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Oct. 17th, 2010 10:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
longsufferinglySo I wrote a fic for Wincon's Badfic Idol, but then it got lost in the shuffle and was never read. Well, ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
beckaandzac did do a dramatic reading for our table at the bar at dinner later, but other than that. In any case, I figured I'd post it here!
Warnings for--terrible decisions and things that should never be used as sex toys? Crack? General stupidity? Thanks tobeckaandzac and rivers_bend for "beta-ing," which in this case mostly meant reading it and telling me I should burn all the copies so no one would ever find it.
Sweeeeeeeeeeeeet Seduction
A Lifetime Original Movie
Jared Padalecki had everything going for him. Friends, family, stellar good looks, everything. There was just one problem. One horrible knot in the mighty oak of Jared Padalecki's noble existence.
One giant, huge, gargantuan, throbbing, tumescent, purple-veined knot.
Upon viewing Jared's impressive manhood, ladies swooned. Men were envious. Potential partners spontaneously developed lockjaw.
It was tragic.
Jared dreamed of someday finding a man or woman or farm animal who could take in the monster at the end of his boxers.
It was his friend Chad who finally gave him the solution he had so craved.
"Dude, I love donuts," said Chad. "I would so fuck a donut."
Jared, being a poor college student, could not afford things like sex toys or fleshlights, but he could afford donuts. And a tin can. Until he realized that tin cans were far too small for his massive manhood.
So instead he obtained an oatmeal can, and cooked himself many giant donuts, and created his own donut fleshlight.
It was warm.
It was gooey.
It embraced his dick willingly, and when he fucked it, it did not swoon or develop lockjaw. It was patient, it was kind. It did not envy, it did not boast, it was not proud. It was not rude, it was not self-seeking, it was not easily angered, it kept no record of wrongs. It did not delight in evil but rejoiced with the truth. It always protected, always trusted, always hoped, always preserved.
It was awesome.
Soon, Jared did not talk to anyone. He didn't spend time with his friends, or go to classes. He spent all his time making and fucking donuts, constantly replenishing his new toy.
Soon, just the smell of donuts brought Jared to the edge of climax. He couldn't come without raw sugar rubbing up against his pulsating man meat.
His friends tried to save him, tried to stop him, but Jared was too far gone. He had been taken in by sugary seduction.
Jensen, his best friend who had long lusted after him and his purple-headed warrior, finally had had too much. He could not allow Jared to continue down this path of donut-loving.
"You have to stop this, Jared!" he said, tears welling up in his eyes at his passionate outcry. "It's tearing you apart! Seriously, the sugar makes it look like you went at your dick with a cheese grater, it's terrifying."
"But no one can withstand my cockfucking!" Jared lamented.
"I can," said Jensen. "My ass is like the area behind chicks' backs in anime. It is endless."
"Really?" asked Jared, scarcely daring to hope.
"For real," said Jensen. "I could probably fit a blimp up there."
And Jared ripped Jensen's pants off and took him right then and there. And Jensen's ass could fit him, and Jared and Jensen and Jensen's extradimensional asshole lived happily ever after.
The end.
beckaandzac did do a dramatic reading for our table at the bar at dinner later, but other than that. In any case, I figured I'd post it here! Warnings for--terrible decisions and things that should never be used as sex toys? Crack? General stupidity? Thanks to
beckaandzac and rivers_bend for "beta-ing," which in this case mostly meant reading it and telling me I should burn all the copies so no one would ever find it.Sweeeeeeeeeeeeet Seduction
A Lifetime Original Movie
Jared Padalecki had everything going for him. Friends, family, stellar good looks, everything. There was just one problem. One horrible knot in the mighty oak of Jared Padalecki's noble existence.
One giant, huge, gargantuan, throbbing, tumescent, purple-veined knot.
Upon viewing Jared's impressive manhood, ladies swooned. Men were envious. Potential partners spontaneously developed lockjaw.
It was tragic.
Jared dreamed of someday finding a man or woman or farm animal who could take in the monster at the end of his boxers.
It was his friend Chad who finally gave him the solution he had so craved.
"Dude, I love donuts," said Chad. "I would so fuck a donut."
Jared, being a poor college student, could not afford things like sex toys or fleshlights, but he could afford donuts. And a tin can. Until he realized that tin cans were far too small for his massive manhood.
So instead he obtained an oatmeal can, and cooked himself many giant donuts, and created his own donut fleshlight.
It was warm.
It was gooey.
It embraced his dick willingly, and when he fucked it, it did not swoon or develop lockjaw. It was patient, it was kind. It did not envy, it did not boast, it was not proud. It was not rude, it was not self-seeking, it was not easily angered, it kept no record of wrongs. It did not delight in evil but rejoiced with the truth. It always protected, always trusted, always hoped, always preserved.
It was awesome.
Soon, Jared did not talk to anyone. He didn't spend time with his friends, or go to classes. He spent all his time making and fucking donuts, constantly replenishing his new toy.
Soon, just the smell of donuts brought Jared to the edge of climax. He couldn't come without raw sugar rubbing up against his pulsating man meat.
His friends tried to save him, tried to stop him, but Jared was too far gone. He had been taken in by sugary seduction.
Jensen, his best friend who had long lusted after him and his purple-headed warrior, finally had had too much. He could not allow Jared to continue down this path of donut-loving.
"You have to stop this, Jared!" he said, tears welling up in his eyes at his passionate outcry. "It's tearing you apart! Seriously, the sugar makes it look like you went at your dick with a cheese grater, it's terrifying."
"But no one can withstand my cockfucking!" Jared lamented.
"I can," said Jensen. "My ass is like the area behind chicks' backs in anime. It is endless."
"Really?" asked Jared, scarcely daring to hope.
"For real," said Jensen. "I could probably fit a blimp up there."
And Jared ripped Jensen's pants off and took him right then and there. And Jensen's ass could fit him, and Jared and Jensen and Jensen's extradimensional asshole lived happily ever after.
The end.
