THE WORST CROSSOVER IN THE WORLD

[longsufferingly]

chash ...man, that was super confusing
the first panel of today's Mary Worth says "Jensen, step on it!" and I was just scrolling by it and got pinged
synergic is jensen a cop or a ... whoever the fuck they're shooting at
chash I can't even tell
I'm going to assume that is an unrelated truck that Jared Padalecki is driving
and he is telling Jensen to make with the road head
which means this is the best Mary Worth ever
synergic ... yes it would be
now write THAT crossover
chash JENSEN AND JARED ARE THE NEW GUYS AT WHEREVER MARY WORTH LIVES
CLEARLY THEY ARE MEANT TO BE
BUT THEY DON'T REALIZE IT
MARY MUST MEDDLE!!
also one of them has an alcoholic stalker
synergic CHARTERSTONE, WHAT KIND OF FAN ARE YOU
.....god I hate myself
chash when i write this fic, I will credit you with telling me what the name of her complex
actually I will probably just C&P this conversation


"Mary!" said Toby, rushing toward Mary with far too much speed, given how close she was to the pool.

"Slow down, Toby!" said Mary. "You'll break your neck."

"Mary, have you heard?"

"What?"

"The condo association is allowing two single young men to move in."

"I had heard," said Mary. "Why are you so upset?"

Toby leaned close. "You aren't concerned this is a cover for--homosexuality?"

"Toby," said Mary, ready to give a strong chastisement. "We must be accepting of all ways of life here at Charterstone. And I don't think we should judge these young men until we have met them. Perhaps they truly are nothing but friends."

Toby sighed. "I just think it's going to bring changes."

Mary laid a consoling hand on Toby's shoulder. "A wise man once said that change can be good," Mary said. "We must embrace it, Toby."

"Oh Mary, you are right, as always. I'll make a casserole to welcome them!"

"That's the spirit!"

*

"This is the worst idea you've ever had," said Jensen.

"It is not," scoffed Jared.

"Worst idea not involving Chad."

Jared considered. "Possibly. But, dude, we haven't moved in yet."

"Jared. Have you seen the people who live in this condo? Their website is all about cooking and garden parties. This is going to be the worst bachelor pad in the history of the universe."

"Girls love garden parties," said Jared. "We'll look classy."

"There aren't enough garden parties in the world to make you classy, dude," said Jensen.

"Fuck you." He grinned and slung an arm around Jensen. "Cheer up, dude. We're going to have fun."

*

Mary preheated the oven to 350 degrees and then began to assemble her ingredients. She found her largest saucepan and began to boil the water for her noodles. she assembled the rest of her ingredients--the tuna, the soup, the mayonnaise, the milk, the cheese, the olives, the celery, the onion, and the lemon zest--and mixed them together, whistling as she did it. She thought of Jeff, wondered what he was doing now. She should make him a casserole too.

She mixed in her noodles, timing it perfectly for when the oven had heated up. She poured her casserole into the dish and sprinkled almonds atop it, and put it into the oven, setting her timer for thirty-five minutes.

"There is no joy as great as a job well done," said Mary, smiling in a most satisfied manner.

She would be more than prepared for her new neighbors.

*

Toby's casserole also looked delicious, and was vegetarian, for which Mary was grateful. What a gaffe it would have been if they had both made the same kind of casserole! Mary might have never recovered from the shame.

She knocked sharply on the door, sending a smile to the still-nervous Toby. After all, there was no reason at all to suspect anything ill of the new arrivals.

"What the fuck is that?" said one voice from inside.

"The door, douchebag! Get it!"

"No way, I'm touching my nose!"

"You are not! And you're closer!"

"Fuck you!"

"Fuck you!"

Toby gave Mary a look, as if to say she had known all along, and their property values would never recover.

Mary worked hard to hold on to her optimism, but it was proving difficult.

*

Jared lost rock-paper-scissors, told Jensen he was a cockmonger, and opened the door to find a little old lady and a scandalized socialite.

"Hi," he said, pasting on his widest, flirtiest smile, the one that said I have dimples and I know how to use them. "You must be the new neighbors."

"Who is it, d--" Jensen started, brushing dust out of his hair as he came in from the other room. He spotted the visitors before he finished whatever profane and inappropriate thing he was going to say. "Hi," he said instead.

"Hello," said the old woman, recovering. "I'm Mary Worth, and this is Toby. We're the welcome wagon."

"I'm Jared Padalecki, this is my best friend, Jensen. It's a pleasure to meet y'all," said Jared, as Texas-charming as he could manage.

"A pleasure," Jensen repeated.

"We made you casserole," said Mary.

Jared, for some reason, felt compelled to ask for way more details of the casserole than he wanted. He resisted.

"That's very kind of you," said Jensen. "We appreciate it."

"They're made with love."

Just then, Harley barked and skidded into the room, running up to sniff at the casseroles and the newcomers.

"I thought you locked them in the bedroom," Jared hissed at Jensen.

"I did, Sadie probably figured out how to use a doorknob," Jensen hissed back.

"Dogs?" asked Toby faintly.

"They're real sweethearts," said Jared, pulling Harley away. "And they love casserole."

"I see," said Mary tartly.

Jared could already tell this was going to be great.

*

"This is a disaster!" said Toby. "They aren't just homosexuals, they're hooligans!"

"Calm down, Toby," said Mary. "They're simply in need of guidance."

"That dog was the size of a horse. Charterstone will turn into a zoo off immorality!"

"Judge not lest you be judged," Mary said sagely.

"And did you hear their language?"

"Toby," said Mary. "The most beautiful of souls can be found in the most tarnished of packings. We must give them a chance."

*

"I am not going to that old lady's condo," hissed Jared. "She smelled like death."

"I don't want to either! But if she doesn't like us, we'll get kicked out!"

"Good! The whole place smells like death."

"This was your idea in the first place!"

Jared glared. "Well, she's scary. And smells like death. So now I have regrets. Happy?"

"Over the moon. We're going anyway."

"I hate you," said Jared.

*

Her tea with Jared and Jensen was, Mary had to say, most enlightening.

"How long have the two of you been together?" she asked, smiling into hear teacup. She had not dealt with many homosexuals first-hand, but she was surprised to find them rather endearing.

"We met in college," said Jared, grinning. "Haven't been able to get rid of him."

"Oh, f--shut up," said Jensen. "Like you could survive on your own. You'd forget to buy food and your dogs would eat you."

"Don't talk s--bad about my dogs," Jared shot back.

"And are the two of you very in to the gay rights scene?" she asked. Mary did love a cause.

Jared and Jensen froze. "What?" asked Jared.

"We're not gay," said Jensen. "We're just--best friends."

"We like girls," added Jared.

"We just live together."

"As friends."

"With dogs."

"Friends with dogs."

"And girlfriends."

"Just not right now."

Mary smiled, leaning back into her seat. Apparently it wasn't only ladies who could protest too much. And she'd found a wonderful and socially progressive new project.

*

"Another pool party?" asked Jensen, groaning.

"I think Mary's hot for my bod."

"One, no one says that," said Jensen. "Two, no one would ever be hot for anyone who said that. Three, she's like a cougar's mom. That's disgusting."

"I didn't say I was hot for hers," Jared pointed out. "Just that she clearly has good taste."

"She thinks you're gay for me."

"Well, who wouldn't be?" asked Jared, wrapping his arms around Jensen's stomach and propping his chin on Jensen's shoulder. "You're so pretty, baby." He thrust his hips against Jensen's ass and gave him a smacking kiss on the cheek.

"You're a fucking dick, Padalecki."

"Don't worry, someday I'll assfuck you for real."

"My hero."

"Seriously though," said Jared, "how many pool parties do they need? Us and Toby are the only people here under fifty."

"And her husband is the fugliest dude ever to live," Jensen pointed out.

"Man, can you imagine how fugly their kids are gonna be?"

"Jesus, no, I don't want to. Ugh."

"Something to think about through the party," Jared pointed out.

Jensen gave him the finger.

*

Jared was fairly terrified to be alone in Mary's condo, partly because, all joking aside, he was not into uber-cougars, and she might be into him. He was hot stuff. He wouldn't blame her. But it would be gross.

Luckily for Jared, when he arrived at Mary's apartment, she mostly just wanted to ask him about his past and feed him things that Jared was only 90% sure were food. Jensen might have thought of him as a human garbage disposal, but even he had lines.

So Jared ended up describing his failed relationships (awkward), his current love life (pretty pathetic), and his relationship with Jensen (probably the best aspect of his life), and eating some brown goop that was either soup or pudding or both.

He really might've preferred her being a cougar, all told.

*

"You let her get in your head!" said Jensen. "Dude, you never let the crazy old ladies get in your head. She's going to start fucking with you."

"What the hell was I supposed to do? Dude, she invited me over for--food of some kind. I don't know what the shit I ate, actually."

"This is your problem. You got lured into her lair, ate her food, and now you're never going to be able to leave. You're fucking Persephone."

Jared stared for a moment. "Really?" he finally said. "That's where you went? There?"

"Fuck you," said Jensen. "If you marry Mary Worth, I'm not being your best man. I'm fleeing the country."

"Wait til she invites you over," Jared grumbled. "You'll see."

*

Jared was sunning himself by the pool, Harley's head on his stomach, his feet in the water, feeling pretty damn smug because now Jensen was stuck in the cougar's lair, and Jared was free as a bird.

Of course, fate took Jared's satisfaction and happiness as a personal affront, and gave him Lara.

"Excuse me," said a sweet, if slightly creepy voice. Jared glanced over.

"Yeah?"

"I'm looking for Mary Worth," said the girl. She was mousy and sort of pretty, Jared guessed, but she had this vibe that just turned him off.

Still, any excuse to go see how Jensen was doing with Mary. "Yeah, sure, I can take you up."

The girl smiled. "I appreciate it, good sir."

Jared ignored the warning bells. It was probably just Mary's pudding/soup/death meal rumbling around in his digestive system.

*

It was clear to Mary from only a few minutes' conference with Jared and Jensen that the two best friends were made for each other. Her intuition for these things was never wrong.

"Seconds?" she asked, smiling beatifically at Jensen.

"Oh, I couldn't possible," said Jensen. "I'm stuffed."

"You could take some home for Jared," she suggested.

Jensen's eyes lit up at the thought of being able to do something for his best friend. "You know, I think he'd love that."

Mary beamed and began dishing up some leftovers for Jensen to bring to his man. She was interrupted by the door.

"Why, who could that be, I wonder?" she said, wiping her hands on her apron and opening the door.

"Hey, Ms. Worth," said Jared, with a winning smile. "This young lady needed help finding you."

Jared crossed into the room to talk to Jensen, but Mary was almost hypnotized by the woman in front of her, the familiarity there but impossible to place.

"Hello, Ms. Worth," said the young woman. "I believe you knew my uncle. Aldo Kelrast."

Mary gasped.

*

"So that was weird, right?" said Jared.

Jensen stared at him. "No. You bringing some chick in who accused Mary Worth of causing her alcoholic, stalker uncle to drive his car off the road was completely normal."

Jared sighed. "Yeah, totally fucked up."

"Mary looked pretty freaked."

"On the bright side," Jared said, sitting up, "maybe she'll leave us alone now."

"God fucking willing."

*

"Hello, Jared."

"Argh!" said Jared.

Lara Kelrast smiled at him from the bushes. "I was looking a--for you."

"Uh," said Jared. He was sweaty, and smelly, and mostly just wanted to shower. "Why?"

"We didn't get a chance to talk the other day."

"No, you were busy, uh. Accusing Mary of manslaughter. Or maybe assisted suicide. I don't really--yeah."

She laughed. "I wouldn't want that to get in the way of us, Jared."

Jared blinked. "Yeah. That would be terrible. I have to go."

Jared was really thankful that Charterstone had good, sturdy locks on the doors.

*

"So you need to start dating me," said Jared.

"What?" asked Jensen.

"That Lara chick is following me around. She was in the back seat of my car yesterday."

"So you need a big, strong man to protect you."

"Also, Mary keeps putting stuff about gay sex in our mailbox."

"That's Mary?" asked Jensen.

"Mary's the gay sex, Toby's the find Jesus."

"So you're getting peer-pressured into dating me?" asked Jensen.

Jared shrugged. "Pretty much."

Jensen considered. It felt abrupt, but also like it had been coming for months, like they'd been caught in some confusing stasis. It felt unresolved, but right.

"Fine," he said. "But you better put out."

Jared grinned. "Mary lives above us. She's gonna be listening."

Jensen choked on air. "Jesus Christ, I hate you."

Jared blew him a kiss, and then looked somewhat concerned. "Is it just me, or does my hand look more like a freakish claw every day?"

Jensen squinted. "It's not just you," he agreed.

*

"I heard those two men having gay sex last night," said Toby.

"Love knows no packaging, Toby," said Mary. "The heart finds its own partner."

"That's not a saying," Toby muttered.

"It is now," said Mary, patting her arm. "It is now."

Somewhere, in the distance, Lara Kelrast, drunken and crying, flew toward a cliff . . .

THE END


. . . ? . . . !