(no subject)

[longsufferingly]

Title: I Call "Risky Business" "Risky It" (Because "It" Means "Business")
Author: chash
Fandom: Supernatural RPS
Pairing: Jared Padalecki/Jensen Ackles
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Bad sex.
Word Count: 1800.
Summary: Jared figured sex with Jensen would be as easy as everything else with Jensen had been. It turns out he was wrong.
Notes: Title is from 30 Rock, because I got the idea for this fic while listening to "It's Business Time" from Flight of the Conchords, and my brain makes logical leaps like that. idk.
Disclaimer: I make this shit up.


Saying Jared is nervous about asking Jensen out is like saying Jared is happy that George W. Bush is soon going to stop being president--the basic emotion is covered, yeah, but the sheer magnitude of it is completely lost.

Jared was sort of trying to wait for there to be a lull in their lives during which it would not be awkward for him to ask Jensen out. But Jared realized fairly quickly that there was no such thing as a non-awkward time to ask out your best friend/roommate/costar, so a few weeks after Jensen and Danneel's long-coming and drama-free breakup, Jared steels his nerves and says, "Hey, want to get dinner tonight?"

Jensen raises his eyebrows. "Because we never do that." Jared punches him in the arm and Jensen grins broadly. "You asking me out, Padalecki?"

Jared nearly swallows his tongue, because he sort of figured it would be ambiguous until they actually got there, and possibly ever after that. He didn't think Jensen would just say it. "Yeah," he manages. "I'm asking you out."

"Then yeah," says Jensen easily. "Let's get dinner."

Jared can't help grinning back. He figured Jensen would get on the same page as him sometime--they've always been easy with everything, and he thought...Well, when he allowed himself to think that maybe, this whole thing could actually happen between them, he'd thought it would be simple, an evolution of the connection they'd always had.

And smiling with Jensen in that moment, he thinks he's absolutely right.

*

"You are the least coordinated sonnuvabitch I've ever met, I swear," says Jensen, cackling as Jared finishes off another embarrassing childhood story. Jared thinks he must have known, in the back of his mind, that he and Jensen would end up together sometime, because he's never told Jensen any of his date stories before. Jensen knows most of the truly mortifying things that Jared has done in his life--has been an eyewitness to more of them than Jared would like--but Jared's date stories are special, accounts he chose because they relaxed girls, made them comfortable, made them like him. He comes off as charming and ridiculous in them most of the time, a winning character.

Jensen, of course, reads between the lines and realizes that Jared was kind of a jerkoff kid, but he's pretty sure that's not going to stop him getting laid.

He's not reading Jensen wrong, and he knows it--he never really has in his life. And right now, as they head home, Jensen is definitely giving off you're-getting-laid vibes. They're really strong. Jared thinks he might even get laid more than once. He's pretty excited.

"So," he says, as they come to the door. "This is me."

Jensen elbows him in the ribs. "This is us, ass."

And that sentiment kind of takes Jared's breath away, so he leans down to kiss Jensen, finally.

Their foreheads knock together, and as they reposition, Jared's nose gets in Jensen's eye, and they fumble until Jensen finally goes, "Dude, you fucking suck!" and manhandles Jared's face so their lips actually come in contact. Jared tries to lick into Jensen's mouth pretty much immediately, but Jensen's on a different page, one where they're taking it slow and romantic, and it takes a minute to get a rhythm they both like, but they do, and Jared unlocks the door, thinking Yeah, this is how it's going to be.

*

But it's not.

Jensen trips on a pair of Jared's shoes left by the door in a pile pretty much as soon as they get in, and they both crash into the ugly coat rack Jensen picked up at Ikea once winter hit and Jared realized he didn't have enough hooks for all their coats and scarves. They stay upright and holding each other, but they start laughing, the ridiculousness of the last five minutes hitting them both at once. When they recover Jensen's looking at Jared with heat in his eyes and Jared has to bend down and kiss him again, kiss him without moving or tripping until the dogs rush in from whatever part of the house they'd been in, barking and wagging their tails, and they have to take a break to shoo them outside. Jared gets Jensen's hand and starts pulling him upstairs, but Jensen says, "No way I am having sex in your bed."

Jared's heart races, because Jensen just said, straight up, that they're having sex, but he's also offended. "What's wrong with my bed?"

"Your mom made your quilt," says Jensen.

"So?"

"So, I'm not having sex on your mom's quilt!"

Jared stares for a minute. "You're such a freak."

"Dude, it'd be like she was watching us have sex!"

"No, it wouldn't!"

"Whatever, we're going to my room," says Jensen. "Or you're not getting laid."

Jared grumbles, but agrees, because the prospect of getting laid is enough for him, even if Jensen is a total weirdo.

Jared crowds over Jensen on the bed, grinning as he sees Jensen spread out beneath him, gorgeous and happy. He starts to pull of his shirt, going for sexy and slow, except he forgot to undo the top button first, so he mostly gets his head stuck and flails around like the world's most pathetic spaz.

"I don't know how you dress yourself every day," says Jensen, voice amused and fond. Jared feels hands come up to help him, finding the offending button, getting the polo off without bloodshed or injury.

"So let's see you do better," says Jared, raising his eyebrows at Jensen's shirt.

"I dunno, man. Getting my shirt off? I never do that." He unbuttons his shirt easily, and Jared forgets to tease him back because--yeah, he's seen Jensen shirtless before. But he's never seen Jensen shirtless for him. He pushes Jensen down on the bed, gets down to the business of nipping and sucking, licking all over Jensen's chest while Jensen makes little murmurs of approval, little sounds that Jared wants to record to listen to while he jerks off. He closes his lips around a nipple, tonguing around it and then biting.

"Ow!" Jensen yelps. "Jesus!"

Jared blinks. "Uh?"

"I'm, uh--" Jensen looks embarrassed. "Not a big nipple guy. They're kind of--sensitive. But not hot sensitive. Just--yeah."

"Right," says Jared. "No nipples."

Jensen hauls him back up for more kissing, and that Jared can do. When he feels Jensen's hard-on against his thigh, he thinks that's something else he can do, because, yeah. Jared has jerked off a lot in his life. And jerking off another guy can't be that different, right?

He slides his hand down Jensen's stomach, skirting over hard muscles, and dips under Jensen's waistband. Jensen makes a breathy, encouraging noise, so Jared flips his fly open and unzips, gets his hand right in Jensen's boxers, feels smooth hard flesh and wiry hair all around it, familiar but totally different when it's someone else. Jensen's panting into his mouth and urging Jared over, onto his side. Jared goes willingly, jerking Jensen off slowly as he repositions, and he finds Jensen is going into his pants too. He makes an needy noise into Jensen's mouth, cannot fucking wait for Jensen's hands to finally be on him.

It's great for a few minutes--a little awkward as they get rhythms down, trying to figure out how to not bump their arms together, but it's hot and everything Jared though it would be.

And then Jensen's hand gets caught in one Jared's pubes and yanks it out.

"Jesus!" says Jared, because that fucking stings.

Jensen looks at him for a long minute. Their hands are still on each other's cocks, their lips are still brushing, and Jared knows exactly what Jensen is thinking.

"This is ridiculous," Jared says.

"Completely," Jensen agrees.

"We suck," says Jared.

"Dude, don't even think it. We're doing this bad at handjobs, you'd probably bite it off."

Jared can't help it, starts giggling helplessly into Jensen's shoulder. And then he kisses him again, because fuck it, he still really wants this to happen. And they make out and jerk each other off and it's probably the worst sex Jared has ever had in his life.

Of course.

*

As Jared does a walk of shame back to his own room (they had agreed, given how the night was going, that if Jared had stayed one of them probably would have lost an eye in the night), he thinks that really, it fucking figures. Everything in his whole relationship with Jensen has been easy and natural, but of course sex would be terrible. Jared has been jerking off thinking about Jensen for almost a year, and nothing in what happened tonight was nearly as good as his fantasies. It's depressing because he still wants Jensen, but they might be cursed or something. He knows it could just be bad luck, but it's spectacularly bad, and a lot of it was just--they weren't lining up. They weren't on the same page. Jared went up, Jensen went down, Jared went left, Jensen went right--they might just might not be compatible at all.

Jared isn't a pessimist by nature, but he has to admit, the odds seem kind of against him.

He wonders what it would be like, spending his whole life with someone he can't actually have decent sex with. Because he knows he wants to spend the rest of his life with Jensen--nothing's changing that. He just figured the rest of his life would involve sex. A lot of really hot sex.

"This is ridiculous," he hears from the door. Looks up to see Jensen, leaning on the frame, smiling a little.

"What is?"

"Everything about this," says Jensen. He crosses over and flops down next to Jared on the bed. "Seriously. We'll get better."

Jared glances over at him. "You want to keep trying?" He'd been hoping, but--he wouldn't have blamed Jensen if he'd taken this as God telling them that this was not the right course of action for their lives.

"Yeah, I want to keep trying."

Jared can't help grinning, leaning over to kiss Jensen, who leans up at the same time and hits his mouth on Jared's chin.

"You suck so much," Jensen says, laughing as he hits Jared's lips.

"Maybe," says Jared, nipping Jensen's lower lip. "If you're lucky."

"Unlucky, you mean," says Jensen. "I like my dick intact."

"What a coincidence," says Jared. "So do I."

They make out for a few more lazy minutes, and that is just as good as Jared thought it would be. It's fucking perfect, actually.

"We have got to get off this quilt," Jensen murmurs.

"Get used to it," says Jared, holding him down. "You're not going anywhere."

Jensen smiles into Jared's mouth. "Nah, I'm not."

And Jared grins, because it can't possibly get any worse.

*

It does, of course.

But it gets better, too.