don't judge

[longsufferingly]

Stu the Cockatoo Likes to Pwn Bitches
Tractorbeam 'verse/Leverage
Jared/Jensen, Eliot/Hardison-ish
600 words
spoilers for bbt 213


i.

"You're meeting your boyfriend from the internet," says Eliot.

"You know, the internet is good for more than just hookups," says Hardison.

"Let me guess, there's more to it than just sex."

"Considering there is no sex, yes, there's gotta be."

"Are you guys waiting for marriage?"

"Y'know, he's actually got a boyfriend. Outside of your fucked-up imagination."

"So why're you meeting him?" asks Eliot.

Hardison sighs. "Funny story."


ii.

"Rock climbing?" says Jared.

"I could rock climb," says Jensen.

"I'm trying to picture Kripke rock climbing," says Jared. "Does not compute, man."

"He enjoys being outdoors."

"Maybe he's not your best choice for a friend."

Jensen pouts.

"I'm just saying," says Jared, "I think you might, like, catch fire in the sunlight."

"I do not."

"Have you tested that theory?"

Jensen shoves him.


iii.



"So," says Jensen, "I needed more independent friends to even the balance."

Jared raises his hand.

"Yes, Jared?"

"Who's the friend you have that I don't?"

Jensen shrugs. "I wasn't sure how to count Chad."

Jared raises his hand again.

"Yes, Jared?"

"Why are you such a freak?"

"Shut up."


iv.

"So you're meeting some guy off the internet because he needs more friends?"

"Did you not see the diagram?"

Eliot stares. "How does the diagram help?"

"You gotta feel sorry for the dude!"

"He's a freak."

"He's really good at World of Warcraft."

"You know what? You just. You go have a geek party. Knock yourself out."

"I will. You're not invited to our hypothetical video game tournaments."

Hardison considers. "What are you playing?"

"His boyfriend really likes Halo."

"I really like Halo."

"Well, if you play your cards right and stop judging, maybe I'll get you an invite."


v.

"So this is weird, right?" says Jensen. He's honestly not sure--he has trouble reading social situations.

"A little," says Hardison.

They're both quiet for a while.

"So, did last week's Battlestar piss you off?" asks Jensen.

"For real!" says Hardison. "Man, I cannot believe they are pulling that shit!"

It gets a lot less weird after that.


vi.

"Gabe," says Jensen. "I have some bad news."

Gabe squeaks. Jensen maybe shouldn't give Gabe bad news while Jared is around. It's unfair to not give him a chance to defend himself.

"Now that I'm talking to Hardison in real life, I'm getting kind of..." Jensen waves his hands. "Overwhelmed by social obligations. You know, it's just. It's a lot of people."

Jared slaps his forehead.

"So I think we can only talk on AIM and/or facebook and/or gchat now," says Jensen. "Or WoW. Just, you can't talk."

Gabe squeaks again.

"Bitch is right," says Chad. "You're always with Jaybird, so he can't talk to you anyway."

"Okay," says Jensen. "Problem solved."

Jared just shakes his head.


vii.

"How do you date him?" asks Eliot.

"It was a lot harder not dating him," says Jared.

"He told me my hair was aerodynamically unsound."

Jared shrugs. "You might be losing some speed."

Hardison glances over from the couch. "I told you, man, age of the geek. We're getting the hottest guys now too."

Eliot snorts. "You don't have a hot guy."

Hardison smirks. "Give me time."

Jared pats him on the shoulder. "Seriously, give up now. Before he starts making out with other guys to see if he's in love with you."

"One time!" Jensen protests.

Jared flops onto the couch and curls his arm around Jensen. "I got next game."

Eliot just shakes his head. "Age of the geek my ass."