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longsufferingly) wrote2010-01-23 04:31 pm
longsufferingly) wrote2010-01-23 04:31 pm
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Next up, we have How I Met Your Mother, Lily/Barney/Robin, for ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
sequinedfairy. Threesome, NC-17, and, as a special note for those with infidelity concerns, Marshall is aware of and consents to this threesome happening.
As with so many awesome things that have happened in Barney's life, it started with alcohol and a bet.
"I'm just saying," says Lily, "I could whoop your ass at the drunkathalon."
Barney snorts. "Please. I could beat you at the drunkathalon with both backs tied behind my arm."
"That's not what you meant," Robin points out.
"I meant what I said, Scherbatsky!" says Barney. "Don't patronize me."
"Look, Barney, I know you're good. But you've never seen Lily do a kegstand," says Marshall. "I don't mean to brag, but she's awesome at being drunk."
"Wanna bet?"
Marshall sizes him up. "You know what? I think we do."
"I know we do," says Lily. "Because there is no way you can win this one, Barney. Believe it."
"You talk a good game," says Barney. "But I think I can take you."
"Okay, okay," says Robin. "As the least drunk person here, what are the terms here? What are we betting? What does the winner get?"
"If we win," says Marshall, "no sex for Barney for a month."
"Hmm," says Barney. "Agreed! And when I win?" asks Barney.
"If you win, we'll have a threesome with you," says Lily.
"Who will?" asks Barney, narrowing his eyes.
"Me and Marshall."
"Please," Barney scoffs. "There is no way I'm going to be the second gunman."
"I know I'm going to regret asking this, but what's the second gunman?" asks Robin.
"I'm so glad you asked, Robin! Now, as you know, the assassination of John F. Kennedy was supposedly performed by Lee Harvey Oswald. However! That was not the case. In truth, Lee Harvey Oswald was involved in a nefarious scheme to assassinate none other than Jackie Kennedy, the first lady. He did not realize that there was a second gunman present on that grassy knoll, which screwed up the whole operation, and our beloved thirty-fifth president was killed in the crossfire." Barney sighs. "And that is why you must never have two men shooting at one woman. It will always end in tragedy."
There's a pause.
"Well, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard," says Lily.
"But why did they want to kill Jackie O?" asks Marshall. "She's such a nice lady."
"Silence! Me, Lily, Robin, or no deal," says Barney.
"Wait, how did I get into this?" asks Robin.
"I could live with that," says Marshall.
"Me too," says Lily. "But don't worry, Robin," she adds, catching Robin's look. "I'm totally gonna win."
*
"The drunkathalon," says Robin somberly, "is a test of skill, of coordination, and of alcohol tolerance. Our two competitors must prove their dominance in the arena of games that no one ever plays unless they are totally wasted. The drunkathalon consists of three events, and our competition will go to whoever wins at least two of these noble challenges. Marshall?"
"Thank you, Robin. Our first event of the night is beer pong. A noble sport with a long history, beer pong--or Beirut, as it is sometimes called, finds its origin in--"
"Honey," says Lily, "get moving."
"Right!" says Marshall. "Standard rules apply, first to tens points will be the winner. Lily's serve."
"You are going down, Stinson."
"On you," says Barney. He grins. "Because I'm gonna win and then I'm gonna eat you out when we have the threesome. See, it's a play on words."
"Shut up and play, Barney."
*
"All right," says Marshall in a hushed voice. "It's all come down to this."
"Our final event," says Robin.
"The scores are tied. Lily has one point from beer pong, and Barney has one point from darts. This is the game which separates the men from the boys."
"Buck Master 5000."
"Probably the worst arcade game ever made," says Marshall.
"Undoubtedly," Robin agrees. "If Barney loses, he will have to abstain for one long month."
"If he wins, he will have sex with my wife."
"And me."
"And you. Let's watch."
The sad thing is, it's not even a contest. Apparently, when Barney said he was the buck master, he wasn't just confusing f and b again.
Barney is really, really good.
"I have to admit," says Lily, "Barney really nailed this one."
"Don't make the joke," says Robin, as Barney opens his mouth. "It's too obvious, even for you."
"We are never telling Ted about any of this," says Lily. "He must never know. I don't want this becoming another one of those stories he's going to tell his kids as a lesson."
"If you steal my wife, I will crush you like a bug," Marshall tells Barney. "Same for you, Robin."
"Whatever, I call Lily eating me out first," says Robin. Marshall stares at her. "Oh, come on. She's hot."
*
"Okay," says Lily. "So, how do we do this? Do you want me and Robin to make out? Should we wear costumes? Ooh, are we roleplaying? I could to be the nice girl who doesn't know what a penis looks like, but secretly really just needs a good, hard fucking."
"Lily!" says Barney. "I am impressed! I didn't know you had it in you."
"Hey, just because I'm married doesn't mean I'm boring."
"Actually, it does," says Barney. "But still, I like the cut of your jib. Robin, thoughts?"
"I think Lily and I are sexy lesbians who want to add a man to our bed for fun."
"Ooh, I could be the butch one! Can I be the butch one?"
"Please, I would so be the butch one," says Robin. "You are absolutely my bitch."
"Ladies, ladies. Don't fight. Why don't you too just start making out and see where it leads?" says Barney.
"Okay. But for the record, there is to be no sex between you and me. The only penis going in my vagina is Marshall's."
"Fine. I accept. Now, get with the naughty lesbians."
Lily nods, and then takes a step in closer to Robin. She grins. "Hey, baby."
"Hey yourself," says Robin, and dips her head to kiss Lily. Lily opens up for her instantly, letting Robin's tongue into her mouth, slick and hot. Robin's hand drops down to cup her breast through her shirt, and Lily makes an encouraging noise, almost purring into the kiss. "Oh my god," says Robin, "I am so the butch one! You are, like, melting!"
"Be quiet," Lily growls, and surges up to kiss her again, pushing her hands under Robin's shirt as she goes. Robin helps her get it over her head, and then moves down from Lily's mouth to suck kisses against her neck, unbuttoning Lily's shirt and getting her bra off. She kisses down Lily's collarbone to her breasts and takes a nipple in her mouth, tugging ever so gently at it with her teeth when Lily moans.
"Mmm," says Lily, "wait. I had a thought."
Robin looks up. "What?"
"I think we should tie Barney down and have our way with him."
"Two steps ahead of you, Lily," says Barney from the bed. "I just need you to cuff my other hand."
"I should be surprised that you were planning on this going a bondage place," says Lily, turning to look at him, "but I'm not." He's still got his slacks on, but he's shirtless, and his left wrist is handcuffed to the bedpost.
Robin goes over and cuffs his other hand. She looks at him thoughtfully. "You know, Lily. I think you should eat me out while he watches and can't do anything."
"You're just saying that because you want her to eat you out," says Barney, but his voice is a lot deeper than usual.
"That is absolutely not true, Barney! I also want you to beg me to ride you."
"Oh god," says Barney, kind of choked.
"Good enough for me," says Lily. She pulls Robin away from the bed and positions her against the wall, right where Barney can see them. She gives her a quick, slick kiss and then sinks to her knees, pushing Robin's skirt up around her waist. She can smell Robin through her lacy underwear, and she mouths at her through the fabric, feeling heat and wetness against her tongue.
"You want to hear how she feels, Barney?" asks Robin. "Because it's good."
"Oh Jesus," says Barney.
Lily moves her hand up Robin's thigh, pushing her legs farther apart. She teases her finger over Robin's underwear before pushing them aside and slipping in.
"She's fingering me now," says Robin, head thunking back against the wall. "Getting me nice and wet and open for you, Barney. You want that, huh? I bet you missed fucking me."
"I'd miss fucking her," says Lily, pulling back to pull Robin's underwear down and letting her step out of them. She leans back in and sucks on Robin's clit, making her cry out sharply as she gets another finger inside, spreading Robin wider and wider.
Robin unhooks her bra and slips it off, cups her own breast and squeezes the nipple as Lily fingerfucks her mercilessly, never letting up on her clit either. When she looks to the bed, she can see Barney's dick in his slacks, and there's a redness on his wrists where he's struggling against his handcuffs, trying to get his hands free to jerk himself off. Robin comes suddenly at the thought of how desperate he must be, waves of pleasure seizing around Lily's fingers as she fucks her through it.
Lily gets up and kisses Robin again, her face sticky and tasting like Robin, and smirks as Barney lets out a noise of frustration. "I think it's time to help Barney out with his little problem."
"Hey, it is far from little," Barney protests.
"Please, I married Marshall," says Lily. "Everyone is little."
"That's true," says Robin, going over to the bed and pulling off Barney's pants. "You're not gonna be able to compete."
"But you know," says Lily, "if I can deep-throat Marshall, I've got to be able to deep-throat Barney."
"Hmm," says Robin, faux-serious, "that's true. Perhaps Barney would enjoy if you tested that theory."
"Yes please god," says Barney, as Robin pulls his boxers off too.
"Yeah, that sounds doable," says Lily. She smirks at Barney and crawls up the bed, jerking him once firmly before she sinks down and takes him all the way into her mouth.
"Oh sweet Jesus," says Barney, thrusting up helplessly. Robin pushes his hips down and holds him there, keeping him still.
"Remember, I still want to ride him, so just get him nice and hard for me," says Robin. Lily hums around Barney's dick, and he gasps at the sensation.
"Marshall is a lucky man," he manages.
Lily pulls off with a smirk. "Damn straight he is. Robin, I think he's ready for you."
"What are you going to do?" asks Robin, rolling a condom onto Barney's dick. "Just watch?"
"If I could make a suggestion," says Barney. "If Lily put her legs behind my back and held onto the headboard, I would be in a very good position to--"
"I like that one," says Lily, squirming out of her jeans and panties and hooking her legs behind Barney's back and pushing herself into his mouth. Barney goes at her with gusto, tongue-fucking her deep and hard with absolutely no hesitation. Of course, she thinks, he has had a lot of practice. "Ooh, he's good at this."
"Yeah, he's not actually all talk," says Robin. She lets herself sink down onto his dick, riding him hard and fast like he always loved, and watching as Lily pushes in closer, trying to get more of Barney's mouth on her.
She's the one who comes first, crying out and arching her back, then slumping forward to pant against the headboard as she comes down. Finally, she disentangles her legs from behind him and manages, "Wow, Barney is awesome."
"The awesomest," Barney manages, breathing harshly as he keeps fucking Robin.
Lily smirks and crawls over to kiss her as he goes, carefully turning their heads so Barney can see their tongues sliding together, putting on a show for him. She reaches down and puts her hand against Robin's belly, working her clit with her thumb until she's coming again, pushing Barney over the edge too, and the two of them come down together.
Finally, Barney says, "Marshall is a very, very lucky man."
Lily smirks. "Believe me, he knows."
sequinedfairy. Threesome, NC-17, and, as a special note for those with infidelity concerns, Marshall is aware of and consents to this threesome happening.As with so many awesome things that have happened in Barney's life, it started with alcohol and a bet.
"I'm just saying," says Lily, "I could whoop your ass at the drunkathalon."
Barney snorts. "Please. I could beat you at the drunkathalon with both backs tied behind my arm."
"That's not what you meant," Robin points out.
"I meant what I said, Scherbatsky!" says Barney. "Don't patronize me."
"Look, Barney, I know you're good. But you've never seen Lily do a kegstand," says Marshall. "I don't mean to brag, but she's awesome at being drunk."
"Wanna bet?"
Marshall sizes him up. "You know what? I think we do."
"I know we do," says Lily. "Because there is no way you can win this one, Barney. Believe it."
"You talk a good game," says Barney. "But I think I can take you."
"Okay, okay," says Robin. "As the least drunk person here, what are the terms here? What are we betting? What does the winner get?"
"If we win," says Marshall, "no sex for Barney for a month."
"Hmm," says Barney. "Agreed! And when I win?" asks Barney.
"If you win, we'll have a threesome with you," says Lily.
"Who will?" asks Barney, narrowing his eyes.
"Me and Marshall."
"Please," Barney scoffs. "There is no way I'm going to be the second gunman."
"I know I'm going to regret asking this, but what's the second gunman?" asks Robin.
"I'm so glad you asked, Robin! Now, as you know, the assassination of John F. Kennedy was supposedly performed by Lee Harvey Oswald. However! That was not the case. In truth, Lee Harvey Oswald was involved in a nefarious scheme to assassinate none other than Jackie Kennedy, the first lady. He did not realize that there was a second gunman present on that grassy knoll, which screwed up the whole operation, and our beloved thirty-fifth president was killed in the crossfire." Barney sighs. "And that is why you must never have two men shooting at one woman. It will always end in tragedy."
There's a pause.
"Well, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard," says Lily.
"But why did they want to kill Jackie O?" asks Marshall. "She's such a nice lady."
"Silence! Me, Lily, Robin, or no deal," says Barney.
"Wait, how did I get into this?" asks Robin.
"I could live with that," says Marshall.
"Me too," says Lily. "But don't worry, Robin," she adds, catching Robin's look. "I'm totally gonna win."
*
"The drunkathalon," says Robin somberly, "is a test of skill, of coordination, and of alcohol tolerance. Our two competitors must prove their dominance in the arena of games that no one ever plays unless they are totally wasted. The drunkathalon consists of three events, and our competition will go to whoever wins at least two of these noble challenges. Marshall?"
"Thank you, Robin. Our first event of the night is beer pong. A noble sport with a long history, beer pong--or Beirut, as it is sometimes called, finds its origin in--"
"Honey," says Lily, "get moving."
"Right!" says Marshall. "Standard rules apply, first to tens points will be the winner. Lily's serve."
"You are going down, Stinson."
"On you," says Barney. He grins. "Because I'm gonna win and then I'm gonna eat you out when we have the threesome. See, it's a play on words."
"Shut up and play, Barney."
*
"All right," says Marshall in a hushed voice. "It's all come down to this."
"Our final event," says Robin.
"The scores are tied. Lily has one point from beer pong, and Barney has one point from darts. This is the game which separates the men from the boys."
"Buck Master 5000."
"Probably the worst arcade game ever made," says Marshall.
"Undoubtedly," Robin agrees. "If Barney loses, he will have to abstain for one long month."
"If he wins, he will have sex with my wife."
"And me."
"And you. Let's watch."
The sad thing is, it's not even a contest. Apparently, when Barney said he was the buck master, he wasn't just confusing f and b again.
Barney is really, really good.
"I have to admit," says Lily, "Barney really nailed this one."
"Don't make the joke," says Robin, as Barney opens his mouth. "It's too obvious, even for you."
"We are never telling Ted about any of this," says Lily. "He must never know. I don't want this becoming another one of those stories he's going to tell his kids as a lesson."
"If you steal my wife, I will crush you like a bug," Marshall tells Barney. "Same for you, Robin."
"Whatever, I call Lily eating me out first," says Robin. Marshall stares at her. "Oh, come on. She's hot."
*
"Okay," says Lily. "So, how do we do this? Do you want me and Robin to make out? Should we wear costumes? Ooh, are we roleplaying? I could to be the nice girl who doesn't know what a penis looks like, but secretly really just needs a good, hard fucking."
"Lily!" says Barney. "I am impressed! I didn't know you had it in you."
"Hey, just because I'm married doesn't mean I'm boring."
"Actually, it does," says Barney. "But still, I like the cut of your jib. Robin, thoughts?"
"I think Lily and I are sexy lesbians who want to add a man to our bed for fun."
"Ooh, I could be the butch one! Can I be the butch one?"
"Please, I would so be the butch one," says Robin. "You are absolutely my bitch."
"Ladies, ladies. Don't fight. Why don't you too just start making out and see where it leads?" says Barney.
"Okay. But for the record, there is to be no sex between you and me. The only penis going in my vagina is Marshall's."
"Fine. I accept. Now, get with the naughty lesbians."
Lily nods, and then takes a step in closer to Robin. She grins. "Hey, baby."
"Hey yourself," says Robin, and dips her head to kiss Lily. Lily opens up for her instantly, letting Robin's tongue into her mouth, slick and hot. Robin's hand drops down to cup her breast through her shirt, and Lily makes an encouraging noise, almost purring into the kiss. "Oh my god," says Robin, "I am so the butch one! You are, like, melting!"
"Be quiet," Lily growls, and surges up to kiss her again, pushing her hands under Robin's shirt as she goes. Robin helps her get it over her head, and then moves down from Lily's mouth to suck kisses against her neck, unbuttoning Lily's shirt and getting her bra off. She kisses down Lily's collarbone to her breasts and takes a nipple in her mouth, tugging ever so gently at it with her teeth when Lily moans.
"Mmm," says Lily, "wait. I had a thought."
Robin looks up. "What?"
"I think we should tie Barney down and have our way with him."
"Two steps ahead of you, Lily," says Barney from the bed. "I just need you to cuff my other hand."
"I should be surprised that you were planning on this going a bondage place," says Lily, turning to look at him, "but I'm not." He's still got his slacks on, but he's shirtless, and his left wrist is handcuffed to the bedpost.
Robin goes over and cuffs his other hand. She looks at him thoughtfully. "You know, Lily. I think you should eat me out while he watches and can't do anything."
"You're just saying that because you want her to eat you out," says Barney, but his voice is a lot deeper than usual.
"That is absolutely not true, Barney! I also want you to beg me to ride you."
"Oh god," says Barney, kind of choked.
"Good enough for me," says Lily. She pulls Robin away from the bed and positions her against the wall, right where Barney can see them. She gives her a quick, slick kiss and then sinks to her knees, pushing Robin's skirt up around her waist. She can smell Robin through her lacy underwear, and she mouths at her through the fabric, feeling heat and wetness against her tongue.
"You want to hear how she feels, Barney?" asks Robin. "Because it's good."
"Oh Jesus," says Barney.
Lily moves her hand up Robin's thigh, pushing her legs farther apart. She teases her finger over Robin's underwear before pushing them aside and slipping in.
"She's fingering me now," says Robin, head thunking back against the wall. "Getting me nice and wet and open for you, Barney. You want that, huh? I bet you missed fucking me."
"I'd miss fucking her," says Lily, pulling back to pull Robin's underwear down and letting her step out of them. She leans back in and sucks on Robin's clit, making her cry out sharply as she gets another finger inside, spreading Robin wider and wider.
Robin unhooks her bra and slips it off, cups her own breast and squeezes the nipple as Lily fingerfucks her mercilessly, never letting up on her clit either. When she looks to the bed, she can see Barney's dick in his slacks, and there's a redness on his wrists where he's struggling against his handcuffs, trying to get his hands free to jerk himself off. Robin comes suddenly at the thought of how desperate he must be, waves of pleasure seizing around Lily's fingers as she fucks her through it.
Lily gets up and kisses Robin again, her face sticky and tasting like Robin, and smirks as Barney lets out a noise of frustration. "I think it's time to help Barney out with his little problem."
"Hey, it is far from little," Barney protests.
"Please, I married Marshall," says Lily. "Everyone is little."
"That's true," says Robin, going over to the bed and pulling off Barney's pants. "You're not gonna be able to compete."
"But you know," says Lily, "if I can deep-throat Marshall, I've got to be able to deep-throat Barney."
"Hmm," says Robin, faux-serious, "that's true. Perhaps Barney would enjoy if you tested that theory."
"Yes please god," says Barney, as Robin pulls his boxers off too.
"Yeah, that sounds doable," says Lily. She smirks at Barney and crawls up the bed, jerking him once firmly before she sinks down and takes him all the way into her mouth.
"Oh sweet Jesus," says Barney, thrusting up helplessly. Robin pushes his hips down and holds him there, keeping him still.
"Remember, I still want to ride him, so just get him nice and hard for me," says Robin. Lily hums around Barney's dick, and he gasps at the sensation.
"Marshall is a lucky man," he manages.
Lily pulls off with a smirk. "Damn straight he is. Robin, I think he's ready for you."
"What are you going to do?" asks Robin, rolling a condom onto Barney's dick. "Just watch?"
"If I could make a suggestion," says Barney. "If Lily put her legs behind my back and held onto the headboard, I would be in a very good position to--"
"I like that one," says Lily, squirming out of her jeans and panties and hooking her legs behind Barney's back and pushing herself into his mouth. Barney goes at her with gusto, tongue-fucking her deep and hard with absolutely no hesitation. Of course, she thinks, he has had a lot of practice. "Ooh, he's good at this."
"Yeah, he's not actually all talk," says Robin. She lets herself sink down onto his dick, riding him hard and fast like he always loved, and watching as Lily pushes in closer, trying to get more of Barney's mouth on her.
She's the one who comes first, crying out and arching her back, then slumping forward to pant against the headboard as she comes down. Finally, she disentangles her legs from behind him and manages, "Wow, Barney is awesome."
"The awesomest," Barney manages, breathing harshly as he keeps fucking Robin.
Lily smirks and crawls over to kiss her as he goes, carefully turning their heads so Barney can see their tongues sliding together, putting on a show for him. She reaches down and puts her hand against Robin's belly, working her clit with her thumb until she's coming again, pushing Barney over the edge too, and the two of them come down together.
Finally, Barney says, "Marshall is a very, very lucky man."
Lily smirks. "Believe me, he knows."