles shimmers into existence next to Jared, right on cue.

"My new valet, Ackles. I'm sure I mentioned him in one of my letters," says Jared.

"A pleasure, madam," says Ackles.

"The honor's all mine. Gunn will show you where to take Jared's bags."

"Thank you, madam. Sir, if you'll excuse me."

"Thank you, Ackles. I am rather dirty from the road; if you'll run a bath for me, I'll be up presently."

"As you wish, sir," says Ackles.

"Now," says Aunt Lauren, "tell me what brought you here so suddenly."

"A charming friend of mine, old Mishmash Collins from school, has had the misfortune to fall in love with Lady Kelly's ward."

"Miss Harris?"

"The very same."

"That'll be a tall order. She's engaged to Lord Ventimiglia."

"Bonzo Ventimiglia? Really?"

"Would I lie to you?"

"Not about something so important. But she seems too good for him. No, that won't do."

"You don't have to tell me."

"Well, I'll consult Ackles during my bath."

"Your valet?"

Jared grins. "He's quite exceptional."

Aunt Lauren raises her eyebrows. "I'm sure."

Jared excuses himself and heads upstairs, where Ackles has already prepared the water, with a more than adequate number of bubbles.

"Ackles, please stay here while I am in the bath. I have some consultations to make."

Ackles looks up from the bath, his face flushed from the hot water. "Sir?"

Jared undoes his tie and shrugs off his shirt. "I'm afraid the situation is more complicated than I first thought."

"Is it?"

"Rather," says Jared. "It seems that Danny has already been attached to Bonzo Ventimiglia."

Ackles' professional facade falters. "Bonzo?"

"In school he starred in the play as a pierrot. The nickname stuck, as these boyish names tend to."

"What's yours?" asks Ackles, as Jared gets into the bath. "Sir," he adds hastily.

Jared beams. "That's a story for another day. Now, onto the matter of Bonzo and Danny. This is unacceptable."

"I have no doubt, sir," says Ackles.

"You seem to have a knack for breaking up engagements, so I'm going to need your considerable powers in the matter."

"I'm at your disposal, sir."

Jared stretches. "Pass me my wash cloth, will you?"

"Of course, sir," says Ackles. He hands it over and retreats again.

"You'll have to keep a careful eye on the state of affairs between Danny and young Bonzo. I trust you can find a flaw in their relationship."

"I'll endeavor to do so."

Jared rubs his chin. "I might as well have a shave while I'm at it, don't you think, Ackles? Has my razor been unpacked?"

"Not at present," says Ackles, in a strange tone. Jared turns and sees he's still flushed darkly.

"Are you all right, Ackles? You aren't coming down with something, are you?"

"No, sir. I'll just go and get it."

"Jolly good," says Jared, relaxing into the water. "Bring a towel too," he calls. "I'll just dry off before the shave."

"Of course, sir."

Ackles returns after a few minutes and holds out the towel. Jared rises and takes it, rubbing off his hair as he steps out of the tub. "I might be needing a haircut soon as well," he says, "but another day."

"Mm," says Ackles, sorting out the shaving tack on the other side of the room.

Jared wraps the towel around his waist and sits by the mirror. Ackles is an expert barber--not that Jared has tried his skills at haircuts yet, but his shaves are smooth and impeccable, and Jared is glad he fired that cad Murray before he tried his hand at it.

"I would have feared for my jugular," says Jared.

"Sir?" asks Ackles, lathering up Jared's cheeks.

"That incompetent Murray fellow," says Jared. "I don't think I could have trusted him so close to my throat."

"That would have been unfortunate," says Ackles. He takes up the straight razor. "Sir."

Jared swallows. The air is unexpectedly thick. It's probably the change from the metropolis to the country.

"Is the air thicker in the country, Ackles?"

"Sir?"

"I mean, because there's less pollution."

"That makes it cleaner, sir."

"Ah," says Jared. "Well, that's like thicker."

Ackles leans in to get close by Jared's ear. "Almost indistinguishable, sir."

"Yes," says Jared. "Well."

They finish the shave in silence.

*

As soon as he's bathed and dressed, Jared makes the drive down to Scoatney Hall to meet up with Danny.

The fine girl is waiting for him on the grounds when he arrives, just as lovely as last time he saw her.

"Jerrie! I am told on good authority that you've come to help me."

"Danny, you know you need only ask."

"Or Misha need only ask," says Danny.

"Ask on your behalf. You must tell me everything, of course."

"Of course. Here, walk with me around the grounds."

Jared takes her arm. "Are you really engaged to Bonzo Ventimiglia?"

"Not entirely," says Danny. "He hasn't asked and I haven't agreed, but Aunt Moira has practically set a date."

"What does she have against old Mishmash? He's a stand-up chap!"

"He doesn't have a reliable profession," says Danny. "Oh, of course he's from money, but he's always doing whatever whim takes him. Did you know the other month he built me a table from wood he chopped himself?"

"I don't see the problem, that's very thoughtful of him."

"I thought so! Aunt Moira thinks I shouldn't marry a lumberjack, but I wouldn't be. I'd be marrying a gentleman who knows how to make his own furniture."

"If he were to lose his money, you'd be much better off than with Bonzo."

"I agree, but Aunt Moira will not see reason."

"You'll have to explain all this to Ackles."

"Ackles?"

"My new valet. He's quite brilliant. Saved me from two engagements in three weeks."

"Only you would be engaged twice in three weeks to girls you didn't even like, Jerrie."

"I'm too nice," he says. "It is my fatal flaw. But with Ackles and I, you and old Mishmash are only days away from romantic bliss."

"Danny, are you out here?" asks a girl's voice from somewhere in the house.

"Sandy? Yes, Jared and I are taking a walk, come join us."

"Sandy?" asks Jared.

"A cousin of mine. Or second cousin, I can't remember. Sandra McCoy. She's a nice girl, Jared, you'll like her."

The girl who crosses the lawn towards them is a stunningly pretty girl with a jolly smile, and Jared finds himself immediately warming to the prospect of visiting for much longer.

"You must be the Jared Danny hasn't shut up about," says Sandra. "It's a pleasure."

"The pleasure's all mine, Miss McCoy."

"Sandy, please."

"Sandy. Are you staying long?"

She smiles demurely. "I haven't decided yet. Certainly long enough to see Danny engaged to the right man."

"We have that in common, then," says Jared.

"You wouldn't be opposed to another walk around the grounds, would you?"

"Nothing would please me more," he smiles, offering his arm and ignoring the look that Danny gives him.

"What ho! Padalecki, is that you?" a much less pleasant voice calls across the gardens.

"Bonzo!" says Jared, with a friendliness he does not feel. "Fancy meeting you here!"

"I just thought I'd try to find Danneel for an afternoon ramble, and here I find a whole party." He slides in next to Danneel. "How fare you, my pet?"

Danneel looks somewhat ill, and Jared has to admire her constitution. If Bonzo Ventimiglia called him "my pet," Jared felt sure he would not be able to contain his lunch.

"Milo, I have told you--"

"Say nothing, precious," says Bonzo, putting a finger to her lips. "Your eyes tell me everything I need to know."

"Clearly they don't," says Sandy in a low voice.

"Are you all walking?" asks Bonzo. "What a stroke of luck! I'll just tag along, then. Tally ho!"

"Sandra, won't you walk with me?" asks Danneel. "I have some important matters to discuss with you."

"Of course," says Sandy. "Do excuse me, Jared. I'd love to make a better acquaintance of you later."

"I'll be waiting," says Jared eagerly. The prospect of further conversation with Sandy quite fortifies him against the grim reality of walking the grounds with Bonzo.

"What ho, Padalecki?"

"Rather," says Jared, with a sickly smile.

*

Jared dines chez Kelly, and returns home after dinner to update Ackles with the latest information.

"Bonzo is rather attached to old Danny. Not that I blame him, of course, but one has to think of one's place in life, don't you think?"

"Sir?" asks Ackles.

"I mean, Bonzo's not a prize specimen. Not one of the best of his generation like Danny is. She and Mishmash are on the right level, you see."

"I see," says Ackles stiffly.

"And I think I might find a bit of my own romance here," Jared continues.

"Someone on your level," says Ackles.

"Exactly. Any friend of Danny's, you know. She seemed delightful. Sandra McCoy. Orphaned at a young age, taken in by an aunt of Danny's who was an aunt of hers. Tragic business."

"Indeed, sir. Do you have any other requirements of me for the evening?"

"Oh. I suppose not. If you can lay out my bedclothes and mix me a drink before I retire, you'll be done for the night."

"Very good, sir," says Ackles.

Jared blinks. "What the devil was that about?"

*

In the morning, Ackles is back in top form. He brings Jared his breakfast and helps him into his outfit, and he inquires after Mishmash.

"He'll be staying here and should be arriving at any time. He had business detain him in the metropolis."

"I see, sir."

"And, unless I am very much mistaken, Alexis will also be descending upon us today. I had thought I might remain blessedly unscathed."

"A pity, sir."

"Although, I did have a thought."

"A thought?"

"I was thinking Alexis might be able to help us out of this little jam."

"How so?"

"Well, I was thinking of her, and thought that I wouldn't wish her upon any man."

"A charitable notion, sir," says Ackles.

"And then it occurred to me that I have often had the same thought about Milo. Though, understandably, with the genders reversed."

"Naturally."

"So, if they are both so vile as to not be wished upon one's worst enemy," says Jared, "wouldn't it be fitting to wish them upon each other?"

"There is a certain logic in it, sir."

"I thought so too," says Jared. "If you can work that into your schemes, I should be free to court Sandy without Alexis's interference."

"Of course, sir."

"I might even be able to sort this one out on my own," says Jared. "You wouldn't feel too slighted if I went on without you, would you?"

"Certainly not, sir."

"Take a break. A little time to yourself."

"That's most generous of you, sir."

Jared blinks over his breakfast. "Ackles."

"Sir?"

"You know, I've never liked formality very much."

"I don't follow."

"You could call me Jared."

Ackles looks away. "No, I couldn't."

"I wouldn't mind."

"I would." Ackles busies himself somewhere else in the room. "Sir." He straightens. "Will that be all?"

"I didn't mean to offend you, Ackles."

"You haven't, sir."

"Are you sure?"

"Very sure."

"In that case--yes, that's all, Ackles."

"Very good, sir. If you don't object, I'll be at the river. I have heard the fishing is exceptional."

"Carry on, Ackles."

Ackles bows and leaves, and Jared finishes up his meal. Afterward, he heads downstairs, with the hope of finding his aunt and engaging her for news of any other relatives who might not be currently wishing him dead.

Fate, however, has other plans for him.

"Jared!"

Jared stops cold in his tracks, a shudder as he had been doused in ice water all up and down his back.

"Alexis," he says. "I didn't realize you were back."

"I just came home! I heard you were here and hurried back. You should have told me you were coming."

"Ah, well," says Jared. "Yes."

"I'll forgive you this time," she says sweetly. "But you must promise me you'll pay me embarrassing amounts of attention."

"Ha," says Jared. "I don't suppose you've seen old Mishmash?"

"Mishmash?"

"Misha Collins. We were at school together. He's coming down today."

"I haven't seen him."

"Well, I should go look for him."

"Won't you come eat with me?"

"I've already breakfasted," says Jared. "Pity. I'll have to find you later."

Jared legs it.

*

He hides in the gardens for some time, until he hears a car approach and finds Mishmash in the offing.

"Thank heaven you're here," he says. "I've been skulking about like a prowler trying to keep Alexis from getting her claws on me."

"Alexis?" asks Mishmash, looking somewhat spooked. "Is she here?"

"Yes, but don't worry, I've got a plan for that."

"You? I thought your new valet was handling the plans."

"I was going to have him do it, but I think I should have it all covered," says Jared.

"Really?"

"As I see it, it's very simple," says Jared. "We have three tasks to complete. One, to put you in favor with Lady Kelly."

"Just so," says Mishmash.

"Two, to take Bonzo out of favor with Lady Kelly."

"Go on."

"Three, to put Bonzo and Alexis in favor of each other."

"Bonzo and Alexis? Really?"

"Think of it this way," says Jared. "What better way to free Danny of Bonzo's clutches than to divert his interest elsewhere?"

"There's a logic in what you say, Jared," says Mishmash, nodding his head. "How do we do it?"

"That is the part I have not come to yet," says Jared. "Danny said her aunt's objections were your hobbies?"

"She seems to think I will lose my fortune on a foolish whim."

"Not to sound unsupportive," says Jared, "but that does seem like a legitimate concern."

Mishmash inclines his head. "I have to admit it is."

"Well. That will make it harder to convince her ladyship it isn't. Perhaps, however, what we must do is to simply make her like you long enough to approve the engagement."

"What I want to know," says Mishmash, "is what she sees in Bonzo bloody Ventimiglia."

"He is without redeeming characteristics," Jared agrees. "Maybe Danny will be able to shed some light on that part of the predicament."

"Do you think her aunt will let her see me?"

"I don't think she can stop you. As long as you don't go inside. She only has one hound, and I don't think he's large enough to do you long-term harm."

"I might go over and recite poetry at her window."

"She might not be in her room."

"I'll try all the windows until I get to her."

"I think I'll go speak with Ackles. I fear I offended him this morning. Maybe consulting him will make him feel like he's back in the fold."

"Shall I meet you here for lunch?"

"Please. I could use the protection from Alexis."

Mishmash nods, steels himself for the morning of poetry by any and all windows he encounters, and hies himself to Scoatney Hall.

Jared, for his part, takes himself to the river, in hopes that bringing his gentleman in on the scheme will go some way to easing the strange mood that had overtaken him.

When he comes to the river, however, he finds himself in rather unsettling circumstances.

Ackles has, with the exception of a few too dry remarks and odd moments, been an exemplary valet--a paragon even, the kind of valet who makes one look up and think That is how a gentleman's gentleman should be. He is remarkably put together, and professional to a fault.

Now, Ackles is standing in the water. To facilitate this, he has taken off his shoes and socks and rolled up his trousers to the knee. He has shed his coat and his sleeves are rolled to the elbows. His braces are off his shoulders, dangling next to his legs. He looks happy--a genuine smile on his face, crinkling around his eyes.

Jared loses his breath.

Ackles is what a man should be now, and he is well put together not sartorially, but physically, and Jared is shocked by how much it affects him.

He had been planning to give a greeting and a wave, but all he manages is a feeble sort of quacking noise, which nevertheless attracts Ackles' attention.

He turns, his eyes widen, the carefree expression falls from his face, and he falls into the river.

"Ackles!" says Jared, rushing over.

Ackles pulls himself out of his water, and Jared does a valiant job not looking at the way his shirt now clings translucently to his skin.

"Sir, you're ruining your--"

"Shut up, Ackles, and let me help you up."

Ackles, ever the obedient servant, obeys. In a second, they're standing in the water together.

"Now we're both soaked," says Ackles. "I apologize, sir."

"I didn't mean to startle you," says Jared. "I just wanted your advice."

"Think nothing of it," says Ackles. "We should get inside and replace your clothes."

Jared wrinkles his nose. "Surely just the trousers."

Ackles shrugs on his his braces and buttons up his shirt with a pained expression. "Sir, you have to coordinate."

"Oh, fine," says Jared. "But you should get changed first, you took it much worse than I did."

"If you insist, sir."

"I do."

Ackles sighs. "I'll attend to you in your room directly, sir, if you'll wait there."

"With bells on."

Ackles looks at him for a minute and then shakes his head. "Very good, sir."

*

"What is it," says Jared, "that someone like Lady Kelly sees in young Bonzo as a potential mate for her ward."

"I could not say, sir," says Ackles. "I haven't hard the pleasure of either's acquaintance."

"In Bonzo's case, I wouldn't call it a pleasure. Lady Kelly has her good and bad days, but on the whole one doesn't regret the whole knowledge of her existence."

"I see, sir," says Ackles.

"No, there's nothing to be done. You will have to accompany me to Scoatney Hall to see the entire situation for yourself."

"I understood you had it well in hand, sir."

"Not as well as might have been hoped, though of course if you are attached to your own plans--"

"Not at all, sir," says Ackles quickly. "As always, I am at your disposal."

A sudden wave of heat passes through Jared's stomach at the words, and he is at a loss to account for it.

*

"This is Ackles," says Jared, waving his arm to encompass the whole of his valet.

Danny looks him up and down, a little too long for Jared's comfort. "And brains too?" she asks, smiling at Jared.

"Nothing but brains," says Jared. "Coming out his ears."

"Not literally, I hope," says Danny.

"Only on my bad days, miss," says Ackles.

She laughs.

"Where's old Mishmash?" asks Jared, overcome by a sudden desire to remind Danny of her beloved.

"Attempting to charm my aunt with his poetry. I'm mad about him, don't doubt it, but his verse is not the way to any woman's heart. And her ladyship hates poetry."

"You didn't tell him to skip it?" asks Jared.

"I did, but he was just going around to every window and she was a willing audience. I believe she sent one of the servants for rotten fruit."

Jared glances over Ackles' shoulder. "I believe she did. Here, Mishmash, what's the matter?" he asks, gesturing him over.

"Her ladyship is not a patron of the arts," says Mishmash. "Hello, angeldove," he says to Danny. "Floppy," he says to Jared, which warrants a raise of eyebrows from Ackles. "And you must be the new valet."

"At your service, sir," says Ackles.

"Pleasure," says Mishmash absently. "After your distinguished aunt made a salad on my person," he tells Danny, "she said that you and Bonzo were to be married posthaste."

"You're making it worse," says Danny, groaning.

"I only wanted to serenade you."

"Once you've wooed a girl, you don't have to serenade her anymore."

"It's not very romantic of you," says Mishmash. "You don't want us to become one of those boring married couples, do you?"

"I think there's little danger of that, Mishmash."

"I did come up with one possible solution," says Danny. "Very simple."

"Oh?" says Jared. "Do tell."

"My aunt is fond of postprandial strolls through the garden, often staying out until quite late. If, on one of these rambles, she were to be set upon by an assailant, only to have Misha jump in and save the day."

"When was the last time you saw an assailant here?" asks Jared.

"Oh," says Danny sweetly, "that is where you come in."

Jared blanches. "Where I come in? You want me to assault her ladyship?"

"You would wear a mask, of course."

"And walk around on my knees? I don't think there's anyone else in the county as tall as I."

"If I may," says Ackles.

"Please," says Jared, "talk them out of this madness."

"Would you characterize Lord Ventimiglia as a romantic?"

Danny lets out an unladylike snort. "He'd like to be."

"Perhaps," says Ackles, "he could be persuaded to assault her ladyship."

"For romance?" asks Jared. "Ackles, I believe you may have lost your touch."

"Miss Harris," says Ackles, inclining his head to her, "will tell Lord Ventimiglia that she would like to meet him by moonlight."

"And the mask?"

Ackles shrugs. "A certain romantic propensity toward masquerade."

"Why would he attack Aunt Moira?" asks Danny.

"That is where Lord Padalecki enters into the scenario," says Ackles, and Jared wishes that Ackles would just call him by his name. He hates being called Lord Padalecki. "He will scare Lord Ventimiglia into Lady Kelly, at which point Lord Collins will save her."

"Won't Milo put the scheme together?" asks Danny.

"Not old Bonzo," says Mishmash. "All the brains of a dead frog, that one."

Jared reluctantly must admit that this is the case.

"I imagine that Lady Kelly will be so incensed as to not listen to reason in any case," says Ackles, "and will, I believe, ask Lord Ventimiglia to leave her premises."

"Killing two birds with one stone!" exclaims Danny. "It's perfect."

"How am I supposed to scare Milo into accidentally assaulting a member of the nobility?"

"Oh Jerrie," says Danny, patting his arm. "You're so clever, I'm sure you'll come up with something."

*

His remarkable kindness, Jared decides, is why he finds himself that night in her ladyship's garden, up a tree, attempting to make a noise like a lion.

He manages a kind of pathetic mewling growl, and Bonzo doesn't even seem to notice. He shakes the branch in what he hopes is a menacing manner, which at least elicits a response.

He roars a little, in the manner that he imagines a lion would roar. He has seen pictures in magazines.

Bonzo seems to be spooked now, but not sufficiently that he will go crashing through the gardens and run into her ladyship and Danny, who will be walking by in precisely three minutes.

He should have planted the seeds at dinner--Ah, Bonzo, did you know that a lion escaped from the local zoo? Frightful business.--but, alas, it's too late for that now. Instead, he inches forward on the branch, making it rustle more. Bonzo looks around wildly, clearly unnerved, but says nothing.

"How's it going then?" asks a voice from behind him, and Jared lets out a distinctly unlionly squeak.

"Mishmash! What are you doing up here?" he hisses.

"I could ask you the same. You're supposed to be scaring him, not spying on him."

"I am," says Jared moodily. "I am being a lion."

"Well, pounce or something! I can't very well save them from his looking confused."

Jared is wearing one of Danny's stockings over his face, so as to keep from being recognized, but he'd still hoped that he wouldn't have to actually approach Bonzo.

Mishmash gives him a shove, and Jared squawks again and falls out of the tree and onto Bonzo.

"What is the meaning of this?" asks Bonzo. "Who are you? I demand--"

"Milo?" asks her ladyship's voice. "Is that you?"

"I've been attacked!" says Milo.

"Oh you poor lamb!" says her ladyship, and Mishmash takes that moment to drop out of the tree next to Jared.

"Unhand him, villain!" says Mishmash.

Jared groans, hunches over, and legs it.

*

"You'll need to do most of the work here, Ackles," says Jared. "I'm afraid the fall has limited my abilities to bathe myself."

"Of course, sir," says Ackles.

"Bonzo is quite bony. Not the soft landing one would have wished for."

"I suppose not, sir."

"If something had growled at you from a tree, you would have assumed it was a lion, wouldn't you?"

Ackles pauses in running the bath. "A lion?"

"Yes. Help me out of these clothes."

"Of course, sir."

"I mean to say," says Jared, "I would be very frightened of the possibility of a lion."

"I understand they are quite the menace in this area, sir."

"Exactly," says Jared. He sighs. "I fear we only managed to make the situation worse."

"How so, sir?"

Jared eases himself into the bath. "I believe her ladyship was simply concerned for young Bonzo's health."

"I see, sir."

"Well, tomorrow's another day and all that. As the poet said, if at first you don't succeed, et cetera, et cetera."

"Precisely, sir."

"Make sure you scrub my back well, won't you? I believe some bark was embedded in there."

"Right," says Ackles, almost under his breath, and Jared leans back into his touch.

*

"It's worse than I could have imagined," Mishmash groans. "She's so worried about her poor lamb. She wants Danny to tend to him at all times."

"Most unfortunate," says Jared.

"It's a disaster! What if that horrible Florence Nightingale effect befalls her and she thinks she actually likes him?"

"All he'll have to do it talk and she'll see reason again," Jared points out.

"What are we going to do?" asks Mishmash.

"Sir," says Ackles, appearing at his elbow. "If I may?"

"Yes?"

"I took the liberty of sending Miss Bledel over to Scoatney Hall to relieve Miss Harris of her watch."

"Do you think that will work?"

"I thought you'd be happy to be rid of her."

"Just so, Ackles. Thank you."

"Don't mention it," says Ackles. "Sir."

"Now," says Jared, turning his attention to Mishmash, "all we have to do is sew the seeds of affection."

"How?"

"I'm working on it," says Jared. "Why can't horrible people just recognize their own and instantly feel attraction?"

"It's a mystery," says Mishmash.

*

As a reward for selflessly putting himself out for the sake of others' loves, Jared decides that he has earned some time on his own project--that is, becoming better acquainted with Sandra McCoy.

"Jared!" she says delightedly. "I see you came out of last night's encounter much easier than Milo."

"Not so loud," says Jared, grinning at her. "I wouldn't want anyone to suspect. Is Danny still in with him?"

"He refused to take Miss Bledel as her relief," says Sandy.

"Is she here?" asks Jared, spooked.

"Yes, somewhere around. Are you frightened?"

"I believe she still wants to marry me."

"You could say no."

"Ah," says Jared. "I'm too kind. I can't bear to break young ladies' hearts."

"So if I were to tell you we were engaged, you would simply agree?"

"Exactly," says Jared. "I would be completely at your mercy." He screws his courage to the sticking place. "In fact, you'd be doing me a favor. After all, I can only be engaged to one person at a time."

"Then maybe we should be engaged."

"I'd appreciate it very much," he says, unable to keep a grin off his face.

"You're quite romantic, Lord Padalecki."

"I have been told."

"Now, how to make matters as easy for Danny and Misha," says Sandy, sighing. "I don't suppose your man Ackles had any bright ideas?"

"He'll be having fish for breakfast, I think that should stimulate his brain. I'll be checking in on him in a moment."

"You wanted to see me first?"

"I did," admits Jared.

"Well, you have, and rather successfully, so I will go and see if I cannot convince Milo that Danny must have a break from his company, and you can consult your valet."

"Very good," says Jared, and positively skips home.

*

"Good news, Ackles. I'm engaged."

Ackles stills his hands on the ironing. "I take it not to Miss Bledel."

"Dash it, no. To Sandra McCoy."

"I suppose congratulations are in order."

"You're right they are," says Jared. "Not only am I an engaged to a beautiful, vivacious girl, but as long as that is the case I cannot be engaged to Alexis."

"Well done, sir."

Jared glances over at Ackles. "You don't seem pleased."

"As a valet, I am never supposed to seem anything, sir."

"Oh. Well, it's strange."

"You have had a valet before, sir."

"Yes, but I never liked them very much. You're a stand-up fellow."

"Thank you, sir. It's kind of you to say. Although," he says, "with your upcoming nuptials I will not be in your employ much longer."

Jared blinks. "Really?"

"Most young ladies prefer less intimate staff," says Ackles.

"Oh," says Jared. "Well."

He likes Sandy, of course, but he hadn't thought of the serious lifestyle change marriage would necessitate.

Hm.

"What do valets do about marriage, Ackles?"

"The same thing as everyone else," says Ackles.

"But you can't have many opportunities to find a girl."

"No, sir."

"Unless you're visiting a great house like this, full of maids and scullery girls and the like."

"Indeed, sir."

"Any here to sway your eye?"

"No, sir."

The response is so quick and so decisive that Jared looks up. "Oh. Well. Good."

Ackles nods. "Is that all, sir?"

"There is still the matter of what is to be done for Mishmash and Danny. I don't supposed you've had any sudden brainstorms."

"I did hear from the housekeeper at Scoatney that Lady Kelly has a dog upon which she dotes."

"Chad," says Jared with a shudder. "Even I, a lover of all flora and fauna, have difficulty finding any advantage to that dog."

"Nevertheless," says Ackles, "she is quite attached."

"At the hip, nearly."

"Exactly. Were the dog to escape, I can imagine she would be quite distraught."

"Beside herself, to be sure."

"And, I would assume, anyone who was to return the creature would be something of a hero to her."

"Worthy of canonization."

"Well then," says Ackles.

"Are you proposing we pinch the pup?"

"You have caught my drift."

"And then Mishmash will return it and be the hero of the hour."

"Exactly, sir."

"Well," says Jared. "That's quite brilliant, Ackles."

"Thank you, sir."

"Who's going to do the dognapping?"

"It will have to be someone familiar with the house, and with the dog." Ackles cocks his head.

"You mean me," says Jared flatly.

"It's very kind of you to volunteer, sir."

Jared groans. "What am I going to do with the blasted thing?"

"Lady Graham does have a potting shed, doesn't she?"

"She does."

"Well then," says Ackles.

Jared sighs. "Very well. Carry on, Ackles."

"Thank you, sir."

*

Kidnapping a dog is not as easy as Jared would have believed.

Jared considers himself a friend to all of god's creatures, but Chad seems to consider himself a friend to none, and once Jared has spirited him away under the cover of darkness and one of his bedsheets and deposited him in Aunt Lauren's shed, his ankles and wrists have suffered some bites.

"At least they'll be covered by my sleeves," he mutters, as Ackles cleans them out.

"Truly a silver lining," says Ackles. He has Jared's wrist in his hands, his touch soft. He glances over, and Jared is struck by him, as if for the first time. His eyes are a piercing shade, green and flecked with gold, and his gaze is steady on Jared. There's a spray of freckles on his nose, and Jared can follow them over his face, everywhere. His lips would, taken on their own, seem to fit better on a girl, dark and plush as they are, but Jared has trouble separating them from the whole that is Ackles. Jared's breath hitches. "Let me know if I'm hurting you," Ackles continues.

"Yes," says Jared faintly.

One had, of course, at school, dallied around with other fellows. It was expected at all-boys' schools, after all; no other options, and one did have needs.

But it had never been a need for Jared at school. It had been something to pass the time and satisfy necessary biological urges. Of course, some of his schoolchums had been more appealing than others, but nothing had ever taken residence in his gut and filled him with want and heat.

"Sir?" asks Ackles. "The bandages are done."

"Yes," says Jared. "Thank you, Ackles. That will be all."

*

"Is it true you're engaged to Sandra McCoy?" asks Alexis the next morning at breakfast.

"Hm?" says Jared. He was embarrassed to realize that his thoughts had been full of Ackles since waking, with nary a glimpse of his fiancee. "Oh. Yes."

"But you barely know her. Don't you think you and I would be a far better match? Remember how we talked about the stars?"

As Jared recalls, Alexis once told him that the stars looked like a pearl necklace spilled onto an inkwell, and he said, "Ah, rather," and that was the end of the conversation.

"Ah, rather," he says, as it had worked so well the last time.

"Surely you want to leave off your engagement to her," says Alexis, slipping her arm into his.

Jared almost does, not because of Alexis, but because of Ackles, and that alone is enough to make him start away from her.

"I'm afraid not," says Jared. I'm quite devoted to her."

"Sir," says Ackles, gliding up to his side. "A wire for you."

"Thank you, Ackles," says Jared, grinning widely. Ackles looks somewhat dazed.

The wire is from Jared's Aunt Samantha, and he feels his blood run cold. Where Aunt Lauren is all that anyone could wish for in an aunt, sunshine and light and support, Aunt Samantha is a terror on earth, whose very word brings a blight upon what is good and right.

He opens the telegram with a certain sense of dread.

It's worse than he imagined.

JARED STOP

HAVE BEEN INFORMED YOU ARE ENGAGED STOP

CANNOT BELIEVE THE DEPTHS OF YOUR STUPIDITY STOP

END IT IMMEDIATELY YOU DAFT MORON FULL STOP

"Well," says Jared.

"Sir?"

Jared glances around. Alexis has evaporated somewhere, which is for the best. "My Aunt Samantha somehow heard of my engagement. She is not pleased."

"I'm shocked to hear it."

"She believes it would be for the best if I did not allow myself to enter into the gene pool at this time. Possibly at any time. I don't think she's sure yet. She is waiting to see how I turn out."

"I see, sir."

"What I don't understand is who told her."

Ackles shrugs. "I could not say, sir."

"It was only a matter of time."

"Very pragmatic. Also, sir, if I might suggest, Chad will need to be fed."

"It's true, much as I would like to see him starve to death. Have you heard anything from Scoatney?"

"Her ladyship is by all reports quite distraught."

"Excellent. Not that I am one to take delight in the pain of others, but the expression about omelets comes to mind."

"You can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs?"

"Just so, Ackles. I'll go check on the menace."

"Very good, sir."

Jared hopes that his eggs and sausage will bring Chad around to his side and make him forget that Jared's extremities look good enough to eat. Alas, this is not the case, and Jared finds himself in no short time hoping around with an angry terrier trying to gnaw off his foot and, if he is not very much mistaken, deriving some sexual pleasure from it.

He is in the process of shaking Chad off his foot and into a rack of shovels when he hears a scream of horror.

Sandy is at the door, with Mishmash behind her.

"Jared! How could you!" She runs over to the accursed creature and gathers it in her arms, cooing at it. "Misha, we must take him back to her ladyship, she's beside herself!"

She transfers Chad to Mishmash's waiting arms, and then stalks up to Jared.

"I don't know what your plan was here, but I cannot believe you would stoop to involving a helpless animal in your schemes. And then injuring him! I'm just glad that Ackles told me where you were so I could see your true colors."

"Sandy, I--"

"No. There's no excuse for hurting that sweet little puppy. This engagement is over, Mr. Padalecki."

And with that, she storms off.

Jared wants to feel upset, but instead, the old noggin is working double time.

It was unnecessary, to any part of the plan, that Sandy should have been with Mishmash, and it was Ackles who sent her. Ackles does not do things in error. Ackles had been clearly distressed by Jared's desire to wed her, and the thought had been enough to crack the professional calm.

In fact, Jared reasons, all the cracks that have ever appeared in Ackles' professional calm have been when Jared was in a compromising position.

Well, that's certainly interesting.

*

When Jared emerges from the shed, the house is abuzz.

"Jerrie!" says Danny, delight in her voice. "It's wonderful! Aunt Moira is delighted with Misha, and she says we are to be married at our whim." She makes a face. "She does want your hide tanned, though, so I suggest you go back to London as soon as possible."

"Wonderful," Jared mutters, and then smiles. "I am happy for the two of you, Danny."

She embraces him fondly. "We owe you terribly. I don't know how we'll be able to thank you."

"Direct me to Ackles and keep anyone else from finding me and we can call it a good start."

She laughs. "Ackles is packing the car. He told your aunt that you had urgent business in the metropolis."

"I love that man," says Jared, and hies it to the car, limping only slightly from his many dog-related injuries.

*

"Ackles, you'll have to drive."

"Sir?"

"Well," says Jared, "I must tend to my new wounds sometime, and now would seem to be then. You can drive, can't you?"

"Yes sir."

"Is there anything you can't do?"

"Nothing you've asked so far, sir."

"Jolly good," says Jared, taking off his shoe to inspect his ankle as Ackles starts the car.

"I assume events worked out satisfactorily for you, sir?" asks Ackles.

"Almost."

"Sir?"

"Well, you know, I rather liked Miss McCoy."

He watches Ackles out of the corner of his eye, but the facade gives nothing away. "And?"

"And she broke it off."

"I had no idea, sir."

"Really. She said you sent her to the shed with Mishmash."

"I thought her ladyship would be more convinced if there was a witness to the rescue."

"She told me in no uncertain terms that anyone capable of doing such a thing to a harmless animal was no one she wanted to associate with."

"Indeed, sir? I apologize."

"I can't help but wonder about that."

"What about, sir?"

"I think you knew she would disapprove."

"Of course not, sir."

"Hm," says Jared.

"Hm, sir?"

"Yes. Hm I said and hm I meant."

"If you are unhappy with any of my conduct during this trip, sir, I--"

"Do you think this is infected?"

Ackles looks over from the road. "No, sir."

"Excellent."

"Are you unhappy with my services?"

"No, Ackles. You have been a paragon of valetetry."

"It's very kind of you to say, sir."

"Valetion? Valetness?"

"Valeting, sir."

"Valeting."

"Thank you, sir."

"Remind me, Ackles, when we return to London I have a matter to address with you."

"Sir?"

"Nothing to worry about," says Jared brightly. "Just a trifling matter."

"Very good, sir."

Not yet, Jared thinks, but it will be.

*

"Run a bath, Ackles."

"You don't wish to discuss the matter to which you alluded earlier, sir?"

"I can do it from the bath."

"Very good, sir."

Jared shrugs off his shirt, watches as Ackles' eyes cut toward him.

"I just can't shrug the idea that something more sinister happened with my engagement."

"An accident, I assure you."

"It is good for you, isn't it?"

"What, sir?"

"My not getting married. Keeps you in a job." He kicks off his trousers.

"I appreciate your concern for my well being, sir, however, the agency would doubtless find a new placement for me."

"I'm sure," says Jared, crowding in close to Ackles by the bath. "However."

Ackles stiffens, his entire posture board-like. "Sir, I--"

"I suspect that you like me, Ackles," says Jared, very close to Ackles' ear.

"Sir, what are you--"

"Do you like me, Ackles?"

There's a long pause, but Ackles does not move away.

"I won't mind if you do," says Jared, letting his hand drift down to find hardness in Ackles' trousers. Ackles groans and bucks into the touch, relaxing against Jared. "In fact, I'll be delighted."

"I like you very much," says Ackles. "Sir."

Jared pulls Ackles back into his own hardness, marveling at the feel of the body against him. "Jared," he says, into Ackles' ear.

"Jared," repeats Ackles hoarsely.

Jared dips his hand into Ackles' trousers, rubbing over the length of him. "And you are?" he asks, with a nip to Ackles' ear.

"Jensen."

"Jensen," Jared repeats.

"You're very good at this, si--Jared."

"I did go to Eton," says Jared.

"One does hear things," says Jensen, grinding his backside against Jared.

"You could get yourself undressed, you know."

"I thought it would be novel if you did it for me."

"A gentleman undressing his valet?" says Jared, giving Jensen a hard jerk. "What would the neighbors say?"

"Shut up, sir."

"Jared."

"Fine," says Jensen. "Shut up, Jared."

"If you insist," says Jared, and gets down to business, twisting his hand over Jensen's cock as Jensen moans and writhes against him. The way his neatly pressed trousers brush against Jared's own dick is driving him crazy, and it's a relief for him as well when Jensen comes and turns around to administer to Jared's own obvious needs.

"I think," says Jensen, pushing Jared up against the wall with a smile, "that I'd like your cock in my mouth, sir."

Jared is about to correct him, but he sees the teasing in Jensen's eyes and meets it with his own grin. "Well then. Carry on, Ackles."