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Jul. 27th, 2009 11:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
longsufferinglyThis was kicking around for a while, so I finally figured--screw it, I'll write it.
If She Seems As Lonely As Me, Let Her Sink
Jared/Jensen, non-AU, 1750 words
Jensen always thought everyone was wrong after he met Jared. Dating your costar wasn't bad, it was amazing. Set was better, shoots were more fun, publicity events weren't as intimidating. As far as Jensen was concerned, dating his costar was the best decision he'd ever made.
Breaking up with his costar, that was the problem.
*
Jensen isn't a romantic or anything. He doesn't go into every relationship thinking it's going to be sunshine and roses forever. But he does believe in love, the kind of love his parents have, the kind of growing-old love that isn't perfect, but it's til-death-do-you-part. It's dedication, and it's being happier together than you ever could be apart.
He thought he had it, is all. He doesn't always think it, but he thought it this time.
*
He hadn't fallen in love with Jared at first sight. He makes jokes about it--this guy's smoking hot, I can't play his brother--but the first time he met Jared, he hadn't felt the sudden pull he's used to. Jared was young and green, friendly and so eager, and Jensen had liked him, had been excited. But he didn't want.
Jared later admitted he did, right from their first handshake, from their first second. He said it had always been Jensen for him.
Jensen wishes he didn't have to wonder if any of that was true now. He's supposed to trust Jared.
*
They didn't really breakup with a conversation. They broke up because Jared brought someone else home, and Jensen moved out without saying much at all. They didn't mention that part at interviews, no press like when they moved in together, until Jensen let it slip casual at a con, that they wouldn't be together next year. Like it wasn't true already.
He was shocked that Jared even commented on it afterward--they don't talk much when they aren't required to, these days.
"You could have told me," he said. It was his Sam voice, like always, because it was easier to be other people than it was to be themselves now.
"Sorry, I thought you knew I didn't live with you," he shot back.
"Yeah, but--I didn't know you were going to tell them."
"Wouldn't want Livejournal figuring out we broke up."
"Jensen--"
"I told Danneel I'd meet her," he said.
The stuff about loving his girlfriend, that might have been unnecessary too. But Jensen never claimed to be a good person.
*
"Did you ever let him explain?" asked Danneel.
"What is there to explain? He fucked someone else in our house."
It hadn't been Genevieve. It hadn't been anyone, and that was the worst part. Jared had just found some random guy and brought him home.
"You don't know that."
"Yeah, maybe they were playing strip Twister," Jensen snorted. "Whatever, it's not a big deal. One more year, I'm done with this show, I'm done with him."
"Except you're so in love with him you can't see straight."
"That's just the booze," said Jensen, not looking at her.
"Dumbass," she said, mostly fondly.
*
When he and Jared were together, a summer off together had sounded like a great idea.
Now, he's fidgeting, nothing to do with his hands, grasping.
Now, he wishes he had a distraction.
*
"Call the dude," says Aldis. "Look, I worked with you guys, I saw the love. It was beautiful."
"Fuck you," says Jensen.
"Hey, be nice," says Chris. "We're all friends here. And he's right, you guys were sickening."
"I threw up a little in my mouth filming," Aldis offers.
"He was the jerk," says Jensen darkly. "He cheated on me. How come I have to forgive him? How is that fair?"
"Oh, he has to grovel," says Chris. "But you need to let him grovel."
"I'm not stopping him," Jensen says, but he's not sure it's true.
*
Filming starts and Jensen sees Jared for the first time in what feels like forever.
Jared wants to greet him with a hug--Jensen can see Jared's fingers twitching, the desire to touch something Jensen recognizes from his own summer.
Misha gives both of them huge hugs, and small wooden figurines that he carved himself. Jared's is a bush baby, Jensen's is a frog.
"What does this mean?" asks Jensen, turning it over in his hands. It's wide and grumpy-looking.
"How do you find time to do this between being held hostage by the queen and pouring yogurt all over yourself?" asks Jared, trying to get his to stay on his shoulder.
"I have many skills," he says to Jared. To Jensen, he says, "He's your spirit animal."
Jared leans in, too close, a familiar smell of soap over dog and sweat. "He looks just like you, man," he says, and Jensen stiffens. Jared notices, smiles awkwardly, shakes his head. "I gotta--makeup."
"If I were king of the world," says Misha, "I tell you what I would do."
Jensen raises his eyebrows. "You just get weirder."
"Joy to the world, all the boys and girls," Misha goes on, "joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea. Joy to you and me."
"Thanks," says Jensen, surprised to find he means it.
*
Jensen buys Jared a bottle of wine for his birthday, nothing too fancy, nothing too personal. He adds in a book, a best-seller he buys on impulse. He hasn't read it, and he doesn't think Jared will either.
Last year, he took him out to dinner and fucked him, and forgot to even give him his present--the Canucks jersey with his name on it, to match the one Jared gave him for his birthday.
(Jensen's is in his closet somewhere. He pretends he wouldn't know where to find it, but he knows exactly what box it's stuffed into.)
He gives Jared his present early and then flees to his trailer before he can open it. He wants to call up Tom to get drunk, but Tom's been shunning both of them since the breakup.
He's not shocked by the knock on his apartment door, not shocked when he finds Jared there, sober and staring.
"Don't you have a party?" he asks.
"It's my birthday," says Jared. "It's my birthday, so you have to listen to me, right?"
"I don't think that's a rule," says Jensen weakly, trying for a joke.
"I know you don't even know the name of that book you got me," says Jared, stalking closer as Jensen moves back. "So you owe me a real present."
"Fine," says Jensen. "Come on in."
Jared wipes his hands on his pants, turns and shakes his head. "I'm sorry."
Jensen knew that was what he was going to say as soon as he got a chance, and that was why Jensen hadn't wanted to give it to him.
"You gonna explain?" he asks.
Jared shakes his head. "Is there a good way to explain? I--man, Jensen, I was stupid. I just--I've never been with anyone this long, and I--I didn't sleep with him."
"He was naked in our bed."
"I was thinking about it. I thought--does it matter?"
Jensen thinks about that, because there isn't any excuse that will make it better for him. But he's curious. "Yeah. I wanna know."
"I figured out I was gay when I was with Alexis," says Jared. "You know that. The whole Sandy PR thing, I figured I'd be single til I made it big. I had it all planned out."
"And then you met me," says Jensen.
"Too awesome for your own good," says Jared, his voice so quiet and fond that Jensen wants to end this conversation right now.
"Yeah, and then you brought another guy home."
"I got fucking scared," says Jared. "I just--I love you so much."
"That you brought another guy home."
"I told you there wasn't--I was drunk, and I didn't know--who marries the first guy they ever slept with?"
"You're not marrying me," says Jensen.
"I want to," says Jared quietly. "I always wanted to. I looked at you, and I thought--that's the rest of my life."
"And if you get scared again?"
Jared laughs, no humor to it. "You should've seen me this summer. Trust me, I--I know exactly what I want. I'm not--I was the stupidest fuck in the world."
"Yeah, you were," says Jensen.
"I was hoping you could--you might maybe--"
"Jared, I--"
"Not tonight," says Jared. "I didn't think tonight."
Jared is at the door before Jensen manages to say anything.
"Happy birthday, Jared," he settles on.
"Yeah," says Jared. "Thanks."
*
The directors love the tension. They loved it at the end of last season, with the brothers falling apart, even if not all of them knew why Jared and Jensen were so good at fighting with each other.
Now, Jensen can see Jared in every hopeful tilt of Sam's head, every tentative step towards togetherness.
He wonders what Jared sees in Dean.
*
Sam and Dean hug in the fifth episode of the season, and Misha spends the entire time humming "Jeremiah Was a Bullfrog." He ruins one take (which will definitely make it into the blooper reels) by belting out, "I'd throw away the cars and the bars in the world and I'd make sweet love to you."
"I don't get it," Jensen says to him finally, when they finish the scene. He can feel Jared tingling all over him, the touch so familiar, but it's been so long.
"I just think the world needs more joy," says Misha. "Your world, especially."
"I'm happy," says Jensen, in Dean's voice.
Misha just shakes his head and pats Jensen's wooden frog.
*
Just like Jensen didn't actually decide to break up with Jared, he doesn't decide to take him back. He's just with Jared, heading home in the car they still share, thinking that he doesn't have to be happily ever after.
"Hm?" says Jared.
"What?"
"You said something," says Jared.
Jensen flushes. "I said--I'm not a romantic, you know."
"Last Christmas you gave me a bong," says Jared. "I know you're not a romantic."
"Yeah, but--I was thinking. I don't really want to live happily ever after with you. That's fine. I just--I still want to live ever after with you, you know?"
Jared stares at him for a minute, and then he breaks out in a grin Jensen hasn't seen in months, since Jared broke his heart.
"And you're saying you're not a romantic?" says Jared.
"Shut up," says Jensen, but he's smiling too, just a little.
"You know," says Jared, "I saw you didn't unpack."
"Yeah," Jensen admits. "I know how this story goes."
If She Seems As Lonely As Me, Let Her Sink
Jared/Jensen, non-AU, 1750 words
Jensen always thought everyone was wrong after he met Jared. Dating your costar wasn't bad, it was amazing. Set was better, shoots were more fun, publicity events weren't as intimidating. As far as Jensen was concerned, dating his costar was the best decision he'd ever made.
Breaking up with his costar, that was the problem.
*
Jensen isn't a romantic or anything. He doesn't go into every relationship thinking it's going to be sunshine and roses forever. But he does believe in love, the kind of love his parents have, the kind of growing-old love that isn't perfect, but it's til-death-do-you-part. It's dedication, and it's being happier together than you ever could be apart.
He thought he had it, is all. He doesn't always think it, but he thought it this time.
*
He hadn't fallen in love with Jared at first sight. He makes jokes about it--this guy's smoking hot, I can't play his brother--but the first time he met Jared, he hadn't felt the sudden pull he's used to. Jared was young and green, friendly and so eager, and Jensen had liked him, had been excited. But he didn't want.
Jared later admitted he did, right from their first handshake, from their first second. He said it had always been Jensen for him.
Jensen wishes he didn't have to wonder if any of that was true now. He's supposed to trust Jared.
*
They didn't really breakup with a conversation. They broke up because Jared brought someone else home, and Jensen moved out without saying much at all. They didn't mention that part at interviews, no press like when they moved in together, until Jensen let it slip casual at a con, that they wouldn't be together next year. Like it wasn't true already.
He was shocked that Jared even commented on it afterward--they don't talk much when they aren't required to, these days.
"You could have told me," he said. It was his Sam voice, like always, because it was easier to be other people than it was to be themselves now.
"Sorry, I thought you knew I didn't live with you," he shot back.
"Yeah, but--I didn't know you were going to tell them."
"Wouldn't want Livejournal figuring out we broke up."
"Jensen--"
"I told Danneel I'd meet her," he said.
The stuff about loving his girlfriend, that might have been unnecessary too. But Jensen never claimed to be a good person.
*
"Did you ever let him explain?" asked Danneel.
"What is there to explain? He fucked someone else in our house."
It hadn't been Genevieve. It hadn't been anyone, and that was the worst part. Jared had just found some random guy and brought him home.
"You don't know that."
"Yeah, maybe they were playing strip Twister," Jensen snorted. "Whatever, it's not a big deal. One more year, I'm done with this show, I'm done with him."
"Except you're so in love with him you can't see straight."
"That's just the booze," said Jensen, not looking at her.
"Dumbass," she said, mostly fondly.
*
When he and Jared were together, a summer off together had sounded like a great idea.
Now, he's fidgeting, nothing to do with his hands, grasping.
Now, he wishes he had a distraction.
*
"Call the dude," says Aldis. "Look, I worked with you guys, I saw the love. It was beautiful."
"Fuck you," says Jensen.
"Hey, be nice," says Chris. "We're all friends here. And he's right, you guys were sickening."
"I threw up a little in my mouth filming," Aldis offers.
"He was the jerk," says Jensen darkly. "He cheated on me. How come I have to forgive him? How is that fair?"
"Oh, he has to grovel," says Chris. "But you need to let him grovel."
"I'm not stopping him," Jensen says, but he's not sure it's true.
*
Filming starts and Jensen sees Jared for the first time in what feels like forever.
Jared wants to greet him with a hug--Jensen can see Jared's fingers twitching, the desire to touch something Jensen recognizes from his own summer.
Misha gives both of them huge hugs, and small wooden figurines that he carved himself. Jared's is a bush baby, Jensen's is a frog.
"What does this mean?" asks Jensen, turning it over in his hands. It's wide and grumpy-looking.
"How do you find time to do this between being held hostage by the queen and pouring yogurt all over yourself?" asks Jared, trying to get his to stay on his shoulder.
"I have many skills," he says to Jared. To Jensen, he says, "He's your spirit animal."
Jared leans in, too close, a familiar smell of soap over dog and sweat. "He looks just like you, man," he says, and Jensen stiffens. Jared notices, smiles awkwardly, shakes his head. "I gotta--makeup."
"If I were king of the world," says Misha, "I tell you what I would do."
Jensen raises his eyebrows. "You just get weirder."
"Joy to the world, all the boys and girls," Misha goes on, "joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea. Joy to you and me."
"Thanks," says Jensen, surprised to find he means it.
*
Jensen buys Jared a bottle of wine for his birthday, nothing too fancy, nothing too personal. He adds in a book, a best-seller he buys on impulse. He hasn't read it, and he doesn't think Jared will either.
Last year, he took him out to dinner and fucked him, and forgot to even give him his present--the Canucks jersey with his name on it, to match the one Jared gave him for his birthday.
(Jensen's is in his closet somewhere. He pretends he wouldn't know where to find it, but he knows exactly what box it's stuffed into.)
He gives Jared his present early and then flees to his trailer before he can open it. He wants to call up Tom to get drunk, but Tom's been shunning both of them since the breakup.
He's not shocked by the knock on his apartment door, not shocked when he finds Jared there, sober and staring.
"Don't you have a party?" he asks.
"It's my birthday," says Jared. "It's my birthday, so you have to listen to me, right?"
"I don't think that's a rule," says Jensen weakly, trying for a joke.
"I know you don't even know the name of that book you got me," says Jared, stalking closer as Jensen moves back. "So you owe me a real present."
"Fine," says Jensen. "Come on in."
Jared wipes his hands on his pants, turns and shakes his head. "I'm sorry."
Jensen knew that was what he was going to say as soon as he got a chance, and that was why Jensen hadn't wanted to give it to him.
"You gonna explain?" he asks.
Jared shakes his head. "Is there a good way to explain? I--man, Jensen, I was stupid. I just--I've never been with anyone this long, and I--I didn't sleep with him."
"He was naked in our bed."
"I was thinking about it. I thought--does it matter?"
Jensen thinks about that, because there isn't any excuse that will make it better for him. But he's curious. "Yeah. I wanna know."
"I figured out I was gay when I was with Alexis," says Jared. "You know that. The whole Sandy PR thing, I figured I'd be single til I made it big. I had it all planned out."
"And then you met me," says Jensen.
"Too awesome for your own good," says Jared, his voice so quiet and fond that Jensen wants to end this conversation right now.
"Yeah, and then you brought another guy home."
"I got fucking scared," says Jared. "I just--I love you so much."
"That you brought another guy home."
"I told you there wasn't--I was drunk, and I didn't know--who marries the first guy they ever slept with?"
"You're not marrying me," says Jensen.
"I want to," says Jared quietly. "I always wanted to. I looked at you, and I thought--that's the rest of my life."
"And if you get scared again?"
Jared laughs, no humor to it. "You should've seen me this summer. Trust me, I--I know exactly what I want. I'm not--I was the stupidest fuck in the world."
"Yeah, you were," says Jensen.
"I was hoping you could--you might maybe--"
"Jared, I--"
"Not tonight," says Jared. "I didn't think tonight."
Jared is at the door before Jensen manages to say anything.
"Happy birthday, Jared," he settles on.
"Yeah," says Jared. "Thanks."
*
The directors love the tension. They loved it at the end of last season, with the brothers falling apart, even if not all of them knew why Jared and Jensen were so good at fighting with each other.
Now, Jensen can see Jared in every hopeful tilt of Sam's head, every tentative step towards togetherness.
He wonders what Jared sees in Dean.
*
Sam and Dean hug in the fifth episode of the season, and Misha spends the entire time humming "Jeremiah Was a Bullfrog." He ruins one take (which will definitely make it into the blooper reels) by belting out, "I'd throw away the cars and the bars in the world and I'd make sweet love to you."
"I don't get it," Jensen says to him finally, when they finish the scene. He can feel Jared tingling all over him, the touch so familiar, but it's been so long.
"I just think the world needs more joy," says Misha. "Your world, especially."
"I'm happy," says Jensen, in Dean's voice.
Misha just shakes his head and pats Jensen's wooden frog.
*
Just like Jensen didn't actually decide to break up with Jared, he doesn't decide to take him back. He's just with Jared, heading home in the car they still share, thinking that he doesn't have to be happily ever after.
"Hm?" says Jared.
"What?"
"You said something," says Jared.
Jensen flushes. "I said--I'm not a romantic, you know."
"Last Christmas you gave me a bong," says Jared. "I know you're not a romantic."
"Yeah, but--I was thinking. I don't really want to live happily ever after with you. That's fine. I just--I still want to live ever after with you, you know?"
Jared stares at him for a minute, and then he breaks out in a grin Jensen hasn't seen in months, since Jared broke his heart.
"And you're saying you're not a romantic?" says Jared.
"Shut up," says Jensen, but he's smiling too, just a little.
"You know," says Jared, "I saw you didn't unpack."
"Yeah," Jensen admits. "I know how this story goes."
