(no subject)

[longsufferingly]

Here are two comment fics what I wrote.

One, for annella's comment fic post, Jensen and Chad get drunkenly gay-married, Jared is their divorce lawyer.


"So let me get this straight," says the lawyer. He quirks his lips up at Jensen, not quite a smile, just amusement clear in every feature. "Or, you know, not."

Jensen gives him a look.

"This dumbass here," the lawyer continues, "got wasted and decided to--what was it, Chad?"

"Fuck your mom, Padalecki."

"Stick it to the man," Padalecki continues, as if Jensen's new husband hadn't spoken.

"He didn't actually stick it to me," Jensen feels compelled to point out.

"And it totally would've gone down that way, cuz if I was gay, I would definitely be on the dick end of ass sex."

"You're on the dick end of life, Chad," says Padalecki. He refocuses his attention on Jensen, looking very intense, like this is the important part of the conversation. "So there was no sex?"

"Absolutely not," says Jensen. It's probably the grossest thought he's ever had, sex with--whoever this guy is. Chad something something. He can't believe he married someone with three names. Three names always means douchebag.

"Okay, good," says Padalecki, looking relieved. "This should be a fairly simple annulment. Since you guys were pretty clearly intoxicated when it happened--"

"And I don't even like dudes!" Chad interjects.

"Right, we shouldn't have much trouble. Chad, you're a dumbass, I'll fax you some papers. Mr. Ackles, uh, I don't have your contact information, so--"

"So I'm leaving," says Chad. He salutes Jensen. "Peace out, honeybunch."

"Kill me now," Jensen grumbles.

Padalecki laughs, kind of uncomfortably. "I really don't know why I'm friends with that guy," he says, shaking his head.

"At least you didn't marry him," Jensen points out.

"Small blessings," Padalecki agrees. "So, um. Chad's not--" he laughs again, shakes his head, and then grins up at Jensen, dimples and white teeth. Jensen finds his breath being abruptly taken away. "Is there any good way for me to ask if you're into guys, or is hitting on my best friend's husband whose marriage I'm annulling just unavoidably awkward?"

Jensen stares at him for a minute. "Probably unavoidably awkward. But I'm into guys. Not Chad, but, uh, hot guys who aren't douchebags."

Padalecki laughs again. He seems like the kind of guy who laughs a lot, which isn't exactly Jensen's type, but he's this kind of impossible combination of hot and adorable, and Jensen thinks he could make an exception. "So I'm Jared," he says. "I hear I'm kind of good looking, and I'm only a douchebag in court, so would you maybe want to go out with me sometime?"

"I'm not sure my husband would approve," says Jensen, grinning at him.

"I'll buy him a hooker, he won't even notice."

"That I'm gone, or that she's a hooker?"

"Knowing him, either," says Jared. "And I can really speed that annulment through."

"Yeah, okay," says Jensen. "That sounds good." He considers. "Were you not gonna hit on me if I slept with Chad?"

"No, I was. Just I was gonna get you tested first. I know where he's been."

"Never tell me."

"Deal."


Two, a beautiful fairy tale for beckaandzac


Once upon a time there was a fairy princess named Jared Padalecki.

It was kind of unclear how he was a princess, given he was a guy. Mostly, he liked tiaras a lot, and he wanted to be a princess, and no one wanted to argue with someone who was that huge and also royalty.

(He wasn't a fairy in the "magical being" sense either--he just loved the cock.)

On the eve of Jared's sixteenth birthday, his mother said, "Honey, I have bad news."

Jared was crestfallen. "Am I not getting a unicorn?" He had been begging for a unicorn, because once he was sixteen, he could get a license for it. Everyone's attempts to tell him one did not need a license to ride a unicorn, and it was probably just like riding a horse except that you could stab people with the horn, had fallen on deaf ears.

His mother sighed. "Of course you're getting a unicorn, pumpkin. But, you know how you say you're a princess?"

"I am a princess," said Jared.

"Of course you are," said his mother hurriedly. "And as a princess, you need to find a prince."

"Awesome!"

"Well," she hedged. "You're going to be shut up in a tower until your prince comes along to rescue you."

"Oh," said Jared, sadly. "Can my unicorn come?"

"Yes, honey, your unicorn can come."

*

Jensen Ackles was not a fairy princess.

Jensen Ackles might try to stab you if you claimed he was one, because he was a strong and dashing prince. Anyone who suggested that his preference for men in any way interfered with his ability to be a strong and dashing prince would probably get stabbed.

Jensen Ackles might have had some anger management issues.

"I don't want a fucking princess!" said Jensen, hand twitching toward his sword.

"Of course not, sire!" said his advisor, backing away hurriedly.

"How about not a princess," suggested Jensen's best friend, Christian Kane.

"What?" asked Jensen.

"Heard a rumor," said Christian. "There's this dude, right? Not a princess, just kind of crazy. Royal, likes guys, likes tiaras."

"You want me to marry a guy who likes tiaras?"

"Honestly, man, I don't know how much better you're going to do."

"I'm a hot property," Jensen muttered.

"All the other princes are straight, and you've tried to stab half of them."

"They deserved it."

Chris sighed. "I'm not saying they didn't."

*

Jared didn't really mind being locked in a tower. He had his unicorn, Mrs. Twinkletoes, and a lot of books, and most of his citizens didn't understand him in the first place so he didn't miss them. The guy who brought him his meals was this totally insane person named Chad, and they struck up a kind of friendship. Mrs. Twinkletoes seemed to hate him, for some reason, but other than that, life in a tower was awesome.

Even the ogre that guarded the entrance was pretty nice. They didn't talk, in the traditional sense of the word, but the ogre grunted and said SMASH a lot, and Jared talked and it didn't tell him to shut up.

He was probably going to be kind of sad when someone killed it, except that it kept trying to eat Mrs. Twinkletoes. As far as Jared was concerned, his unicorn was always his first priority.

"I hear some dude is coming to rescue you," said Chad, one bright and beautiful morning.

"Really?" asked Jared excitedly. "Is he dreamy?"

"How the fuck would I know? All I heard is that he likes stabbing shit. So maybe he'll like stabbing your ass."

"I can dream," said Jared, sighing with longing. "Should I sing to welcome him?"

"Dude, I've heard you sing. If you want him coming for you, shut the hell up."

*

All anyone seemed to know about Prince(ss) Jared was that he liked tiaras and unicorns. Jensen wasn't sure if he was willing to be attracted to a guy who sounded like he was pretty much a girl--Jensen liked men, not chicks with dicks--but given he had to marry a princess, and Jared was the only guy in the realm who was willing to identify as both male and a princess, Jensen was pretty much stuck.

On the bright side, he got to stab an ogre. Jensen loved nothing like he loved stabbing shit.

Especially with his penis.

Not that he was going to stab the ogre like that. But even if he didn't marry Prince(ss) Jared, he was going to at least get laid.

He assumed.

"Ogre!" he bellowed.

The ogre was picking its nose.

"Ogre, I am here to slay you and save the fair dude who likes wearing tiaras!"

"They're pretty, you jackass!" called someone from within the tower.

"SMASH!" said the ogre.

What followed was a brief scuffle, during which Jensen stabbed the shit out of the ogre and the ogre cried like a little bitch. Jensen actually felt a little bad, and wondered how he had ever been so cavalier about stabbing things. Being stabbed was painful, apparently.

"Dude, that was harsh," said the guy leaning out of the window. He was wearing a tiara, yes, but he was also painfully hot.

"Yeah," said Jensen. "I might not have anger management issues anymore."

"Mazeltov," said the guy.

"You Jared?"

"That's me. Want to come up and meet my unicorn? Her name is Mrs. Twinkletoes."

The guy was hot, and also apparently a princess, so who cared if he was crazy.

"Sure," said Jensen, "why the hell not?"

*

Although Jensen did not like tiaras and was kind of angry, Jared still liked him a lot, and he was really good-looking, so he figured they could probably at least have sex.

And then the sex was good enough he figured they could probably just get married.

"Why doesn't Mrs. Twinkletoes like me anymore?" asked Jared, pouting.

"Because I defiled you," Jensen mumbled. "Go to sleep."

"But I never got to ride her!"

"You can ride me later," said Jensen.

"But not through a field of wildflowers!"

"We'll find a field of wildflowers and I'll fuck you in it. Happy?"

"Will there also be a babbling brook?"

"Yes, Jared."

"Okay," said Jared, and went to sleep.

And they lived happily ever after.