longsufferingly: (Default)
[personal profile] longsufferingly
Title: Catch Me No Catch
Author: [livejournal.com profile] poor_choices
Fandom: Teen Wolf
Pairing: Danny/Stiles, Scott/Allison, background Lydia/Jackson
Rating: PG-13.
Warnings: None I can think of. If I missed any, please let me know!
Word Count: 3100
Summary: In which Stiles is not a broody vampire, Scott is (mostly) helpful, and Danny just wants to finish his English paper.
Notes: sob. ALSO spoilers for the end of season two, I forgot non-AUs have spoilers :(
Disclaimer: Not mine, please don't sue.



"The problem," Stiles is saying, "is Edward."

Scott takes the bottle from him and has a drink. "Who?" he asks.

"ED. WARD," says Stiles, much slower and louder. "He's too brooding!"

Scott looks at the bottle, which clearly doesn't know what's happening either. "Who's Edward?"

"All the girls," says Stiles, gesturing vaguely, "are on Team Edward. Because he's brooding and tragic and, I don't know, chiseled, I guess? From sparkling marble. And Jacob kind of is too, maybe? He's a werewolf, we know werewolves get girls," he adds, giving Scott a pointed look.

"I'm single," Scott says. He's not exactly bitter, because he and Allison are friends again now, and he's pretty sure they're going to get back together soon. They just haven't yet. And she's not dating anyone either, so it's okay. Sort of.

"But not Stiles. Because I'm not even in Twilight. I don't brood! I have tons of angst, but I'm not broody, so I am going to die alone."

Scott looks at the bottle again. "I never saw Twilight," he tells it.

"Guys like Jackson and Derek are Edwards," says Stiles, miserably. "And you're Jacob. And I'm the guy who sits at home watching Twilight and jerking off." He pauses. "Not, you know, to Twilight. First Twilight, and then jerking off. Separately." He pauses again. "And I don't watch Twilight."

"Uh huh," says Scott, and falls asleep.

*

The next morning, he actually remembers the conversation, and that it was Stiles' idea to get drunk, and realizes that, maybe, Stiles is having a hard time. Lydia and Jackson are still going strong, and Scott's pretty sure they've actually sorted themselves out and decided they love each other, and he thinks it's going to stick. And, yes, Scott is technically single, but that mostly just means he and Allison aren't having sex. It's a big difference to him, but not as much to Stiles.

And with the alpha pack out of the way and the werewolf front as calm as it ever gets, Stiles probably has a lot of time to think about how he's single.

Luckily for him, that also means Scott has a lot of time to help.

*

"The problem is Stiles doesn't think about anyone but Lydia," Scott tells Allison.

"Yeah, I don't think that's going to happen," says Allison, drumming her pencil on her book. "For a lot of reasons. What did you get for five?"

"We just need to find someone else for him to focus on! You know, someone single."

Allison raises her eyebrows. "Are you trying to set Stiles up?"

"Yeah!" says Scott. "Why not?" He turns over his notebook, ignoring his barely started chem homework, and write GIRLS FOR STILES at the top of the page. "Okay, there's--Erica?"

"Stiles is terrified of Erica," says Allison. "And she's dating Boyd. And Derek would probably kill him."

"Okay," says Scott, frowning. "Jenny."

"From English?"

"Yeah."

"Dating Greenberg."

"Really?" asks Scott. "Greenberg?" He scratches his head with the eraser of his pencil. "No wonder Stiles is depressed. Even Greenberg's got a girlfriend." He sighs. "Amanda?"

Allison gives him a look. "No."

"Why not?"

"She's a lesbian, Scott."

"Oh," says Scott. He brightens. "No, wait, that's it!"

"You're not setting Stiles up with a lesbian."

"No, no, I'll set him up with a guy! That's perfect!"

"Does Stiles like guys?" asks Allison, dubiously.

"I just have to find the right one!" says Scott, pushing his books into his bag. "Thanks for your help! See you in history?"

"Yeah," says Allison, shaking her head like she's just waking up from a very weird dream. "Sure."

*

Danny is sitting with Jackson and Lydia, but Scott isn't going to let that stop him.

"Lacrosse season is over," says Jackson pointedly. Scott doesn't even look at him.

"Hey, Danny, who's gay here?"

Danny blinks at him. "Excuse me?"

"Who are the gay guys at school? Do you have a list?"

"You know," says Lydia, "there is nowhere this conversation can go that I want to hear." She takes her tray and stands, and gives Jackson a pointed look when he doesn't follow. "Jackson!"

"Oh, yeah," says Jackson, and they both leave, Jackson tossing a glare over his shoulder.

Danny smiles faintly. "Why do you want a list of gay guys?" he asks.

"For Stiles."

"Why does Stiles want a list of gay guys?"

"Not for Stiles," says Scott. "I mean, I'm trying to find a guy for Stiles."

"For what?"

"To date," says Scott. The duh is implied.

Danny looks a little green. "I don't think that's a good idea, Scott."

Scott frowns. "Stiles isn't really unattractive to gay guys, is he? He can't be unattractive to all gay guys." He brightens. "Hey, you can date Stiles!"

Danny goes from green to white. "Why would I date Stiles?"

"Well, you guys have a lot in common," says Scott. Danny doesn't look convinced. "You both like computers, you play lacrosse, your best friends are werewolves..."

Danny looks around, spooked. "Keep your voice down!" he hisses. Ever since he found out about Jackson, he's been trying to remind everyone to not talk loudly about werewolves in the middle of school.

He's the only one who follows this rule.

"I'm just saying," says Scott, "you'd date Stiles, right?"

"I gotta go," says Danny, and goes without even taking his tray.

"Score," says Scott, and steals his fries.

*

When they were fourteen, a few weeks after Danny came out, Scott asked Stiles, "Hey, if you had to make out with any dude in our grade, who would you make out with?"

Stiles didn't hesitate. "Danny."

"Cuz he's gay?"

"Well, yeah, he probably knows what he's doing," said Stiles. "And he's nice. He's totally the kind of guy who would take care of you." He cleared his throat. "Not that I need taking care of, I would totally be in control. I'm very, uh, assertive. When I make out. Which I do. All the time." He coughed. "Anyway, yeah. Danny." He looked around, nervous. "What about you?"

"Oh," said Scott. "Probably you."

"Oh yeah," said Stiles. "I probably should have said that. Let's pretend I said that."

So Scott thinks Danny? Is a great idea.

*

"What are you doing here," says Lydia, without looking up. Scott doesn't respond; maybe if he stays quiet, she'll think he's Jackson and will want to help him. "I know it's you, Scott," she adds. "What do you want."

"Is Danny dating anyone?"

Lydia looks up in vague horror. "You are not dating Danny."

"No, of course not," says Scott.

"You're dating Allison," she says. "You are not allowed to dump Allison. Not even for Danny."

"Me and Allison aren't dating," says Scott. "But it's for Stiles."

Lydia raises her eyebrows. "You want Danny to date Stiles? Why would Danny date Stiles?"

"Why wouldn't he?" Scott asks. "What's wrong with Stiles?"

"What isn't wrong with Stiles?"

"Hey, just because you're too--"

Lydia holds up her hand. "Stop. I don't even care. What does this conversation have to do with me?"

"I need someone to feel Danny out. You know, see what he likes."

"Why would I do that."

"Danny's your friend, right?" says Scott. "Don't you want him to be happy?"

"That would be why I don't set him up with Stiles," says Lydia, but there isn't any real venom behind it. She stares at Scott, like she's actually interested in him for once. "Why do you think this is a good idea?"

"Because--" Scott falters. "Because it is! Because Stiles deserves something good for once. And not everyone is on Team Edward."

Lydia blinks. "What?"

"Never mind. Just--because," he settles on.

She keeps looking at him, and Scott does his best to look convincing and hopeful. It must work, because she finally says, "I'm not making any promises."

*

"So, how would you set someone up?" Scott asks.

"With who?" asks Stiles.

Stiles is the first person Scott generally goes to for advice on romance; it didn't occur to him until just now that this might not work very well in this case.

"I dunno, what does that matter?"

"Well, you can't use the same tactics to set up everybody," says Stiles. "I mean, if I was setting someone up with you, I wouldn't do the same things I would if I was setting them up with Derek."

Scott blinks, distracted. "How would you set someone up with Derek?"

"I'd probably just tie a hunk of raw meat to them and leave them in the woods," says Stiles. "Is this about Allison?"

"Yes!" says Scott, a little too eagerly. "It's totally about Allison."

"She's already dating you," says Stiles. "Everyone knows this. She knows it. You know it. You do not have to win her back. I don't know what's wrong with you."

"So if I was going to win her back, what would you do to help?" asks Scott.

"You mean in the hypothetical world where you guys aren't already dating? Because you're already dating."

"Yeah, then. What would you do then?"

"I don't know, Scott, I'd get us all to a party and tell you to ask her to dance. She's already your girlfriend, you don't have to do anything, you two are ridiculous."

"Hey, that might work."

Stiles groans and drops his head onto the desk. "It doesn't have to work, there is nothing to do, I thought Allison was smart, why is this still happening. I liked it better when you were sappy and disgusting."

"Yeah, me too," says Scott, wistfully.

*

"Yes," says Lydia, four days later.

Scott looks up. "Huh?" She's twirling her hair around her finger and looking supremely bored.

"Yes, Danny would go for Stiles. I don't know why, but I also don't care." She gives him a sunny smile. "There, duty fulfilled. Please don't talk to me again unless the world is on the brink of destruction."

"That reminds me, Derek called--"

"Actually, I reached my weirdness quota for the week with matchmaking Stiles," Lydia decides. "I'm gonna sit this one out." She looks at him again. "I'm serious, if you talk to me before Monday, I will mace you. And if Danny gets hurt, I will mace you twice."

*

"I still don't have a list," Danny says, before Scott can say anything.

"I don't need a list," says Scott.

Danny looks confused, and then wary. "Why not?"

"Because you're going to date Stiles."

"I never said that," says Danny. He's resolutely not looking at Scott. Scott doesn't know why anyone still thinks that will work.

"You never said you weren't going to date him."

Danny finally closes his book. "Okay, I'm not going to date Stiles."

"Why not?"

"Because Stiles is straight."

"See, that's a really bad reason!" says Scott. "Because Stiles isn't straight. And, you know, that doesn't mean you don't want to date him."

Danny gives Scott a look. "I don't want to date straight guys," he says. He frowns. "He isn't straight?"

Scott and Stiles have never actually had that discussion in so many words, but Scott's not going to let that stop him. "Nah."

It's pretty clear Danny's not convinced. "He's in love with Lydia."

"No, see, it's like--ice cream!"

Danny opens and closes his mouth a couple times. "What?"

"Like, he thinks chocolate is his favorite ice cream flavor, so he gets it every time. But he only thinks that because he's never tried any other ice cream. He'd really like mint chocolate chip, but he never orders it!" Scott says triumphantly. Danny doesn't react. "See, Lydia's chocolate and you're--"

"I get it, Scott."

"So you should date Stiles."

"Scott--"

"What if you were, like, in a gay bar, and Stiles was there. You'd make a move, right?"

Danny looks down at his book, kind of wistfully. "Sure," he says. "If I saw Stiles in a gay bar, I'd hit on him. Seriously, Scott, I have--"

"Do you promise?" Scott asks. He can work with this.

Danny blinks. "What?"

"Do you promise you'd hit on Stiles if you saw him in a gay bar?"

Danny rubs his face. "Yeah, fine. If I ever meet Stiles at a gay bar, I'll do that. I really need to read this."

Scott grins. "Awesome. Thanks, Danny."

Danny sighs. "Any time."

*

"This wasn't what I had in mind," says Stiles. "Why would you try to get me to set you up with Allison at a gay bar?"

"There's no competition!" says Scott, grinning.

"Why is she even having her birthday at a gay bar?" asks Stiles, waving to one of his drag queens. "How did you talk her into this?"

Mostly, Scott begged her, and also pointed out that everyone would be too distracted with the gay bar to think about how old she was turning. But he's not going to tell Stiles that. "Your friends were so much fun at Lydia's party," says Scott. He pauses. "For the part where we weren't hallucinating. But that wasn't their fault."

"I guess," says Stiles. "So, this is the part where I tell you to ask Allison to dance? Because that was literally the entire plan."

"Huh?" asks Scott. "Oh, yeah. I'm gonna do that in a minute." He grins suddenly, because, yeah, there are Jackson and Lydia and Danny, right on time. "Hey, I gotta go," he says. "Back in a sec."

"This doesn't count," Danny says, as soon as he sees Scott. Scott's not really worried; if Danny didn't want to date Stiles, he wouldn't have showed up. It's not like he and Allison are that close. She wouldn't have been offended if he skipped.

"You're at a gay bar," says Scott. "Stiles is at a gay bar. It counts."

"No, it doesn't," says Danny, somewhat feebly. "He's not here because he wants guys to hit on him. It's a birthday party."

"You never said it couldn't be a birthday party," Scott says. "You promised," he adds.

Danny is looking over Scott's shoulder, a little confused. "How does Stiles know so many drag queens?"

"See?" says Scott. "He's popular. You need to get in there before someone else does."

Danny rubs his face. "I'm going to go get a drink," he says.

Scott goes to find Allison. It's just a matter of time.

*

Stiles is introducing him and Allison to his friends when Danny comes. He's sober and looks a little nervous.

"Hey," he says, "do you want to dance?"

Stiles steps out of the way, looking back to see who Danny is talking to. The drag queens are eyeing him appreciatively, so if Stiles doesn't step up, one of them probably will.

"Stiles," says Danny. "Do you want to dance?"

Stiles blinks, and then gapes, and then looks around a few more times, like maybe there's another Stiles, and then flails a little and finally says, "Yes! Obviously. Me. Yes. I would like to dance. With you. Yes. Awesome. Obviously."

He manages to follow Danny onto the dance floor, glancing back at Scott with a look of slack-jawed disbelief. Scott gives him a big thumbs up.

"I gotta say, I did not think that was going to work," says Allison, smiling as she watches the two of them arranging themselves, Danny pulling Stiles in a little hesitantly and Stiles sliding his arms around Danny's neck. Scott can tell he's babbling, but whatever he's saying must not be bad, because Danny's just smiling wider and wider, and then he's leaning down and--

Scott looks down, grinning. They deserve some privacy.

The drag queens don't agree; based on how long the catcalling goes, it must be a pretty good kiss.

*

An hour later, Stiles resurfaces. He's rumpled and flushed and grinning ear to ear. Judging from the state of his lips, Scott's pretty sure he and Danny spent the entire time making out.

"I have a boyfriend," he announces. "A hot boyfriend. My boyfriend is definitely hotter than your boyfriend."

"We're not dating," says Allison, at the same time Scott says, "Is Allison my boyfriend?"

"Yes you are, and yes she is," says Stiles, ordering a Coke and downing half of it in one gulp.

"Danny isn't hotter than Allison," says Scott.

"Thanks," says Allison.

"He's a hotter boyfriend than Allison."

"Allison would be a hot boyfriend," Scott protests. She could tie her hair back, maybe paint on some facial hair. She'd still be hot. If she wanted to get a strap-on, he'd probably even be into that.

"Whatever you're thinking about, don't tell me," says Stiles. He spots something across the room and lights up. "Hey, Jackson!" he yells, taking off through the crowd. "Good news! We're like in-laws now!"

Danny shows up a few minutes later. His hair's a mess, and it looks like he's got a hickey starting to darken under his jaw. Scott can't help feeling a little proud of him.

"I hope you didn't want to keep that quiet," says Allison, hiding a smile in her vodka cranberry.

"Not really," says Danny, rubbing the back of his neck. "Uh, thanks," he tells Scott, a little awkwardly.

"No problem, man. Any time."

Danny turns white. "No, uh, that's okay. This was enough. You don't have to set me up again. Ever. I'm good."

"Yeah," Scott agrees. "You got Stiles."

"You got me," Stiles agrees, sliding back in and slotting himself under Danny's arm. "What are we talking about? Who cares, I found condoms in the bathroom."

Danny chokes. "Stiles--"

"I grabbed a handful, come on," says Stiles, dragging him off, and Danny's too shocked to put up a fight.

Allison smiles. "You did good," she tells him, raising her glass.

"Yeah, I did," he agrees. He smiles. "You want to dance?"

She laughs. "Yeah, I think I do. That guy's been checking you out, gotta show him you're spoken for."

"Wait, which guy?" asks Scott, looking around. "Is he hot?"

Allison snorts. "Not as hot as me," she says, and leans up for a kiss.

"Hey, does this mean we're dating again?" Scott asks, once she pulls back. He's a little disappointed they didn't get any catcalls. It was a really fantastic kiss.

Allison rolls her eyes. "Yes, Scott, we're dating," she says, tugging him toward the dance floor.

Scott grins. Definitely his most successful trip to a gay bar. Ever.

Date: 2012-09-19 05:44 am (UTC)
l_elfie: (Default)
From: [personal profile] l_elfie
this is lulzy and hilariously plausible, as far as anything not horribly dire set in teen wolf can be XD

Date: 2012-09-19 09:27 am (UTC)
cest_what: (Default)
From: [personal profile] cest_what
This is adorable.

Date: 2012-09-23 12:40 am (UTC)
medie: Kara Zor-El and J'onn J'onzz (in unshifted form) flying (tw - stiles - the pooh)
From: [personal profile] medie
Haaa, this is adorable! And Scott! Who knew he could be such a romantic mastermind and yes, Scott, Allison would be a great boyfriend. (So cute!)

Date: 2012-10-31 01:47 am (UTC)
anatsuno: Joseph Gordon-Levitt, gorgeous (prettiest optimist)
From: [personal profile] anatsuno
how had I not read this before? It is awesome. :D Thank you!

Date: 2013-03-19 06:23 am (UTC)
amalthia: (Default)
From: [personal profile] amalthia
I had a blast reading your story. :)

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