(no subject)

[longsufferingly]

Title: more by more they dream their sleep
Author: poor_choices
Fandom: Supernatural RPS
Pairing: Jared Padalecki/Jensen Ackles
Rating: PG
Warnings: Outsider POV, kidfic, mentions/discussion of homophobia.
Word Count: 2700.
Summary: The family goes to Texas for spring break. Fifth in the Natalie 'verse.
Notes: This is unintentionally weirdly similar to the Tractorbeam thing I did the other day. Bizarre! Title from e.e. cummings.
Disclaimer: Lies and untruths.


Natalie hasn't been on a plane since she came to L.A. It hasn't actually been that long, only nine months, but it feels like a different lifetime, another Natalie who left Texas then.

They're in first class, because Jared is too big for coach, and the only reason she's not freaking out is that she can find things that aren't like last time. She isn't wedged between Kyle and the window, like Kyle thinks he can keep her from loving dad if he stays between them. Dad and Jared are across the aisle from her, dad already asleep on Jared's shoulder, and Kyle's got his headphones in and his DS on.

The last time, no one brought anything to do on the plane, like it was disrespectful to think of keeping themselves busy. Now she has a backpack full of books, and Jared loaned her his iPod, and there are TVs in the back of the seats that she could watch.

She still can't stop thinking about her mama.

She wonders if planes will always be like this, if every time she gets on them she will remember that flight back, when all she could do was look at her hands and run away from her thoughts.

She feels a hand in her hair and looks up to see Jared smiling at her. "Hey, kid," he says. "You okay?"

"It's weird," Natalie admits. "Going back to Texas."

They're going to San Antonio, to visit Jared's family for spring break. They spent Christmas in California, and Jared's family missed him and dad, and Jared's mom and dad want to meet her and Kyle. She's a little scared. She used to think grandparents were people who would always love you, but they haven't seen any of them since mama died.

"Yeah, I bet," says Jared, with a gentle smile. "If you want to talk to your dad, I can wake him up."

Natalie smiles. "You're fine," she says, and means it. "I'm fine too. It's just--weird."

Jared settles back in his seat, smiling as dad makes a noise and snuggles in closer.

It's nice, Natalie thinks. Having parents who love each other.

She wishes they could have had that all along.

*

Jared's mom meets them at the airport. She's tall, and she has dimples like Jared does, and her long hair is up in a bun. She's younger than her other grandmothers, and Natalie stops herself before she can compare them too much.

Jared picks her up when he hugs her, big and happy. "Hey, mama," he says, gently teasing. "Nice to see you."

"Put me down," says Jared's mom, laughing. "I'm too old for that." When Jared lets go of her, she gives dad a hug, much more dignified, and then turns to Natalie and Kyle. "Well now, you must be my grandchildren."

Natalie's a little surprised by how casually she says it, but maybe she shouldn't be. Jared took them in without a question, loved them right from the start, even when Kyle was being a jerk, and maybe that's how his mom raised him. It's nice to think that there's a whole family of people in the world like Jared.

It's less nice thinking that her family--dad's family and mama's--are families she doesn't want to be like.

"It's nice to meet you, ma'am," says Kyle, with a big smile. Natalie's a little impressed by how charming he's acting.

Jared's mom shakes her head. "None of that. You can call me Grandma Sherri, or just Sherri if you want. I'm not a teacher, I'm your family."

"You are a teacher," says Jared, and his mom smacks his arm lightly. "I'm just saying!" he adds, laughing.

Jared's mom--Grandma Sherri--gives Kyle a hug too and then turns to Natalie.

"And this must be Natalie," she says, with a gentle smile.

And Natalie completely embarrasses herself by breaking into tears.

*

Jared drives, and Natalie sits in the back seat, pressed up against dad. She keeps apologizing to Grandma Sherri, promising she really is happy to be here and to meet her, and Grandma Sherri is so understanding and nice that it just makes it harder. Kyle ruffles her hair periodically, like he's trying to remind her he's there even if he's too grown up to hug her. Dad just holds her close and strokes her back.

It's worse that everyone understands, because Natalie doesn't. She doesn't feel sad, exactly. She just feels full, like she had so many feelings that all they could do was come out as crying. She's tried and wrung out, and she can't stop thinking about her mama.

When they get out of the car at Jared's parent's house--at her grandparents' house--she gives Grandma Sherri a hug and says she's happy to meet her, and Grandma Sherri says she is too.

"I'm sorry," she says again.

Grandma Sherri pulls back, giving Natalie another gentle smile. "You don't have anything to apologize for, Natalie. I know this must be very hard for you."

"It's not hard meeting you," says Natalie. It's just hard thinking that she's happy now. That she likes Jared's parents. That she likes Jared. In L.A., it was easier to forget, to pretend this was a whole new life. Now they're in Texas, so close to the two other sets of grandparents who won't see her if she's with her father. They invited her and Kyle for Christmas, but made it clear that dad and Jared weren't welcome. And she doesn't think it's wrong to love dad and Jared, but here it feels like loving them more than mama. And it's not.

"Well, how about you come inside and have some water. Gerald doesn't get spring break, so he won't be home until later, but I can show you the house and where you and your brother will be staying."

Natalie nods, fighting down another wave of tears. This isn't worth thinking about, because this is her life now. She can't pick mama, because mama is dead.

Jared and Kyle take the bags, and dad holds her hand.

"I was actually terrified of Jared's parents before I met them," dad admits quietly.

"Really?" Natalie asks, looking up at him in surprise.

"Yeah," says dad. "Even though Jared spent weeks telling me that they pretty much already loved me." He shrugs. "That's the kind of family he has. Your mama--" he says, and almost stops. Dad never talks about mama, not really. Natalie thinks he might not think he has the right. "Your mama's family, they took a while to get used to me. They thought we were getting married too soon. My parents did too." He smiles sadly, and squeezes her hand. "They weren't exactly wrong, I guess. But her parents were--pretty smug when the divorce happened."

Natalie doesn't remember much from the divorce--she was too young--but she remembers that grandma and grandpa were around a lot more, taking care of them while mama was in court and dealing with dad.

She thinks there could have been a lot of I told you so.

"But Jared's family isn't like that," she says.

Jensen shrugs. "No. But it's okay to be--overwhelmed."

Overwhelmed. That's probably the right word.

*

"You okay?" Kyle asks, once they're alone. They're sleeping in Jared and his brother's old room, and it's full of old soccer trophies and books that Jared read aloud to her, saying they were his favorites when he was her age. It's comforting, in this unfamiliar house, to be in a room that feels so much like Jared.

"Yeah," she says, flushing. She feels so stupid. "I'm fine."

Kyle seems to get that she doesn't want to talk about it. "Grandma Sherri seems nice."

"You're being nice to her," says Natalie, a little accusingly. It took him a lot longer to warm up to Jared.

Kyle lies back on the bed, sighing. "It's not her fault our other grandparents are being assholes."

"Don't swear," says Natalie automatically, even though she doesn't care. She thinks. "Is it weird being back in Texas for you too?"

It's not like they're in Richardson--it's not like it even feels so much like Texas, not yet--but she can't forget anyway.

"Yeah," says Kyle. "It's weird."

*

Grandpa Gerald is very tall, and much quieter than Jared or Grandma Sherri. He reminds her a little of dad, actually, and it makes her feel more comfortable with him.

Jared and Grandma Sherri carry the conversation at dinner, although Kyle talks a lot more than Natalie expected too. She realizes, slowly, that he is covering for her. That he doesn't want to make her be the one who has to talk.

They're about to start dessert when Jared says, "We wanted to tell you in person, but--we're actually working on adopting another child." He smiles, squeezes dad's hand. "We put in an application before--well, everything, but they finally came up with a little girl for us."

Natalie smiles at her plate as Jared's parents explode with excitement and questions. Jared had been really nervous about telling her, of all people, like she would think it meant he didn't love her or something. Natalie's excited, though--she thinks it'll be nice to have a little sister. She thinks she'll be a good older sister too.

"Her name is Diana," Jared is explaining. "She's two and a half, and her parents can't take care of her anymore." He smiles again, unable to control it. "We're all pretty excited."

"I'm really good with little sisters," Kyle adds, grinning at Natalie.

"No you're not," Natalie shoots back without thinking about it, grinning back. She doesn't realize until Kyle's grin widens that it's the most natural she's been since they came to Texas.

"Well, that's wonderful," says Grandma Sherri. "We're so happy for you all. That little girl is going to be so lucky to have you in her family."

Dessert is delicious, and afterward they all watch a movie. Natalie sits in Jared's lap, and still feels a little like crying. But she thinks it's a good kind of crying.

*

They've been in Texas for two days when dad sits her and Kyle down and says, "We're thinking about visiting your grandparents."

Natalie and Kyle exchange a look.

"You mean our other grandparents?" asks Kyle.

"Yeah," says dad. "It's--probably going to get ugly. Maybe even yelling and throwing things ugly."

"So we thought you guys could stay here with Grandma Sherri and Grandpa Gerald," says Jared.

"Why are you going?" asks Natalie.

"Because your grandparents love you," says Jared. "And we're hoping they love you more than they hate us."

"They won't pick up my calls, so--" says dad, and looks away. "It's not fair that you guys lose your grandparents."

"Yeah, well, it's their own stupid fault," says Kyle, and he sounds angry. Natalie thinks that makes sense--Kyle wanted to be like that too, and he's still mad at himself for it.

"Still," says dad. "They're my parents. I want to talk to them."

"We could come," says Natalie hesitantly.

"If you want," says Jared. "But--I know my mom and dad really want to get to know you guys. It'd mean a lot to them if you stayed."

"I don't want to see them anyway," says Kyle. "You guys can go, I'm staying here."

He storms out of the room, and Jared and dad look concerned.

"I think he doesn't like them because they remind him that he was a jerk," says Natalie, into the silence.

Dad sighs and leans back, rubbing his face. "I should probably go talk to him."

"I think he's okay," says Natalie. If dad went after him now, she's pretty sure it would just embarrass him. Kyle's like that. "You should give him some time." She scoots closer to dad on the sofa and hugs him. "Do you miss gramma and gumpa a lot?"

Dad smiles, wrapping his arm around her. "Sometimes, yeah. They're my parents, you know? And it's hard knowing they've never even met Jared." He reaches out and pulls Jared over so they're all cuddled together on the couch. "That's why I'm bringing him. Jared's pretty charming."

"I am," Jared agrees. "Everyone loves me."

Dad snorts. "Loser." He kisses the top of Natalie's head. "You don't mind staying here?"

Natalie shakes her head. She leans back against dad, and then quietly says, "I feel bad."

"Sick?" asks dad, bringing his hand up to feel her forehead.

"No," says Natalie. "I mean--" she looks down at her hands. "I love Jared. A lot. And I'm happy living with you. And I feel like I shouldn't be happy, because I don't think mama ever was."

Dad pulls her into his lap, pulling her close. "Natty," he says softly. "Your mama would want you to be happy." He strokes her hair. "Your grandparents want that too. They just don't realize you can be happy with us."

Natalie thought she would never be happy again. But what really happened was that nothing was the same again. And that doesn't mean it has to be terrible, or tragic. It's just not what it was. And she misses her mother--misses her fiercely, sometimes--but her mother is dead.

She rolls off dad so she can cuddle against Jared. "I love you," she says. She's not sure she's ever said it to him before.

Jared hugs her close, rests his cheek on her head. When he speaks, it sounds like he's about to cry too. "Yeah. I love you too."

"I'm going to go check on Kyle," says dad, and Natalie just burrows closer to Jared.

"You okay?" Jared asks, holding her close. "I know it's been--"

"Weird," says Natalie. "I'm glad you're in our family."

"There's no other family I'd rather be in," says Jared.

She ends up falling asleep in Jared's lap, and only wakes up a little when he carries her into his old room and tucks her into bed with a kiss to her forehead.

She's almost back to sleep when she hears him say, "You okay?"

"I'm fine," says Kyle, a little defensively. There's another pause, and Natalie struggles to stay awake. "I just think--they're being jerks. And I can't believe they picked being jerks over us."

"I think they probably see it as us corrupting you," says Jared. "Or they're stupid. We're going to try to make them realize."

"I don't know if I want to see them again," says Kyle.

"You tell your dad that?"

Kyle snorts. "Of course I did."

"Just checking." There's another pause. "That's how I felt about your mom," says Jared finally. "I hated her. For being a jerk to Jensen."

If Natalie had ever bothered to think about it, she wouldn't be surprised.

"Your dad never stopped loving you or thinking about you, and I always hoped she'd get over it. And every time she didn't, I hated her a little more. But he never did," Jared goes on quietly.

"I thought he did," says Kyle. "I thought he hated all of us."

"Your dad kind of sucks at hating people," says Jared. "It's--sweet. And if he can forgive them, I figure--I can pretend, right?"

"Natty thinks you're so nice," says Kyle, laughing a little.

"I am nice!" Jared protests, laughing too. "I just have kind of a blind spot where you guys are concerned. I hate pretty much everyone who hurts you."

"But you're gonna beg my grandparents to take us back," says Kyle.

"Yeah," says Jared. "Because I am an adult, and therefore know what is best for you."

There's a pause, and then Kyle laughing and telling Jared he's a jerk, and Natalie opens her eye to see Jared ruffling Kyle's hair as Kyle pushes him off. They look happy.

Like a real family.

"Now go to bed," says Jared.

"Night, Jared. And thanks."

"Hey, that's what I'm here for. Night, Kyle."

Natalie waits a few long minutes, until she's sure Jared must be gone. "Kyle?" she says hesitantly.

"Yeah?" Kyle asks. He doesn't sound embarrassed.

"I think we should figure out something else to call Jared."

"I was thinking papa," says Kyle. "Sounds kind of juvenile, but that's what dad said the new baby is gonna call him." He pauses. "I think Jared'd like that."

"Yeah," says Natalie. "Me too."