poor choices r us

[longsufferingly]

Title: Things Are Getting Strange, I'm Starting To Worry
Author: chash
Fandom: Supernatural RPS
Pairing: Jared Padalecki/Jensen Ackles
Rating: NC-17.
Warnings: Bodyswapping! Non-AU. So, you know, crack.
Word Count: 4000.
Summary: Jared is pretty sure this sort of thing is just supposed to happen in the show.
Notes: trolleys's totally awesome Freaky Friday art got me thinking about J2 bodyswitching, and then this happened.
Disclaimer: Lies and untruths.


After the third person basically says, "Pull the other one," Jared gives up and storms back to the trailer where Jensen is waiting for him.

He didn't expect everyone to instantly believe him or anything, but he also hadn't thought everyone would assume he was pulling a prank when they told them he and Jensen switched bodies. It's too outlandish, for one thing--he likes his pranks to be a little more, well, believable.

Jared's giving himself a headache. Or giving Jensen one. He wonders, if they were to switch back right now, which one of them would have it.

Jensen is sitting in the trailer, playing PSP. It's weird to Jared to see Jensen's body language out of Jensen's body. He's not slouched like Jared usually is on the couch; Jared likes to take up all the room he can on there, just to be a dick, but Jensen just sits tall, which is even taller when he's Jared.

It was kind of funny in the car on the way over; usually Jared leans down a little to make himself shorter and Jensen sits straighter, so they end up around the same height. They did it automatically this time, and then started laughing, on the edge of hysterical, when Jensen seemed a billion feet taller.

Neither of them has any idea what happened.

Jared woke up and had a long moment of confusion. He recognized the room, of course--it's his house, and he's been in there a billion times. At first, there was a desperate surge of hope, like maybe he and Jensen finally got drunk and hooked up like he always wanted (well, minus the drunk part), but then reality set in.

For one thing, Jensen definitely wasn't in the bed.

For another thing, Jared felt--different. He'd never really thought about what it would be like to be another person, beyond the standard idle wondering about how awesome having his own boobs would be, so he hadn't thought about how quickly he'd notice. All his parts were there, but he felt--smaller. Differently shaped. Off balance, even though he wasn't even standing up.

Immediately, he got out of bed and fell over, the ground not coming at him from the right distance.

Then he realized that, one, he was naked, and two, he was Jensen.

Some part of his brain registered that Jensen slept naked, and then he was scrambling into boxers, running upstairs, and finding himself asleep in bed.

Which shouldn't have been a surprise, but somehow, it was.

"Jensen!" he hissed, shaking Jensen's--his--someone's shoulder. "Jensen!"

"Jesus, w--" Jensen's eyes snapped open and he stared. "What?"

"Dude," said Jared, "we've got problems."

They'd spent a while freaking out, pinching themselves, pinching each other (which was kind of the same thing, and wasn't that fucking nuts), and arguing about what to do.

Jared wanted to tell the crew. Jensen said they wouldn't believe it.

Now, back in the trailer, Jared has to admit defeat.

"They didn't believe it," he says, slumping next to Jensen and not taking up the space he should.

"Told you," says Jensen with a snort and a little smile.

The weirdest thing, Jared thinks--and that's a pretty hard call to make, seriously--is hearing Jensen's words in his voice. Because he still talks like Jensen, still the same pauses and intonation, the same accent and phrases. It's disconcerting, because he recognizes Jensen in there.

"So what do we do?" Jensen continues.

Jared shrugs, leans back and pops his neck. Jensen's neck is stiffer than his, and his left shoulder still hurts from a hard stunt a few days ago, even though Jensen swore up and down he was fine.

"We gotta start acting like each other."

"We're not that different," says Jensen.

"Yeah, man, we are."

"It's Friday," says Jensen. "We've got a day of acting and then we're gold. What's gonna go wrong?"

"You totally fail at being Sam and blow our cover?"

"I could be a better Sam than you in my sleep," says Jensen, with a slow smile that's nothing at all like how Jared pictures himself. "But there's no way you can handle Dean's complex emotional issues."

"I figure this body just, like, cries on command."

Jensen gives him the finger.

*

It turns out it's easier to pretend to be Dean than it is to pretend to be Jensen. He's thought about being Dean--they've been asked about bodyswitching episodes, and he and Jensen talk about their characters enough that Jared thinks he has a pretty good grasp on all his "complex issues." But they keep replying to the wrong names, mixing up their tape colors, and generally being a little off. Thanks to Jared's failed attempt to tell everyone the truth, the whole crew seems to think they're still trying to pull a stupid prank, and they're torn between annoyance and amusement. Jared thinks they're probably mostly impressed how well they're keeping it up.

Still, as far as he's concerned, the day can't end soon enough, and he's beyond relieved when they call for the day and he staggers back to Jensen's trailer.

He's halfway through getting Dean's shirt off before he realizes that showering is going to be him, naked, in Jensen's body.

He hasn't had a lot of time to think about that until now; he's been stressed and distracted and trying so hard to be Dean that he hasn't had any brain power left to think about being Jensen. But here he is, in Jensen's body, and he's been fantasizing about seeing Jensen like this for--a lot longer than he should have been.

And, of course, thinking about Jensen naked has its usual effect on him, and now Jared is not just sweaty, covered in makeup, bruised, and stuck in his coworker's body, he's also getting kind of hard.

It's unavoidable, is the thing. He's clearly not going to be able to stay fully clothed for however long this lasts; if nothing else, Jensen would notice he was still wearing Dean's stuff tomorrow. And he assumes he's not going to be able to see Jensen naked without getting--worked up. Just remembering what he saw this morning, however briefly, is already giving his fantasies more fuel than they ever should have had. And it's not like he and Jensen sat down and had a conversation like, "Hey, Jared, don't jerk off in my body" or anything. Jared assumes that if Jensen--should Jensen get turned on for some reason, he'll jerk off, right?

And that's actually the last straw, because the idea of Jensen all worked up in Jared's body--maybe because of Jared's body--wrapping Jared's long fingers around himself, getting harder hearing the way Jared moans, it's too much. Jared can't not jerk off.

He pulls off his shirt and looks down at himself, then goes into the bathroom to look in the mirror.

He's seen Jensen shirtless before, of course. Tons of time. But he never gets to look. He does now, takes in Jensen's chest, Jensen's face, stares like he never can.

When he first met Jensen, it wasn't instant attraction. It was instant friendship, yes, a connection like he'd never felt, but it was a few weeks before, suddenly, he noticed that Jensen was really, really hot.

And it was years before he put everything together, before he figured out that he was pretty much head-over-heels for Jensen fucking Ackles.

He brushes his hand up his--Jensen's--chest, flicks over a nipple like he's thought about a thousand times. Wonders at what point he crosses a line--how much of the stuff he's always wanted to do to Jensen he can do and still live with himself. He doesn't really want them to suddenly switch back and have Jensen wonder why his ass feels sore.

He groans at that thought, fumbles Dean's jeans off and sees the outline of Jensen's dick--Jensen's hard dick--through his boxers and nearly loses it.

He gets the water warming up for the shower and slips off the boxers, takes a long moment to just appreciate. Jensen isn't as big as he is in any dimension, but Jared doesn't think that's bad. In fact, right now, hard and ready and leaking? It's really fucking perfect.

He somehow manages to keep his hands off until he gets into the shower, soaps his fingers up and wraps them around himself, testing out what Jensen likes. He hears Jensen's low moan, but he can't hear it right, because the voice in your head never sounds like the voice everyone else hears. He's not sure if he's glad for it or not--he wants to hear Jensen moan for him, wants the sound from Jensen's own lips when they're both in their own bodies.

But he'll take this.

He works hard and fast because this is probably the single hottest thing ever to happen to him, miles of pale freckled skin and bowed legs, and he comes in no time at all, taking in how different it feels to orgasm as Jensen.

He turns the water to scalding and soaps himself all over, but it doesn't make him feel cleaner, and he has to turn it freezing to keep from getting hard all over again from feeling Jensen's taut muscles under his fingers.

*

He can't meet Jensen's eyes in the car, or even meet his own eyes in the mirror as he gets dressed, because those are Jensen's eyes too. They can't actually talk with Clif around--he said, "Heard you guys were telling another whopper today" when they got in the car and that was pretty much that--because trying to be normal is just too weird. It's not even clear to Jared what normal would be, in this case. So they're pretty quiet on the way home, but companionably. It's not that strange for them; they're usually exhausted by Friday, falling asleep on each other half the time.

"God, I'm beat," says Jensen as soon as they get in, and it still sounds off, strangely. Jared thinks it might just be that he's looking for it. "I'm going to sleep until I'm me again."

"You don't think we should talk about it?"

Jensen turns and blinks. It's a Sam face, and it startles Jared. "What's there to talk about?" he asks.

"What the fuck happened?"

"I still don't know," says Jensen. "It's not like I did a Wicca ritual before bed so we'd change bodies."

Jared glares. "Come on, Jensen! Think!"

"I've been thinking all day! And I've got nothing, dude."

Jared sighs, runs his hand through his hair, finds it too short. "Sorry, sorry. I know. I haven't got a clue either, man. It's just--we gotta fix this before Monday."

"You don't have to tell me. Wanna sleep on it?"

Jared's pretty tired but Jensen looks worse--Jared bets he didn't eat enough. He never did believe Jared needed that much energy. He puts on a smile, knows exactly how it looks on his real face but has no idea now.

"Yeah, man. See you tomorrow."

They're both in their own rooms before Jared realizes none of his clothes fit him, and he picks up a pair of pajamas to bring down to Jensen. He's outside Jensen's door before he remembers Jensen was naked last night, and might not want pajamas, and his face heats up.

Still, he feels lame going down with nothing and assuming Jensen wants to be naked, or even acknowledging that Jensen was naked, so he sucks it up and knocks.

"Yeah?" he hears himself say and, yeah, that's still weird.

He slips in only to be confronted with shirtless Jensen in his body, which is weirdly kind of a turn-on. Jared knows he's a hot guy, but he isn't usually into himself. Presumably he's seeing Jensen's soul within him, or some shit.

"What?" says Jensen, shocking Jared out of his stupid daze.

"I, uh. My clothes don't fit me. Figured yours wouldn't fit you either, so--" he thrusts out the pajamas.

"Oh," says Jensen, "yeah. Thanks." He pulls the shirt on, mussing up his hair more.

"Does my hair always look that stupid?" he asks before he can think.

Jensen laughs. "Static's a bitch, dude."

Jared groans. "Bet you didn't condition it right. You better be taking care of me, Jensen. I don't wanna get back and be all emaciated and ugly."

"So you want me to get plastic surgery?"

"Fuck you," says Jared. "I'm going to bed."

Jensen laughs, quiet and easy, nothing like Jared.

Jared is praying he's going to wake up normal.

*

He doesn't, of course. He wakes up in his own bed, in Jensen's body, with morning wood.

He jerks off in the shower with his eyes closed, trying to pretend he's not touching Jensen because it's too strange. He has to put his pajamas back on because he's got no other clothes that fit, and he tromps down to Jensen's room to find more.

Jensen's still asleep, and he's not wearing the shirt Jared left him. He might be wearing the pants, Jared can't actually tell. He looks--nothing like Jensen, which is strange. His expression is peaceful and looks like Jared.

The thought makes Jared ache a little.

He grabs a pair of Jensen's jeans and a t-shirt and changes quickly. The dogs are confused when he comes and gathers them up, but they never turn down a walk, even if they are a little reserved. It surprises Jared how different they are; he always knew the dogs preferred him, being as they're his dogs, but they disobey him more as Jensen, frolic less, don't have as much fun. It's weird.

When he gets back he sets the dogs up with food and himself up with coffee and his laptop, determined to find answers.

But the problem is, Jared is not Sam Winchester.

Okay, normally that's less a problem and more something for which Jared is profoundly grateful, because holy shit the guy's got issues, but whatever. In this specific case, he wishes he was Sam Winchester, because Sam Winchester rocks at research. Sam Winchester can take a laptop and crack a case with nothing but his brain and google image search.

Jared, on the other hand, tries wikipedia and ends up wasting an hour wikisurfing without noticing, until he realizes that German death metal has nothing to do with body switches and he doesn't even know how he got there in the first place. This always happens with him and wikipedia; he'll be looking up some perfectly normal thing and three hours later, he's learning how to make goat cheese.

He shuts the laptop and groans. He knows a ton of people who know a ton about magic shit, but since all of them think he's a lying liar who lies, he doubts they're going to be all over helping him out of a predicament they think he made up. He doesn't have books about this like Sam and Dean, he doesn't know how the google images he got of Lindsay Lohan are going to help, and he just--god, he doesn't even know.

He's not sure how long he just sits there, hating the world, before Jensen pads in.

"Morning," he says, in Jared's voice, and Jared notices he's wearing just pajama bottoms, low on his hips.

"Morning," Jared manages.

Jensen scratches his belly as he goes over to the fridge, and the casual motion sparks heat in Jared's stomach. He never particularly wondered if having another guy in him--in the literal sense--would be sexy, but somehow it is. It's the nonchalant way Jensen is touching his body, he decides. God knows they're comfortable with each other after this long, but Jesus. It's different.

Jensen grabs the OJ out of the fridge and pours a glass. "Sleep okay?" he asks, oblivious to Jared's massive issues.

"Dude, I was so tired I barely noticed. Even if my bed felt huge with your midget body."

"Shut up," says Jensen easily, sliding into the seat across from Jared. He spots the laptop and gives what should be a Dean grin, with his eyebrows raised. "Research?"

Jared does his best Sam glare. "Shut up."

"Hey, someone's gotta do it. Find anything?"

"I think you have to realize that my life is, like, totally hard and stuff."

Jensen snorts. "I don't fit through doorways. I have no idea how you live, dude."

"Asshole," says Jared.

Jensen grins, and apparently Jared doesn't care whose body it is doing the smiling. His heart fucking flips over.

*

Jensen looks down his list. Which is technically wikipedia's list, but Jensen copied it out long hand, so that makes it a little his. "It's a Boy/Girl Thing."

Jared checks. "They discover how wonderful the other person is."

"Just Follow Law. What the hell is that?"

"It's Chinese," says Jared, scanning the article. "I guess they switch because of a car accident, and at the end they try to do it again but it's a cliffhanger? Dude, this sounds lame."

"Shocking. Like Father Like Son."

"Understanding feelings," says Jared. "God, why did anyone make these movies?"

"Says the star of House of Wax," Jensen shoots back. "Oh, wait, Paris Hilton starred."

Jared flips him off and sighs. "You sensing a pattern?"

"In the suckiness of your film career?"

"Like you can talk. Seriously, focus, man."

"You think we should drive off a bridge?"

"Asshole." He scans the list. "Here's one where a guy has to recognize the soul he loves in an old dying dude."

"Well that's hot," says Jensen. He leans back. "I already know how much your life sucks. What am I supposed to do, appreciate how Sam's tragic journey is just as tragic as Dean's?"

"Maybe I'm supposed to understand how tough it is being short and scrawny," says Jared easily, but it's not what he's thinking.

What he's thinking is that Jensen really has no idea how he feels.

He's thought about telling Jensen tons of times. Because Jensen--they're special, he knows it, no matter how stupid he feels thinking it. They've got the kind of relationship that could survive anything, that he thinks could survive unrequited love. And he wants to know. He doesn't want to stare at pictures of him and Jensen and wonder if what he thinks he's seeing is really there. He doesn't want to pine away his whole life. He never has.

For a while he told himself it was too soon; he was just out of a relationship, Jensen was just out of a relationship, all kinds of things.

Even he recognized they were excuses.

"I hate you," says Jensen, grinning and shaking his head.

"I kind of love you," says Jared, surprised to hear the words. It's the kind of thing he thinks he should say in his own voice. "I'm in love with you, I mean." He laughs a little. "I dunno how you're supposed to get that from being in my body, though, unless, like, I've got the Pavlovian response where I get hard every time I see you. God, I hope I don't, that would be seriously embarrassing. But if I do, uh. That's why."

He closes his eyes and tells himself it's because he hopes, when he opens them, he's going to be back in his body.

He's not, though. When he opens them, Jensen is kind of gaping at him, eyes wide, mouth a little open. It would be funny if Jared wasn't afraid one of them was going to have a stroke.

He's about to say, "Just kidding!" or "Man, I swore that'd work," when Jensen moves, tosses his notepad aside and pretty much tackles Jared.

Jared's chair hits the floor and his back hits the chair and he feels really small and vulnerable with his body on top of him, but then Jensen kisses him.

It's really, really weird.

Jared knows what it's like inside his own mouth. He's pretty familiar with it. He knows how this kiss feels from the other side and it's kind of disconcerting. He's not kissing like himself, and that's cool, but it's just--

He pulls back, and Jensen whimpers. It's hot because it's Jensen, but weird because it's not.

"Jesus," says Jared, staring at his own eyes. "This is too--man, this is fucked up."

Jensen laughs, face breaking open with it, dimples flashing. "It really is, huh?"

"If I always look that funny when I'm kissing people I dunno how I ever got laid," says Jared, banging his head against the floor.

Jensen laughs. "You've got a pretty good body, man. Makes up for a lot of--deficiencies."

"Oh screw you."

"That'd be way too weird," says Jensen, and Jared nearly swallows his tongue.

"So--you want to?"

Jensen smiles, blushes a little, a Jared blush. "Yeah. I want to."

Jared licks his lips. "You do it?"

Jensen cocks his head. "Do what?"

Jared smirks, skirts his hand down Jensen's side. "You know."

"Make out with the mirror?"

He slips his hand under Jensen's pajama pants.

"Oh," says Jensen, eyes closing involuntarily. "That."

"That," agrees Jared.

"Yeah," Jensen admits. "A little."

"I did it a lot," says Jared, into his ear, even though it's not quite true. He dips his hand lower, feels the familiar cock under his fingertips.

"Jesus," Jensen breathes. Then, "What, this isn't weird?"

Jared moves his hand up and down slowly, just the way he likes it best, and Jensen swears.

"Dude, I do this all the time. Just this time I'm not pretending my hand's yours."

Jensen swears again, ruts into Jared's hand. "It is weird," he manages.

It is, but Jared's got his eyes closed, and that helps. And somehow handjobs are less--intimate than kissing.

Jared's never claimed his bodyswitched sexual morals make any sense.

"Want me to stop?" he asks, and Jensen bites his neck.

"I'd kill you."

"Smother me," says Jared. "With my own body. Cruel." He does his favorite wrist twist and Jensen lets out a low whine. "Gonna return the favor here?" he asks, smiling as Jensen whimpers and gets his hand between them too.

It's weird and hot and kind of disturbing, honestly, and Jared isn't sure if he or Jensen makes the most retarded sex noises ever, but whatever is coming out of his mouth right now is the exact opposite of erotic. But he doesn't even care because Jensen isn't the kind of guy who'd have casual bodyswitched floor sex (handjobs, whatever) with a guy who's in love with him, so Jensen must love him back, and that's awesome.

Jensen comes first, messy all over Jared's hand, and he sucks on Jared's neck and jerks him hard until Jared's done too.

"You know you're the one who's gonna have to explain the hickeys to make up on Monday, right?" asks Jared. The chair is still digging into his back, and Jensen is still crushing him a little. and life is awesome.

"I'll tell them you did it," says Jensen.

"Guess that's fair." He pushes Jensen, and he rolls off onto the floor, staring up at the ceiling with a dazed expression. "Hey, I never learned about your true feelings," he points out.

"Jesus, what do you want, a map?"

"Hey, I'm just trying to break this spell."

"Aren't you supposed to get those from my body?"

"Your body did kind of like that."

Jensen laughs. "Dude, I've gotta love you, to put up with this shit every day."

"What shit, exactly? The bodyswitching or the handjobs? Because those are both really new."

"Your face," says Jensen fondly. Then, "We're still not us."

"Maybe we have to go to sleep."

"We just woke up, you lazy fuck."

"So it's easier to get back into the sleeping mindset," says Jared reasonably. He gets up and pulls Jensen up with him, wishing he weren't looking at himself right now. Because kissing himself? Yeah, still weird.

"You know you're the little spoon til we switch back, right?" grumbles Jensen.

"I'll live."

*

Jared wakes up an hour later, and he's still the little spoon.

He pokes what he knows is his most sensitive rib.

"Hey, Jensen, it didn't work."

Jensen groans and rolls over. "I hate you."

"Do not," says Jared smugly. "C'mon, we need a new plan."

Jensen sighs and rolls over to face him. "Fine. I'll get the cars, you find a bridge."

Jared snorts. "Yeah, that's totally going to work."

--

Continues with Forever Be Dozy and Dim